by Brie Paisley
I look up at the old treehouse, thinking about climbing up, and taking the chance that the old wood will hold. Caden stands behind me telling me that I shouldn’t do it, but I want to. I’ve stared at it since I’ve been back, and I remember how safe it was being up there when I was younger. It felt as though it was the only place I could climb high enough to escape everything going wrong in my life. Although Annie and I talked this morning, I still feel the need to just sit in my old sanctuary.
“I really don’t think this is a good idea, Shelby. No one’s been up there in years.”
“You chicken, Caden?” I ask, glancing back at him.
“No, I just don’t want to die trying to climb up there.”
“You were always the dramatic one.” I turn back to the treehouse then say, “If Cason were here, he’d do it with me.”
Caden laughs, then says, “I know he would. He’s always been the risk taker out of all of us. I don’t know, Shel. I think Annie and William will be highly upset if they find our broken bodies when they get back from the store.”
“Stop being such a pansy.” Caden laughs, but he doesn’t respond. With my mind made up, I walk to the warped ladder. I hear Caden say a few choice words, but he reluctantly comes up behind me. I slowly start to climb the old ladder, hoping Caden isn’t right. The last thing I need is a trip to the emergency room. I tense when I hear the wood making noises, but I don’t stop. Slowly, I climb higher until I reach the floor opening. I glance down at Caden, and smile knowing I’ve almost made it. He shakes his head, and I take the last step up.
Once I see the porch of the treehouse, I look around, making sure everything at least seems sturdy enough to hold my weight. A rush of fear races through me, but I push it down. I’m this far, and I won’t back down now. I place both hands on the wooden floor, pulling myself up. The floor creaks loudly, and I still for a few moments. I can feel the wind blowing on my face, and I take a deep breath, hoping to calm my racing heart down. Gently, I put more weight on the floor, and stop when I get on my hands and knees. “Shelby?”
My arms start to shake from climbing, holding myself up, and from being so tense, but I manage to call back down to Caden so he doesn’t worry. “I’m fine. It’s holding.” For now at least, I think to myself. As I stand, my knees wobble, and I hold my arms out to steady myself. I take a light step forward, making my way to the rail so I can let Caden know I’m alright. Once I reach the railing, and Caden sees me, I grin widely. I can’t believe I’m back in my childhood safe place, and taking everything in seems surreal. I can see the entire backyard now, along with the neighbors outside having a cookout. It’s peaceful being able to look down at the world below me, and I’ve never felt so free. I close my eyes as the wind picks up again, and the sun finally makes an appearance. The sunlight warms my face, and I tilt my head back basking in its warmth.
I open my eyes and turn my head when I hear Caden walking up to me. He looks scared, and I burst out in laughter at his expression. “Stop laughing! I swear, Shel if I die from climbing up here, I’m coming back to haunt you as a ghost.”
“Stop complaining, Caden. It’s fine. Look,” I move away from the rail and start jumping. Caden rushes to the rail, holding on for dear life. “It’s holding just fine. This treehouse is sturdy, and William built it, so we both know he did it properly.”
With wide eyes, Caden lets go of the rail with one hand and wipes the sweat off his forehead. “Don’t do that again. Jesus, do you want this thing to fall apart? And I trust William’s carpenter skills, I just don’t trust how old this wood is.”
“Lighten up, Caden. Obviously, if it was going to fall apart, it would’ve done so by now. Come on, let’s go inside.” I have to beckon Caden a few times before he finally follows me inside. I have to duck as I walk through the door, but once inside, I’m able to stand tall. Glancing around the room, it’s as though I never left. The horror posters I’d collected as a teen still hang on the walls. They’re torn on the edges, but otherwise, still look in good condition. The bean bags we used to sit on are still in the corner, along with some old magazines. A small shelf to the right holds some of my favorite mix tapes, and I notice some action figures from one of the brothers. Caden doesn’t speak as I take it all in, and I’m glad for it. I need a moment to reminisce, to miss all the things I wished I could have again. I make my way to the single window in the treehouse, and gaze outside. So many memories want to rush over me, but only one in particular stands out more than the others.
I reach in my shirt and grab my necklace. I hold onto it tightly as I close my eyes, and let the last memory of my father surface. To the time when I was twelve and had no idea what loss was until that day.
Tears pour down my face, mixing with the rain. It made it hard to see, but I didn’t stop running. I didn’t care who saw me, and didn’t hear anyone if they tried. The rain mixed with the thunder drowned out everything around me. I only had one thing on my mind, and I knew where I needed to go. The one place where I felt the safest. To the place where nothing could hurt me. My breath came out in pants, my lungs burned from exertion, but I didn’t stop. I couldn’t stop until I got there. Water splashed against my bare legs as I ran through puddles of water, and I almost slipped and fell when I rounded the corner to Annie and William’s backyard. I was unsure if they were home, but if they were I knew they’d give me the space I needed.
Once I reached the ladder to the treehouse, I quickly climbed up, and had to stop once I reached the top to wipe my face. The rain fell down on me, and I stood still for a moment, letting it wash over me. I was soaking wet by the time I walked inside, but I didn’t care. I was cold and wet, but nothing could take away the pain I felt. I sat down in the corner and pulled my legs to my chest. I leaned my head on my knees, and I had no idea how I still had tears streaming down my cheeks. My chest felt like it was being torn in two, and I started shaking feeling how cold my clothes were on my skin. I didn’t know how long I sat all alone in the corner, crying hysterically before I heard him. I knew he’d come. He was there when the sheriff told me about my Dad’s accident. The news shouldn’t have shocked me as much as it did. I knew my dad was drunk. I knew he didn’t have anything to live for, not even me. My mother made sure of that. But it’s the pain of knowing he not only killed himself, but he also murdered a mother, father and one of their children. Their little girl was the only one that survived. I didn’t know if she’d live through the pain and suffering of the news once she found out her family was dead. I let out a scream just thinking about it, of how selfish he was. Now, not only is my life utterly shattered, but so is that little girl’s.
“Shelby?”
I lifted my head, hearing his voice, and when he sat beside me, I leaned into him. He pulled me tighter into his embrace as I cried out, and gripped his shirt in my hands. “Why, Carter? Why did he do this to me?” I screamed over and over. I knew he didn’t have the answers. I knew my Dad had a problem, but I thought he was getting better. But once my mother left to go on her selfish trip, Dad started drinking again. I never thought he was this bad off. I never thought he could be stupid enough to drive while intoxicated. The only saving grace out of the whole situation was Mom had made sure Annie and William looked after me while she was gone. I pleaded with her to let me stay with Dad, but she refused to listen. With Dad being all alone, I was just waiting for something bad to happen. I just had a feeling he would go off the deep end.
My soaked shirt clung to me as Carter stroked my back. My cries finally stopped, but I didn’t move out of Carter’s arms, even if he was soaked from the rain. Somehow, his warmth was making me feel warm too. He was my other safe place. The one person I knew that would never leave me. “She did this to him.”
“What do you mean, Shel?”
“My horrible mother. She did this! If she hadn’t left for God knows what, he would still be here. That family would still be here. That little girl wouldn’t be an orphan now.” I raised my head, and turned away from Ca
rter. The tears were back and a lump formed in my throat. It burned, and I felt it all the way down to my stomach.
“Shelby, I … I don’t know what to say. I’m so sorry.”
“Yeah, I am too. He was getting better. He’d stopped drinking again, and he actually was my Dad.” I faced Carter as I asked, “Why did she leave him? I don’t understand it, Carter. If she’d never left, if she wasn’t so selfish, he’d still be here, and so would that family. I hate her. I hope she never comes back.”
“I know you’re angry, but you can’t talk like that. Shelby, your dad was sick and it’s not anyone’s fault. I can’t explain why your dad chose to drink and drive, but you and I both know he never meant to hurt anyone.”
I stood and I pointed my finger in his face. I didn’t want to direct my anger at him, but I couldn’t help it. “Don’t you say that! I hate her. I don’t want her to come back, and it is her fault for what happened. If she never left he wouldn’t have started drinking. If she hadn’t left, then he wouldn’t have gotten in the car. He wouldn’t have …” My voice broke, but I don’t stop. My anger was fueling me, and I had to say it out loud because then, I wouldn’t feel like I could die. “I blame her for what happened to that family. It is her fault. Dad drank because my mother didn’t love him. Don’t tell me otherwise. You didn’t live through it. You didn’t see what I did. Don’t you dare say it’s only because he was sick!” My tears flowed down my face again, and I slowly lowered my arm when Carter stood. He didn’t say anything, but I knew he understood. Carter had always understood me.
He took me in his arms again when I started shaking and held me as I let the pain and anger out. He didn’t have to say anything because I knew he’d always be here for me. He was my best friend, and I knew he’d forgive me for yelling at him. As all the emotions poured out of me, I realized that if Carter were to ever leave me, I didn’t think I could survive it.
“Shelby?” Caden’s voice pulls me out of one of the many bad memories I have. I unclench my hand around my necklace, placing it back inside my shirt. I sigh, and glance back at him with tears in my eyes.
“Want to go somewhere with me?” I ask with a shaky voice.
“Yeah, sure. Where do you want to go?”
I look back out the window as I say, “I want to go see my Dad.”
The drive to the cemetery is quiet and shorter than I remembered. Caden drives as I sit in the passenger seat of his car, and the silence is welcome. I haven’t been to my father’s grave in a long time. I used to go before I left for South Carolina, but once I started a new life there, I couldn’t make myself return.
I stare out the window, trying to keep the tears away. I don’t want to have a breakdown in the car, or in front of Caden. It seems all I do lately is cry, or feel the darkness creeping in around my heart. I have a feeling Caden understands my pain. I turn to him with tears in my eyes as he squeezes my hand. He looks at me with his deep blue eyes, and I can tell he knows. The Harlow brothers and I were so close. They all shared my pain, and just having Caden here, means more to me than he knows. I couldn’t do this on my own. He slowly lets my hand go, and I face the window again. I try to focus on the cars around us, and the buildings we pass as we make it further out of the city, but it’s all a blur. I blink rapidly, failing at holding back the tears. I don’t wipe them away as they fall, choosing to let out all the pain out. Caden stops and parks the car, turning to me to ask, “Do you want me to go with you?”
I shake my head, staring at my hands in my lap. “Thank you, but this is something I need to do alone.” He doesn’t respond, and after a moment, I open the car door. I know if I need him, he’ll be right here for me. I take a deep breath as I exit the car, and make my way towards my father’s grave. It’s strange how nothing has seemed to have changed since the last time I was here. It’s a typical cemetery, although a depressing place to visit, the grounds keeper has kept the place nice and clean. I slowly walk down the familiar path that leads to his grave, and as I get closer, my chest starts to tighten. I almost want to run, to get away from the never-ending sadness I start to feel. But, this is something I have to do. This is something I need to do. I remember coming here and sitting by my Dad’s grave just to talk to him. Now it seems silly, but as a child and even as a teenager, it was comforting to have somewhere to go and talk about what was going on in my life, or just to get things off my chest.
Especially when Mom was her normal hateful self. This was the place I always would run to when I needed to escape. Even from Carter, sometimes.
Once I reach my destination, I sit on my legs in front of his headstone. I touch the words etched on the stone, wishing I had more time with him. I sigh deeply, feeling the sadness overwhelm me, and I don’t stop the tears from falling. It hurts to remember all the times Dad was sober. All the times I could rely on him, and would be the father every little girl needed. But as I got older, I noticed his drinking more and more. I noticed how he wasn’t my ‘Dad’ as much, choosing the bottle over spending time with me, or even helping me with my homework. I don’t know if he knew I saw the pain from my Mom’s actions. I knew my father loved her, and I’ll never understand why she didn’t love him the same. I have more bad memories than good, but I’ll always cherish the good times, and the times he was actually with me. Not passed out on the couch, or slumped over the toilet. It does seem bitter sweet how much he was himself before Mom left for a year. He was the perfect Dad then. He seemed happy and so carefree.
“I’m sorry we didn’t have more time together. I know now that you did what you thought was the only option left. I know you battled your addiction every single day, but I can’t regret anything. Even some of the bad. I’m not angry anymore for you leaving me behind. I’ve forgiven you for what you did to that family. It’s taken me a long time to accept that you couldn’t help it, and I hope wherever you are, you’re finally at peace.” Somehow, I feel lighter and even though the pain is there, I know it’ll be more bearable than before. Maybe it’s knowing I can come here at anytime again that makes me feel this way. Maybe it’s knowing even though Dad isn’t here anymore, at least I have a place to come to talk to him when I feel so lost in this big world. I touch his stone one last time as I get up, and make my way back to Caden’s car. With each step, my chest loosens and my tears dry up. I wipe my face with the palms of my hands, and I smooth my two toned hair back from my face.
I reach the car and see Caden leaning against the front waiting for me. He doesn’t say anything as he sees me. He walks to the passenger side, opens the door for me, and soon we’re heading back to Annie and William’s home. Caden rolls the windows down, and I lean my head back against the seat, letting the wind blow on my face. I close my eyes, holding my hand out the window, feeling free once again.
And I realize, coming home was the best thing for me.
I walk into the Waffle House and my mouth instantly waters. I nod and wave to all the Sunday regulars, as I make my way to our booth in the back of the restaurant. I slide in, not even bothering to look at the menu. I always get the same thing, and the only time Caden, Cason, and I have to tell the waitress our orders is if someone new has just been hired, or if they order something different. I enjoy coming here every Sunday with my younger brothers after our daily workouts. It’s become another tradition, just like us going to Mom and Dad’s every morning during the weekdays. Plus it’s nice to come to a place that has friendly service, and I can always count on seeing more than one person I know. Tables and booths fill the small area, and there seems to be more people here than last Sunday. The stools by the counter are all full, and the cooks behind the counter rush to fill orders. I’m surprised our booth is open, but I have a feeling our regular waitress had something to do with that. I see her wave at me, and I return the gesture.
I look out the bay windows, seeing the heavy traffic. Rubbing my hand on my jaw, I realize I forgot to shave. I’ve had a lot on my mind, and Dad has been asking almost every day about my decision on t
aking over the firm. I know he’s ready to retire, and a part of me wants to say yes, more out of obligation than anything. I don’t know if it would be a good idea for me to say no because that would mean Dad would sell the firm. I sigh, hating how I can’t seem to make up my mind, and I feel as though I’ve taken a step backward with it. I drop my hand from my chin and look to the door when I see Caden and Cason walk in. They spot me instantly, and I laugh when they race to the booth. Cason hates to sit on the inside, and I know Caden always tries to beat him to it, just to piss him off. I shake my head as they reach the booth. They are arguing and pushing each other. I can’t be anywhere without them bickering like children.
“Will you two stop,” I scold, trying to diffuse the situation before it escalates. It’s happened more than once. One would think since they’re twins they wouldn’t fight so much, but they do. They might be identical, but they are two different people completely. Caden mumbles as he slides into the booth, and Cason has a satisfied smirk on his face. “Can you two please chill out for at least an hour?”
Caden rolls his eyes as Cason says, “It’s not my fault Ms. Prissy over here,” he elbows Caden on the arm. “Gets upset every time he doesn’t get his way.”
“Cason, I swear. If you don’t shut the fuck up, I’m going to beat your ass at the gym tomorrow.”
I shake my head, knowing I’ve heard this conversation a million times. “You wish you could beat my ass. Not my fault you can’t handle my moves.” Caden clenches his jaw, and I can’t help but laugh at them both.
My laugh turns into a groan when my phone chimes. Caden smiles as Cason shakes his head. It’s sad really that we all know who it is. “That poor girl just can’t take a hint, can she?” Caden asks.
