by Amy Lillard
“I think so.”
All in all, it really didn’t matter to her. She was outside. She had been released from total bed rest. At her last doctor’s appointment, her blood pressure had been lower and everything looked good. The doctor said the babies’ heartbeats were strong, and he told her that she could go to church but with stipulations.
She adjusted the pillow at her back and shifted on top of the one she sat on. It felt strange to have such a cushion in an Amish buggy. She supposed that if she kept this up, she might not ever want to go back to the old way.
“I called the bishop and left a message to make sure. He said that Eli Miller would have a nice cushion chair for you in the back room during the service. I don’t want you to sit for three hours on one of those hard benches.”
“I already called. Are you forgetting they’re my in-laws?”
“In-laws or not, I wanted to make sure you had a chair.”
Mariana smiled, still loving the feel of the breeze on her face. She only wished the buggy was topless so she could actually have the sun on her shoulders. She was just so happy to be out of the house for the first time in over a month.
“There’s no telling what they think. I called them, then you called, and then the bishop.” She laughed.
Reuben pulled down the Millers’ driveway, lining up his buggy with the several already parked there. Before he even set the parking brake, Aaron Miller was there to put the horse in the pasture.
Mariana slid the door open and Aaron gave her a hand down. “Danki,” she said.
He nodded in her direction. “You look well.”
She smiled. “I feel well.”
“Mamm has a chair all set up for you. We wanted to make sure you were as comfortable as possible.” His brown gaze flickered from Mariana to Reuben and then back. But he said nothing.
“Thank you, Aaron.”
He gave a quick nod as she and Reuben made their way across the yard to the house.
She wasn’t sure if it was because she hadn’t been to church in so long, or because she showed up with Reuben, or maybe because it was becoming more and more apparent that she was going to have a baby—correction, babies—but it seemed as if all eyes had turned to them.
She glanced at Reuben, but if he had noticed, he made no remark. He simply walked next to her, his steps slow as if not to tire her, his eyes straight ahead.
“Let’s get you settled down before everyone else comes in.”
She nodded and he clasped her elbow and assisted her up the steps, across the porch, and into the Miller house.
She had been there too many times to count, seeing as how she was married to Eli Miller’s brother, and she knew her way around.
She steered Reuben toward the living area of the Miller house. Like many Amish homes, it had sliding walls that pushed back to allow for extra room. The church benches were already in place, along with padded seats in the back for the infirm. She’d never before thought she would be among them, sitting in the back like some sort of queen. But she had a feeling that if she went against the doctor’s orders and sat on the regular benches, Reuben would have a heart attack before the service was over from worrying about her so much.
“Do you think you will be comfortable enough here?” Reuben asked.
“Of course,” Mariana said. “I’m not broken, just . . . You know.”
“I don’t want the doctor to regret allowing you to come here.”
“He’s not going to, though I’m starting to wonder if this is a good idea. Now leave me be and go do what men do before church.”
He seemed as if he was about to protest, then changed his mind. With his lips pressed firmly together, he nodded once, then reluctantly walked away.
Mariana sank down into one of the padded chairs lined up across the back of the room. She wasn’t sure how long she would be able to attend church services in the upcoming months, and she was grateful to have this time today.
“I’m so glad you made it.” Gertie Miller stopped by Mariana’s chair and squeezed her hand. She had been by the house a couple of times since Mariana had gone on bed rest, but with Jonah having as many problems as he was and a house full of teenagers in rumspringa, Mariana knew Gertie had already more than she could handle.
“I’m so glad to be here.” Of course it would be better to be outside, but even the change in room was a blessing to Mariana. She hoped that if she could take it easy today, make it through this without getting herself overtired or making her blood pressure rise too much, she might be able to make short trips to town. How wonderful would it be to go into Wells Landing and grab a piece of pie and a cup of coffee at Kauffman’s. Oh, the things a person took for granted when all was right in the world.
“Did I see you come in with Reuben Weisel?” Gertie asked.
“Yes, he’s been a great help to me since Leroy passed.”
Gertie nodded, but Mariana noticed that her eyes were guarded. “That’s good. That’s good.”
The tone of her voice alone was enough to let Mariana know that Gertie Miller, for whatever reason, did not approve of her being seen out with Reuben Weisel. Mariana supposed it was because it had only been a couple of months since Leroy had died, but there was no way that Gertie could know the tragedy that Mariana had suffered at Leroy’s hands. However unintentional, the hurt still remained. And the fact that she was now alone and pregnant and unable to care for herself played a big part in the decisions she made.
She wanted to tell Gertie that Reuben had asked her to marry him and she was going to do so, but she bit her tongue and smiled. Some people she was friends with because she loved them and they loved her in return, and other people she had to be friends with because she had to be friends with them. For Mariana, Gertie Miller was one of this last group of people. Oh, she seemed nice enough, and Mariana supposed that she was. But their personalities were different and they seemed to clash whenever they were in the same room. Mariana had hoped now that Leroy was gone it would be different. Wishful thinking at its finest.
“Thank you for getting me a chair out today and the pillows too.”
“Yes,” Gertie said. It was apparent to Mariana that extra cushions were not on Gertie’s list of top priorities for a church service.
“Well, I must go now. Lots of things to do to finish up.”
Mariana nodded and murmured something that must’ve passed as a farewell, for Gertie moved away, leaving her thankfully alone. But not for long.
James Riehl came in, his sunglasses firmly in place. He had started wearing them a year so ago to help block out the sunlight and help him focus. With his traumatic head injury, it was hard for him to tolerate bright lights and loud noises. But after witnessing his grin, Mariana thought that perhaps he just liked wearing the glasses.
He sat down next to her, though he perched on the edge of his seat. She knew in a few moments, before church started, he would move to the opposite side, where chairs had been lined up behind where the men sat.
“It’s good to see you here, Mariana Miller,” he said. His eyes skimmed over her dress and she hoped that he remembered she was in mourning. He gave a small nod. “It’s good to be at church, jah?”
Mariana smiled. “It is.”
“I like church,” James said. “Except for the shirt.” He plucked at his white shirt, so crisp and clean underneath his black vest. “I don’t see why we can’t wear purple.”
Mariana did her best to stop her smile. She wouldn’t want James to think that she was laughing at him. But since his head injury, he had become obsessed with the color purple and wondered why everyone didn’t wear it every day. She’d seen him in town and he was always wearing some shade of the royal color. In fact, other than church when he had to wear white, she didn’t think she’d seen him in anything else.
“I suppose they feel white is purer,” Mariana suggested.
James seemed to think about it a moment. “I guess. But purple sure is prettier.”
Maria
na smiled, so glad that she got to come out today. “That it is, James. That it is.”
He moved away as everyone began to file in from outside. First the men came in and seated themselves, followed by the women, who took to the opposite side. Mariana couldn’t help but watch for Reuben to come in. The men looked so handsome in their church attire. And she wondered what Reuben would look like with a beard. He would start growing one just after they got married. Her heart gave a funny pound in her chest. She was really going to do this. She was getting married again, and as much as she wanted to pretend that it was just to take care of the babies . . . Well, that’s what it was, just pretending.
As if sensing her gaze on him, he turned, his green eyes catching hers. He gave a small smile and turned back to face the preacher.
Mariana’s breath caught in her chest. Yes, it was just pretending. She had done the unthinkable. She had fallen in love with Reuben Weisel. The thought nearly took her breath away. How had this happened? She had buried her husband only a few weeks before. But that wasn’t entirely true, she thought as she continued to stare at Reuben’s profile. She had said good-bye to Leroy months ago, sitting in a doctor’s office with a bleak prognosis. An inoperable tumor that would take away his self, his memory, and eventually his life.
His cancer was such that it’d been hard to find, even harder to diagnose, and by the time they knew what treatment was needed, it was too late. Not that she suspected Leroy would have done anything differently. He was that kind of man, willing to accept God’s will for what it was. That was how she knew that he would not go in for any treatment, he would not fight it. He had something wrong with his brain, and that something had to be part of God’s will. So she had said her good-byes to him long before he had become something different, long before he turned into someone she didn’t recognize.
She dragged her gaze from Reuben only to have it clash with that of Gertie Miller. Her sister-in-law’s eyes narrowed as she traced the line of Mariana’s stare. Gertie couldn’t understand. She couldn’t know everything that Mariana had gone through. She didn’t know what it was like to have to deal with the loss of a spouse, the loss of love, and the loss of a best friend.
Mariana looked away. Reuben had asked her to marry him, and that was all there was to it. And with the bishop’s permission they would get married while Mariana was still in mourning. It was a unique situation. They had babies to take care of, and she needed Reuben so much more than he claimed he needed her. She could only pray that he never found anyone else he truly loved. Not that she doubted that he loved her. She felt more that he loved the idea of her, the idea of having something similar to what she and Leroy once had. She just prayed that she could give him that and more. It might take a while, but eventually perhaps their marriage could be real, a loving and caring partnership as they raised children and grew old together.
She wasn’t under the impression that she was young enough to have any more children. The babies she carried now were a gift that she hadn’t expected. It would probably be best for her not to get pregnant again, but that didn’t mean they couldn’t enjoy the babies that they would share now. But as she pulled her gaze from Gertie’s disapproving one, she knew not everybody in Wells Landing would be happy concerning their decision.
Chapter Seven
Somehow Mariana talked Reuben into letting her stay at least through the meal. She wouldn’t serve the meal, and simply rested with the other infirm and elderly. But she wanted to stay out as much as possible. She knew Reuben had wanted to agree, otherwise he wouldn’t have given in to her pleas for normalcy.
She supposed she was worried that it wouldn’t be long before she was right back where she was last week, completely confined to the bed once again without a once-a-week outing to break it up. She wanted this to last as long as possible.
“Did I see you arrive with Reuben Weisel?” Linda Miller Stoltzfoos came up to her from behind.
“Jah,” Mariana said before she could think the answer through. Linda was sister to Leroy and Jonah’s dad, Eli. Unfortunately, Linda had about as much approval for Mariana as Gertie did. She wasn’t sure what she had done to earn these women’s scorn, but it was there all the same. Oh, they were nice enough to her on the outside, but she was constantly left out of sister days and other such activities, and she had been for years. Once Leroy got sick, their excuses not to invite her became valid and inarguable. Not that she cared. She would rather hang around the quilting circle gang than anyone else. They might all be part of the same community, but that didn’t mean they all needed to be friends.
“Interesting,” Linda said. “Seeing as how Leroy has only been gone a short time.”
“Leroy’s been gone a lot longer than that,” Mariana said. She wanted to continue with, “If you had visited more, then you would realize that.” But she managed to keep those words out of her mouth.
“Jah, well, I just think it’s odd for you to be taking up with a man when you’re pregnant.” Linda’s pale blue eyes flashed with something that Mariana didn’t recognize. “You are pregnant? Right?”
Of all the things to be worried about. “I am. The babies are due in September.”
“I’m still not sure how my brother could father a child in his condition.”
Mariana stiffened her spine and her resolve. She would never win with this woman, and she should never try. “A lot of times when people are terminally ill, they have a stretch of really good days. The doctor told us it’s like God giving them a second chance to say good-bye and love all things they love. To enjoy life for just a little bit longer. Leroy had one of those times. And that’s all I’m willing to say about it.”
Linda nodded, but Mariana could see the disbelief in her gaze. Let them think what they want.
“Well, it seems I’m the biggest sensation today, even over Titus Lambert coming back to town, jah?”
“Titus doesn’t concern me as much as you do. Those are my brother’s children you are carrying. Or some say.”
“Linda!” Verna Yutzy picked that time to come up behind the woman.
Linda whirled around to face the older woman. Verna might be little, but she packed an awful lot of power and gumption in her small frame. “You need to keep your ugly thoughts to yourself. I don’t want to have to say something to the bishop.”
Linda’s gaze scraped over Mariana, then landed on Verna. “I’m sorry if I offended anyone.”
Mariana seriously questioned the sincerity of her words.
Without a good-bye, Linda turned on one heel and sauntered away.
“Thank you,” Mariana said, looping one arm through Verna’s.
Verna shook her head. “That woman. She’s just jealous, you know. Since she could never have kids either.”
Mariana had forgotten about that. Linda had been in the childless couple buddy bunch with Mariana and Eileen. Now Eileen was adopting and Mariana was pregnant. That left only three members to that group. And it seemed as if it was getting the better of Linda Stoltzfoos.
“Oh well,” Mariana said. “I guess there goes my invitation to the family reunion.”
Verna smiled. “You’re welcome at mine any time.”
* * *
“Are you sure this is a good idea?” Mariana asked as they drove home from church. Her weeks of being inactive had left her a little weak. She was tired and so ready to be back at home, though she had enjoyed her time out.
“I told you we shouldn’t have gone,” Reuben said. He cast a concerned look in her direction.
“That’s not what I’m talking about,” Mariana said. “Are you sure it’s a good idea for the two of us to get married?”
He frowned. “Why would I think otherwise?”
“It just seems like some people are less than enthusiastic about the idea.”
Reuben gave her another look and pulled the horse and buggy into the nearest turnoff. It led to an Englisch man’s house. Mariana wasn’t exactly sure who lived there, though she thought he owned
some type of sporting goods store just this side of Taylor Creek.
Reuben set the brake and turned to face her. “You can’t let those people get to you. This is your life, your babies, and I want to do everything in my power to help you. There’s nothing wrong with that.”
“I know, but it just seems like—”
Reuben placed a hand on either side of her face, holding her gaze steady as he looked into her eyes. “I don’t care what anyone else says. I don’t care what anyone else thinks. I just know that I care for you. I love you, and I want nothing more than to help you raise these children. I think Leroy would be okay with that. Don’t you?”
Mariana stared into his soft green eyes, absorbing his words like a balm to her soul. He cared about her. He loved her. She wasn’t in this alone. She had felt so abandoned, being pregnant and burying Leroy. But Reuben had given her a new hope and a new start, a new chance, a new life after the one she had with Leroy had been destroyed. Was it wrong to want that?
“No,” Reuben answered.
Had she asked the question out loud?
“Mariana . . . I’m going to kiss you now.” He said the words softly and slowly, as if he was giving her time to change her mind. Time for her to tell him no. But Mariana could do neither.
“Okay,” she said. Her gaze still locked with his, their eyes steady. A breath of anticipation hung suspended between them as he moved slowly toward her. Did she need time to change her mind? Should she change her mind? No. She was marrying this man, and one day they would pledge their lives to each other. Just like all the other promises that she had made once upon a time to another. These vows would be different. Somehow she just knew.
Mariana’s eyes fluttered shut as Reuben’s breath brushed across her lips. Then his mouth touched hers, softly, gently, sweetly.
His lips were warm and coaxing. It only took an instant for her to realize that she had never kissed anyone but Leroy Miller. And even then it had been nothing like this. Any doubts she had melted, her concerns evaporated, and all that was left was the honesty and truth of their decision.
