by Amy Lillard
“Reuben trained her,” Mariana said on a sigh. “That was part of the deal when he brought her over. I said he had to train her since I couldn’t get up.”
“So he brought you a puppy and he housebroke it?” Clara Rose’s eyes grew wide. “That man’s got it bad.”
Mariana shook her head. “Y’all are just making up stories where there are none.”
Eileen propped her hands on her hips and turned to face Mariana once more. When she spoke, her tone had lost its teasing edge. “Listen, I know how hard it must have been for you to lose Leroy the way you did. But all joking aside, Reuben Weisel is a good man.”
Mariana shook her head even as she said, “I know that.”
“It’s not been very long since we buried Leroy, but keep an open mind, okay?” Eileen said. “You’re fixing to have two babies to care for and no job. How are you going to support them?”
It was a question she had asked herself countless times, but there had never been an answer.
“You think she should get married again?” Clara Rose asked. “So soon after she lost her husband?”
Verna shrugged. “I don’t see why not. Lots of women do. And even more men. We weren’t meant to walk this world alone.”
Mariana thought that was interesting, seeing as how Verna had been widowed for a year and had made no secret of the fact that she was enjoying single life again.
Eileen sat on the edge of Mariana’s bed and took her hand. “I’m not saying you have to make any decisions. I’m just saying it’s time for you to start living again.”
It was true. She had spent the last few months taking care of Leroy. Those final days were brutal. But she couldn’t imagine marrying someone else now. But if there was someone that she wanted to marry . . .
“Well, I guess this is as good a time as any to bring it up. We’re getting a benefit auction together for you, Mariana,” Verna said. “I guess it’s not supposed to be a secret or anything, but we know that you’re going to need some money coming up, and now that you don’t have Leroy here . . .”
Tears stung Mariana’s eyes. “I’m sorry,” she said as the tears started to fall. She managed to hide one sigh, making it a hiccup instead. But the emotion was still there. “I don’t know what I would do without you.” She looked at each of them in turn, this mismatched group of friends she had.
They said everything happened for a reason, and that she had to believe. So there was a reason why all these ladies were her friends. And for that she was eternally grateful.
* * *
But the conversation stayed with her all through the night and into the next morning. It was Verna’s turn to come feed the chickens and get her lunch and breakfast ready, but the older woman didn’t bring up Reuben or the dog or Mariana getting married again. Verna simply acted as if the conversation from the day before had never even happened.
Not long after she left, Reuben stopped by. He came in as he usually did, whistling tunelessly as he gathered up the puppy’s food and water, then set the little beast on the floor.
“What’s that?” he asked, pointing to the shoe box she had sitting next to her on the bed.
“Candy sleeps in it. I was worried that I’d roll over and squish her. I figured if she was in the shoe box, she might be safer at night.”
He nodded. “Good plan. Wait right here,” he continued. “I have something else.” He disappeared from her room and returned a couple of minutes later with a small staircase. At least it looked like a staircase to her, four little steps with no back.
“What are you doing with that?”
“Watch this.” He set the staircase at the foot of her bed, the tallest step next to the mattress. “Come here, Candy.” He clicked his tongue and called the puppy away from her empty food bowl. She’d taken to licking it across the floor as she made sure she got every morsel. “Come here.”
Candy did as she was asked, scampering across the floor with her little pink tongue hanging out.
“Come on, puppy,” Reuben said, holding his fingers out as if he was holding a treat. Candy dutifully climbed the little stairs and onto the bed.
“Did you make that for her?” Mariana had never seen such a thing. Who would’ve thought to build a staircase so that her dog could climb up onto the bed unassisted?
“Yeah.” He shrugged. “It was nothing. But I thought it might make it easier on you and her when Candy needs to get in and out of your bed.”
“That was really sweet. Thank you, Reuben.” But Clara Rose’s words that Reuben had a crush on Mariana resurfaced again and again, mixing in with Eileen’s and Verna’s suggestion that perhaps she should get married again.
“What’s wrong?” Reuben asked.
“Nothing. I’m fine.” But this time she couldn’t even convince herself.
“I don’t believe you.” Reuben came up beside her bed on the opposite end.
“The quilting circle’s getting a benefit auction together for me.”
Reuben nodded. “I heard something of that nature.”
“That made me start to wonder. I mean, what am I going to do?” She didn’t have to explain that she meant what was she going to do with no job and two babies but no husband to help support her.
“I guess you could get married again.” She started to speak, but Reuben held both hands up to stay her response. “Now, just hear me out. I know how much you cared for Leroy and I know how much he cared for you, but . . .” He stopped, took a deep breath, then plunged forward. “I think we should get married.”
“Married?” It was all Mariana could say. “Married?”
“Just listen,” Reuben continued. “It doesn’t have to be a real marriage. I mean, I know how close you and Leroy were. I would never be so bold as to assume I could ever take his place. But I think we get along well enough. You need someone to look after you and the babies and even little Candy here. I seem to be the logical person. Don’t you think?”
“None of this is logical,” Mariana said. Her mind reeled. Married?
“You don’t have to say anything now. You don’t even have to make up your mind now. But give it some thought.”
Mariana was certain it would be hard to keep his marriage proposal out of her thoughts. But how could she marry Reuben? Now he was her husband’s best friend and yes, they did get along. She knew for certain that many marriages had started with less. But what if one day he wanted more?
“I don’t need to give it any thought, Reuben. I can’t cheat you out of the life that should be yours.”
He frowned. “What are you talking about, cheat me? How would you cheat me out of anything?”
“What if you meet somebody and fall in love? What then? You’ll be married to me forever. I don’t want that to happen.”
“If I haven’t fallen in love by now, I’m probably not going to.”
“You don’t know that for certain.”
A strange look crossed his face, then Reuben pushed to his feet and stalked over to the window. He looked outside, though with his faraway stare Mariana had to wonder if he saw anything at all. “Do you know why I never got married?” he asked.
“I guess you just never found the right girl.”
“Something like that.” Reuben turned back, his gaze falling on her once again. “I always wanted what you and Leroy had.” He shook his head as a sad smile flickered across his face. “Always wanted someone to look at me the way you looked at him. As time went on, I realized more and more that it wasn’t someone else that I wanted, but maybe you.”
Mariana’s heart gave a hard thump in her chest. Was he saying . . . ? “I don’t think I understand.”
“The more time I spent with the two of you, the more I realized that it wasn’t someone like you I wanted, but just you.”
Mariana was dumbstruck.
“I was planning on giving you enough time to mourn, to go through the process, then you came to me and told me that you are having a baby. Now you’re having two babies, and they n
eed a father. You need a husband. It only seems logical that I fill those shoes.”
“But . . . But . . .” She had no idea what she thought she would say. Her thoughts were like scrambled eggs.
“I know you don’t care about me that way. And I wouldn’t expect you to. It will just be for convenience sake. So I could take care of you and the babies.”
“And what would you get?”
“I get to be close to you.”
Mariana shook her head. “I don’t know, Reuben.”
He came back to the bed, standing near, but farther away than he had been all week. “I scared you, didn’t I?”
“Oh no,” she lied. He did more than scare her. He terrified her. All these years and she had never known that he thought more of her than just as his best friend’s wife.
“I don’t know what to say,” she said.
He gave her a rueful smile. “I was hoping you would say yes.”
“Yes,” she repeated, turning the word over in her brain, trying to figure out exactly what it meant for her and the babies. Someone to take care of them. Someone to work, to bring in an income so she could take care of these two little unexpected bundles. “What would people say?”
Reuben shook his head. “People are going to say what people are going to say. If we talk to the bishop, get special permission, maybe we can get married sometime this fall. Your mourning time wouldn’t be over, but we could get married after the babies come. I think folks would understand. If not . . .” He shrugged. “Our relationship is our business. As long as the bishop approves, who can say anything different?”
He was right, she supposed. And as strange as the decision seemed, how could she not take him up on his offer? “Where will we live?”
“Wherever you want to. You want to live here? Fine.”
“And you wouldn’t care about that?” she asked.
“Not at all. I just want to take care of the three of you. Where we do that doesn’t matter.”
“Can I have some time to think about this?”
“Of course,” he said. “But please . . . don’t take too long.”
Chapter Six
Mariana lay in the darkness and stared up at the ceiling. They had told her at the doctor’s office that she might be more comfortable lying on her left side with the pillow beneath her knees and maybe one at her back. But then they had followed that up with as she got bigger. Right now the babies were just a bulge, not much bigger than her stomach when she ate too much. Was she the only person they didn’t seem real to? Everyone else seemed to embrace the idea, but to her, they seemed as far away as the moon and as much of a fantasy as an Englisch fairy tale. She couldn’t wrap her mind around the fact that she was having one baby, much less two, that Leroy was gone, she was confined to her bed, and Reuben had just proposed to her. Maybe she should pinch herself to see if she was dreaming.
Beside her, in the tiny shoe box, Candy whimpered in her sleep as if she was chasing rabbits. It was too much of a detail not to be real. So what was a girl to do?
“Oh, Leroy,” she whispered to the darkness. “I don’t know what you would have me do.” How could she determine the right thing to do when she was so entrenched in it?
Marry Reuben. Was that the answer? It would certainly give her a partner in this new adventure of parenthood. And she couldn’t think of anyone better to marry than him. But how could she marry him knowing how he felt about her even when she was married to someone else?
Though he had been mighty good at hiding his feelings, she had never once suspected that he felt anything stronger for her than merely friendship. Although he claimed otherwise, she couldn’t help but believe that one day he might find someone he truly loved.
Maybe that was the problem. Maybe she was afraid that he only thought he loved her, and when real love came along he would be tied to her forever. Not just her, but her babies as well. Never ever could she steal his life and freedom from him that way. It just wasn’t possible. Not for her own selfish reasons.
She eased onto her side, wishing she knew the right thing to do. It would be so much easier to accept Reuben’s proposal, allow him to take care of her and the babies. Have him move in and support them while she took care of him as a wife should.
And though he said otherwise, what would they do if the day came when he was no longer happy with their arrangement? Losing Leroy had been hard enough, but to lose Reuben too . . .
She pressed a hand to her belly, wishing for something, some kind of sign. Anything to let her know what to do.
Dear Lord, help me, Lord. Help me know what’s best. There’s more than just me to think about. And more than just Reuben. My thoughts are a mess and my judgment seems inadequate. So help me, Lord, find the answer I need. Help me. Direct me to do Your will. Direct me to what I’m supposed to do. Amen.
Just then it happened. A small flutter, like butterfly wings beating against the walls of her belly. She had never felt anything like it before. Joy overcame her and tears rose into her eyes. Her babies were moving. The first sign that life was really there. And she was all alone except for Candy. She lay there in the dark, wishing someone was with her. Her mother and father, they were both gone. Leroy, gone. Her sister, halfway across the state. There was no one to share it with. No one to share one of life’s great moments. No one there to share the miracle of God’s love.
She could just imagine the joy and wonderment on Reuben’s face if he had been there to place his hand next to hers and feel that soft flutter.
And instinctively she knew. It was the sign she had been looking for.
* * *
“I’ve been thinking about what you said yesterday,” Mariana started, gathering up the pieces from their game, more for something to do with her hands than anything else.
Reuben perked up. “I didn’t want to ask,” he said haltingly.
She nodded. “I think maybe it is a good idea that we get married.” She looked at the game pieces in her hand, the floor, the box where Candy slept, and out the window. Any place but in Reuben’s searching green eyes. “Later, of course. The babies are due in September, but the doctor thinks they’ll probably come in August. He said twins usually come early. So maybe December?”
“What’s wrong with November or October? Those are good months to get married.”
“Jah, I suppose.” She chanced a look back in his direction.
He was staring intently at her as if he could see straight through her lie of an expression to her very soul. “I think this may be a bad idea,” he said. His expression saddened until it was as dark as a storm cloud and twice as miserable.
“It’s not that. It’s just that . . .” But she didn’t know how to finish.
“I understand,” Reuben said. “I know what you and Leroy had was special. And I don’t want you to think that you have to marry me. I just wanted to take care of you, that’s all. It wasn’t right of me to make you uncomfortable.”
“I’m not uncomfortable.”
He pushed to his feet and stalked across the room. “You are. You’re so uncomfortable you can’t even look into my face.”
Candy whined as he raised his voice. Then he seemed to pull himself back together. “It was a bad idea. I should have thought about it more before I said anything.”
“I wish you would stop saying that. I just agreed to marry you.”
He stared out the window, not bothering to move his gaze to her as he spoke. “I’m not trying to belittle what you shared with Leroy. I’m not trying to make that less than what it was.”
“I know. And . . . And my life with Leroy wasn’t perfect.” She couldn’t believe the words had come out of her mouth. But once they started, she couldn’t stop them. “You didn’t see him at the very end. You didn’t see how bad he progressed. Every day it grew harder and harder. He was different when company was here, when the bishop would come over or a neighbor. Then he seemed more like himself, but somehow with me—” She shook her head. “It was as if
he didn’t know me, as if I was somehow at fault. He changed until he became a person I didn’t know anymore. You didn’t belittle anything we had. The cancer did. And I lost my husband twice. Once when he stopped being himself and the second time when I buried him.”
“I’m sorry,” he said. “Why didn’t you tell me?” His voice returned to a normal tone, even lower, softer, more concerned.
“What difference would it have made?”
He thought about it a second. “I don’t know.”
“It would have only changed how he felt about me and I felt about him. It wouldn’t have changed anything, not what the disease did to him. I loved him with all my heart, but when he died he set us both free.”
Reuben crossed the room in an instant. He knelt by the bed and clasped her hands in his. “I’m sorry. So very sorry.”
“It’s not your fault,” she whispered in return. He tugged on her hands until they were eye to eye and nose to nose. Then he tenderly kissed her forehead.
Mariana closed her eyes, relishing the small token of affection. It had been so long since she’d had even the gentlest of touches.
“I promise you,” Reuben said. “We’ll only remember the good times. The bad ones will be forgotten. And then we’ll make more good memories. You’ll keep your journal and we’ll tell the babies all about their father and all the wonderful things he did. And that’s all anyone ever needs to remember of Leroy Miller.”
* * *
“Are you sure this is okay?” Reuben cast a quick glance in her direction.
“I told you, the doctor said it would be fine.”
Even as she said the words, Reuben slowed the buggy. They were barely going at a crawl. “If we go much slower than this, we’re never going to make it to church.”
A wrinkled frown creased his forehead. “Better make it late than not in one piece.” He pulled back on the reins again. If they went much slower, they might just be at a stop. “I should have asked the bishop to let me bring the tractor.”
Mariana laughed. “Like a tractor rides any smoother than a buggy and horse.”
