by Brie Paisley
Far from Home by Five Finger Death Punch plays softly on the radio as I pull up, and it suddenly takes me to the past. As I park, I stare at the front porch, remembering so vividly of the first time I kissed Shelby.
I opened Shelby’s door for her, and held out my hand. She smiled at me sweetly, as she placed hers in mine. I couldn’t deny the tingling sensation that ran through me. It’s amazing how much she made me feel and while with her, I felt so alive. I felt as though I was the luckiest sixteen year old ever. I realized, I never wanted this feeling to stop. My heart pounded in my chest as she slowly got out of my old Ford Ranger, and I lead her to the porch of Annie and William’s home. She insisted I bring her back here after our time at the movies, and I didn’t question it. I knew how much the Barrett’s meant to her, and I’ll gladly take her anywhere she wanted to go.
As we reached the top of the steps, I had to remind myself to breathe. My heart pounded in my chest thinking of what I wanted to do, and I could only hope Shelby felt the same way. Our relationship had grown more the older we got, and I knew she was afraid to ruin the close friendship between us. But I wanted her. I needed her, and I knew it a long time ago. Getting Shelby to realize this too, well that was an entirely different thing. I was putting everything on the line tonight. I knew I’d been pushing her more with each day to show her how amazing we were together, not just as friends. I’d been waiting for months it seemed, for this moment, and all the small touches, hand holding, and sweet words spoken over the years had paid off in my opinion. She didn’t flinch or move away from my advances anymore. I could only hope making another bold move would make her finally realize I loved her.
I’ve always loved her.
I didn’t know exactly when I knew it for sure, but I think it might have been the very first day I saw her on the swings on the playground. I knew she was special, and someone I wanted to be around. Slowly pulling her hand in mine, I bring it to my lips placing a kiss on her knuckles. I grinned when she blushed and looked away. I wanted her looking at me. I couldn’t seem to get enough of looking into her deep blue eyes. They were stunning, even with just the porch light shining around her, I could see the sparkles of green in them. I could get lost in her eyes, and she didn’t even know how much I wanted to. How much I could for the rest of my life if she’d only let me. I knew with me being sixteen and her fifteen, a lot of people would say we didn’t know what love was, but they were wrong. I knew I loved her because without her, I felt as if a part of me was missing. Without her I didn’t think of anything else, but being around her. Love is the only expression that can say to show how much I feel about her.
Pulling her closer to me, I used my other hand to brush her hair behind her ear. I watched her lips part as she stared into my eyes. I knew she felt exactly how I did. I could feel her racing heart on her wrist as I used my thumb to trace over her vein. Her chest rose with each breath, and I knew she was struggling to keep it hidden. Her pink tongue dipped out to wet her lips, and I knew she was ready. After months of thinking of nothing but her sweet succulent lips on mine, this moment seemed surreal. I ran my hand down her arm, loving the warm feel of her bare skin on mine. She closed her eyes, and I watched as chills rose up behind my touch. I stopped once I got to the top of her waist, and pulled her to my chest. Her hands rested on me as she steadied herself, but we never lost our gaze. She was just as entranced as I was.
“Carter,” she said breathlessly.
I cupped her cheek in my hand, and leaned in closer to her lips. “Let me kiss you, Shel,” I whispered. It was more of a plea than anything.
She closed her eyes, then said, “Yes.” It was all I needed. I wasted no time in taking her mouth and brought her closer to me. Her lips tasted and felt exactly as I’d imagined. She tasted of mint from her gum, and her soft lips greedily took mine. Our sweet and gentle kiss was everything I thought it would be. It was perfect, it was memorizing, and I realized I wanted to kiss her for the rest of my life. I wanted to deepen the kiss, but instead I pulled away. I didn’t want to rush her too soon, and I’d rather take my time, than her run away from me. She had a habit of running when she couldn’t handle strong emotions, or when things got out of control.
She slowly opened her eyes, and she smiled up at me. I pecked her lips again, mostly because I couldn’t resist. “I’ll call you when I get home.”
“Okay. Until then,” she whispered back to me, and I watched her as she walked inside. When she shut the door, I turned to leave and walked away from the porch with the biggest smile on my face. Shelby had no idea how much that kiss meant to me, but I intended to show her starting tomorrow.
I rub my eyes as the memory fades, and I have to adjust myself before stepping out of my truck. I shake my head, trying to get Shelby’s fifteen year old lips out of my head. But the thing is, I can’t. Now that I revisited the memory, her lips are all I can think and how many times she would kiss me. How every single time she’d take my breath away. The older we got, our kissing became more urgent and erotic. We couldn’t seem to keep our hands to ourselves. “You’ve got to stop. Not going to look good with a boner when Annie answers the door,” I tell my dick. He’s not cooperating, and the last thing I need is to give poor old Annie a damn heart attack.
I end up tucking my stubborn cock up in my slacks, and reach over the seat to grab the bag of sewing stuff for Annie. I still have no idea why my whole family insisted I do this. It seems strange, but then again maybe this is their way of making me visit with the Barrett’s. Before I shut the door, I take my blazer off, tossing it inside my truck. I’m not sure why I chose to wear it today knowing it’s well over ninety degrees, but in my defense, I like to look the part at the firm. I set the bag of sewing supplies down, and quickly roll up my shirt sleeves. Shutting the truck door, I grab the bag and begin to walk towards the house. Walking up the steps, I wipe the sweat forming on my forehead. Today is humid, and my shirt begins to stick to my chest. Once I reach the door, I take a deep breath then knock. When it opens, I was expecting to see a smiling Annie.
I wasn’t expecting to see her.
I wasn’t expecting to feel as though someone hit me with a hammer in my chest.
I blink, thinking my brain is playing tricks on me. There’s no way Shelby Ross is standing right in front of me. There’s no way she’s back. But as I rationalize it, it’s real. She’s real, she’s here, and I can tell she’s just as shocked as I am. Her eyes widen as she stumbles back for a moment. As though she was knocked back by a force like I was. I watch as her hand clutches her chest, and I drop the bag as I take her in. Her hair is longer than I’ve ever seen. It’s touching her waist, and my hand twitches remembering how I used to run my fingers through it. Her blue eyes look me over, and I ache to pull her to me so I can see the hint of green in them. She looks the same but older, more mature, and she’s filled out just like I knew she would. She’s got the perfect hourglass figure and I have to shake my head, thinking how soft and luscious those curves would feel against me. My eyes graze down her beautiful face, and I frown when I notice a scar on her upper lip. I know she didn’t have one the last time I saw her, and I instantly want to know what happened and how she got it. Now that I’m looking at her lips, they take me over the edge. I’m not sure if it’s because I just remembered how they felt on mine or if it’s just because of her, but I have to force myself to stay where I am.
She’s not mine anymore. The thought is unwelcome, but it’s the truth. I lost the right to claim her a long time ago.
Before I can ask her what she’s doing here, I see Annie walk behind her. “Carter! What a wonderful surprise. Come on in.” I clench my jaw, but I don’t take my eyes off Shelby as I reach down and pick up the bag. I have a million questions for her, but they’ll have to wait. I slowly walk inside as Shelby holds the door open for me. Passing by her, I notice how tense she seems. She carefully maneuvers around me, ever cautious not to touch me. It stings, but then again I don’t think too much of it. I’ve thou
ght about this moment numerous of times over the years, and not once did I think she’d ever come running into my arms. She hardly did that when we were together, and I shouldn’t expect it now.
I finally pull my gaze from Shelby, and follow Annie into the living room. She sits on the old worn out couch, and pats the spot next to her. I walk around the coffee table, taking the seat by her. I set the bag on the table as I say, “Mama wanted me to drop this off.” As the words leave my mouth I knew I’d been set up. Did they all know she was back? They must have, and I don’t dwell on the unsettling feeling of being kept in the dark. I’ll deal with my brothers later at the gym, but I’m not sure what to say to my parents.
“Thank you for dropping it off. And good timing too. I need this for the class tonight.” Annie starts rummaging through the bag, and my eyes find Shelby’s. She’s still standing by the door, staring at her feet and I wonder what she’s thinking. Her tense form lets me know she has her guard up. She crosses her arms, and her fingers turn white while holding onto herself so tightly. Wishing she would look at me, I wonder if she’s glad to see me, or would she be happier if I just left? I can’t tell, and it bothers me that I don’t know what she wants anymore. I used to know everything about her and everything she wanted. But I fucked up. I know now that I did more damage than I thought. She seems guarded more than ever when she glances at me, clenches her jaw then looks away. The ache in my chest grows knowing I’m the reason she can’t even bear to look at me. “Carter, you’ll have to thank your mother for me. She really is a life saver.”
“Yes ma’am she is, and I’ll be sure to tell her when I see her later.” I don’t turn away from Shelby as I speak, and I will be talking to my Mom about this.
Reluctantly, I take my gaze off Shelby as Annie starts to stand and I frown, wondering what she’s doing. “Okay, I’m going to take this over to the community center, and I’ll be back in a few hours.” She picks up the bag, hoisting over her shoulder as she winks at me.
“You’re leaving? Right now?” Shelby asks. I can’t help but grin knowing she doesn’t want Annie to leave us alone.
“You’ll be fine. It’s time you two talked and caught up on things.” Annie pats me on the shoulder as she walks by me, then over to Shelby. I watch Annie whisper something to Shelby, and her eyes dart to mine. She nods and Annie gives me one final glance before walking out the door.
It’s an awkward silence now Annie’s gone, and I honestly have no clue where to begin. I have so much to say, so much to ask, but now that it’s just us I don’t know where to start. I watch as she runs a hand through her dark brown hair, then she walks right by me into the kitchen. My eyes follow her movements, and I take in the rest of her. Before I was too caught up to notice her wearing shorts, and now that I can fully see her tanned bare legs, my dick starts to stir again. I chastise myself, willing my cock to behave. I hear the fridge open, and when I hear her voice, I get off the couch. “Do you want something to drink?”
I slowly make my way behind her, and it takes every bit of self-control not to touch her. I want to. I need to, but I don’t. The urge is strong, so strong, I catch myself lifting my arm anyway. “No, I’m good.” I watch her back straighten, and I realize I snuck up on her. She grabs a bottled water out of the fridge, closes it, and then moves to the counter by the stove. She turns around, and I notice she’s holding onto the bottled water so tight it, makes a noise, and her hand turns white.
I start to move towards her out of instinct, but she holds up her hand as she says, “Don’t, Carter. Just … just stay right there.”
I clench my jaw and look away. Damn her and those walls, but I can’t blame her. I sigh deeply as I pull out a chair at the table, and sit down. I rest my arms on my knees as I lean forward, glancing back at her. I still can’t believe I’m looking at Shelby. My Shelby, even if she doesn’t know it. She’s always been mine, and my heart pounds in my chest as I silently reclaim her. “You look good, great actually,” I confess.
“Thank you and you look … good, too.”
I smirk, wondering if she meant to say that instead of something else. “How long have you been home?”
She starts to chew on her nail, and I have a feeling I’m not going to like her answer. “A little over six months.”
I nod, trying not to show her how much that fucking hurts. But honestly, what did I expect? This is Shelby fucking Ross. The one who never stayed around when shit got rough, or when she couldn’t handle when things got to be too much for her, and of course she wouldn’t come rushing to see me. I have to look away, and bite the side of my cheek to reign in my overwhelming need to voice my problem with that. A thought comes to me from a few weeks ago when Caden, Cason, and I were at the Waffle House. I don’t look at her when I ask, “That was you at the Waffle House, wasn’t it?”
I close my eyes when she replies with, “Yes.”
I knew something was up with Cason when he called me later that day. I could hear the anger in his voice, but I didn’t ask him what was going on. Cason never likes to talk about feelings or anything like that, so I didn’t think twice about it. But I should’ve known. Then I remember the time when I saw the slender woman walking down Main Street. The timing is right, and I know it was her. I feel stupid for not realizing it sooner. No woman has called to me like Shelby. No woman has made my heart, and soul ache to just see her again. Now that I have, it hurts more than anything knowing I hurt her so much she wouldn’t even think of me. I know I fucked up all those years ago, and broke her heart, but fuck. Isn’t years of knowing someone not enough? Is it not enough of how much we went through, and everything we shared? Shelby was my best friend since I was six years old. It’s as if she forgot all those years we had. That’s what kills me the most.
Do I mean nothing to her?
I open my eyes and abruptly stand. I glance at Shelby, and she’s still chewing on that nail. I take her in one more time, then turn to leave. It’s too painful to be around her knowing she’s been right here for over six months. Knowing she’s been right down the fucking road from me. She’s here, but still not within my arms reach. My chest tightens and I have to swallow hard when a lump forms in my throat. I feel sick to my stomach, and I have to get the fuck out of here. I can’t stand this … empty, lost feeling. I also have a nagging thought my brothers knew for a while, but I can’t be angry with them. They saw firsthand how much I suffered after knowing Shelby ran to South Carolina. I don’t know why they wanted me to see her now. If anything this just makes me want to go home, say fuck the world, and drink myself stupid for days.
I get to the front door and as I open it, I stop when I hear her call my name. “Carter, please don’t be angry. I’m sorry. I … I just couldn’t see you.”
I don’t look back, because if I do, I don’t know if I’ll be able to leave. I have to walk out the door. I have to get away and drink away this pain … something. “Yeah, I get it.” I really don’t get it, but I’m sure she’d rather I leave anyways. Since she saw me, it’s as if she wished I never came over. I quickly walk out the door worried she might apologize again, but I just can’t listen to it.
For the first time since I’ve known her, I walked away first.
I sit on my bed holding my phone in one hand, and my scrapbook is laying in front of me. Touching the front of the book, I close my eyes and take a deep breath. Since the run-in with Carter today, I’ve had a lot on my mind and mostly a lot of regrets. Seeing him today, and noticing how much hurt he had in his eyes, it almost broke me again. I never wanted to hurt him, but I wasn’t ready to see him. I wasn’t ready to face that sad look in his brown eyes, and I certainly wasn’t ready to experience the overwhelming need to be in his arms again. I did try to be normal and carefree around him. I don’t think I pulled it off, but I just couldn’t act like nothing happened between us. I needed him to leave just so I wouldn’t leap into those huge comforting arms. I need to take care of me first. I’ve come a long way from getting past the hurtful thin
gs Easton would say to me, but I still have a lot of healing to do. I’m still broken. I really don’t know if I can put the pieces back together, and there’s another part of me that’s still angry at Carter for pushing me away all those years ago. If he hadn’t, I wouldn’t have left. I wouldn’t have met Easton. I wouldn’t have all these fucking regrets running rampant in my mind.
I snap my eyes open when my phone pings with a text message. Leaning against my headboard, I open the text and read it.
I take it you’re pissed at me.
I roll my eyes at Caden’s text. Of course, I’m mad at him. That ass knew Carter was coming over this morning. When he boldly asked how it went with Carter and me today, I instantly knew he had something to do with it. I wait a few moments, letting him sit and suffer before I send a text back.
It was a low blow. A warning of some kind would’ve been nice.
I set my phone down beside me, and grab my scrapbook. I place it in my lap, opening it to the first page. I smile seeing the picture of all of us sitting on Annie’s porch for Halloween. Cason and Caden are dressed as cowboys, and they look adorable in their hats. I remember they both begged Linda, their mom, for days about buying them new cowboy boots. They of course got them. Clark is sitting in front of them wearing his Superman outfit. He was the hero out of us, and I swear he wore that costume for months after Halloween. But he didn’t care. He wore that costume proudly, running around the neighborhood trying to do what heroes do. Caleb wasn’t in this one since he was only a year old, but I remember Linda dressing him up in a pumpkin outfit. I can recall how we all thought he looked hilarious wearing it, and we got scolded more than once for making fun of him. My phone pings again, but I don’t look away from the photo. For the first time, I’m seeing this photo as if I have brand new eyes. I never noticed it before, but as I lean in looking more closely, I see Carter staring at me. He was a pirate that year and I was sitting right by him. It didn’t matter where we were, he and I were always together. Smiling, I remember how happy I was that year. I was Cinderella, and I never felt more like a princess. Annie and Linda made my costume by hand, and I helped pick out the crown. I was ten, so Carter was eleven. I frown as I start to flip through my book. In every picture I have of us, even if it’s of everyone, Carter is always looking at me. He does it until we’re older, maybe when I was fifteen.
