by Amy Lillard
She pushed to her feet. She was going home. Back to Clarita. Back to her family who loved her and cared for her.
And her goats? As sad as she would be to see them go, she knew this was about more than goats. This was about two people who should have never gotten married to begin with.
Mind made up, she walked over to the cookie jar and extracted the money. With any luck she would have enough to get a driver to take her home.
Chapter Four
The tears started halfway between her house and Obie Brenneman’s. They ran down her face without so much as a sob or a hiccup. Tess supposed it was because she was more mad than sad. She was hurt and felt wronged. She wiped them away with the back of her hand and kept going.
The bag she had packed was beginning to get heavy. She hadn’t taken all of her things, just essentials. She could send for the rest later. She had to get away and fast, before she lost her nerve, before Jacob came home and talked her out of it.
As much as she hated it, this was the only solution she could see. He was never going to change. And she needed him to.
She was tired of looking at all of her friends and their wonderful husbands and boyfriends. Caroline Fitch, Emily Riehl, Sadie Kauffman, and Abbie King, even Lorie Kauffman. She might live with the English now, but Tess could see how much she loved her new husband and how much he cared for her. Was it too much to ask to want a little of that romantic, undying love?
She dashed back a few more tears and moved farther onto the side of the road as a car whizzed past. Jacob had been loving and kind when they were dating. Of course, things had been different then. They had all lived in Clarita and her parents were right next door. But when his parents had decided to come to Wells Landing, Jacob had wanted to remain close and chose to move as well. Tess hadn’t bothered to point out to him that if they moved he might be closer to his parents, but she would be farther away from hers. She hadn’t said anything because they were looking for farmland and Wells Landing seemed to have more of it available than Clarita had. At the time. Apparently they weren’t the only ones looking for land, and the demand outweighed the supply. They had moved but weren’t able to afford the house and land they had both dreamed of. Now they rented a house and scraped and saved every penny in order to be able to afford a house with property as soon as possible.
Now it was all for naught. She was going home tomorrow. Or as soon as she could get a driver.
A few cars passed her as she walked, but thankfully no one on a tractor. She wasn’t sure how she could explain her actions to another church member. She didn’t know how she was going to tell Clara Rose and Obie, but she would think of something.
Their mailbox came into view before she had the words formed in her mind, but she trudged down the lane toward her friend’s house. How ironic. She had just been less than a quarter of a mile down the road for the quilting circle meeting only an hour or so before. Now she was back again, but not for the same reason.
“Tess?” Clara Rose must have seen her through the window. Her friend rushed out onto the porch, greeting her before she could make it halfway across the yard.
“I—” She had no words.
Clara Rose’s eyes flicked to her suitcase, then back, snagging her gaze with soulful eyes. “I think you’d better come on in the house.”
Neither one said a word as they made their way up the porch steps and inside. Once upon a time the house had belonged to all of the Brennemans, but once Clara Rose and Obie got married they took it over. They bought a double-wide and placed it behind the main house, the perfect Oklahoma dawdi house. Now Paul and Obie’s two brothers who still lived in Oklahoma were living in their new trailer.
“Where’s Obie?”
Clara Rose led her into the living room. “He’s out in the barn. He has some new puppies. Just born last night.”
More babies. Never mind that they were dogs. She wondered how proud and happy the mama dog was. “I’m going back home.”
Clara Rose frowned. “But you just got here.”
Tess shook her head. “I’m going home. Back to Clarita. Tomorrow. But I need a place to stay until then.”
Clara Rose’s frown deepened as she mulled over everything that Tess had just said. She took so long that Tess was afraid that she would just tell her no without hearing what she had to say.
But what did she have to say? That she didn’t think her marriage would work? That she had made a mistake? That she missed her family, and if Jacob didn’t appreciate her she was going back where she knew people who would?
How could Clara Rose understand any of that? She had the perfect marriage. She was having a baby. She had a wonderful house, land to farm, everything that Tess herself didn’t have.
“I-I’ll have to talk to Obie.” Clara Rose stood and smoothed her hands down the front of her dress. She sucked in a deep breath as if she was having as much trouble as Tess in deciding what was next.
“Rosie?” Obie’s voice floated to them from the back of the house.
“In here,” Clara Rose called in return.
“I thought I heard someone.” He smiled at Tess. “How are you?” he asked, then his eyes widened as he took in her tearstained face. At least, that was what Tess thought he was looking at.
She wiped at her cheeks, feeling new moisture. She had thought she had stopped crying. Apparently her eyes had other plans.
“Obie,” Clara Rose started, “can I, uh, talk to you for a minute? Alone. In the kitchen.” She all but took him by the arm and bustled him from the room.
Tess sank back into the couch cushions, the weight of the world pressing down on her. She knew that Clara Rose was talking to Obie about her wanting to stay. How could Clara Rose tell him what was going on when Tess hadn’t had a chance to even tell her?
She pushed to her feet and followed the path they had taken until she was standing outside the full swinging door that led to their kitchen. One hand placed to push her way inside, Tess stopped.
“I don’t know, Rosie.”
“Please.”
“It’s a lot to ask.”
“Do it for me?”
What were they talking about?
“Why do you think me talking to Jacob will help?”
Talk to Jacob? About what?
“I don’t know. I think they are having problems. Why else would she come here saying she’s going home?”
Obie heaved a huge sigh, one large enough to be heard through the kitchen door. “Fine. If you think it will help.”
“I do.” Clara Rose’s voice rose on the end. Tess could almost imagine her leaning up on her tiptoes and giving her husband a quick kiss on the cheek. When was the last time she had kissed Jacob like that? For no other reason than she wanted to? It had been a long time. Perhaps even before they had moved to Wells Landing.
But another thought crashed through her head. Jacob didn’t know she was gone. She hadn’t left a note or anything stating her intentions. She hadn’t thought about letting him know where she was going or why. He could figure that out on his own. Maybe then he would understand where she was coming from.
Or maybe not.
Suddenly remembering that she was eavesdropping, Tess hustled back to the couch and sat down just in time for Clara Rose to come through the door.
“Well, now.” She came back over to where Tess sat and perched on the sofa next to her. “Would you like to talk about this?”
Obie never came through the door, and Tess supposed that there were two ways into the kitchen. A tractor started outside and she knew that was Obie heading over to her house.
“I can’t do it anymore,” Tess said. It was the truth, but only part of it. Tess couldn’t tell her friend that she wanted what she had. What they all had. Emily, Mariana, Caroline, Sadie. They all had men who loved them. Truly loved them. “Jacob doesn’t love me any longer.”
Clara Rose shook her head. “He said this to you?”
“Well, no. But he doesn’t have to. I can tell.
Things have gotten worse since we moved here. Every day. He gets up and goes to work. He comes home late and plays on his phone. He doesn’t want to do anything with me, saying he’s too tired.”
“He works hard, Tess.”
“Every day?” Her tears started again welling up in her eyes and spilling down her cheeks. “I know it’s wrong, and I’ve prayed about it.”
“What did God tell you to do?”
“He never answered me.” Tess sniffed.
“Maybe He did.”
“How?”
“By not answering.”
Tess shook her head. That philosophy was more than she could comprehend right now. Not with her heart breaking.
She had left her husband. She had run on some internal unknown energy when she left and all the way here. But now that she was facing the truth of the matter, she was scared.
Her hands trembled and her insides quaked. “Clara Rose . . . what am I going to do?”
Her friend took her hand, squeezing her fingers with an understanding that only friends have. “You could go back.”
Tess shook her head. Her prayer kapp strings tickled her neck and sent shivers down her spine. The sensation was ominous. “I can’t go back.”
“Just because you argued—”
“It was more than an argument. He wants to get rid of my goats and we’re never going to get out of that house. We’re never going to have a baby.”
Clara Rose sat back a bit. “Well, that certainly can’t happen if you’re here and he’s there.”
“Will you be serious?”
“I am.”
“My goats. He said that if he couldn’t sell them, he was going to give them away.”
“I can’t say that’s the nicest thing I’ve ever heard him say, but Jacob is a reasonable man.”
“He’s not,” Tess protested. “Not since . . . well, not in a long time.” Since they moved here. Since he took the job with the English company. Since he got the cell phone.
But the worst part of all was she looked at her friends’ marriages and she wanted a piece of that for herself. She hadn’t been happy in so long she had almost forgotten what it felt like. And today was the last straw. Her goats were the only thing she had left, and if he took them away...
“If you move, he’ll for sure sell your goats.”
Tess shrugged as if it were no matter. But the words made her stomach hurt. “I’ll just get new ones.”
Clara Rose patted her hand encouragingly. “Don’t let your pride get in the way of your marriage.”
Pride wasn’t her sin. It was jealousy, but she couldn’t tell Clara Rose that. She had prayed and prayed for relief from the feelings but they always remained, hovering just below the surface, ready to rise up and take control of her every thought and emotion. But even as much as she knew the jealousy went against everything she had been taught her entire life, it was there all the same.
She wondered what Jacob was doing. What he was going to eat for supper and if he was really going to sell her goats. She hoped not. Or maybe by leaving she would shake him up and make him see that he needed to do more for her. Quit playing Internet games and working so hard. Was it too much to ask for him to play cards with her every once in a while? Or even just sit and talk. Share his day. She didn’t think so.
But she couldn’t ask him to play with her now. She had made her move and there was no backing out. She had taken that first step; she wasn’t going back again. Not without Jacob promising that there would be some changes. And since she was headed home tomorrow, the chances of that were slim to none.
She had to keep her focus, remember what she wanted from her life. And it surely wasn’t a husband who ignored her and sold her goats. She wanted love and respect.
“So can I stay?”
Clara Rose hesitated just slightly then gave a small nod. “Obie and I talked and we think you should stay here tonight.” Her words hung expectantly in the air, as if more should follow but she wasn’t ready to say them yet.
“Oh, danki.” Tess hugged her friend close, so relieved. She would have a place to stay tonight. Then tomorrow she would find someone to take her over to Clarita. She had come this far. There was no turning back now.
* * *
Obie returned an hour or so later. He came into the house only long enough to tell Clara Rose and Tess that he had returned, then he went back to the barn and his newborn puppies.
Clara Rose kept the conversation light as she and Tess worked side by side cooking supper. Tess was thankful, though she really wanted to know what Clara Rose thought about Obie’s visit with Jacob.
Instead she let the conversation flow naturally from one mundane subject to the other. What the pattern might be for the next quilt the quilting circle would make to donate to the Clarita School Auction.
She would be home in time for the auction this year. She hadn’t been able to attend the last two years. Jacob’s schedule had been increasingly hectic this time of year and he hadn’t been able to get the time off work. That only added fuel to her dissatisfaction. Why couldn’t he take time off? He wasn’t the only employee there. And he deserved a vacation from time to time. The only answer she had was that he hadn’t really wanted to go back. He had family members still living in the area, but not immediate ones. Just a few cousins and an aunt and uncle or two. His parents had moved to Wells Landing around the same time they had. It wasn’t like he had to travel miles and miles to see his mamm and dat.
The more she thought about it, the madder she got. She was practically fuming inside by the time Clara Rose turned off the burner under the potatoes.
“Can you set the table while I wait on the bread?”
Tess nodded as Obie came in through the back door. The two of them, Obie and Clara Rose, shared a look so loving that flames of jealousy seared through Tess. Obie gazed at Clara Rose as if she was the moon and the sun all rolled into one. Tess couldn’t even get Jacob to take her home to see her mother and father.
She snatched up the stack of plates and stormed from the room, giving the happy couple the privacy they deserved.
The first plate hit the tabletop with a resounding thud. Tess took a deep breath. She might be upset with Jacob, but she didn’t have the right to take her anger out on someone else’s dinnerware. Emotions in check, she placed the plates on the mats and started for the kitchen and the silverware they would need.
“How’d it go?” Clara Rose’s voice stopped Tess in her tracks. She would surely have to pray extra hard for forgiveness tonight. After all, the day wasn’t over and she had already listened in on two conversations.
Then again, if the conversations were about her, why shouldn’t she know what was being said?
“Fine, I guess.” It sounded like Obie was eating something as he spoke, most probably a slice of the cucumber Clara Rose had just cut. She had told Tess earlier that cucumbers were Obie’s favorite.
And what is Jacob’s?
She pushed that thought aside as Obie continued. “I mean, he doesn’t know why she left or what’s wrong with her. He didn’t even know that she had left. He went back to work and when he came home she was gone.”
“He went back to work after they had argued? Jacob said he was going to sell her goats.”
“Jah. He mentioned that to me. I got the impression that the neighbors have been complaining about the smell and the fact that they tend to get out a lot.”
A fact that could be remedied if Jacob would take the time to build her a decent pen. She might not have many goats, but they deserved a good place to live. How many times had she asked him to do that for her?
Well, she hadn’t exactly asked him outright. But that was because he was never at home these days.
“I’m sure it’ll blow over by tomorrow,” Clara Rose said.
Obie made a grunting sound that might have been in agreement or it might not have been. To Tess it wasn’t a positive sound, as if Obie didn’t think it was going to blow over any more tha
n she did.
Tess took that opportunity to push her way back into the kitchen. They both started as if caught in the act of doing something they weren’t supposed to be doing. If Tess hadn’t already known that they were talking about her, their guilty expressions would have tipped her off right away.
“Silverware?” she asked. “Napkins?”
Clara Rose moved to grab them off the island countertop and thrust them at Tess. “Here you go.”
Feeling somewhat dismissed, Tess hustled back into the dining room and started placing one at each seat. She would try not to listen in. She shouldn’t have done so already. But that damage was done. From here on out she would do her best not to eavesdrop. Even if those who were talking, were talking about her.
Chapter Five
“Did you want to lay out any clothes for tomorrow?” Clara Rose asked.
They were standing in the Brenneman spare bedroom. Already, it was starting to show signs of change. Signs that a baby was coming. Furniture had been pushed to the side, the closet had been emptied and boxes stacked on chairs. Clara Rose had told her that she was moving the baby into the sewing room downstairs, which was the room next to the master bedroom, and then this room would become the sewing room. To Tess it seemed like an awful lot of shifting, but she was certain it would all be worth it when Clara Rose held her baby in her arms.
“I guess so. I mean, I’m just going back to Clarita.”
“Well, you should always look your best, jah?” Her voice was overbright and Tess noticed her gaze darted around the room, never settling and never meeting her eyes. It seemed as if Clara Rose was hiding something. Or perhaps something was up and she wasn’t ready to tell Tess about it. Or maybe she was just uncomfortable knowing that Tess was leaving Jacob and she wasn’t coming back.
