by Brie Paisley
I can feel his racing heart and it matches my own. I snap my eyes open as he pulls away. “Carter?” I ask breathlessly hoping he’s not about to stop.
“If I’m going too fast just tell me to stop.” I nod and I can’t help but fall a bit more in love with him. He’s always concerned for me. Always putting me first. It’s still something I’m not used to and I know one day, I’ll finally see that this is something Carter will always do for me.
He takes my mouth again, only this time, his kiss is more demanding and controlling. I grab onto him tighter enjoying it more with each dip of his tongue inside my mouth. Returning the kiss, I savor his taste and the way he feels against me. I arch my hips again as he cups my ass in his hand, and moan in his mouth when I feel his hard cock against my leg.
“Carter, please,” I beg against his lips. I need him to ease this ache that’s building. I’m afraid I’ll burst if he doesn’t do something soon.
He nips at my lips and leaves wet kisses on my cheek making his way down to my neck as he says, “I have you, Shel.” His hand on my ass slowly makes its way under my T-shirt, and my stomach quivers as he touches me. His palm is hot against my skin, but it feels so right. Carter kisses my neck as his hand continues to touch me, and when he takes a hold of my breast through my bra, he groans in my ear. The sound shouldn’t sound so sexy, but I feel my pussy clench when he does it again. “Fuck, Shelby. I’d forgotten how good you feel.”
“Don’t stop,” I cry out when he grabs my other breast. I arch my back letting him know how much I’m enjoying him caressing me.
“Should’ve taken you home so I can have my fill of you more thoroughly.” He declares then nips at my earlobe. If he decides to stop, I think I might cry in frustration. Thankfully he doesn’t, and his hand travels down. He stops his delectable kissing and looks at me. I suck in a breath, as his hand slips under my shorts, then under the band of my panties. Our breaths start to sound heavy panting, as I wait for him to touch me where I need him most. I feel him slowly touch my pussy, and I bite my lip as he runs a finger over my sensitive clit. My hips start to move searching for his fingers and I moan as he says, “Fuck,” when he easily glides a finger inside of me. I close my eyes and lean my head back as he unhurriedly moves in and out of me. I dig my nails in his arm that’s holding him up and my other on his shoulder. “Look at me, Shelby.” I snap my eyes to his at his command, and he says in a husky voice, “I want to watch you come undone for me.”
He adds another finger inside of me, and I gasp before calling out, “Oh, fuck, Carter.” But I make damn sure not to look away. The moment is too intense for me to break our trance. He starts to speed up his movements, but they’re still controlled. He curls his fingertips and wiggles them back and forth, hitting my G-spot. I almost close my eyes feeling the pleasure ripple through me. My hips move with his fingers, and my grip on him doesn’t let up.
I can sense my orgasm coming on fast and Carter must feel it too. He leans down hovering over my lips and demands, “Let go for me, Shelby. Let me feel you come.” Not even two seconds later, I feel my walls clenching around his fingers, and Carter captures my cries of pleasure with his mouth. I ride the waves of absolute bliss. Never wanting it to end. My entire body feels warm mixed with a numbing sensation followed right after.
It’s ecstasy.
It’s consuming.
I fear I’ll never be able to get enough of the way Carter makes me feel.
I finally come down from my high and Carter slowly takes his hand out of my shorts. He lays his hand on top of my stomach, and he gazes at me with satisfaction gleaming in his eyes. He raises up to sweetly kiss my lips, and my grip on him finally releases. I let my leg that’s over him fall beside my other one, and realize he’s still hard. I start to lean up and reach down to please him but he stops me. “Lay with me.”
I frown wondering why he doesn’t want me to satisfy him. “You don’t want me to return the favor?”
He chuckles, a sound I’m finding I like very much, and he pulls me back down by him. “I would love nothing more than for you to touch me and get me off, but I wanted to do something for you. I wanted to watch as you let go.” He touches my lips as he says, “And seeing how beautiful you are while you came on my hand is enough for me.”
“Carter, stop that,” I say, and turn away. My face flushes and I’m thankful it’s night and he can’t see how red my face is. I don’t know why I’m embarrassed.
“Don’t be embarrassed. It was fucking hot as hell. And I definitely cannot wait to see you come undone again.”
“You’re so bad!”
We both laugh and he brushes my hair out of my face as he says, “I’m only what you need me to be, Shelby.” I place my hand on his face taking him in and loving every second of it.
It’s in this moment that I can’t figure out why in the hell I’ve been running away from this man for so long. All this time I’ve spent away from him just seems cruel, and I tell myself there won’t be any more running from him. He’s everything I’ve ever needed, and it’s time I start letting myself be with him and enjoy everything he has to offer me.
Every day that I spend with Shelby, I can see the change in her. She’s always smiling or laughing, and I’ve noticed she doesn’t get lost in her thoughts as much. I’d like to think I’ve had a lot to do with that. We spend every chance we have together mostly at my house, watching movies or going out to eat. It’s been three months since I got her back after the misunderstanding with Bethany, and I can only hope things between us continue to get better. I’m learning more about her than I’ve ever known, and I love how she’s able to act the way she used to.
I’m finding I enjoy our routine, and I’m trying not to push her into anything she’s not ready for. While I love kissing her sweet and seductive lips, I’m beginning to develop a serious case of the blue balls. I want to claim her, make her mine fully, but I want her to know it’s not about the sex for me. I’ve craved this normalcy with her for so long, and now I’m living it almost every single day. I don’t want to do anything to ruin it. But it is getting harder not to take her when I touch her, when I caress her soft skin, and especially when she begs me to fuck her. She makes it hard for me not to give into her desires and her need for me, but I want her to open up. I want her to tell me everything about her past, because I know it still haunts her. I’ve noticed over the past few months, every time I bring it up or ask a question about her time in South Carolina, she either avoids the question, or makes me forget with her luscious mouth. I’m a patient man, but fuck me I need her to open up fully to me. I need her to need me as much as I need her, but I can’t be the man she wants if I can’t help her get over the past.
Looking down at her sleeping next to me on the couch, I brush her hair out of her face. I pull her sleeping form closer to me, holding on tightly to her, because I have a feeling something is going to happen, and it’ll rip us apart or she’ll do what she does best. I hate I have that nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach about her up and taking off again, but I can’t help it. Which is another reason why I need her to talk to me. She snuggles her face deeper in the crook of my arm, and I feel my heart clench with a familiar ache. She looks so peaceful and angelic like, as she sleeps and I know I have to have this with her every day for the rest of our lives. I want her to be mine totally and completely, not halfway like it is now. I just have no idea how to get her to talk to me without pushing her, and risking her running away from me. I cannot bear her leaving again. I cannot take knowing she’d rather run off instead of facing the problem that I can help her with. I know she’s slowly getting better, but she should know more than anyone, that the past never stays where it belongs. Sooner or later it’s going to smack us both in the face and I hope she knows no matter what she went through or what happened, I’ll always be here for her.
That’ll never change. No matter how much she tries to run from me or keep her past hidden, I’m not letting her go this time. I’ve never regretted something s
o much until I let her go thirteen years ago. Every single day without her, I knew I fucked up and made the wrong choice. Even if I thought I was doing the right thing for her. It was stupid of me to think I could live my life without her. I place a kiss on her forehead, wishing I could go back and change pushing her away. It seems like a waste I’ve been missing her for so long, knowing it didn’t change anything. Sure she went to college, got a degree, and got married, but I never once stopped loving her. I’ve never stopped caring about her, or just thinking of her. I sigh, grateful she’s here with me now, and maybe this is fate’s way of giving me another chance with her. I’m glad for the second chance and it’s one I’d never dreamed of having again.
When she starts to whimper in her sleep, I lightly run my fingers up and down her arm. She’s done this multiple times and I’ve let it slide, not wanting to push her into telling me what her dreams are about. I want to know, need to know what makes her cry out sometimes in her sleep. Most of the time, she clutches my shirt as if she’s holding on for dear life. I don’t know how much more I can stand to watch and not confront her. Her pain in her cries chip away at my heart and my soul each time she calls out for me. Her breath comes out in pants, and I know this one is going to be bad. Her head starts to thrash back and forth and I gently shake her trying to wake her.
“No! Please, stop!” I clench my jaw hearing her plea.
“Shelby, wake up.” I shake her a few times, but she’s in her nightmare too deep. I don’t know what to do, or how to help her. I pull my arm from under her head and lean over her, hoping the movement will wake her. It doesn’t and I take a deep breath as I get off the couch. I know I have to get her out of the nightmare. She’s starting to cry louder and she rolls to her side, as if she’s trying to get away from something, or someone. I take a hold of her shoulders and shake her gently as I try to wake her.
She thrashes her arms out at me, fighting me off as she screams out, “Stop! Easton, please don’t hurt me!”
I don’t know what to do and hate that I feel so helpless. “Shelby, wake up!” Relief flows through me when her eyes open, but my stomach drops as I see the fear in her eyes. I slowly let go of her, and she covers her face with her hands as she begins to cry. I pick her up and sit down holding her tightly to me as she cries hysterically. I rub her back and tell her everything is fine now, but it seems no matter what I say, her sobs refuse to stop. I don’t know who Easton is, but I have a feeling he’s the reason for her nightmares. I want nothing more than to find this asshole, and beat the shit out of him for making Shelby go through this. I pull her back and wipe her tears away. She refuses to look at me and I softly ask, “Do you want to talk about it?”
She shakes her head and says, “It’s nothing. I’m sorry you had to see that.”
“This isn’t the first time this has happened, Shel.” I place a finger under her chin and make her look at me. “I think you need to talk about what’s making you have these nightmares. It’ll help you move on from them and you know I’m here for you no matter what.”
More unshed tears fill her eyes, and I will her to open up to me. She sucks in a breath and leans forward as she says against my lips, “Make me forget, Carter.” She takes my mouth urgently, and I want nothing more than to give her what she wants. I kiss her back, holding onto her thigh and caress her face. I can feel her tears as they fall on my face and I know I can’t help her this way.
I slowly pull her back and plead, “Talk to me, Shel. I can’t help you if you don’t tell me what’s really going on.”
She recoils then quickly gets off me. Fucking hell. I know she thinks I’m rejecting her, but that’s far from the truth. “I’ll just go then. I can see you don’t want me, and I’m sorry you have to deal with this shit.”
I get off the couch and stand in front of her as I say, “No, you’re not going anywhere until you explain why you keep having these nightmares, or why you keep shutting me out.” I won’t let her run away from this. Away from me.
“I can’t, Carter.” She shakes her head and says in a broken voice. “Please, don’t make me.”
I sigh, knowing this is probably going to hurt both of us, but she needs to get whatever’s haunting her out. Taking her hand, I rub my thumb on the back of her hand as I say, “I need you to tell me. It’s not because I want to push or hurt you, but because you need this. You can tell me, Shelby. Please let me carry some of that burden for you.”
“You say that now, but trust me, you don’t want to know.”
“What do I have to do to make you see I’m here for you? That I want to help you and be the one you need? I can’t do any of that when you continue to shut me out and run at every chance you get.” I’m trying not to lose my temper, but fuck enough is enough.
She jerks her hand out of mine and steps back as she crosses her arms. “Fine. You want to know it all? Then I’ll tell you, but I can promise you this, you’re not going to like it.”
I rub the back of my neck as I say, “I might not like it, but I’m willing to listen if it’ll help you stop screaming out for me in your sleep.” I close my eyes and let out a long breath. I open my eyes, then glance at her. Even if I’m about to fuck it all up, she has to know that I know she was married. I have a feeling this is what this entire situation is about. “Is it because of your ex-husband?”
Her eyes widen, and I know that’s the last thing she thought I’d say. “How did you know I was married?”
“Bethany,” is all I say and I know that’s not what she wanted to hear.
“Really?” She lets out a laugh but there’s nothing funny about this conversation. “I’m guessing she checked out my background then. Of course she’d tell you that. Of course she’d do everything she could to get you for herself.” I start to stop her and tell her that’s not why, but she doesn’t give me the chance. “Let me guess, she probably painted my failed marriage in a perfect little picture didn’t she?” Actually she didn’t say anything about it, but I don’t stop her from continuing. “There wasn’t a single perfect thing about my ex-husband. There were no rainbows and sunshine and all that bullshit people say about being married. It was horrible. It was nothing more than a man trying to make me into someone I’m not, and constantly telling me I wasn’t worth shit.” I clench my hands to my side as her words continue to flow and she’s right. I don’t like this, or the way this conversation is going. “You want to know how my perfect life was? It was me always walking on eggshells. Being terrified of doing something wrong, and no matter how small it was, I always paid a price. At first, it was small things he’d say to me. But over the years, he didn’t try to manipulate me. No, after my mother moved to South Carolina, he wasn’t so discrete about how he felt about me, or how much he thought I was nothing more than trash.”
She turns away as if she’s ashamed of what she’s telling me. I want to comfort her tell her that bastard doesn’t mean shit, but I’m rooted in place. I know she has more to say and more to tell me, but damnit as much as it hurts to see her this way, I have to let her finish. “The worst part about it, I wanted to be everything he wanted. I did every little thing he asked and more, but it was never good enough. My hair wasn’t the way he wanted, I didn’t dress sophisticated enough for his liking, or my favorite, I didn’t please him the way he liked. It was always something, always his damning words cutting me deep to my soul. I’d much rather he had beat me than remind me how worthless I was. How I’d never amount to anything without him, and how he made me who I was.” I stumble to the couch feeling as if I don’t sit, I might fall to my knees. I thought it might be bad, but fuck I didn’t realize how awful it was for her. I let my head fall as she continues on. “He made me want him. I hated how he’d go for weeks, and once for months without touching me or talking to me. He knew exactly what to do to make me do whatever he wanted, and I fell for it every time.” My heart begins to ache hearing the agony in her voice. “I didn’t think I was worth anything after a while. I thought no man would want m
e knowing how damaged and broken I was. After hearing the same hurtful words over and over, it’s hard not to start believing them. My mother definitely didn’t help. If I’d go to her and tell her what was going on, she’d tell me I needed to be better. I needed to stop being selfish, and be the perfect little wife I was expected to be. The thing is, Easton came at the perfect time and I don’t know how he knew I was so vulnerable. Maybe he sensed it. I don’t know, but at first he made me feel better. He made me forget.”
I snap my head up hearing that and ask, “It’s because of me, isn’t it?” She slowly turns and I can see it in her sad eyes. It’s my fault she went through all this. If I’d never pushed her away or let her go, she would’ve never had to endure any of it.
“You didn’t want me anymore, Carter.”
No, no, no. This wasn’t how it was supposed to go. I stand up and pace in front of the couch. A wave of uncontrollable guilt comes over me and I yell, “Fuck!” I did this. I knew I fucked up, but knowing I’m the reason she was hurt so much over the years because of me … I can’t take it. No wonder why she didn’t want to see me when she first got back. No wonder she ran and shut me out so much. She didn’t want me to know it’s all on me for letting her go, and having to live through so much pain. But I tell myself I did it for the right reasons even if those reasons don’t mean shit. Who am I kidding? I was selfish. I was young and I thought I didn’t need her.
Was I ever fucking wrong.
I turn and look at her seeing tears falling down her face. I feel sick. I feel as if someone ripped my beating heart out of my chest, and all the breath in my lungs evaporate. “I’m so fucking sorry,” I choke out and reach for her. She walks into my arms and she lets out another cry on my chest. I clench my jaw as I feel my own tears burning and a lump forms in my throat. I thought I regretted what I did before, but now the regret is almost too much to bear. I hold her tightly unwilling to let her go, and I can only hope she can forgive me.
