by Brie Paisley
Flipping my keys around my finger once more, I glance around Main Street where my father’s firm is located, before unlocking the door. It’s a fairly new spot for us. We moved a few years ago, hoping the new location would pull in more clients. The move worked out in our favor for sure. Most days we’re so busy that I’ve told Dad a few times he needs to hire another lawyer to pick up the slack. But I wouldn’t trade those busy days for anything. Those days keep my mind away from thoughts of taking over the firm, and thoughts of the past that still to this day haunt me. Just as I’m about to unlock the door to start another day, I stop in my tracks. My eyes land on a slender woman wearing a gray oversized jacket, walking on the other side of the street. Seeing her makes me do a double take, and I squint trying to make out her face. She’s looking down at her feet, which isn’t working in my favor, but I can’t help the overwhelming sense that I know her. Something about her seems familiar, but I can’t put my finger on as to why that is. I continue to stare at her like some creepy stalker, and one name that still stops me in my tracks, takes over my mind.
Shelby Ross.
I sigh, knowing I’ve done this countless of times. I think I see her in strangers or think that I can smell her sweet perfume. I thought I would go mad at how many times I swore Shelby was walking down this very street, or how many times I had to look twice at someone that reminded me of her. Memories try to wash over me, but I push them out of my mind. I can’t go down this road. Just being reminded of her memory is painful, and I reach up to rub my chest. Instead of looking away, like a man possessed, I watch the woman walk further down Main Street. I watch her as she takes in the town, almost as if she’s been here before. I can’t deny just seeing this mysterious woman makes me want to run across the street just to look at her face. It’s like a force is willing me to go to her. I shake my head, only for a moment, thinking maybe I have finally lost my mind. The only other time I felt this strong pull to someone was with Shelby. But, this can’t be her. The Shelby I knew would never come back to Columbus. I’d never get to see her again, or even hear her voice. After all this time that I’ve been away from her, it still hurts like hell knowing I’m the reason she’ll never come back into my life. Every single day, since I stupidly pushed her away and let her go, I’ve regretted it. There’s not one day that I don’t wake up, and she’s the first person I think of. She’s also the last person that crosses my mind before a restless sleep overtakes me.
Over the years, I’ve figured out there’s only one person that enters our lives and becomes permanently ingrained into our soul. It’s that one person that will forever be with us, even if they’re not physically here. Shelby was that person for me, and I’ll never meet anyone like her again. She’s etched into my heart, mind, and soul. I’ve tried to let her go, and accept she’s never coming back. It’s not like I’ve been sitting at home for thirteen years pining over the one that got away. I’ve dated a few women, but none ever lasted.
How could I ever try to really commit when my heart belongs to someone else?
The woman leaves my sight, and I finally pull my gaze away from the spot I last saw her. I drop my head sighing, feeling a deep sense of regret I haven’t felt in months. It hits me like a ton of bricks, and I swallow hard trying to push back the emotions threatening to take over. I don’t dare look over my shoulder. As I unlock the door to the firm, I tell myself I have to stop doing this. I can’t always stay hung up on my one.
I have to let her go, but I don’t know how. I realize that no matter how much time has passed, Shelby Ross will stay with me forever.
At five o’clock on the dot, I lock the doors to Harlow: Attorneys At Law. Glancing out the front window, I make sure no one is about to stop in for a late consultation. When I don’t see anyone, I shut the blinds, making my way to my small corner office. Dad has already left for the day, and I told Mary, our secretary, to head home about an hour ago. Wednesday’s are always the slowest day of the week, and I for one, am grateful for the reprieve. Being a family and divorce lawyer makes me wonder if there’s a thing such as a good marriage anymore. It seems every day we get more and more couples coming in and wanting a divorce. I shake my head thinking of the last client that came in today. He came in like a man on a mission, demanding we help him. Supposedly, his wife was cheating, and when I told him without documented proof, there was no way I could help him get everything he wanted in the divorce. Needless to say, the man left with another disappointment after our consultation. I turn and switch off the light in my office once I’ve put away all the files I’m working on, pushing that final client out of my mind. I have to remind myself multiple times a day that I can’t let other people’s horrible marriage affect me. I rub my hand on my neck, as I take a look around my office, making sure I haven’t forgotten anything for the day.
My father’s practice isn’t big, but it suits us perfectly. We rent the building from a local real estate company that gives us a great price, and with the tan walls and new hardwood floors, I can’t complain. I just don’t know if I want it all. Caden, Cason, Clark, and Caleb all went for what they really wanted to do with their lives. Me, I had to be just like my Dad. Maybe some part of me wanted to impress him, since I’m the first born, and the expectations were high. I shake my head at this train of thought. Dad wouldn’t care if I was a janitor at the high school. I know what he’d say, but being a lawyer is all I’ve ever known, and all I’ve ever wanted to be. I still have my doubts, and I often think maybe if I was happier with the way my life was going I wouldn’t feel this way. Maybe it’s just the responsibility that comes with taking over everything Dad built. I don’t want to fuck up and disappoint him.
My phone starts to ring, and I chuckle when I see Bethany’s name on the screen. “Didn’t I just talk to you?” I answer, jokingly.
“Ha-ha, very funny, Carter. You off yet? We should get everyone together and play some Call of Duty later.”
I unlock the door, awkwardly placing the phone on my shoulder. “Hell no. The last time we played you kicked our asses. I have no desire to be humiliated by a chick playing video games again.”
“Don’t be such a Debbie Downer. Come on, Carter. I’m bored, and Theo kicked me out of the shop today. Again.”
I grab my phone, sighing loudly as I make my way to the parking lot behind our building. I listen to Bethany complain about not being able to tattoo anyone the entire way to my pick-up. Finally, she stops her ranting, and I try to get in a word. “Beth, look, I’ve told you countless times, you need to stand up to Theo. Tell him it’s time he gives you a chair.” When she doesn’t say anything for a moment, I add, “Why can’t we do something else besides something we all know you’re better at? What about bowling?” I hope changing the subject about the tattoo shop will ease the conversation elsewhere. I can’t even count how many times I’ve heard the same complaints about her being sent home for no reason.
“Well,” I hear her talking to someone, and I wonder where she’s at. “Sorry, Wal-Mart is insane right now.” Ah, that explains everything. “We can try bowling, I guess.” She sounds defeated. I open my mouth to respond, but she cuts me off. “I don’t know why you’re being such a bitch about playing video games with me.”
“Because you hog all the zombies! Then the rest of us are up shit creek when it gets in the higher rounds.” I glance around, hoping no one’s listening to my conversation. I feel like a bitch since my voice got higher than normal. I can’t help it with Bethany. She knows how to irritate me like my brothers.
“Psh, whatever. I’ll call Cason, and you call Caden. Meet up in thirty?”
“I’ll be there.”
“Good. Be prepared to get your ass kicked at bowling too.”
I shake my head, ending the call, not wanting to argue with her. She probably will kick all our asses tonight. I don’t know how she does it, but pretty much anything Bethany does she excels at. I push the unlock button on my truck keys, and climb inside. I turn on my Bluetooth and once it con
nects, I call Caden. As it rings, I pull out of the parking lot and head north. It takes a bit longer to get out onto the crowded roads of downtown, since everyone has just closed shop for today.
I hang up when Caden doesn’t answer. I wonder if he’s still on his shift, and I realize I have no idea since I didn’t see him this morning. That’s another reason I love having breakfast with my family every morning. We talk about our plans for the day, and it makes seeing my brothers easier. We’re all close, Caden and Cason more than the rest of us, since they share their weird twin bond, but overall we try to at least hang out every chance we get. Caden’s shifts are always changing, and I know some days he doesn’t enjoy it. I can understand why. Working a split shift one day, a half day the next, and then the night shift can really get old. I toss my phone in the passenger seat as I make my way through the afternoon traffic. I really don’t pay attention to everyone around me as I drive at a snail’s pace. My mind has been preoccupied all day with memories of Shelby and I when we were younger. A lot younger. I don’t know why I was thinking of our childhood, instead of our teenage years. I know it has a lot to do with the woman I saw earlier today. Since seeing her, all I can think about is Shelby. I have to stop this. I’m starting to sound like a love sick puppy. Thankfully, if anyone noticed today, they didn’t say anything.
I try to call Caden once more as I finally break out of the heavy traffic, and turn left at the red light by Chili’s. When he doesn’t answer again, I leave him a voice mail, letting him know what the plans are for the evening. I pull in the parking lot behind one of my favorite restaurants, and find a parking spot in front of the newly added, GT Lanes. I haven’t been here since it just opened a few months ago. I park and rub my chin as I turn on the radio. I turn it down low, thinking about getting some Mexican food after we finish bowling for the night. It’s convenient having a Mexican restaurant and a frozen yogurt place right beside the bowling alley.
Unbuckling my seat belt, I prop my elbow on the side of the door, and stare out the window, as I wait for everyone to arrive. These are the moments I hate the most. The time alone, time to think about shit I don’t really want to address even to myself. But try as I might, the damn memories pour into my mind, like an endless marathon of the most annoying TV show. I eventually just let the memory come, and close my eyes, remembering the past so vividly. At a time when nothing seemed to stop Shelby and I from just being ourselves. At a time, I was too naïve to believe that she wasn’t my forever.
I glanced down at Shelby, and I can’t help but laugh at her. She’s trying so hard to climb the rope that leads to our newly built treehouse William made for us. I’ve told her three times to use the ladder, but she’s too stubborn to give up. I watch her fall on her butt again, and she frowns up at me then shakes her head. “Shel, why can’t you just climb the ladder like I told you?” I said as I leaned on the rail, looking down at her.
“If you can do it, I know I can,” she snapped, determined more than ever to do exactly what I did.
“Don’t get mad when I laugh at you for falling again.”
“Shut up, Carter. You watch. I’m going to do it, and then you’re going to give me those Skittles you keep hidden from me!”
“Alright, if you can climb that rope without falling, I’ll give you the entire bag of them.”
“You promise?” Even at the age of ten, I could tell how much a promise meant to her. She asked me to promise the simplest of things, even when she knew I would do anything she asked.
“I promise, Shel. Now, get your skinny butt up here.” She nodded, and I continued to watch her. She pushed her hair out of her face, then gripped the rope tightly. She stood still for a few moments, and I almost asked her if she was going to climb up. When she jumped and started to climb, I couldn’t help but smile. I could already tell she was set on getting my bag of goodies.
I could hear her breath coming out faster as she got closer to the opening in the floor of the treehouse. I moved away from the rail when I didn’t see her anymore, and hovered over the squared opening to watch her more. I started to cheer her on, and bent down to help her off the rope as she reached the opening. I took her small hand and helped her up. I dropped her hand, and noticed she was beaming. “I told ya I could do it.”
Laughing, I said, “I knew you would do it, Shel. Come on and I’ll get you my Skittles.” I took her hand again, and she followed me inside the treehouse. We came here a lot on the weekends, and when we didn’t have school. Most days, we stayed up here and played Uno or Monopoly. Sometimes Caden, Cason, and Clark came up here too, but most days it was just Shelby and I. Mom said Caden, Cason, and Clark were too little to climb up to the treehouse, but I think she just said that because she didn’t want them to get hurt.
Mr. William told us we could come over anytime we wanted to play in the treehouse. I liked coming here with Shelby, and I think she liked getting away from her Mom. I didn’t like Mrs. Tabitha, but I didn’t tell Shelby that. I also didn’t tell Shelby she smelled funny, and her clothes were dirty. When I first met Shelby, she was sitting on the swings at school by herself. I knew how the other kids treated her. They were mean to her because she wasn’t like them. But as I turned and looked at her bright blue eyes, still smiling from climbing the rope, I couldn’t imagine not having her as my best friend. I dropped her hand, and we sat down on the floor as I grabbed my bag of Skittles. I didn’t really like them, but I knew Shelby loved them. We sat across from each other, and I handed her the prize she won fair and square.
“Thank you, Carter,” she said as she took the bag out of my hands. I watched her as she started to shovel the sweet candies in her mouth, as if she hadn’t eaten anything today. It made me sad knowing she was so skinny, and how she always seemed to be starving every time she ate. She stopped, and looked at me with sad eyes. I hated when she looked at me like that.
“What’s wrong, Shel?”
She placed the bag beside her, and she looked away for a moment. I waited, hoping she would tell me for once what’s really going on with her parents. I’ve overheard my Mom and Dad talking about them before, and none of it sounded good. “Carter, do you think you’re Mommy and Daddy love each other?”
“What kind of question is that?” I really didn’t know how to answer her.
“I mean, do your parents fight all the time? I’ve seen how your parents hug you and tell you they love you.” I barely heard her say, “My Mommy tells me she hates me sometimes.”
I moved beside her and took her hand again. She glanced at me, and I could see tears building in her eyes. “Don’t cry, Shelby.” I watched a tear slide down her cheek, and it made my stomach hurt seeing her so sad. I might not understand the meaning of love, but I did know that Shelby was my best friend. I didn’t like her Mom was mean to her, and would say nasty things to her. “When your Mom says those things to you, just remember that I love you, Shelby. And I know my parents love you, too.”
She wiped her cheek and asked, “You promise?”
“I promise. I’ll always love you, Shelby.”
I rub my eyes, making myself stop the memory from continuing. I still remember the feelings that ran through me seeing Shelby so hurt. I did keep my promise, too. Even if I never see her again, I hope she knows I never once stopped loving her. I run my hands down my face, trying to push away the unsettling emotions in the pit of my stomach. I have to rub my chest when my heart starts to ache, and turn off the radio as Springsteen by Eric Church comes on. I can’t bear to listen to that song. It makes me think of the past, and of all the times I was with Shelby, a time when I thought we’d never be apart. But times change. People change, and promises of a ten-year old mean nothing now.
I turn off my truck, leaning my head against the seat. I close my eyes, trying to keep myself rooted where I am. As soon as I’m comfortable, I jump, hitting my arm on the door, when a loud tap comes to my left. I turn seeing Bethany standing beside my truck. She’s laughing, even holding her sides, knowing she
scared the shit out of me. Shaking my head, I grab my wallet then get out of the truck. I shut the door and lock it, as she continues to laugh. “Laugh it up while you can,” I say and smile at her. It’s a rare moment when she catches me off guard like that, and I give her props for getting me.
“I wish I recorded that.” She stops to laugh more then says, “That was awesome. I can’t believe I finally got you!”
“Remember it because that’s the last time, Beth.”
“You say that now, but I’ll wait for another chance. What were you thinking about anyways? You looked so sad.”
I start to walk towards the bowling alley, noticing Bethany beside me. “Nothing really. Just trying to get my head in the game for tonight.” I look away, hoping she buys what I’m selling. I don’t want to talk about Shelby. I don’t want to be reminded how I need to let it go. Everyone close to me knows the story. They all know how I still zone out thinking about her, and every time they tell me I need to move on. They all loved Shelby, except Bethany, because she never knew her, but the rest of my family wished she would come back. I know my Mom still talks about her and tells me all the time how I should go find her. The thing is, I know where Shelby is. I know she’s happy, living her life how she wants. Who am I to fuck up what she has? I’d rather stay here, being miserable, than mess with her happiness.
“Uh huh.” Her eyes narrow, and I know she doesn’t believe me. “Well, I hope you prepared enough because I’m bringing my A-game.”
“Good. You’re going to need all of it to win.” I don’t dwell on her not so subtle way of not believing me, but I’m glad she doesn’t push for more. I’m actually grateful she didn’t want to pick me apart about it. The thing about Bethany is she’s the easiest person to spill all my deepest secrets to, but I always make her work for it. I don’t like opening up those wounds, and I’d much rather leave them be.
