I Like That About Her

by Aleks Mitchell

  Now I was the one with the unreadable expression. Was he condoning that I was gay? “Wait, what?”

  He smiled knowingly. “I know your mom and dad think I’m going to try to dissuade you from being gay, but that’s not really something I believe in.”

  “In church they say it’s a sin,” I replied. “Now you’re telling me that it’s okay?”

  “Well, not everyone in the church would agree with me, but I don’t think being gay is a sin. You can’t help who you fall in love with. Love is love and God is love. So, how can love be a sin?”

  “Too bad my parents don’t think like you.”

  Pastor Brian sighed sympathetically as he moved forward in his chair. “Listen, Faith, I mean what I say. Give them time. Can I share something personal with you?”

  “Don’t tell me you’re gay,” I said, eyes wide opened.

  “No,” he laughed. “But, my older sister is. Now, my dad was a pastor too and my mom was really religious. When my sister came out, they tried everything to dissuade her of who she was. It got to a point where my sister was close to running away. My parents found out and they told her that they would stop fighting who she was if she would stay. The last thing they wanted was to lose her. Long story short, my sister is now married to a wonderful woman that makes her happy. They have two kids together. Now, as for my mom and dad, sometimes I feel like they love my sister’s wife more than me and my sister.”

  “That’s a great story, but I don’t think my parents will act like your parents did. I don’t see them coming around to it.”

  “People will surprise you sometimes Faith. Your parents love you very much. I can tell you mean the world to your mother. Love for someone can make even the most stubborn person change their views. Trust me.”

  I wanted to trust him, but something in my gut told me that the only way I would ever get to be myself was if I left. There was no way my parents would ever accept me. I didn’t want to hurt them, but I wanted to be happy. Maybe the only way for all of us to be happy was if I was no longer in the picture. Maybe I had to go.

  Chapter 20

  It had been a few days since I spoke with Pastor Brian. After our session, he spoke with mom. Needless to say, it didn’t go well. I definitely wouldn’t be seeing Pastor Brian anymore. Mom was looking for a new therapist for me. I was pretty sure she’d send me to one of those conversion camps if she found one.

  I wasn’t going to let that happen. I’d be gone before I had to speak to anymore pastors or therapists. I was done talking about myself like there was something wrong with me. I wasn’t a bulimic. I didn’t have some kind of life threatening disease. I was just in love with a girl. Chandler.

  I hadn’t spoken to her in over two weeks. It felt like a lifetime. Sometimes I felt like she was a figment of my imagination that I dreamed up. But then I would look at the pictures on my phone of when we were happy together. That’s all I wanted. To be happy with Chandler.

  I wanted Chandler to come with me, but I couldn’t do that to her. She had loving parents that she didn’t have to hide from. She could be herself with them. She would find someone else. I couldn’t do anything that would risk her happiness.

  I wasn’t usually so selfless, but with her, I couldn’t be selfish. I loved her too much to be selfish with her. As long as she was happy, that was enough for me. I wished we could be together, but I didn’t see a way for that to happen right now.

  I left Andy a note. I apologized for leaving him. I promised that I would be back once we were older and I didn’t have to worry about mom and dad controlling me. I would keep in touch. There was no way I couldn’t keep in touch with Andy. We’d been each other’s rock since before I could remember. Through thick and thin we’d always been there for one another. It would be weird to be apart from him.

  I had to do this though. I wouldn’t stay here and feel like I was doing something wrong. Like I was disgusting. I couldn’t do it anymore. I was doing the right thing for everyone.

  I kept telling myself that as I sat in my car outside of Chandler’s house. I was trying to build up the courage to call her so that I could come in and see her. She might not even want to see me anyway. I did hurt her after all.

  A figure suddenly appeared outside of my window on the driver’s side. I screamed at the sudden appearance.

  “Is there something I can help you with?” Chandler asked from outside of my window.

  I took a few deep breaths and sighed in relief. I had never been more scared in my life. I lowered my window and just stared at Chandler, unable to find the words I needed. “Sorry,” I finally said.

  “For?”

  “Everything,” I sighed.

  Chandler sighed as she looked me in the eyes. “Do you want to come inside?”

  “Yeah, that would be great.”

  “So, do you want to tell me why you were sitting outside of my house like a crazy stalker?”

  “I wasn’t there that long,” I argued.

  “Faith, you’ve been sitting out there for at least fifteen minutes.”

  “I just needed someone to talk to,” I replied quietly.

  “Couldn’t you talk to Riley? Or Craig? Or your brother?”

  “I could. But I wanted to talk to you.”

  “Why?” she asked.

  “I don’t know. We’ve shared a lot together and I felt like I could tell you anything. We were friends before we were girlfriends. I was hoping you’d still be my friend, even after what I did.”

  Chandler sat down on her bed and looked at me tentatively. Slowly a smile appeared on her face as she patted the spot next to her on her bed.

  I smiled as I sat down next to her.

  “So, how’s it going?” Chandler asked comically.

  I smiled as I looked down at my hands. “Not so great.”

  “Is your mom still giving you a hard time?”

  “Yeah, I’ve given up on getting anywhere with her. My dad still isn’t around all that much so he’s not really much of a problem.”

  “I still think she’ll come around. She loves you.”

  “I’m not so sure,” I sighed.

  I looked into her eyes and had to stop myself from reaching over and kissing her. “I’m sorry.”

  “You don’t have to apologize, Faith.”

  “Yes, I do,” I replied sternly. “I’m sorry I hurt you. That was the last thing I ever wanted to do. I’m sorry I wasn’t strong enough to fight for us. I’m sorry for how things turned out.”

  “I am too,” she replied sadly.

  “But, one thing I’m not sorry about is how I feel about you. I will never be sorry for that.”

  Chandler nodded her head in agreement and smiled. “I won’t either.”

  After a moment, I looked at my phone and saw the time. I had to get going in case Andy saw the note sooner than I wanted him to.

  “I miss this,” Chandler said. “Just you and I, hanging out. It’s like the rest of the world doesn’t exist.”

  “It’d be easier if it didn’t.”

  “Hey, maybe we can stay in this room forever,” she joked. “Just the two of us.”

  “I don’t know; we might need to use the bathroom eventually.”

  “Damn human needs,” she smiled.

  I smiled back and bit my lip. That wasn’t really fair. I knew that drove her nuts. She loved it when I bit my lip.

  Chandler looked down at my lips. It felt like we might kiss, so I looked away awkwardly. “Uh, I should get going. You know before my mom realizes I’m gone.”

  “Yeah,” she replied. “Of course.”

  “Thanks, for listening.”

  “Anytime, Faith. What are friends for?” She smiled.

  “Yeah, friends,” I smiled sadly.

  Chandler walked me downstairs to her front door to let me out.

  “Hopefully I’ll see you soon,” Chandler said hopefully as she opened the door.

  I looked at her apprehensively. I didn’t want to lie to her, but I co
uldn’t risk her stopping me from leaving. “Yeah, we’ll see each other again soon.”

  I walked out but turned around to face her one last time. “Take care of yourself, Chan.”

  She looked at me questioningly before replying, “You too Faith.”

  I looked into those beautiful eyes one last time before turning around and walking away.

  Chapter 21

  After leaving Chandler’s house I went straight to the train station. I was getting on the last train out towards Chicago. My older cousin lived there so I planned to stay with her for a couple of days before I found a job. If I’d even find a job. I wasn’t exactly qualified to do much. I didn’t even have a high school diploma yet.

  I would have to figure something out. All I knew was being on my own would be better than being here. I couldn’t take the way mom looked at me anymore. Like she didn’t know me anymore. I was still me. Nothing about me had changed. I was just gay now.

  I wish more of the world could see that. That being gay isn’t that big of a deal. Why should who I love define me as a person? Why did it have to be such a big deal? It wasn’t a big deal for a straight person. Who they dated didn’t define them as a human being.

  As I sat on the bench waiting for the train to arrive, I kept thinking about all of the things I would be leaving behind. Andy. I couldn’t imagine life without him. Chandler. The one person who I ever truly loved and who loved me back. Craig and Riley. The two friends that had always been there whenever I needed them. Mom and dad. As mad as I was at them I still loved them and wished we could move past this and still be a family.

  I was losing a lot by running away. But, what was I gaining? I told myself that this would make me happy. But, without the people that I love in my life, would I ever really be happy? Sure I would be free to be who I was, but at what cost? Everyone I had ever cared about?

  The only reason I was doing this was because I wanted to be with Chandler. But, I was leaving her behind, so what was the point really? I was abandoning everyone. Running away because I was too much of a coward to stand up against my parents and tell them I was going to be who I was, no matter what they thought.

  I was leaving behind amazing people that I cared about, to be alone. Now that I really thought about it, it didn’t really make sense. As bitchy as I could be, I was never really much of a loner. I liked having friends and a family. I didn’t want to be alone.

  As the train arrived I watched the people around me getting on without hesitation. They had a reason for getting on the train. Suddenly my reason didn’t seem like much of a reason at all.

  Five minutes passed and I still hadn’t moved from the bench. If I didn’t get on now, I would miss the train. That didn’t seem like such a bad thing.

  As the train started moving forward I felt a feeling of relief in my gut. I would stay and fight for what I wanted. That was a scary thought. But it was also exhilarating.

  Suddenly, I saw a figure running onto the platform. I turned and my eyes went wide with surprise when I saw the exact person I had been wishing was here. Chandler.

  Chandler looked at the train leaving and sighed in disappointment. She was out of breath. She turned and did a double take when she saw me sitting on the bench a few feet away from her.

  I looked at her with a questioning look as she stared back at me, catching her breath as she approached me.

  “Hey,” I said slowly.

  “Hey?” she questioned in a voice that made me cringe. She was clearly angry with me. “That’s all you’re going to say? Hey?”

  I opened my mouth to respond but she held up her hand to stop me from talking. I didn’t dare challenge her with the way she was looking at me right now. I had never seen this side of Chandler before. I kind of liked it.

  “How dare you just leave like that?”

  “But I didn’t!”

  “But you were planning on it! Andy found the note. He and your mom rushed to my place to see if you had stopped there before you left town. That explains why you said goodbye like a weirdo. You lied to me by the way!”

  “I didn’t lie,” I tried to defend myself.

  “Yes you did! You said we’d see each other soon. That was a load of bull. You knew you were leaving and that we’d never see each other again.”

  “I wasn’t planning on it being forever. I had hoped we would see each other again.”

  “Do you have any idea how selfish it was for you to think you could just leave like that?”

  I didn’t respond. There was nothing I could say to defend myself. She was right. I was being incredibly selfish. Luckily I had realized that before getting on the train.

  “There are a lot of people here that care about you!”

  “I know.”

  “Not to mention something could have happened to you! You could have been abducted or killed!”

  “I know.”

  “Stop saying that!” she exclaimed. I guess she had expected that I would argue with her. But everything she was saying was true.

  “What else am I supposed to say? You’re right. It was selfish to try to leave. Not to mention, I think I’m kind of afraid to be out on my own. Plus, I’m not much of a loner. I like having friends and a family.”

  Chandler glared at me expressionless. I was trying to read what she was feeling or thinking, but I couldn’t.

  “God, you could be so dumb sometimes Faith!”

  I wasn’t expecting that response. I guess she could have called me worse things than dumb.

  Chandler sighed as she sat down next to me on the bench, looking ahead. She suddenly put her arm around me and pulled me into a side hug. “I’m glad you didn’t go.”

  I smiled as I responded, “Me too.”

  We stayed like that for a few seconds before she pulled back and looked at her phone. “Your mom and Andy are here too. I ran ahead of them but they should be catching up soon.”

  “Great,” I sighed.

  “She was actually really worried about you,” Chandler said. “I think she loves you more than you realize. She was scared to death. We all were.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “You should be.”

  “Hey, do you really think I’m dumb?” I asked her with a smirk.

  Chandler looked over at me and returned the smirk. “Well, sometimes. But not incredibly dumb.”

  “So I’m just semi-dumb?” I laughed.

  “Put it this way, you have brain cells, you just don’t always use them.”

  We smiled at each other as mom and Andy made their way towards us.

  “Faith, thank God you’re still here!” mom exclaimed. She pulled me into a tight hug, which I returned hesitantly. “I was so worried I would lose you.”

  “Um, shouldn’t we be kicking her ass right now?” Andy asked from behind her. “She scared the crap out of us!”

  “Andy!” mom exclaimed. “Could you two give us a minute? I need to have a word with Faith.”

  “Sure,” Chandler smiled as she got up from the bench. “We’ll be over here.”

  “Don’t go easy on her mom!” Andy said, half serious half joking.

  “Come on,” Chandler sighed as she pulled him away with her.

  Mom sat down next to me on the bench and sighed as she pulled her coat together.

  “Faith, the last thing I wanted was to make you feel like you had to leave. I would never want that. I love you, so much.”

  “I love you too,” I answered back honestly.

  “I just want what’s best for you. You coming out scared me a little. I know that gay people still have a hard time in the world. I just want you to have the best life possible. I want you to be happy, Faith.”

  “Mom I know that I’ll have people that hate me because I’m gay. But I need to know that you won’t be one of them.”

  “I could never hate you, Faith! Never!”

  I smiled tearfully as my mom held my hand in hers.

  “I am so sorry if I made you believe that I did. I
could never hate you. I love you and I promise that going forward I am going to consider the things that make you happy. Your life isn’t mine and I can’t control everything that you do.”

  “So, does this mean you’re okay with me being gay?” I asked carefully.

  “It’ll take some getting used to, but if this is who you are then I’ll accept it.”

  “Does that mean I can go back to school and maybe see Chandler again?”

  “It does. I didn’t mean to make you so unhappy, Faith. I hope you know that.”

  “Yeah, mom,” I smiled. “I know.”

  Mom pulled me into a tight embrace. We stayed like that for a good while. Neither of us wanted to pull away.

  For the first time ever, I felt like everything was really going to be okay. I could be happy with Chandler and keep my family. There was nothing else I could possibly want.

  Chapter 22

  Tomorrow was my first day back at school. I couldn’t wait for everything to be back to normal. One last thing I needed to get back to normal was my relationship with Chandler.

  I knocked on her front door and a few moments later her dad answered.

  “Well, hello there,” Michael smiled.

  “Hey Mr. Reynolds.”

  “We don’t see each other for a couple of weeks and we’re already back to a last name basis?”

  “Sorry, hey Michael.”

  “Hey, Faith. Come on in. Chandler’s upstairs in her room. You can go on up.”

  “Thanks,” I smiled.

  I walked up to Chandler’s room and stopped outside of the door. I was nervous that she wasn’t going to take me back. Maybe she had moved on. Or maybe she had finally realized that I wasn’t that great of a person and she could find better. That she deserved better.

  I knocked on the door and waited for her to answer before opening the door slowly.

  Chandler was sitting on her bed. We just stared into each other’s eyes as I stood in the doorway anxiously.

  “Here for another friendly talk?” Chandler asked.

  I sighed as I tilted my head in guilt. I closed the door behind me and stood in the middle of the room.