by Brie Paisley
It’s all because of Carter. It’s funny how one simple, but passionate kiss can change things.
I have to stop myself from running out of the bathroom, but I manage to slow down. Before I open the door to find him, I take a deep breath stilling the nerves in my stomach. I haven’t been this thrilled in a long time, and I relish in the rush that takes over me. But when I open the door, I’m not prepared to see him standing across the hall. My eyes graze over him, and seeing his naked chest makes my breath catch in my throat. I recover quickly, and blush when he notices me. He must have slept in the guest room across from his room, but my face falls when I see the look on his face. It’s a mixture of regret and sadness.
I’m confused by his look and I instantly think something’s wrong. He hasn’t moved out of the doorway fully, and before I can ask what’s wrong, I hear her voice. “Carter, come back to bed.”
My stomach falls, and I swallow hard trying to get the lump that’s forming in my throat to go away before I ask, “Please tell me that’s not Bethany in there.”
His jaw clenches and his head drops as the door opens so I can see her. She’s sitting up in the bed wearing Carter’s shirt, and it’s all the confirmation I need. I don’t even say anything before turning around, going back to his room, and quickly grab the rest of my things. “Shelby, it’s not what it looks like.” I still as I hear his voice noticing he’s right behind me. I take a deep breath, trying to keep it together, and push past him. I hear him following me, but I just can’t deal with him. I get to the living room, and slip on my shoes before bending down to grab my purse. I can’t even bear to look him as he says, “Please, Shelby. Let me explain. I swear it’s not what you think.”
I put a hand on the door handle, but before I open it I turn and say, “Fuck you, Carter. Don’t follow me either.” I quickly turn away, not caring to see if my words hurt him. I race out the door and get to William’s truck. I drop my clothes trying to dig for my keys in my purse. Unlocking the door, I toss my purse in the seat and bend down to pick the clothes back up.
Pulling out of the driveway, I see Carter standing on the porch with his arms crossed. I know I’m running, the very thing I was trying so hard not to do, but I cannot deal with this. Carter’s house fades behind me and before I reach Annie and William’s, I pull off to the side of the road. I cut the engine and place my head on the steering wheel. I close my eyes, hating that I fell for his lies. I should’ve known something was going on between him and Bethany. It all makes sense now why she didn’t like me, and why she has been so hateful towards me. She has feelings for him. I should’ve seen it the first time I met her, but I missed it. I don’t want to believe that Carter is that type of guy, but the facts are damning. And this isn’t the first time he’s done this. I should’ve seen there was something between them when he never once tried to get away from her advances last night, and then he kisses me only to sleep with her.
I lean back in my seat and let the tears finally fall. I feel as though my heart has literally been ripped out of my chest, and someone is punching me in the stomach. I think it hurts so much just because I was ready to be with him. I was ready to be happy, and move on. To make a better life for myself. I can’t believe I trusted him. I let out a scream willing myself to be strong, but in my heart I know Carter Harlow has destroyed me.
Again.
It takes me back to a time I really don’t want to relive. To a place that I thought my world was ending. But the stupid memory of Carter telling me he didn’t want me, he didn’t need me, surfaces anyways.
It had been weeks since I had more than a ten-minute conversation with Carter. His calls didn’t come as often as they used to. I missed talking to him, hearing his voice, and feeling our connection. I didn’t want to think the worst, so I’d decided to surprise him. I pushed my fear of flying down and hopped on the first flight I could afford. It had also been a long time since he’d been able to come home, and I knew Harvard hadn’t been easy for him. I also knew being away from his family had taken a toll on him, but I couldn’t help but feel he was pulling away from me. I knew something was drastically changing when he didn’t come home to visit my father’s grave on the anniversary of his death with me. He’d never once forgotten, and I told myself he didn’t do it on purpose. I knew he had a lot going on and I tried not to smother him, but I needed him too much to give up.
That’s why I stood outside his fraternity house getting the courage to walk in and surprise him. He had no idea I was there and when he texted me yesterday, he said he would be spending the weekend studying for mid-term exams.
I pushed down the uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach, and walked up the steps to the fraternity. As I got closer to the door, I could hear the loud music playing. I frowned, wondering if Carter was even there. There was no way he could concentrate if there was a party going on. I knocked loudly a few times before a guy answered the door. The guy looked me over, but he didn’t say anything when he let me in. My eyes darted around the crowded living room seeing a mixture of alcohol, drugs, and of course half-naked sorority girls. I instantly felt out of place, knowing I didn’t belong here. My stomach clenched, but I swallowed hard. I took a deep breath, making the flight rush dissipate only by a fraction. I pushed through the drunk college students trying to find Carter. I had no idea where he could be, or what room was his. I’d never been here before, let alone in a different state or city. This was all new to me, but I was determined to talk to him. I needed his reassurance everything was fine between us. I needed him to smile at me, and make my worries seem as though I was over thinking things. To remind me that this was nothing more than a bump in the road. That this was just a time in our lives that we had to deal with, and we’d come out stronger when it was over.
Just like he told me two years ago.
But I didn’t have to look very hard for him. I stood still as I watched him in the kitchen taking shots out of a girl’s cleavage. Afterward he pulled her by the waist, placing her under his arm, and for a moment I thought he was going to kiss her. My mouth dropped shocked he would do this, and I was confused as to why he lied to me. I felt my stomach start to ache, and rubbed my chest feeling my heart breaking one small piece at a time. I clenched my jaw as she smiled sweetly up at him. I wanted to scream. I wanted to yank her by her blonde hair and make sure she never looked at Carter that way again. I’d never been an angry person, but seeing Carter touching another woman, made my blood boil. The rage built, and I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to stop my jealous outburst. But I didn’t have to do anything. I didn’t get a chance. A guy from the party bumped into me, and the commotion made Carter lock gazes with me. His smile instantly faded, and he quickly took his arm off the girl. I sighed when he started to walk toward me, but I couldn’t stand to listen to more of his lies. I had to get out of there. I should’ve listened to my gut. I should’ve listened to the warning bells going off in my head, but I didn’t. As I turned around ready to get the hell out of the house, Carter grabbed my wrist. At this point, I didn’t care what he had to say. I couldn’t stand the thought of him being with someone else, and jerked my hand out of his. I heard him calling after me, but I didn’t stop. I felt my heart breaking more, and tears threatened to spill.
Once I got outside, I closed my eyes fighting the tears from falling, and breathing was a bit easier. I blinked a few times, wondering how in the hell I was going to get back home. Then I heard him calling after me again. I dropped my head knowing I couldn’t run away from this, and I told myself no matter how much it would hurt, I’d listen to what he had to say. “Shelby, what are you doing here?”
I pushed my hair out of my face as I said, “I wanted to surprise you, but I can see you’re busy. Not studying like you told me.” I shook my head, not wanting to believe he would be stupid enough to throw everything we had away. “Are you fucking her? And I need to know why you lied to me.”
He stepped closer to me, and I held up my hands to stop him. “I’m sorry.
I was going to study, but the guys wanted to relax and have a good time. I couldn’t say no, I needed to let go for once.”
I squinted my eyes at him not believing his bullshit excuse, and how he avoided my other question. “So, that gave you a reason to lie to me, forget about coming with me to see my Dad’s grave, and to hang all over some other girl? I need to know, Carter. Did you sleep with her?”
“What? No, I’ve never cheated on you, and I’ll never do that. It was just harmless fun, that’s all. And I … I’m sorry. I know I lied, and I know I forgot to go with you.” He looked away and I frowned. He seemed to be deciding what to say, and I had a feeling I wasn’t going to like it. “Shel, I fucked up. I’ve been fucking up a lot, and I think … I think it would be best if we stopped seeing each other.”
“Carter, what are you saying?” No, he couldn’t be saying this. After all we’d been through, he couldn’t just leave me.
“Look I’m distracted and constantly studying. I just don’t need anything else keeping me from school.”
“But you promised me.” I said with a shaky voice “You told me we would make it work, and I know we can.” I won’t believe it. He’s pushing me away and I won’t let him. We could get past this and eventually, I’d forgive him for lying and for flirting with another girl.
“I know what I said.” I stepped back at his tone. “This is the best thing for me right now, and I need you to understand that.”
I swallowed hard and shook out my hands. “I don’t understand, Carter. What are you saying? That you don’t want me anymore? That you don’t need me? Are you really throwing everything we have away for nothing?”
I stopped breathing as he stayed silent for a few moments. My heartbeat was the only thing I could hear as I waited for him to either rip the rest of my heart out, or if we could forget about this stupid fight and move on. “Yes.” I sucked in a breath and I bit my cheek to hold in my cry. “I’m sorry, Shelby. I can’t do this anymore.”
“Carter, please don’t do this!”
He wouldn’t even look at me as he said, “It’s already done.” I watched him turn and leave, in complete and utter disbelief. He didn’t look back as he walked inside the house, leaving me alone outside.
I waited for a few moments hoping he’d come back. That he’d changed his mind, and didn’t mean any of what he said. But he didn’t. Hot tears fell down my cheeks, and I backed away from the house. I held my chest with both hands, walking alone in a city I didn’t know, feeling the worse kind of pain anyone could imagine.
I was alone, abandoned, heartbroken, and I never thought Carter would be the one to make me feel this way.
A horn honks as it passes by, snapping me out of the past. I watch the car as it fades into the distance, and I’m grateful the person came when they did. If not, I would’ve been stuck in that horrible memory. I let a few more tears fall before I wipe my eyes and face. I start the truck again, gaining a bit more control over myself, and I pull back on the road.
The short drive to Annie and William’s is painful, depressing, and I fear I’m falling down the same hole as I did years ago. But the thing is, I don’t know how to stop it. I have no idea how I’m going to patch my broken heart together again.
I watch Shelby leave, and I know she’s going to need a lot of convincing after this. Rubbing the back of my neck, I’m unsure of how in the hell I’m going to fix this. I make my way back inside when I can’t see William’s truck anymore, and slam the door shut behind me. I’m pissed the fuck off Bethany would do something like this. Stomping through the house heading to the guest room she's staying in, I forcefully open the door. “You have five fucking seconds to explain what the hell that was.” I can’t feel bad for yelling at her. This is such bullshit.
I never fucked Bethany.
I never fucking touched her.
I didn’t even know she was in the same bed as me until I woke up this morning. This whole fucked up situation is just bullshit. I’m being blamed for something I didn’t do, and a part of me is pissed at Shelby since she didn’t even give me the chance to explain. And now she probably won’t. She’ll assume the worse not caring about the truth.
Just like she had thirteen years ago. I might have pushed her away letting her slip through my fingers, but I had good reasons for doing what I did. And there’s so much more to the story than she knows.
“Why are you yelling at me? I didn’t do anything.”
“Bethany, don’t test me right now. Shelby saw you were in here, and now she thinks we fucked.”
She rolls her eyes and crosses her arms. “That’s her problem, not mine. It’s not my fault she runs away like a child every time something doesn’t go her way.”
“Is that really what you think of her?”
“Of course. Why else would she do it?”
I take a deep breath, finding it’s getting harder by the second not to lose my temper. “First off, you have no idea what Shelby has been through, and it’s none of your fucking business to know or to judge her.” I point my finger at her saying, “Second, you forget I fucking know you, and you never do anything like this without an agenda. Thirdly, you and I have never slept in the same bed let alone the same room, so care to explain this to me?”
She looks away and huffs out a breath. I clench my jaw and let my hand drop waiting for her to tell me what the fuck she was thinking. “Carter, I’m going to tell you something, but...” She looks at me and says, “I don’t think you’re going to say the same thing back.”
“What are you talking about?” I’m losing my patience with her. She better have a really good fucking excuse for doing what she did.
“Carter, I … I’m in love with you, okay? There I said it and now you know.” What the fuck? Shocked doesn’t even begin to explain how I feel about her admission. “I can see you’re confused and shocked, so I’ll explain a bit for you. I knew I had feelings for you about a year after we met. I knew you still loved … her, but I was willing to wait until you got over her. I thought it would only be a matter of time before you finally gave up on her after you told me some of what happened between you two, but I really didn’t think she’d come back.” I’m reeling from hearing her words and finding out she had feelings for me all this time. I stare at her utterly dumbfounded, and I have no idea what to say. “Carter, please say something.”
“I don’t know what to even think right now. What would you like me to say? Why would you push me to other women, but yet you say you love me? Not to mention I’ve seen you with other guys. This makes no fucking sense.”
“I dated only to move on but when it never happened, I just used them. And I thought if you started dating again you’d forget about her.”
I can only shake my head as I interrupt her before she can say anything else. “And then what? I’d come running to you? Why would you even think that?”
“Because, Carter. I thought you’d finally see me as more than a friend.”
“I’ll never see you that way, Bethany. It’s always been her, and that’ll never change.” She balks at my words as if they slapped her in the face, but it’s the truth. Even after thirteen years of not being with Shelby and her coming back, still hasn't made my feelings change. If anything, I want her more now than I ever did.
“You can’t mean that. You just need more time, and you’ll see there’s something between us.”
“What else do I have to do to show you that it’s not going to happen? At least not romantically. You’re my friend, or was fuck I don’t know what to think of you anymore.” I shake my head and walk out of the room. I need a minute to process this, and knowing one of my friends has probably ruined everything I had going with Shelby … is devastating. I don’t know how this happened, or how I didn’t see Bethany’s feelings for me. But what shocks me the most is the cruelty I’ve noticed in her since Shelby has returned. It’s as if she’s a completely different person. I never knew she could be this way, and I wonder if she’s showing her true
colors. Sure she’s played pranks on people and talked shit, but she’s never done something that would hurt anyone else. What if this is how she really is, and I just got the version she wanted me to see? I stare at nothing as I walk into the living room and sit down on the couch. I lean my head back and run my hands down my face. I have no clue how to handle this, or how to get past this with Bethany. Can we even go back to being friends after her confession? Do I really want to be around someone like her? I don’t know the answers. I don’t know what to do, or how to get Shelby to listen to me.
Bethany royally fucked me over.
“Carter, there’s something else I need to tell you.”
I drop my hands to my sides when I hear her voice. I sigh deeply before asking, “What else could you possibly have to say?”
I feel the couch dip, but I don’t turn to her when she starts talking. “There’s a reason I didn’t think Shelby would ever come back. When you told me she left you, I did some research. I found something, and I know she hasn’t told you.”
“Out with it already,” I huff out.
“She was married, Carter.”
I snap my head to her, but I don’t believe it. “Why would you lie about something like that? Look I get you want me for yourself and it’s not going to happen, but to lie to me. That’s a low blow, Bethany.”
“I’m not lying to you. I get you’re pissed at me, but I swear I’m telling the truth.” None of this is making sense. My head starts to pound taking everything in. I look away as she gets up and says, “I get you don’t want to believe that she did move on and had another life without you, but it’s the truth. Google it and see for yourself.” She disappears for a moment, and she looks at me before she walks out the front door saying, “She doesn’t deserve a second chance with you.” I don’t bother to get up, or to try and go after her when she slams the door shut. I don’t have it in me.
