by Amy Lillard
Obie nudged him again.
“Oh, and supper. I brought us supper.”
Tess lowered the flowers and gave him one last look, then she turned back to Clara Rose. “When you said you were having a guest . . .”
Clara Rose gave a delicate shrug. “How are the two of you going to work through your problems if you’re not even together?”
Tess seemed to think about it a moment. “I’m calling the driver in the morning.”
So she was still planning on going back to Clarita.
“You don’t have to.”
Obie stood stock-still as Clara Rose bustled toward Tess.
“I could really use your help again tomorrow,” Clara Rose said. “There are a few more cucumbers to pickle, and the tomatoes need to be gathered and canned before they blister out there in this heat.”
Was Clara Rose dreaming up ways to keep Tess from leaving? Why hadn’t he thought of any of these things? He had been too busy working. Too busy earning a living. He didn’t have time to hold Tess’s hand every day— literally or figuratively. They had plans to see through. Couldn’t she see that?
“I should get home,” Tess protested.
She said the words and he started forward. Her home was with him. What there was of it for now. But soon . . .
Obie reached out with one hand and stopped Jacob in place. This was not turning out the way he had planned. At all.
“Let’s be reasonable here. Jacob has brought us a fine meal from town and we planned to sit down and eat it together. I can’t think of a valid reason why we shouldn’t follow through. Am I right? Then we can let tomorrow take care of itself.”
For a moment he thought Tess might protest, then she gave a stiff nod. “Jah, okay then.” But Jacob had the feeling she would rather sit down with a table full of lions than dine with him. Why? Hadn’t they eaten supper together just a few nights ago? Maybe not. How long had it been since he had eaten a meal with his wife?
In the mornings he grabbed a quick bite that he could eat on his tractor while he drove to the meeting place. Lunch was eaten at work, and at church he ate with the men. Still, there were plenty of times when he ate supper with Tess. But right now he couldn’t think of one.
Clara Rose smiled encouragingly and waved him on into the room. It was then he realized that he was standing as still as the statue in front of the Wells Landing library. His legs were stiff and his knees threatened to buckle with each step he took. But somehow he managed to make it to the table and deposit the bag there.
This was worse than courting. He had messed up with Tess, and he didn’t have a clue as to what he had done. Maybe her goats. But she had to see his reasoning eventually. They spent almost as much in food and lost wages as they made with her goat’s milk products. It was ridiculous to have them at all. And when they were gone, that was just one less stress for her to worry over.
“Tess, you sit here.” Clara Rose directed his wife to the place just opposite him. He could reach across the table and touch her hand. Why did that seem so intimate? He had sat across from her countless times. He knew it. But for some unknown reason he couldn’t remember the last time. Maybe that was why it felt familiar and brand-new all at the same time.
Clara Rose started unloading the sack and organizing the containers as Obie took his seat. Jacob tried not to stare as he watched Tess snap her napkin and place it in her lap. Really, she was the prettiest thing he had ever seen, dark brown hair and big brown eyes. She had on her green dress. He couldn’t say it was a favorite of his, but it made her freckles stand out all the more, and for some reason he found it utterly appealing.
“What?” She lifted her napkin and dabbed at her chin.
He had been staring. “Nothing.” He ducked his head and Clara Rose took her seat.
They bowed their heads for prayer.
He should have told her that she looked pretty. That he had forgotten just how pretty she was. But the moment was gone. If he said it now, then it would just be awkward. More awkward than it already was.
They raised their heads and Obie started passing around the food. Fried chicken, mashed potatoes, gravy, and green beans with enough biscuits on the side for them each to have a couple.
“So, Jacob,” Clara Rose started, “did you see Obie’s new puppies in the barn?”
How could he not? “Of course.” But he hadn’t really been thinking about puppies. He had been trying to figure out how he was going to get through tonight and reach wherever it was that his wife had gone off to.
But now he was thinking about Obie and the opportunities he had made for himself. Raising puppies. But that wasn’t all that he did. Like many other Amish men Obie had spread his talents about, creating a string of cottage industries in order to make ends meet. It was admirable, to say the least. Maybe when they got their property and he started to farm he could do something similar, maybe breed cats or something.
Or goats.
The thought came to him in a flash, but he pushed it away as soon as it arrived. Goats were not the answer.
“How are things in the roofing business?” Obie asked.
How were things? “Busy.” Oklahoma had suffered a rougher than usual spring. Strong winds, tornadoes, and various hailstorms had made for a heavier workload than normal. He had barely been able to keep up. The company was more concerned with getting the job done than the actual job itself. They produced quality work, but to Jacob it always felt rushed. What he wouldn’t give to be able to walk out and never look back. He didn’t mind the work. It was working for someone else and on someone else’s terms that didn’t set well with him.
“Busy is good, jah?” Obie asked.
Jacob glanced up and caught Tess’s gaze. She looked so sad that for a moment he wasn’t sure he could answer at all. He swallowed his bite of chicken and the lump in his throat. “Jah.”
* * *
Tess couldn’t tear her gaze from Jacob’s. His eyes were filled with such sadness. How had so much sorrow gotten there and what had she been doing as it happened?
Finally, Jacob looked away and Tess dropped her gaze to her plate. The look on his face was enough to make her stomach hurt. It surely wasn’t the food. Kauffman’s was always a fantastic meal. But tonight . . .
The conversation turned away from work and onto other topics: who they suspected was getting married in the fall, the latest baseball game after church, and what store might go in the empty space next to the post office.
They finished up supper and played a couple of hands of Uno, but Tess had trouble concentrating. All she could think about was Jacob.
“I win!” Obie threw his last card on top of the discard pile and sat back with a satisfied smile.
Jacob tossed his cards into the middle. “That’s it. Time for me to go home.”
“So soon?” Clara Rose asked.
It was almost nine and it was nearly dark. It would definitely be safer if he headed out now.
“Walk with me to my tractor?” Jacob stood and waited expectantly for her answer.
“Jah.”
Clara Rose and Obie shared a look as Tess rose from her chair. She got the feeling this was what the two of them had been waiting for all night.
Crickets chirped and night birds called as they stepped out onto the porch. The dusk held an expectant air and the wind was still, as if the world was holding its breath in anticipation.
“I had a good time tonight.” Jacob loped down the steps ahead of her, then extended his arm to steady her for her descent. It was such a gallant gesture it almost brought tears to her eyes. Why hadn’t she realized it before? They had lost sight of each other. Maybe it wasn’t as tragic as she had first thought. Maybe they could recover some of what they had lost.
She still wanted—no, needed—for things to be different, but this was definitely a step in the right direction. Tonight gave her hope.
They walked together toward his tractor and she noticed the closer they got, the slower their footsteps b
ecame. Was he thinking the same thing she was? That the night was special and she never wanted it to end?
But it had to end, and that frightened her for tomorrow. What if tonight was just a unique time and tomorrow everything went back to the way it was before? What then?
“What are you thinking?”
Jacob’s words startled her out of her thoughts. She couldn’t tell him what was really on her mind. “Nothing.”
He nodded, but she knew he didn’t believe her. At least he didn’t press. He stopped at the tractor and turned to face her. She dropped her hand from his arm and sucked in a breath as she waited for him to say something, anything.
“Well, good night, then.”
That was all? Maybe she was mistaken. Maybe nothing between them had changed. Why oh why had she thought otherwise? Because she had seen the look in his eyes. She knew that tonight was special. But maybe it was better to leave it alone. Especially if everything was going back to normal tomorrow.
“Good night.” She couldn’t keep the dejected tone from her words.
He stared at her and she was certain the world stopped turning. She stared back, waiting, watching.
Jacob raised one hand to the side of her face. The fingers were rough and familiar against her skin. He raised the other hand and cupped her cheeks in his palms. The night hung, suspended in that one moment. It seemed as if the entire evening had been leading up to this moment.
Tess closed her eyes, exhaled, and then his lips touched hers.
It was the sweetest kiss, like sweet strawberries in May, the touch of butterfly wings, and all good things rolled up into one.
Jacob’s lips on hers brought back memory after memory. Their first kiss, their wedding day, the very moment when she knew he was the one. What happened to those feelings? What happened to them?
He lifted his head and she was certain for a moment she felt the night wrap comforting arms around her.
“You don’t have to stay here tonight.” Jacob’s words were no more than a whisper. And she wasn’t certain if he had actually said them or if it was another part of her past memories.
She opened her eyes. He watched her, his expression intense.
“What?”
“You’ve proven your point.”
Tess shook her head. “I don’t understand.”
Jacob flashed her a grim smile. “Amish women are getting more and more independent. We all know that. So you’ve proven your point. But that doesn’t mean you have to stay here. You can come back home.”
She felt as if she had been doused with a bucket of ice water. The beauty of the night disappeared with his words. “What?” she asked just to be sure. She wanted to be wrong. She wanted to not have heard him correctly. But somehow she knew that she wasn’t wrong.
“You’ve made your point. Now come home.”
That was what she was afraid he had said. With a sad sigh, she took a step back. His arms dropped to his sides.
“What?” he asked.
“You just don’t get it.” She managed to make the words soft-spoken instead of the roar of frustration she felt bubbling inside her. Tonight had been so perfect. Well, almost. “This isn’t about making a play for independence. This is about me and you and our marriage.” She wanted to cry as she said the words, but she managed to keep her tears at bay. “I thought it meant more to you than this. I guess I was wrong.” She turned on her heel and started back to the house.
“But—”
She faltered a bit as he said the words, but she managed to keep walking without looking back.
“Tess,” he started, but she wouldn’t allow herself to turn around. This was too important. Too much was at stake. If she wanted a marriage like her friends had, she had to keep to her plan.
But she was never going to have that. Not with Jacob. Not with anyone, because Amish marriage was forever.
Jacob working all the time, him selling her goats, that was all she was ever going to have in life, and it wasn’t enough. No matter how much she loved him, she wanted more.
The tears started as he said her name again, but she didn’t turn around as she made her way up the porch steps and into the house.
* * *
“That was some kiss.”
Tess nearly jumped out of her skin as she entered the house. The living room seemed dark and quiet. Almost as dark as her thoughts, but not even close to the turmoil in her mind.
“Sorry.” Clara Rose stepped from the shadows.
“It’s okay.” Tess wiped the tears from her cheeks as discreetly as possible, but Clara Rose was too observant not to notice.
“After a kiss like that, why are you crying?”
The dam broke, and Tess was left without words. Her tears flowed, but she couldn’t tell her best friend what the problem was, not when her friend had everything that Tess herself wanted.
She sank down on the couch, savoring the warmth as Clara Rose eased down next to her and pulled her close.
Tess allowed her tears free rein, for a few minutes then caught herself. “Where’s Obie?”
Clara Rose rolled her eyes affectionately. “He’s in the barn with his puppies.” Which meant he wouldn’t come in on them. Still, Tess was tired of her shame being out there for the entire world to see.
She wiped her tears away and stood. “I’m going to bed.”
Clara Rose was on her feet in an instant. “Are you sure? We can talk about this—”
Tess shook her head. “No, danki. Good night.”
She could sense that Clara Rose wanted to protest, but her friend remained silent as Tess climbed the stairs to the bedroom where she had been sleeping. She needed to leave. Tomorrow. It was better that way.
She undressed and crawled beneath the covers, forgoing washing her face and brushing her teeth for the comfort of the bed.
Just before she had gotten married, her mother had given her all sorts of advice, but nothing came close to this. Her mother had never said this might not turn out the way she hoped, the way she planned and dreamed.
Her parents’ marriage was good enough, she supposed. Her mother seemed to not want for anything. Not that Tess had noticed anyway. At the time, everything had seemed the way it should be.
Just as it had when Tess and Jacob were courting. Everything had seemed fine, perfect even. But now . . .
When had the change come into their relationship?
Just after they were married.
And it had only increased when they moved to Wells Landing.
It was time to go home.
Chapter Six
“Tell me again what happened.”
Jacob shook his head. He didn’t think telling Obie again would help. He wasn’t even sure why he took the time off from work to come over here and talk to the man. “I told her that I understood. That I knew Amish women were trying to gain a little more independence. That she had proved her point and it was time to come back home.”
“And this was after you kissed her?”
“Jah.”
Obie whistled low through his teeth. “What made you think that was a good idea?”
Jacob frowned. “I thought that’s what women wanted. Someone who understood. I was trying to be understanding.”
Obie gave a small chuckle. “It seems to me all you did was make her madder.”
He couldn’t argue with that. “Where are the women now?”
“Clara Rose convinced Tess to ride into town with her and look for material for new dresses.”
Jacob nodded. That was a surefire way to get women into town. They loved looking at material. He knew Tess could stand for hours to pick out the right shade of blue. He didn’t pretend to understand it, but he acknowledged it as a fact. Surely that was something in his favor.
“I guess I better get going before she sees me here.”
“How are you guys going to be together if you avoid her?”
“I don’t know.” He didn’t have the faintest idea about anything these days
. One day his marriage was fine, solid and growing, and the next thing he knew his wife was storming out, determined to move back to her family in Clarita. More than anything, he wanted to get her home before church on Sunday. But it was certain it had already gone through the grapevine of rumors and gossip throughout the entire settlement in Wells Landing. Everyone would know by now that Tess was staying with Clara Rose and Obie. And if everyone knew, he was certain his parents knew as well. It wouldn’t be long before his dat came to talk to him and give him advice. He could well imagine what that would be. His father was a bit old-fashioned. He would tell Jacob to get his woman and bring her home. Even though Tess had sworn up and down that this had nothing to do with her play at independence, he knew that telling her to come back home now would only make her stay away longer.
“When did women get so complicated?” Jacob asked.
Obie clapped him on the shoulder in a gesture of sympathetic friendship. “Soon as you get married, that’s when everything changes.”
* * *
“All I’m saying is you shouldn’t be hasty.” Clara Rose cast a quick look over her right shoulder, snagging Tess’s gaze. All Tess wanted to do was go home. She hated this feeling of limbo, somewhere in between being married and going home. Plus, she didn’t want to put Obie and Clara Rose out any more than necessary.
“I’m not being hasty. I’m just trying to surround myself with people who support me.”
“And Jacob doesn’t support you?”
Her thoughts filled with Jacob’s threats to sell her goats, to give them away if he had to. She thought of the cell phone and the Facebook account. “No.” But as she said the word, she couldn’t help but think about how hard Jacob worked. He supported her in many ways, that she couldn’t deny. But it seemed as if he didn’t support her in the way she needed the most. “I don’t know how it got to this.”
“Just because we marry forever doesn’t mean we don’t have problems. It’s how we handle our problems that sets us apart.”
