by Amy Lillard
Tess let those words wash over her. She couldn’t say she’d handled the situation properly. The truth of the matter was she didn’t know how to handle it, and she didn’t feel like she could get through to Jacob these days. What happened to all those wonderful nights sitting on the porch talking, holding hands, and enjoying each other’s company for the sake of the company, nothing more? Why did things have to change when people got married?
“I asked him to go to marriage enrichment classes.” She hated how accusing her words sounded.
“One time?”
Clara Rose’s words made Tess feel lower than a snake’s belly. “I should ask him again?”
Clara Rose smiled. “If it were Obie, I would ask him and ask him until he agreed. If that’s what you think would solve or help these problems between you, that’s what you should do. Isn’t your marriage worth that much?”
Maybe she had given up too easily. Maybe she should ask him again. Maybe this time he would even say yes.
“Just do me one favor, okay?” Clara Rose asked.
“Okay.”
“Don’t go home yet. Stay with us as long as you need to. If you go back to Clarita now, Jacob will have a very hard time. He won’t be able to see you as often, and if you can’t see each other, how are you ever going to work your problems out?”
“What if the problems can’t be worked out?”
Clara Rose shot her a sympathetic smile. “If they can’t be worked out, then they can’t be worked out. But you have to be absolutely sure. Promise me?”
Tess swallowed hard and gave a quick nod. “Promise.”
* * *
When they got back to Clara Rose and Obie’s house, Tess called Bruce Brown’s cousin and told him thank you, but she wouldn’t be needing his services for the next day. Clara Rose might be onto something. How could she and Jacob work out their problems if they were miles and miles apart?
After a morning spent looking at fabrics and notions, Tess and Clara Rose made another batch of sweet pickle relish.
“I really should go check the blueberries,” Tess mused. And her goats. She really missed her goats. If they were still there. And if they were there, who had been taking care of them? The thought sent a flash panic through her. “I need to go home.”
Clara Rose’s eyes lit up with promise, but Tess shook her head. “My goats. I mean, what if he didn’t sell them or give them away? Who’s been feeding them and milking them?”
“You don’t think Jacob would allow them to suffer just because you’re not there.”
Well, when she put it like that, it was hard to believe, but Tess knew how much Jacob hated the goats. She wouldn’t put it past him to have given them away just so he wouldn’t have to take care of them. And there was only one way to find out.
“Do we have time to go to my house before we have to get supper ready?”
“I believe so.” Clara Rose wiped her hands on a dish towel. “I’ll go tell Obie, okay? I’ll meet you at the tractor.”
The ride over to Tess’s house seemed to take forever. Maybe it was because her heart was pounding in her throat. How had she forgotten her goats for days? It was unforgivable. She’d been so caught up in her own problems that she hadn’t even given them a second thought. She only hoped she hadn’t added fuel to Jacob’s threats to sell her goats.
She breathed a sigh of relief as Clara Rose turned into their short drive. She could see sweet Millie standing on top of the small house she had constructed for them to sleep in. She had known the goats climbed up there, and with only a small leap, Millie would be out in the yard, free to roam and pester the neighbors. “So that’s how she gets out,” she muttered to herself.
Clara Rose chuckled. “That’s some goat.”
Tess smiled. “Jah, she is.” But Tess was even more excited that the goats were still there. And Jacob was gone, no doubt on the job site, though she worried about him when he worked in the heat like this. She knew his boss provided them with plenty of water, but it was still incredibly hot and heatstroke was a constant concern.
“They don’t seem to have suffered from your absence,” Clara Rose noted.
And she was right. But that could only mean one thing. “Do you think Jacob milked them for me?”
“It appears so. But what has he done with the milk?”
“I usually store it in the refrigerator in the barn. Any extra I have that I won’t be able to make into soap or lotion or cheese, I put in the freezer.”
“So let’s check the refrigerator in the barn.”
Tess gave Millie one last pat on the head, then followed Clara Rose into the barn. She opened the refrigerator door to see bottles of goat’s milk stored there, milk that hadn’t been there when she left.
Tears filled her eyes. Jacob had done this for her. There was no way around it. He had worked and worked at his regular job and yet he had come home and milked them at least once a day, but from that amount of milk in the refrigerator she would have to say twice a day for sure.
Suddenly she felt ungrateful, mean, and spiteful. She had been lamenting the things that she wanted not realizing that she had a lot already.
“I think it’s time to come home.” Clara Rose smiled.
“I think you’re right.”
* * *
There was nothing worse than having to redo a job that had been done right the first time. But that was exactly what Jacob had spent the entire day doing. Ripping off perfectly good shingles to replace them with other, perfectly good shingles that were one shade darker gray than the ones that had been used. The worst part? No one on his team had made a mistake. It was just someone being extra picky—wanting more, being difficult, not being satisfied with what they had. Nothing irritated him more. So not only did he have to redo the work, which made him extra tired, but he was aggravated as well. He pulled his tractor to a stop next to the carriage house. He would put it up later. Right now he had too many things to do.
Tess had left, and though he had threatened to sell her goats, he hadn’t found a buyer yet. Well, that wasn’t exactly true. He hadn’t really looked for one and he surely hadn’t given them all away. So now he had to milk them.
He hopped off the tractor, grabbed his water jug, and headed for the house. Something seemed different as he made his way up the porch steps, but he couldn’t put a finger on what it was. His heart gave a hard pound in his chest. There had been a few break-ins in the county, and most times the culprits were high school kids, bored and rambunctious.
He slowed his steps and cautiously opened the door. The smell of blueberry pie filling scented the air, mixed in with what could only be meat loaf. He had heard of thieves and vandals, but he’d never been told of ones who, once they broke into a house, started cooking.
Just then Tess moved into view. He resisted the urge to rub his eyes and make sure his vision was correct. “Tess?”
“Hi, Jacob.”
“Hi.” Not exactly the most intelligent thing he had ever uttered, but his thoughts were tumbling over themselves. Each one wanted to be spoken first. “What are you doing here?”
“I live here.” She chuckled. The sound was apologetic.
“I know that, but does this mean you’ve come home?” After last night he wasn’t sure she would ever return. He had started to make plans with Obie to come to supper tonight again, doing everything in his power to court his own wife.
“Jah,” she said. “I’ve come home.”
Jacob had never heard sweeter words. This was what he had prayed for, that somehow she could find peace or whatever it was she needed to bring her back home where she belonged.
He crossed the room to stand in front of her, hesitating only a moment before he pulled her into his arms. He hugged her close, cradling her to him. He didn’t kiss her, just rocked her back and forth, his chin resting on the top of her head, her nose buried in the crook of his neck. Tess had come home and the world would be right again.
* * *
Tess
loved the feel of Jacob’s arms around her. She loved being close to him. His embrace was warm and comforting. He took a step back, plucking his shirt away from his skin. “I need to take a shower.”
She smiled. “Supper will be ready in about twenty minutes.”
He nodded. “Then I’ve got plenty of time.” He seemed not to want to take his eyes from her. He backed from the room, finally turning and heading up the stairs.
Tess turned back to the stove. It felt good to be home. She had left what clothes she had at Obie and Clara Rose’s. She could pick up her bag later. The most important thing was coming back home and being here when Jacob got off work. He missed her. He might not have said the words, but she could tell. Actions always spoke louder. He hadn’t sold her goats, and somehow she knew everything was going to be just fine.
Jacob came back downstairs as Tess was setting the table. They sat down and prayed, tears stinging the back of her eyes with the beautiful familiarity of it all. As they ate, Jacob told her about his day at work and his frustrations with some of the customers. She listened, so grateful to be able to share his day with him once again.
They got up from the table, and Jacob headed for the living room while Tess cleaned up. Half an hour later, she joined Jacob in the living room to find him immersed in his phone.
She sat down across from him. She wasn’t going to get upset. This wasn’t about getting upset. She would give him a few minutes to notice her, then he would realize that he was placing the phone over their relationship and he would put it away for the night. They would play a game together and everything would be just as it should be.
But after five full minutes of staring at him, he hadn’t taken his attention from the phone even once.
“Jacob.” She tempered her voice so it didn’t sound chastising. But she wanted his attention.
“Huh?” He didn’t even bother to look up, though he smiled at something he had seen.
“Jacob,” she said, louder this time.
“Jah?” he responded with his attention still centered on the tiny little phone.
“Jacob.” Somehow she managed to keep her tone below an out-and-out yell.
Exasperated, he set his phone in his lap and met her gaze. “What is it?”
“You’re doing it again.”
He frowned. “Doing what again?” His gaze went straight back to the phone though he didn’t lift it from his lap. It was obvious he wanted to.
“Playing on your phone all night and ignoring me.”
Some strange light flashed across his face, but it was gone so quickly she wasn’t able to discern what it was. “I’m ignoring you?” She couldn’t read anything into his tone, though the words were dark and heavy with warning.
“Jah, that is what I said. You are playing on your phone and you’re ignoring me. I’m not going to have it anymore.”
“You’re not going to have it?” Just the fact that he repeated her own words was enough to make Tess realize he wasn’t happy with her demands. But she wasn’t happy with a lot of things. All the elation she had felt over the fact that he had taken care of her goats while she was at Clara Rose and Obie’s vanished in an instant. In its wake it left regrets and sadness.
Tess stood. What was it Verna Yutzy was always saying? In for a penny, in for a pound. She had started this and she would see it through. She’d given in to a moment of weakness this afternoon, but it seemed as if things weren’t nearly as different as she had thought.
“That’s right. I won’t have it.”
Jacob was on his feet in a heartbeat. “You can’t make demands like that. I don’t make demands on you.”
“Of course you do. You make demands all the time. It doesn’t feel like demands to you because you’re the one making them. You don’t like my goats. You don’t want me to go to the quilting meeting. You don’t want me to do anything except go visit your parents. I’ve had enough of that. We’re living your life, Jacob, not our life, and I don’t want to do this anymore.” The words fell between them like a stink bomb in a one-room schoolhouse. He stood there, stock-still, as if trying to assimilate everything she had just said.
“Fine then.” His words were like cast iron, dark and heavy. “If this is the way you want it, it’s the way you can have it.” He exhaled through his nose like a bull snorting out a challenge. “In fact, why don’t you just take your things and go back over to Clara Rose and Obie’s. Isn’t that what you want?”
Was that what she wanted? She didn’t know. Well, that wasn’t true. That was not what she wanted at all. She wanted her Jacob back. But it seemed as if she wasn’t going to find him. That Jacob was gone, and instead she had the man before her. And though this man looked like her Jacob, he didn’t act like him. He didn’t want the same things, and he sure didn’t seem to love her. Wasn’t that what love was about?
Heart breaking, she stared at him for only a moment and started back for the door. She was leaving tomorrow. She would get a driver and she would go back so quick that everything else would just have to wait.
* * *
Jacob watched as if viewing two other people. He watched as Tess ran from the room. The door slammed behind her and then she was gone. Wasn’t that what she wanted? Why else would she question everything he said? Everything he did? It seemed he couldn’t be the man she wanted. The only thing left to do was to let her go.
* * *
It had been just a day since she had walked from her house to Clara Rose and Obie’s and yet here she was again. This time she had no tears. This time she couldn’t blame anyone but herself. There weren’t many couples who ended up living apart even though they were married, but she knew it wasn’t unheard of. She just never thought she would be one of those mentioned in the conversations of couples who didn’t make it. And only after three years. She would just have to accept that this was what God had planned for her.
Eyes dry, she made her way back to the Brennemans’.
“Tess!” Clara Rose’s call was one of complete surprise. “What are you doing here?”
Once again Tess was overcome with the need to tell someone, and yet the embarrassment of telling someone was almost more than she could take. Especially someone like Clara Rose, whose marriage was so utterly perfect.
“I just need to stay tonight.”
Clara Rose and Obie shared a look that once again sent tentacles of jealousy reaching through Tess. It was as if the two of them shared a common language that no one else on earth knew. How badly she had wanted that with Jacob. They had had it once upon a time, and then everything had fallen apart. Well, no more.
She would be the one that everyone talked about, the crazy lady who was married but didn’t live with her husband, who lived at the end of the lane. She could take in excess sewing, maybe make pickles, can blueberries for people, and a variety of other things to make ends meet. Maybe her mother and father would even let her move into the dawdi house. Whatever was her fate, she knew it did not lie in Wells Landing, and it was not with Jacob Smiley.
“Tess,” Clara Rose started, her voice soothing in both tone and manner, “come sit down. We can talk about this.”
Tess shook her head, barely registering the fact that Obie disappeared through the kitchen as she and Clara Rose talked.
“There’s nothing to talk about.”
“Then why do you need to stay here?”
Tess studied her friend’s face. There was no malice there, only concern. And she knew that if she gave Clara Rose a valid reason for needing to stay, then she would be welcome for sure.
“It’s Jacob. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t stay with him. I can’t live there.”
Clara Rose took Tess’s hand into her own and led her over to the living area. She eased Tess down into the wooden rocker that sat off to one side, then perched on the edge of the sofa nearest her. “This is going to be hard for me. But I think we need to talk about this.”
Tess nodded, unsure of what Clara Rose was getting at, but wil
ling to share what she needed to with her friend.
“I’ve noticed lately that you’ve been very unhappy, and it has me really concerned.”
“Jah,” she said. “I’ve not been happy, and that makes it so hard.”
Clara Rose nodded reassuringly. “I know it’s not enough to be worried about you and now . . .” She shook her head. “Now that he’s come here twice, it makes me wonder.”
Tess frowned. “Wonder about what?”
Clara Rose squeezed Tess’s fingers. “This is not an easy question to ask, but did Jacob hurt you?”
Tess drew back.
Clara Rose stumbled over herself to qualify the question. “I mean, you come here twice and you seem distraught. Yet you love him and you go back. I just don’t know how to help you if I don’t know what the problem is.”
Tess jumped to her feet and wrapped her arms around herself. “And so you would automatically assume that he would hurt me?”
“Oh dear, I’m making a mess out of this.” Clara Rose shook her head. “I don’t want to think that he would hurt you. I don’t want to think anything like that could happen in a marriage, but I have to have some place to start to help you.”
Tess nodded and bit back the bile that had risen into the back of her throat. “Jacob would never hurt me,” she said. “Never.”
Clara Rose nodded. “Is he drinking?”
Tess shook her head incredulously. “No. Of course not.”
“Gambling?”
“No.” Why was she asking all these questions?
“I’m afraid I don’t understand, then,” Clara Rose said. “What has he done that makes you want to leave?”
“He doesn’t spend any time with me. Not like Obie does with you.” Even as she said the words, they sounded petty and small. But inside her head they had seemed enormous.
Clara Rose grabbed her fingers and pulled Tess back into the rocking chair. “Maybe you’d better start at the beginning.”
Tess nodded and that was what she did, outlining for Clara Rose all the times Jacob had played on his cell phone and ignored her, all the times he worked late, everything and every infraction he’d made since they moved to Wells Landing, topping it off with the fact that he didn’t ever want to go see her family and yet she had to see his on a regular basis. When she was finished she felt lighter than she had in years, but still a small nagging thought dug at the corners of her mind. Was that all he had done? Were all those little things worth her marriage?
