by Amy Lillard
Tess grabbed a dress from her bag and hung it in the near-empty closet. It looked forlorn just hanging there with nothing else around. And it was her favorite dress. A beautiful green like fresh-cut limes. Her mother said the color made her brown eyes take on a golden glow. Tess worried it just made her freckles stand out a little bit more. Still, she loved the dress, which was a little on the fancy side, as she had stitched a row of hearts around the sleeves. She had done the work by hand and had wondered at the time how Verna Yutzy made such tiny stitches when she quilted. She assumed it had a lot to do with age and practice. One day Tess hoped to make those pretty stitches like the eldest member of the quilting circle.
“What about your apron?” Clara Rose asked.
Tess gave a quick shrug. “I guess I’ll just wear this one.”
Clara Rose’s eyes widened. “You can’t wear that. It’s got stuff all over it.”
Tess looked down at herself. Somehow in helping Clara Rose with supper, she had managed to pick up a few extra stains. She gave a small shrug. “I’ll spot-wash it tonight.”
“Do you have another?”
“I’m sure it’s fine.”
“We should always look our best.”
“I’m just going home.”
“Jah.”
But something in her tone made Tess wonder if Clara Rose knew something she didn’t.
* * *
Bright morning sun worked its way under the shades covering the windows to shine directly in Tess’s eyes. Perhaps it was God’s way of telling her that it was time to get out of bed. But she hadn’t slept much the night before. She’d tossed and turned to the early hours of the morning, finally drifting off to sleep just before dawn.
She should be content with her decision to go back to Clarita and her family, but all she could think about was Jacob.
They had loved each other, of that much she was certain. So what had happened?
She had done everything in her power to bring that Jacob back. She had tried to get him to go on dates like they had when they were courting. She had connected with their old youth group in Clarita and set up a reunion, but he had refused to attend. She had even asked him to go to marriage enrichment classes, but he had claimed to be too busy at work. She hadn’t brought it up again.
The old Jacob was lost to her.
A light rap sounded on her door. “Tess?”
“Jah?” She pushed herself up in bed. There would be no more sleep for her. Not that she would have been able to stay in bed much longer. The day was wasting. She had to find a driver and get back home.
Clara Rose nudged the door open and eased inside. “Breakfast is ready.”
Tess’s stomach growled in response. She hadn’t eaten much the night before and it was catching up with her. “Danki. I’ll be right down.”
Clara Rose hovered by the door, her expression expectant. “Do you want some help with your hair?”
Tess shook her head. “I can manage.” Just as she had done for years.
“Jah. Okay then. See you downstairs.” Then Clara Rose was gone.
Tess pushed out of bed and padded across the hall to the bathroom. Clara Rose and Obie’s bedroom was downstairs, so she had no fear of running into him while she was still wearing her nightclothes.
Once she had taken care of her morning necessities, she made her way back into the spare room to get dressed.
Half an hour later she made her way into the Brennemans’ kitchen.
Clara Rose seemed almost relieved to see her. “Have a seat and help yourself,” she said. “Everyone else has already eaten.”
“Everyone else?”
Clara Rose turned bright pink. “I mean Obie. Do you want an egg?”
Tess shook her head and slid into one of the chairs there at the kitchen table. Her appetite was suddenly gone, but she knew she should eat. She had a big day ahead of her and she didn’t need a headache from lack of food.
She buttered a biscuit and added a piece of sausage to make a small breakfast sandwich. With any luck she would be able to eat it all. That would at least get her home.
“I’ve got coffee brewed if you want some.” Clara Rose lifted the pot.
Tess shook her head. “But danki.”
“Well, it’s here if you change your mind.” She set the pot back on the burner, then wiped her hand on a dish towel. “I guess I’ll go hang the laundry out.”
She bustled out of the room, leaving Tess to wonder what her hurry was. It was barely eight o’clock, and she had already made breakfast and run a load of clothes through the washer.
“Hello, Tess.”
She whirled around in her seat. Jacob stood in the doorway.
She wasn’t sure but she thought he might be more handsome today than he was yesterday. She hardened her heart against him. She couldn’t let him get the better of her today. She had made up her mind. And she was sticking to her plan.
“Go home, Jacob.”
“I will. Once you say you’re going home with me.”
She searched his tone for any signs of sincerity, but could find none. He merely wanted her to come back home. “I’m going back to Clarita,” she said and turned back to face the front. She managed to take another bite of her biscuit sandwich, though it had lost all its flavor.
He nodded. “That’s what Obie said. But it’s time to come back home.”
“No.” Not until he realized that their marriage was in trouble, that they needed to work on it. That he needed to get rid of his phone and pay more attention to what really mattered.
He shifted in place, then exhaled. She could almost feel his frustration.
Well, fine. She was frustrated too.
“Tess, now is not the time to be difficult.”
“Difficult? You think I’m being difficult?” How blind could one man be? “You said you were selling my goats.”
“Jah.” He nodded as if everything was normal. “They are more trouble than they’re worth.”
“But they are mine.”
“You don’t need them.”
She wanted to yell her frustration to the ceiling, but she had been raised better than that. “I use their milk for cheese and soap. For lotion and all sorts of things.”
“I’m well aware of all your hobbies.”
“Hobbies?” She could hardly believe her ears. Did he not know how hard she worked with the goats and making the products? And she still managed to quilt for the needy, have supper on the table each night, and her house ran like a clock. There were no hobbies to be found. “I’m saving that money to help with the house fund.”
He crossed his arms. “I believe you’ve mentioned that before.”
“I’m surprised you remember.” She felt out of control, as if someone else had taken charge of her mind, thoughts, and body, leaving her a spectator to her own actions. She crossed her arms and pressed her lips together. She was angry, unhappy, unsatisfied with the way things had turned out, and she wasn’t backing down. She had come this far.
“Get your things and tell Clara Rose good-bye.”
“No.” Her chin rose to a stubborn angle. “If you are selling my goats, I am going back to Clarita.”
Something unidentifiable flashed through his eyes like the flames of an out-of-control bonfire. But as quickly as it came, it disappeared again. A muscle in his jaw twitched, but otherwise he made no other move. Then finally, finally he gave a stern nod. “If that is how it’s going to be.”
Somehow she managed to raise her chin another notch higher and still maintained eye contact. “It is.”
“So be it.”
His footsteps boomed like the reverberating sound of a gong. One, two, three, and he was gone.
Tess sank back into the chair behind her and kept her chin up and her tears at bay until she heard his tractor start. It seemed to take forever before she heard the sound. He was leaving. Her heart tripped over itself in her chest. Leaving.
She didn’t care, she told herself. But she felt
as if with the slightest touch she would break into a million pieces that could never be put back together again. How had it come to this? Where had the love gone? The dedication? The promises and vows to work together through any problems that could arise?
“Tess?”
She nodded at the sound of Clara Rose’s concerned voice.
“I guess that didn’t go as planned.”
Tess burst into tears.
* * *
What happened to the sweet, mild-mannered Amish woman he had married?
Jacob wiped the sweat from his brow and adjusted his hat a little lower on his forehead. He knew he was scowling, and there was nothing he could do about it. Seemed like he spent most of his time these days frowning about one thing or another. And the last thing he needed was Tess losing her good sense over a bunch of mangy goats.
Okay, so they weren’t actually mangy, but he hated the creatures. They bleated all day long on the weekends and got out during the week, most always when she was off doing something with her friends.
At least she had the time to make friends. He had barely gotten to know anyone in the church district, having only the hour or so after church every other week to cultivate those relationships.
“Jacob?” Obie Brenneman came out of the barn, a concerned frown on his face. At least his wasn’t angry.
“I’m sorry, Obie.” He wished he could say more, but the words seemed blocked behind the lump in his throat.
“There’s no need for you to apologize.”
Jacob stopped halfway to his tractor and allowed Obie to come up next to him. “I don’t know what to say. She’s not coming home.” He shook his head. “She says she’s going back to Clarita.”
Obie shook his head. “Clara Rose and I have already talked about that. We’re going to do everything in our power to keep her here until whatever this is blows over.”
“Danki.” It was all Jacob could manage in response. He didn’t know what bee had gotten into Tess’s bonnet. Though she had been acting strange lately, not at all like herself.
He appreciated Obie’s help, but how would they know if things were back to normal if they didn’t know what was bothering her? He surely wasn’t going to ask.
“I don’t want her to be a bother to you.” He and Tess had been married for going on three years, but Obie and Clara Rose had been married less than a year. And most of that had been spent getting their house ready and living with his father and brothers. He knew they needed their alone, married time and hated that something in his life was taking that away from them.
“She’s no bother. In fact, I think having Tess around might be good for Clara Rose. She’s used to a gaggle of females surrounding her, and she doesn’t get that much here on the farm.”
Jacob gazed out over the open land that constituted the Brenneman farm and had to tamp back his jealousy. One day . . . one day he would be able to quit work at the roofing company and farm for a living. He wanted to take seeds and dirt and with the good Lord’s help turn it into something more—tomatoes, wheat, soybeans. A living for him and Tess. But there never seemed to be enough money, or the property wasn’t available. He spent every spare moment he had scouring the county for property to farm. He wanted a goodly piece of land but was afraid that he might have to settle for something much smaller. A compromise he wasn’t willing to make just yet.
“Why don’t you come by for supper tonight?” Obie asked.
Jacob shook his head. “She’s not really talking to me much right now.” And he had no idea what to do about it. The elders would only let this go on for so long before they put a stop to it.
“She surely can’t talk to you if you’re not here.”
“Jah, I guess that’s true.”
“I know it is.”
Jacob nodded. “I will come, but only if I can bring food.”
“That sounds like a fine idea.” Obie smiled.
“Kauffman’s fried chicken okay?”
“I do believe you just read my mind.”
* * *
“Don’t you think I should go out and call the driver now?” It was well past midday and Tess was beginning to think that Clara Rose didn’t want her to leave.
“You can call him anytime.” Clara Rose waved a dismissive hand.
“Jah, but I don’t think anyone is going to want to drive me to Clarita and then turn around and drive back here in the dark.”
“Ach, it doesn’t get dark until way after nine. And I really need help getting these cucumbers in.” She straightened and stretched her back a little. Tess was sure it was full of kinks from bending over to search the prickly plants for cucumbers.
“If you’re sure.”
“I’m su—would you look at this one!” Clara Rose held up the biggest cucumber Tess had ever seen. “I’d better hide this or the men will think they can use it instead of a bat in their baseball games.”
Tess smiled at the exaggeration, realizing that it might actually be the first time she had smiled in days, maybe even weeks. “It’s a big one all right. But it probably won’t be fittin’ to eat.”
“I know,” Clara Rose exclaimed. “Let’s make pickle relish. I’ve got Mammi’s recipe. So good.”
Tess eyed the cucumber. “You’re going to need more than one.”
“I’m sure there’s another one in this mess.” She motioned toward the overgrown cucumber plants.
Just then Tess found another huge cucumber. Her mother had always told her that very large cucumbers tended to be bitter and full of seeds, but they would be perfect for pickle relish, and Jacob lov—
She reined in her thoughts. Jacob had come by and they had solved not even one of their problems. She wasn’t making pickle relish for him no matter how much he loved it.
“Say you’ll stay tomorrow and help me make relish.”
“I don’t know . . .” Tess started.
“Please.” Clara Rose did a little dance in place.
How could she say no? “Jah, okay.”
“Goodie!” Clara Rose gave her a quick hug. “And you can have some to take home for you and Jacob.”
She shook her head. “I don’t think we have a home.”
Clara Rose’s demeanor immediately sobered. “Don’t say that.”
“It’s true.” She wanted to ask how much of their earlier conversation her friend had overheard, but she couldn’t bring herself to rehash it all. Conversation . . . who was she trying to fool? It was an argument, plain and simple. Every time they tried to talk these days, they ended up arguing. She wasn’t sure how other couples managed to keep their relations together. What had shifted between her and Jacob? Clara Rose and Obie didn’t fight all the time. At least they hadn’t argued even once since she had been there.
“You and Jacob will work this out.” Clara Rose sounded much more confident than Tess felt. Her relationship with Jacob was like trying to hold on to a greased eel. It was slipping through her fingers no matter how hard she tried to keep ahold of it.
But what have you really tried?
She pushed the nagging thought away. She wasn’t to blame if Jacob was being completely unreasonable. They had loved each other once upon a time, but she had no idea how to get it back.
* * *
“Are you sure this is going to work?” Jacob shifted as Obie adjusted his suspender straps.
“No.” Obie laughed. “I barely got Clara Rose to consider me. I have no idea what I’m doing.”
Neither did Jacob, but at least Obie had plans that seemed like they might help. Straight down to instructing Jacob to bring flowers as well as supper.
He did as he was told, stopping by the small florist there on Main Street before hitting Kauffman’s. He had missed New Food Tuesday, the day Cora Ann Kauffman got to experiment with recipes and different foods, but that was okay. He was after fried chicken. Tess loved fried chicken. At least he thought she did. Hadn’t she told him that when they were dating? He couldn’t remember. Too much had happened betw
een then and now. A lot of living went into three or so years.
Obie’s puppies whined from the corner of one horse stall, but they were tiny things. They didn’t even have their eyes open yet. A few of the bigger pups had been romping around in the hay when he had arrived, but they stood now, waiting for the chance to jump if he happened to drop any of the food. He had to admit the chicken smelled delicious.
“Do you think she’ll like the flowers?” Jacob asked. He hated spending money on such frivolous things. He was doing his best to scrape up enough money to buy them a farm of their own. Flowers seemed like an unnecessary expense, but Obie said that was what he needed to do, so that was what he did.
“I think she’ll love the flowers.” He dusted imaginary specks from Jacob’s shoulders. “Are you ready to go in?”
Jacob took a deep breath. Was he? “Jah.” He had to be if he was going to fix the problems in his marriage. How had it come to this?
“Let’s go.”
Together he and Obie walked toward the house, the older puppies trotting alongside. His heart pounded in his chest and his palms began to sweat. He hadn’t been this nervous since he had first asked Tess if he could take her home from a singing.
Up the porch steps and into the house, his mouth was dry, his knees quaking.
“What are you doing here?”
He nearly dropped the sack containing their supper as Tess spied him from the other side of the dining room. She marched toward him, her jaw tight and shoulders stiff.
Obie nudged him in the side. “Flowers,” he whispered.
“I, uh . . . I brought you flowers?” Now, why did he make it sound like a question? He took a step forward, extending the blossoms toward her. They quaked with the trembling of his hand.
She eyed them as if they were a snake about to strike. Where was the trust? Where was the love? This was his wife, the one person in the world he thought he would be beside forever, and now he was having to court her all over again. The thought left a bad taste in his mouth.
Finally, she reached out and took them, raising them to her nose to see what scent they carried. “Danki.”
Did they smell good? He didn’t know. He hadn’t thought about that when he bought them. He hadn’t thought about anything. Did she like daisies? Why didn’t he know? And why hadn’t he noticed they were such bright colors? Were they even real colors? Or had they been altered by a clever florist?
