A Higher Education

by Rosalie Stanton

  Which was sad, because he might be good fuck-buddy material, if nothing else.

  Maybe that was her problem. She’d never given her no-strings-sex thing a fair shot. She’d kept looking at guys like Will who appealed to her on levels beyond the physical—no matter how much her brain scolded her for it. Wickham was nice to look at and quick-witted, even if he laid it on a bit thick.

  “Your silence does not bode well for me,” Wickham said, drawing her back to herself. “If I overstepped—”

  “No. I mean, no you didn’t overstep. Not no on the date.” Elizabeth offered him a small smile. “I’d, umm, I think that would be nice.”

  “Yeah?”

  “Hell yeah. I’m all for dinner and a movie. Just what I need. Plus, you know, mildly attractive company.”

  Wickham’s face split into a wide grin. “You know you had me dangling there.”

  “What can I say? It’s more fun when they squirm.”

  “Evil.”

  Elizabeth shrugged, then caught sight of the clock hanging on the wall over Wickham’s shoulder. “Crap,” she said, and sprang to her feet. “I better motor.”

  “When do you want—”

  “Just text. Or call. Probably won’t be open until the weekend.” Because of homework and exhaustion, courtesy of all the sleep she hadn’t gotten the night before. Elizabeth shook her head—and the thought—away as she shoved her book into her backpack. “Maybe Friday?”

  “Maybe Friday sounds great!” Wickham said.

  She shot him another grin and made her way around the table. “To me too,” she said. “See you then.”

  “I’ll be the one with bells on!”

  She chuckled, hoisted one of the straps of her backpack over her shoulder, and dived into the maze of bookcases.

  So she hadn’t gotten any actual studying done, but she couldn’t help but feel the trip to the library hadn’t been a waste. Confusing thoughts and wayward emotions aside, going out with Wickham was just what the doctor ordered. It gave her something to look forward to at the end of the week—an eyes on the prize kind of thing to help her avoid the massive amounts of awkward that would undoubtedly dog her for the next few days.

  The biggest hurdle standing between her and her weekend date was due at the dorm by a quarter after six. She was one dinner away from being done with this whole mess.

  Elizabeth turned the corner at an aisle of books, readjusting her backpack over her shoulder, and had almost cleared the checkout desk when a voice broke through the mantra running through her head.

  “I kinda hate you. The Realis Society is super hard to get in to. I tried last year and fell flat on my face.”

  Elizabeth paused on instinct. The voice had come from behind an aisle of books—whispered and not meant for her ears. The smart thing to do would be to move on. She needed to get back, anyway, if she hoped to have any time to mentally prepare for the conversation she had to have.

  But she couldn’t convince her feet to budge.

  “Pretty sure it was just luck,” another girl said. “The competition this year was fierce. You wouldn’t believe what some applicants did to get in.”

  “What?” the owner of the first voice asked breathily.

  “Well, this one girl started dating the president’s brother.”

  “Charlie Bingley?” A giggle. “That boy is fine. And also kind of a whore. He dated my roommate two semesters ago. She dumped his ass after he hit on a waitress while she was in the bathroom.”

  “Well,” the other voice replied, “apparently, he was really into this girl. Seriously into her. Like, talking about bringing her home for the holidays so she could meet his family, but it turns out she was just using him to get into Realis. Probably didn’t hurt that he’s super rich, either.”

  “Aww, poor Charlie. Even whores have feelings.” A pause as they shared a snicker. “How did he find out?”

  “I don’t think he did. From what I heard, Caroline had Will Darcy step in.”

  Elizabeth went numb and hot at the same time. She reached out to the bookcase for support, willing herself not to make a noise. Which, granted, was hard when every nerve in her body was suddenly screaming.

  “Oh, Will Darcy.” The name was repeated with such emphasis that the air practically pulsed. “God, that man. To be that fucking hot and that rich. There should be a law against it.”

  “Pretty sure that was why Caroline tagged him in,” came the reply. “Nothing talks like experience. Can you imagine how many sluts throw themselves at him each day? Well…whatever he said thankfully brought Charlie to his senses. He dumped that bitch in an instant.”

  “Eh. Gotta say, having trouble finding sympathy. The way he played my friend, maybe he deserved to be played himself.”

  The girls’ conversation quickly devolved from there, and Elizabeth stopped listening. Couldn’t have kept on if she tried, she was shaking too damn hard.

  Goddammit.

  She’d known. She’d known for weeks since Wickham had first told her—she’d known what Will was capable of. She’d been warned and she hadn’t listened. Or worse—she had listened but hadn’t taken it seriously. Not seriously enough, anyway. It had been too fucking inconvenient for her hormones to hear that the guy who did it for them had seriously screwed over his own friend, and why the hell would she be any different? No, once she’d stopped ignoring him, she’d all but thrown herself at him. Over and over again.

  Worse, she’d made excuses for herself. A part of her had known. Of course it had. This was the way things went and fuck anyone who claimed otherwise.

  How could I have been so stupid? So goddamned stupid?

  Elizabeth stopped just outside the library entrance, barely having registered she’d moved at all. Sweat lined her forehead and dribbled down her cheeks. She heaved hard, lumbering breaths. Her fingers tingled and her legs wanted to call it a day and quit.

  But she couldn’t. Because Will was coming over.

  The asshole would be at her dorm soon.

  And she’d be there to make sure he heard, in no uncertain terms, just how done she was with him.

  20

  The rage didn’t dissipate. It grew. By the time the knock came, Elizabeth was shaking so hard she thought she might drill a hole in the floor. That was never good—for her or anyone in her path. It had been a long time since she’d lost control of herself beyond just having a smart mouth and a hot temper. When the situation in her head went to DEFCON 1, it typically meant heads were going to roll.

  And yet, knowing she was a danger to herself and others, she opened the door anyway.

  Calm down. Calm the fuck down.

  There he was, bright and eager, a smile affixed to his face. But Will Darcy was nothing if not an observer of his environment. He took in her expression and the hopeful gleam in his eyes faded. “Everything all right?”

  If she gritted her teeth any harder they’d shatter in her mouth. But in the span between his knocking on the door and her opening it, she’d managed to regain enough self-control to not immediately leap to manslaughter charges, which was a big bonus.

  “I need to talk to you,” she said, doing her best to keep her voice controlled. Steady. Not yell-y.

  “I know. I need to talk to you too.” Will looked at her expectantly, and after debating whether or not this was the sort of argument she wanted to have in a hallway, Elizabeth opened the door wide and gestured for him to come inside.

  Though that might have been a mistake. The last time they’d been alone in a room together, she’d experienced hands down the best sex she’d ever had. And that hurt to think about because it just drove home, again, what a monumental idiot she’d been.

  Breathe, Bennet. Count to ten.

  “Do you…want to do this now or over dinner?”

  “Now.” Because she wasn’t having any fucking dinner with him.

  He nodded, either ignoring the edge to her voice or not hearing it. “Okay,” he said, swallowing and closing the door beh
ind him. “If you don’t mind, I’d like to go first.”

  Well, wasn’t that typical.

  But since time would hopefully help her calm down, Elizabeth didn’t bother to protest. She didn’t bother to say anything, either. Just turned to look at him—because she had to at least do that much—and gave him a curt nod.

  “Umm.” Will offered another smile and tore his hand through his hair. “Why don’t you sit down?” He nodded at her bed.

  Elizabeth didn’t follow his gaze but she did arch an eyebrow.

  The smile faltered a bit. “Or not.”

  No. She was an adult. She could sit down on a bed in a room with him. Sure.

  So with that in mind, she parked her ass on the mattress, crossed her arms, and met his eyes.

  Will blinked at her for a few seconds, looking uncertain, then shook his head and blew out a deep breath. “All right, so here it goes.” He met her eyes again. “The last thing I wanted when I came back to school was to be distracted. I had a plan once. A good plan, one that involved graduating early while I worked my way up the ranks at Darcy Media. I was going to graduate at twenty-one and spend the next few years of my life proving to the shareholders that I wasn’t some dumb kid who’d been handed the keys to the chocolate factory. I love the company my father built. I want to do right by it. It was always important to him and my mother that I get my education—and it was important to me too. But after they died, everything got put on hold.”

  Elizabeth wet her lips, the anger that had taken residence under her skin having faded in favor of curiosity.

  What the hell was he going on about?

  “I say all this so you know just how much I didn’t want to feel this way,” Will continued. “Especially after the last few years. I was supposed to come here and finally get my life back on track. And then you happened.”

  “I happened?”

  “Yeah. I wasn’t asking for it and I sure as hell wasn’t looking for it. And I don’t think you were either, but…” He trailed off, looked away, drew in a deep breath and turned back to her. “I know we haven’t talked about whatever…whatever’s been happening here.” He gestured between them. “And I know we…clash. We don’t really make sense at all. You’re smart as hell and you speak your mind, even when you shouldn’t. And your friends are…interesting. I guess what I’m trying to say is you’re not the sort of person I’d have thought I’d…feel this way about.”

  Oh. Well didn’t that just sweep her off her feet?

  “But I can’t focus at all and it’s because I’m thinking of you. And I don’t want to wonder about this anymore.” Will met her gaze again, and this time when he smiled, it was with the air of someone who had just crawled to safety from under a big boulder. “I guess what I’m trying to say is I think I’m falling in love with you and that seems to be the sort of thing you tell a person. I also know you said a while back you didn’t want a relationship so I’m about twenty steps ahead of myself, but there’s either telling or not, and…I think it’s better to be honest. I know we haven’t defined whatever we are, but I’d like to. Hell, I need to so I can get back to doing what I came here to do. So…”

  For the first time in Elizabeth’s memory, she didn’t have words. Not one. Her heart had done a weird little leapy thing when he’d mentioned love, because that particular word happened to be very heavy. But the rest… Her mind was blank.

  No, that wasn’t quite right.

  She was thinking things. A lot of things. Things that were so jumbled together they didn’t make sense, fueled by a sudden, intense rush of feeling. Make that plural. The anger from before roared back to life with a vengeance, only this time it wasn’t the Hulk. It was whatever made the Hulk piss itself and cry in the corner. It seemed impossible that a person could get near this, let alone experience it, without exploding on impact.

  Honest? It’s better to be honest?

  Fuck him. Fuck him.

  “Elizabeth?”

  She pressed her lips together and slowly rose to her feet.

  Then she met his eyes—his concerned but still somehow hopeful eyes—and spat, “Fuck you, Darcy. And get the fuck out of my room.”

  She tore for the door and nearly yanked it off its hinges, then gestured for him to leave, doing her best to keep from looking at him. She didn’t think she could stomach it, seeing him standing in her room not two steps away from the place he’d given her that first habit-forming orgasm. The place she’d officially thrown all sense out the window and gone against logic. Against her own sense of right and wrong. If she looked at him, the rage beast in her chest might just gouge out his eyeballs.

  But he didn’t move. He stood there, breathing hard, not moving, and she had no choice but to look. What she saw made her want to cry.

  Hurt and confusion and, yes, some anger, comprised the lines of his face.

  His stupid fucking face.

  “Is that all you’re going to say?” he demanded at last. “After everything I just told you?”

  “I’m sorry. Were you expecting me to swoon? I repeat, fuck you, Darcy.”

  “Elizabeth, talk to me.”

  She slammed the door shut again, the rage beast scratching under her skin, willing to be released. “And tell you what?”

  Will stared at her incredulously. “Maybe what I did to deserve this?”

  “What did you expect to happen?” she snapped. “That I’d thank you for making me a part of your fucked up life when it was clearly the last thing you wanted? That I’d ignore what you said—or didn’t have the balls to say—about my friends? That I’d overlook the fact that you just said you know this isn’t what I want, but it’s what you want, so fuck me, right?”

  “I didn’t—”

  “And when someone tells you that you’re not the sort of person they would normally go for, how exactly is that a compliment?” She crossed her arms. “Really. Tell me. I want to know. I mean, it’s not a line I haven’t heard, but I’ve never understood why people think it’s a good thing to tell someone. Especially if the point you’re trying to make is that you think you love them? ‘You’re not up to my normal standards, but I’ll make an exception just this once’?”

  “That’s not what I said!”

  “Really? Did you hear yourself, because that was exactly what you said.”

  “No, no. You’re taking this all wrong—”

  “I’m taking it as you said it.” Her jaw tightened, raw, unkempt energy streaking through her body like a livewire. “So thanks, Will. Thanks for deigning to slum it with me for a few days, but I think it’s time we both headed back to the real world.”

  She twisted around and made to open the door again, but Will grabbed her arm and whirled her back to face him.

  “I deserve an explanation,” he said.

  “You deserve a kick to the balls,” she replied, wrenching out of his grasp. “Anyone ever tell you it’s not a good idea to grab someone like that?”

  He brought his hands up, his eyes going wide. “Sorry. Sorry. You’re right, I shouldn’t have—”

  But she had already turned back to the door.

  “So what was it?” Will asked before she could open it. “What was any of it to you?”

  Don’t cry now, Bennet. Don’t you dare.

  “It was sex,” she said, her voice wobbling as she forced herself to face him again. “That was all it was. I never pretended that I wanted anything else, and that was because I didn’t. I didn’t even want to want sex, but it happened and every time I thought I was going to be smart and put an end to it, I got swept away.”

  Will swallowed, but his expression became harder. “So you never wanted anything else with me?”

  “No.”

  “All this time? You can just do that. Be intimate with someone you don’t have feelings for.”

  “I told you all this weeks ago! You just said—”

  “I thought—”

  “You thought you could get me to change my mind because I’ve made
things inconvenient for you? I told you what I was about, Darcy. I was crystal clear. I didn’t ask for your feelings and I don’t want them.” She took a deep breath to calm herself. Then another. In a cooler tone, she continued, “Had I known you felt anything like that, I would’ve nipped it in the bud. Hell, I should have never let it start to begin with but—”

  “Why?”

  “I just told you why.”

  He shook his head. “Not that. But…you seem to…” Another swallow. “It’s not just that you don’t have feelings for me. You…don’t like me at all, do you?”

  A pang struck her dead center. “There were times I did.”

  “But you slept with me despite this? How?”

  That pang hit again, harder this time and triggering Elizabeth’s innate defense mechanisms. “Well, you see, when a man is aroused, his penis becomes hard and—”

  “I know how.”

  “Then don’t ask stupid questions.”

  “Why would you ever want to have sex with someone you don’t like?”

  “And welcome to the hell that has been my world.” She shifted her gaze away, crossing her arms again. “Like I said, I didn’t mean for you to get all…attached. When I came over last night? I couldn’t sleep because I knew things had gotten out of hand and I wanted to stop them—then, before it got any messier. But you opened the door and then there was kissing and my good sense went out the window.”

  “You came over there last night to…put an end to it.”

  She nodded, aimed her gaze south when looking at him proved difficult.

  There was pain in his eyes. Pain and anger and loathing. Things that she’d put there.

  In that moment, she hated herself. That she’d brought any of that to another human being made her feel like something someone would scrape off the bottom of their shoe. Not even gum. Mystery goob.

  “And I’m willing to admit I did a lousy job,” she said a moment later. “So this, some of this—hell, maybe all of it—is on me. The sex stuff, at least. I could have said no. Should have. I should’ve ended it when I meant to, or hell, not even started. Whatever else, Will, I didn’t mean for you to catch feelings for me. And I know this…sucks. I hate that I did that to you. I didn’t mean to. What you’re feeling now… I’m genuinely sorry for that.”