by Brie Paisley
All I could see was Easton grabbing me roughly. Easton’s angry face and teeth clenching as he yelled at me. I couldn’t get those images out of my head, and knowing I thought it was Easton grabbing me instead of Carter, it’s something I never thought would happen. I know Carter would never hurt me. He’d never put me through half of what Easton did, but I can’t control when the flashbacks come. I haven’t had one since seeing Carter again until today. I honestly don’t know why I went back to the dark place in my mind. Maybe it’s because Carter caught me off guard. I wasn’t expecting Carter to touch me, let alone grab me to get my attention.
I slowly open my eyes, and raise my head as I lean against the brick wall. I chastise myself for letting things between Carter and I go this far. I knew it was only a matter of time before he sought me out and with Caden and Cason constantly telling me to talk to him, I figured he’d eventually show up. I was hoping Carter would come to Annie and William’s not where I work. My outburst is surely going to cause drama with my boss, but fuck if I could help it. I slowly slide down the wall ignoring the pain of the bricks on my back. I pull my knees to my chest, and lay my head down on my knees. I feel my chest start to ache, and I already know the reason why.
I miss Carter. I miss talking to him. I miss the way he makes me feel, and the way I always seem to have a smile on my face when I’m near him. I half expected him to follow me, but I know he won’t. Not after he saw the way I reacted. It kills me knowing he thinks he caused me to flip out and run away, but that’s not even the half of it. I just wasn’t ready to face the truth of the morning I saw Bethany in his bed. Caden and Cason have made me question that morning more than once, but there’s something that keeps holding me back. I don’t want to be ripped into pieces again. I don’t want to feel heartbroken, shattered, and most of all I don’t want to feel the regret I have constantly consuming me. There’s a hole inside of me and with each day I’m not with Carter, it grows and soon I don’t think I’ll ever be able to fill it. What scares me about the entire situation is, how am I going to move on if what I saw was the truth? How will I make it a second time around knowing this is the same exact feeling I had thirteen years ago? I don’t want to do this again. I don’t want to feel these fucked up emotions but a part of me, the one that still needs Carter, is telling me if I don’t at least listen to what he has to say I’ll never forgive myself. It’s just hard to figure out which part of me wants what more. I could run away again, knowing if I don’t get deeper involved with Carter I might not suffer as much if shit doesn’t go well, or I could push these unwanted thoughts away and hear him out.
Run or stay?
I wish someone would just tell me what to do. It would make my life so much easier, but I know that won’t happen. I can only decide what to do, even if it’ll hurt more in the long run.
I sit on the tree swing in Annie and William’s backyard thinking over my options. It’s been two days since the incident at work, and I’m still confused as to what I need to do. The sun is getting ready to set and I stare down at the ground, and kick a few rocks with the toe of my shoe as I weigh my options. Talk to Carter or not talk to him? Maybe I should pick a flower by the wooden fence, and try my luck with the petals. At least then I would know and stop going back and forth with my decision. I’ve talked to Annie about it, and although she helped bring more into perspective, she refused to tell me what I needed to do. She kept saying, “You already know, Shelby,” but dammit if I know what she means by that. Annie’s good at being cryptic with her words. I know I’m being childish by not making a choice, but when my heart’s on the line, I need to take my time.
It didn’t end so well for me last time.
I’ve decided I won’t move away no matter the outcome. I’m comfortable being home, and I can’t bear to be away from Annie or William again. They’ve helped me so much since I got back, and I can’t even think about not seeing them every day. I just wish knowing what to do about Carter was as easy. I sigh deeply, and turn as I see something moving out of the corner of my eye. I watch Carter walking down the back porch steps and with each step closer, my heart beats faster. My stomach flutters at seeing him, and I notice how tired he looks. He hasn’t shaved in several days, and his eyes look exhausted. I’m glad I’m not the only one losing sleep over this between us.
He stops a few inches in front of me and he grins when he sees me. We gaze at each other for a moment before he asks, “Can I push you?” I smile and look away remembering he asked me the same thing when we first met. He lightly touches my hand and when I glance up at him, I can tell he’s not sure if he made the right move. His eyes hold so much pain and sorrow in them, and it makes me suck in a breath at the intensity. I slowly nod my head letting him know it’s okay to touch me and to start pushing me. I make myself relax as his hand leaves mine, and he walks behind me. I feel his hands gently touching my lower back, and he slowly pushes me forward. I hold on tight to the rope of the swing and lean back as Carter continues to push me higher and higher. With each touch of his hands on my back, I feel myself letting go and the chains that bind my fragile heart release. I find myself grinning widely, and let out a loud laugh as he pushes me one final time. I feel as if I’m that broken five year old again, and nothing can hurt me.
It’s not because I seemed to be flying. It’s because Carter is here. It’s because I know if I were to fall, Carter would be there to catch me.
He’s always been there for me, and the one that never seemed to have left my heart. Annie’s words replay in my mind as Carter slows me down, and I know what she meant now. I let my fear of being hurt overshadow what I really needed to do, and now that Carter’s here, I can have the much needed conversation with him. It doesn’t seem strange to me how things have finally clicked into place since Carter showed up. It was always this way between us. No matter how much I fought within myself about us, or anything else, just being near him made my choices easier.
I come to a stop and Carter walks in front of me. I open my mouth to say something, but I have no idea where to start. I have so much to ask him and so much to tell him. At my continuous pause, he takes it as his cue to begin. “Can I explain first? Then you can tell me whatever you want, and if you still don’t want to see me afterward I’ll understand.” My stomach clenches at his words wondering how bad it’ll be. I also notice he seems unsure of how I’ll react, and he stares at me until I nod my head. He takes a deep breath and says, “I know how bad it looked when you saw Bethany in the same bed I was in and trust me if the roles were reversed, I would’ve thought the exact same thing.” I hold in a breath as he continues, afraid of what he’ll say. “But I swear I never touched her. I promise you. I never slept with her, and I don’t have any type of feelings for her what so ever.” He pauses for a minute, and I let out the breath I was holding. I know he’s telling me the truth. Caden and Cason have repeatedly told me that things didn’t happen the way I thought, and I know neither one of them would tell me that if it weren’t true. Plus I can see it in his eyes as they plead for me to believe him, and he has no reason to lie to me now. “I didn’t even know she got in the bed with me let alone how she felt about me,” he shakes his head and starts to rub the back of his neck.
“How she felt?” I ask even though I already knew Bethany had feelings for him.
He gazes at me as he says, “She told me she loved me.” He says it as though it came as a shock, and I realize he didn’t have a clue of how she felt. “If I’d known, I would’ve … hell, I don’t know. I would’ve stayed away from her, or done something to prevent what she made you believe. I feel as if I should’ve known how she felt, but I either looked over it or just wasn’t paying attention.” I watch him as he squats down in front of me and holds onto the outside of my thighs. I swallow as his touch sends warmth throughout my entire body, and I definitely don’t miss the comforting caress of his fingers. “Maybe I just didn’t see it because there’s only one woman I’ve ever loved, and still want.” Licking my
lips at his confession, I know I’m the one he’s talking about. It’s hard not to believe him, especially as his eyes fill with desire and longing. He reaches up to cup my cheek with one of his hands, and I let myself lean into his gentle touch.
All the reasons to stay away seem to fade to the back of my mind and for the life of me, I can’t seem to remember why I wanted to stay away from him. Carter’s always had that effect on me. I close my eyes as he rubs his thumb over my face and listen as he says, “I’m so sorry you thought I’d slept with her. I hope you know I would never do something like that, and I would never do anything to risk losing you again.”
Slowly opening my eyes, hating I assumed the worst. I should’ve listened to him. I should’ve stayed to let him explain. “I’m sorry I took off before you could tell me this.” I glance down saying, “All this could’ve been avoided if I hadn’t run from you.”
He raises my head with a finger under my chin and he whispers, “You have nothing to be sorry about. All we can do now is move forward. That is if you want to. I need you, Shel.”
I grin at his sweet words as I reach up to hold his hand on my face. I look deep into his eyes and honestly tell him, “I need you too, Carter.” He beams at me and I know he’s happy I finally admitted my feelings out loud for him. It’s a relief actually to let him know that I do need him. It’s always been him. I hope he knows just how much, and that I’m putting my trust in him not to hurt me. I know I still have a long way to go before my past doesn’t have a hold on me, but I also know it’s time to let Carter be here for me. He’ll help me get through the rough patches, and remind me of the good times.
I watch him curiously as he slowly drops his hand from my face and stands. He holds out a hand for me and asks, “Want to go somewhere with me?”
I place mine in his without question and answer with a simple, “Yes.”
He helps me off the swing and pulls me to his chest. His hands hold me tightly, as close as I can be to him, as if he’s afraid I’ll take off at any second. I suck in a long breath taking in his manly smell, and he leans his head against mine as he asks, “You ready to go now?”
I let out a laugh and say, “Yes, Carter. Take me anywhere because from now on, wherever you go, I’ll follow you.”
He pulls back and gazes at me, and declares, “Good, because I’m never letting you go again.”
I blush and look away as Carter parks his truck at the lock and dam. I’m reminded of all the times we used to come here when we were teenagers to make out. I hear him open his door, and moments later, I look up to him opening my side. I hop out with his help, and watch him as he reaches to the back seat. He pulls out a thick blanket and two pillows. He places them under his arm, and I laugh as I ask, “Did you come prepared for this?”
He shrugs as he says, “I’m always prepared. Plus I figured either I’d be here with you tonight, or I’d be here alone. Either way, I wanted to come and watch the stars.”
I walk up to him and take a pillow out from under his arm and say, “Are you trying to seduce me?”
“Why? Is it working?” I playfully slap his arm and start to walk to the bed of his truck. Before I get too far, he takes my hand and pulls me back. I land against him, and my laugh slowly dies away as I look up at him. He gazes at me and I can’t stop wanting him to lean down and take my lips. Instead of kissing me he says, “I’ve missed hearing you laugh.”
“Still the charmer, I see.”
He chuckles and says, “Only for you.” I shyly look away and he slowly lets me go. I walk to the tailgate and let it down. I glance up to see him still standing there, watching me intently. I grin, as I climb up and wait for him to follow me.
“Are you going to stand there all night?” I finally ask when he’s yet to move. He shakes his head and quickly makes his way over to me. I help him get the pillows and the blanket situated so it’s comfortable for us, and I sit back against a pillow as he goes back to the front of his truck. I lean my head back as I hear Lovesong by Adele softly playing over the radio.
“Come dance with me,” I hear Carter ask, and I don’t waste a second before getting up and hopping off the truck. I wipe my hands off on my shorts hoping he won’t feel how clammy they’ve become. Carter lightly grabs onto my waist, and I place my hand on his shoulder as my other sets in his hand. We stare deeply into each other’s eyes as he leads me around with the music’s beat. This song is perfect for us, and I can’t help but feel he played this song on purpose. I don’t mind though, and I don’t comment on it either. I don’t want to ruin our moment. It’s everything I’ve been craving from him and I never want it to stop.
I let out a laugh when he catches me off guard making me do a turn. He dips me back, and holds me there for a moment as he stares into my eyes. I love seeing the smile on his face, and reach up to caress his scruff. His smile slowly disappears and his eyes fill with desire and lust. He guides me upright once the song is over, and I shiver when his hand travels down my arm. My eyes never leave his as he starts to lean into me. I ache for him to grab me and kiss me again, but he doesn’t do that. I hope I hide my disappointment when he takes my hand, and leads me back over to the truck. He helps me climb up, and I take my spot as he sits beside me. I look towards the water, and listen to the waves crashing into the bank. I’m glad Carter parked us facing the water, and I rub my hands up and down my arms as I feel the cool breeze. I turn to Carter when I feel his arm wrap around me. He pulls me to his side, and I place my head on his shoulder sighing as his warmth surrounds me. Neither one of us say anything deciding not to break the silence. I don’t mind it. I actually enjoy just sitting next to him, and letting him hold me. No words are needed and it doesn’t seem possible, but I can feel how pleased he is with me just being here with him.
We eventually move to lay on our backs, and I curl up on my side against him with my head in the crook of his shoulder. He slowly runs his hand up and down my arm making sure I’m warm, and I look up to see his eyes are closed. The moon shines down on us brightly, and I’m glad so I can admire him. His other arm is under his head, and I grin seeing how relaxed he seems. His chest slowly rises and falls, and I sigh deeply at hearing his heart beating strongly in his chest. It’s a soothing sound one that makes the sensations of being complete fill me more than ever before. I realize the hole I felt days ago is starting to fill and I owe it all to him.
He slowly opens his eyes and when he looks down at me and smiles, my stomach dips. He raises up pushing my hair behind my ear. His touch is so kind and loving. He does it slowly and I take it all in, loving every second of it. “You know I never apologized for grabbing you the other day.”
I want to look away, afraid he might see the truth of my past in my eyes, but I don’t. His gaze holds mine and I can’t seem to look away from him. “It’s okay. I know you didn’t mean to upset me.”
“I know. But, I am sorry.” He leans over me as he says softly, “I never want to see that look in your eyes again.”
I let his words sink in before saying, “There are some things about my past I’m not ready to talk about yet,” I swallow hard feeling my heart start to race just thinking about talking to Carter about my past. I know I can tell him anything. I know he won’t judge me or feel sorry for me, but I’m not there yet. A part of me never wants him to know about my past, but that small voice in the back of mind is telling me eventually he’s going to push me to tell him. “I can’t promise you I’ll ever be ready and it’s not something I want to remember.”
I hold onto his arm as he raises it to my top lip, and I hold my breath as he lightly touches the scar on it. I can guess he has an idea of what happened to me, but he doesn’t say anything to push me to talk. At least not tonight. “You know I’ll always be here for you, whenever you’re ready.”
“I know. You’ve always been here for me. Even when I was too stupid to see it.”
I watch him as he smiles and shakes his head then he says, “Not stupid, Shel.” He caresses my face
with the palm of his hand as he leans down. He’s inches from my lips and I slowly let out a breath. “Sometimes we have to lose something precious to us, before we realize how important is really was when we had it.”
There’s so much hidden behind those words, but I don’t want to ask what he means. I can only focus on his lips and the word precious. “Am I something precious, Carter?”
“Yes. You’re everything to me.”
“You promise?”
“I promise with all that I am,” he says and then he captures my mouth with his. His kiss is slow, precise, and it’s filled with so much passion. It’s tender, as if he’s kissing me in the most delicate way he can manage. His hand continues to caress my face, and I let my hand roam up his back, to his neck, and finally they stop when I reach his hair. We both moan when our tongues touch, and I feel my entire body warming. It’s not because I’m hot. It’s because of his mouth, his touch, his very being, and the way he makes me feel whole again. Desire starts to take over and I wantonly move my hips closer to him. I need to feel him all over my body. His kiss starts to deepen as if he can feel my need for him rising. I pull him closer to my chest as his hand leaves my face and slowly makes its way to my leg. He gently pulls my leg over his, and he places his knee in between mine. He glides his hand up my leg, starting at my calf, to my knee, then to my thigh. He sucks on my bottom lip as he grabs onto my thigh tightly making me moan out loud for him.
