Besieged and Betrothed

by Jenni Fletcher

  ‘There’s Devizes, sir,’ one of the guards called out.

  He drew rein, reluctant to go any further as he spied the great tower of the castle in the distance. Another hour and the brief interlude of their married life would be over. As much as he’d told himself it was for the best, that Juliana would be better off without him, actually confronting that fact was another matter. But he had no choice. He couldn’t disobey the Empress’s orders any more than he could change who he was—and who he was wasn’t anywhere near good enough.

  They rode on towards the city gates and he led them through a throng of people towards the keep.

  ‘Find some quarters for the night.’ He dismounted and handed his reins to one of his soldiers.

  ‘Just for tonight, sir?’

  ‘Yes,’ he answered tersely, wishing he knew the real answer to that. ‘Hopefully you’ll be able to go back to Haword in the morning.’

  He turned away to avoid further questions. He didn’t believe Juliana was in any real danger from the Empress, just as long as she didn’t say anything foolish about her allegiance to Stephen. He trusted that he’d made her see sense about that, though he also knew that pushing her on the subject would avail nothing. Hopefully she’d be pragmatic enough not to say anything too incriminating. Then, with any luck, she’d be able to leave with his men again tomorrow.

  ‘It’s huge!’

  The sound of her voice behind him made his chest constrict almost painfully. He’d missed her voice, he realised, even if it had only been absent for two days. How much more would he miss it after a week, a month...a year? He turned to find her staring up at the keep with a dumbfounded expression, as if she’d never seen anything like it. Probably she hadn’t. It was immense, built entirely of stone and not yet thirty years old. He ought to have considered how intimidating it might appear to someone who’d spent most of her life in the country, but he hadn’t dared look ahead to this moment. Now she seemed so overwhelmed that he wanted to lift her down from the horse and wrap her up in his arms, but he daren’t do that either. For the sake of his sanity, if nothing else, he had to get her to the Empress as quickly as possible.

  ‘It’s just stone. Come.’

  She gave a visible gulp as she slid out of her saddle, landing with such an ungainly stagger that he leapt forward instinctively, grasping hold of her waist to steady her.

  Their eyes met and for a moment he thought he’d been attacked. Surely only that could explain the visceral jolt that tore through his body as if someone had just shoved him hard in the chest. It took a few moments to realise that the sensation had actually originated in his hands, as if the very touch of her were enough to send all of his senses reeling. He tried to loosen his fingers and found himself gripping tighter instead, his muscles refusing to obey his commands. At that moment, he didn’t know which of them was steadying the other. He had the startling impression he might fall if he let her go.

  ‘We should go in.’

  Her voice had a pleading note he’d never heard before, breaking the spell somehow, and he tore his hands away with an effort, keeping only a light hold on her elbow as he steered her past the castle guards and towards the great hall. At the last moment he slowed down, trying to think of something to say, some words of comfort or reassurance, but as usual there was nothing. Nothing he could think of to make either one of them feel better. Then it was too late and they were in the hall itself, the ambience of the room shifting subtly as they entered, as if everyone inside had been waiting for them.

  ‘Lothar!’ Matilda’s voice rang out from where she stood in the centre, surrounded by her usual cohort of soldiers and courtiers. ‘You’ve come back at last.’

  ‘As promised.’ He dropped down on to one knee, looking out of the corner of his eye to make sure Juliana did the same. ‘It’s good to see you again, Empress.’

  ‘Is it?’ Matilda made her way regally towards them. ‘Yet the roads have been passable for a week.’ A murmur of amusement rippled around the hall, though there was nothing amused in the look she gave him. ‘I was almost ready to ride into Herefordshire and fetch you myself.’

  ‘Apologies, Empress, but there were matters that required my attention.’

  ‘I’m sure.’ Matilda’s blue gaze fixed on Juliana with a predatory gleam. ‘And here she is. Welcome to Devizes, my dear. You must favour your mother in appearance.’

  There was a momentary pause before his wife answered. ‘They tell me so, Empress.’

  ‘Though you have your father’s eyes...’ Matilda’s voice softened as she placed one finger under Juliana’s chin and tilted it upwards. ‘He’s dead, then?’

  ‘Yes, Empress.’

  ‘I’m sorry. I wonder what he would have thought about our meeting like this.’

  ‘I don’t know, Empress.’

  ‘No, I suppose not. But perhaps we ought to discuss it in private, so we can get to know each other properly.’ She waved a hand in the air imperiously. ‘The rest of you may leave us. That includes you, Lothar.’

  ‘Empress?’ He felt a shiver of unease. The look in Matilda’s eyes was like that of a falcon that had just spotted a smaller bird—easy prey. Not that Juliana was easy prey. Far from it. She had her own talons, but the last thing he wanted was to leave her either to fight or to fend for herself.

  ‘Wait outside the door if you wish, Lothar.’ The order was unmistakable. ‘In the meantime, your wife and I have a lot to talk about. You may go.’

  * * *

  Juliana closed her eyes, torn between regret and relief as the great oak door closed with a reverberating thud. The journey to Devizes had been almost unbearable, every moment in her husband’s company a humiliating reminder of what had happened between them. In the bright light of day her behaviour had seemed even more shameless than it had felt at the time. She couldn’t defend herself or what she’d done. She’d practically asked Lothar to take her to bed, deluding herself into thinking he might want her, too. As if realising how much she cared for him wasn’t bad enough! She didn’t want to care for him, but she did, and now she’d gone to bed with him, the feeling was even more heart-wrenchingly painful. Even the memory of their lovemaking was tarnished by the way he’d behaved afterwards. He’d barely even looked at her, as if all he wanted was to go back to Matilda and forget.

  ‘Come, my dear.’ Matilda hooked an arm through hers, pulling her towards a low couch by the fireplace. ‘I’ve heard so much about you, I feel like I know you already.’

  ‘Thank you, Empress.’ She perched on the edge of the couch with a growing sense of trepidation. If anyone else had been fooled by the other woman’s show of friendship, she certainly hadn’t. No matter what Lothar claimed, she had the feeling that she wasn’t going to be forgiven for surrendering to Stephen quite so easily. She felt like a condemned woman, waiting for the axe to fall.

  ‘Your father was a good man.’ Matilda sat down opposite. ‘I valued him a great deal.’

  ‘He would have been pleased to know that, Empress.’

  ‘I valued his advice, too. Even if he did think I was fighting a losing battle.’ The blue gaze narrowed in on hers suddenly. ‘He was clever enough to recognise the truth when he saw it.’

  Juliana caught her breath, knowing she ought to deny it, but unable to lie quite so blatantly. ‘He died loyal to you, Empress.’

  ‘I know. Unlike his daughter.’

  She felt a prickle of goosebumps, as if she’d just walked into a trap. She couldn’t deny that fact either. She couldn’t even regret her disloyalty. If she had to, she knew she’d make the same choices all over again. The only question now was what Matilda would do to her, not that she particularly cared. After what had happened with Lothar, she could hardly feel any worse. But Matilda seemed to have moved on already, lost in her own train of thought.

  ‘You know when Robert, the
Earl of Gloucester, was captured, I had to exchange Stephen for his release. Some people said it was sentimental and womanly of me, that I should have left him to rot where he was, but he was my half-brother. I cared too much to abandon him, even though it meant starting the war all over again. Sometimes we don’t have any good choices. I think your bargain with Stephen was one of those.’

  ‘You do?’ Juliana couldn’t keep the surprise out of her voice, scarcely able to believe she was going to be let off the hook so easily. ‘I know I’ve no right to your forgiveness, Empress.’

  ‘I give it anyway. In all honesty, I wish your father had been a little less loyal. If he’d surrendered to Stephen when he’d had the chance, he could have come here and been properly cared for.’

  Juliana bristled at the insinuation. ‘I did my best.’

  ‘I’m sure you did. That wasn’t what I meant. And at least you were with him, taking care of him. When my own father died I was miles away in Anjou. We were arguing at the time over the rights to my dower castles. I know what it is to be estranged from a parent.’

  ‘We weren’t arguing, my lady. He never knew about my agreement with Stephen, but...’ She drew her brows together, struggling to put all the tangled emotions of the past few months into words. ‘I still felt it there, somehow, like a barrier between us. When he told me to marry Lothar, I thought that maybe he suspected something, that he was punishing me.’

  ‘I won’t deny that I was surprised by your marriage, but is that how it feels, like a punishment?’

  ‘No.’ She dropped her eyes under the intensity of the other woman’s scrutiny. ‘But I never wanted to be married. I always thought I could manage on my own, like a man.’

  ‘Even men are forced to marry sometimes, but you’re right, it’s different for us. If a woman is unmarried, she isn’t taken seriously, and if she is married, she cedes her authority to her husband. But there are exceptions, with the right kind of man, of course. Take my first husband, Heinrich. He was loving, considerate, and he treated me with respect, as an equal. I miss him dearly. A marriage like that is the goal, don’t you think?’

  ‘What about your second husband?’

  The blue gaze flashed. ‘You’re a brave woman to ask me about Geoffrey. Our marriage isn’t quite so harmonious, as no doubt you’ve heard. Being in different countries might be the only thing that stops us from fighting each other, but our marriage was necessary from a political perspective. My father thought in those terms, you see, and in those terms, he was right. Geoffrey was the best choice politically. But I don’t think your father would have chosen a husband for you in quite the same way. I don’t think he would have bound you to any man he thought wasn’t good enough.’

  ‘He wanted someone who could protect me.’

  ‘Then he chose well, but I doubt that was all he wanted. He would have wanted you to be happy, too. Don’t forget, he knew Lothar, knew what kind of a man he is. Isn’t it possible he thought the two of you well suited?’

  Juliana took a deep breath, stalling for time before she answered. Was it possible? In truth, they were surprisingly well matched. The two months they’d spent together over the winter had proven that. Up until two days ago, the time she’d spent in his company had been almost perfect. What had happened in her bedchamber had shown they were compatible in other ways, too, or so she’d thought... Not that it made any difference. He was still leaving her and going back to Normandy with Matilda, the woman who would always come first, the same woman who was talking to her now as if she had any kind of choice in the matter.

  ‘It doesn’t matter.’ She shook her head resentfully. ‘If I have to be married, then I want a husband who can love me back.’

  Matilda swept to her feet suddenly, moving towards a small table and pouring out two cups of wine.

  ‘You know, when I found him in Bamburg, he was just a boy, but he seemed older. He was too stern for a child, too hard, as if a part of him had turned to stone. It was a full year before he smiled again.’ She handed her one of the cups. ‘Not that he makes a habit of it now.’

  ‘He says you saved him.’

  ‘His life perhaps, though as for the rest...’ Matilda sat down next to her this time. ‘Did he ever tell you about his mother?’

  ‘He said his father killed her.’

  ‘What about his scar?’

  ‘That his father did it, too.’

  ‘Did he tell you they happened at the same time?’

  ‘No.’ She shook her head, aghast.

  ‘We only spoke about it once, on the night I found him. I asked him why he’d run away from home and he told me that his father had been hurting his mother, that he’d tried to stop him, and she’d come between them.’

  ‘You mean she was killed trying to protect him?’ She gasped at the horror of it.

  ‘That was the one and only time he ever mentioned her to me, though I think perhaps he told your father, too. Afterwards, he became like my shadow. At first I thought he was clinging to me for comfort, as some kind of replacement mother. I didn’t have the heart to send him away, but after a while, I realised it wasn’t comfort he was looking for. He was just looking, watching and waiting, as if he were bracing himself for another fight.’

  ‘I thought that, too!’ Juliana sat up excitedly, almost spilling her wine. ‘The first time I saw him, I had the feeling that he was waiting for something to happen. He looked dangerous.’

  ‘And now?’

  ‘Now?’ She blinked. Now she thought of it, he hadn’t looked that way for a while, not for a month at least. In their evenings together he’d seemed almost relaxed. ‘No, not any more.’

  ‘Then you’ve achieved more in a few weeks than I have in twenty years. I put him into guard training as a boy because I thought it might help him. Now I think it might have made things worse.’

  ‘I don’t understand.’

  Matilda sighed. ‘I only gave him a way to use his grief, not to get past it. I don’t believe he’s ever been able to get past that day when his mother died. He’s spent his whole life blaming himself for her death, protecting me because he wasn’t able to protect her. Every battle he’s fought on my behalf has been an attempt to put that right.’

  ‘But he’ll never be able to...’ Juliana pressed her lips together, heart aching at the thought of a small boy blaming himself for his mother’s death, trying to put right whatever mistake he thought that he’d made. ‘That’s why he’s so protective. I thought he was in love with you.’

  Matilda let out a particularly un-regal-sounding laugh. ‘He cares for me as much as he’s able. He has a strong sense of duty, I know that, but I don’t think he’s let himself feel anything since the day she died. Until he met you, that is.’

  ‘No.’ Juliana resisted the temptation to believe the words. ‘He doesn’t care for me. He says he’s incapable.’

  ‘He wants to be. There’s a difference. He’s kept his feelings buried away for so long he thinks he doesn’t have them any more, but if anything, he’s capable of feeling too much. I’ve taken him for granted, too. I thought he couldn’t change, that he’d never want to leave me, but two months ago he did something I never expected. He lied to me.’

  ‘Empress?’

  ‘He told me that you’d hold Haword for me if Stephen returned. If you’re William’s daughter, then I know better.’

  She swallowed nervously. ‘I swore an oath, my lady.’

  ‘I know.’ Matilda patted her arm, the atmosphere of menace evaporating. ‘When I told Lothar to bring you here, I thought it was because I wanted to punish you. Now I know I just wanted to look at the woman he cared about enough to lie to me. I wanted to see the two of you together. And when he walked out of that door just now he looked at you in a way I’ve never seen him look at anyone before, as if he truly loves you.’

  ‘He
doesn’t. He said—’

  ‘I doubt he knows it himself, of course,’ Matilda continued. ‘But he does. And if he’s finally found someone to care about, then perhaps I can let him go after all. Just as long as he doesn’t get hurt.’

  ‘I’d never hurt him!’

  ‘Not deliberately, perhaps, but you could and badly. If you’ve managed to open his heart again, then I’m glad of it, but underneath that hard exterior, he’s vulnerable. I can forgive you for everything else, but if you hurt Lothar then I’ll lead an army into Herefordshire myself. I don’t ask you to renounce your oath to Stephen, but I do expect you to put your marriage vows ahead of it. If you have to choose, then I expect you to choose Lothar. Not me, not Stephen, but him. Can you promise me that?’

  ‘Yes, Empress.’ She found herself nodding even before Matilda had finished speaking. ‘But what about Normandy? He says you need him.’

  ‘Typical man.’ Matilda rolled her eyes. ‘I’ll miss him, but I’ll manage. I want him to have a chance at happiness, too. Besides, he’s a stern enough companion at the best of times. I don’t need him acting the lovesick swain as well. Better that he stays here.’

  ‘But...’ Juliana lifted her shoulders and then let them fall again helplessly. ‘What if you’re wrong? What if he really can’t love? What if he doesn’t want to stay with me?’

  ‘Those are risks, but ones worth taking, don’t you think?’ Matilda gave her a pointed look. ‘Come now, I didn’t expect William’s daughter to give up quite so easily. Do you love him or not?’

  ‘It’s not that simple.’

  ‘Well, decide and be certain. If you love Lothar, then take him, but I won’t part with him for less.’

  ‘What do I say to him?’

  Matilda’s gaze softened. ‘If you love him, then you need to be the strong one and tell him. He won’t do it first. Tell him he loves you, too, for pity’s sake. Force some sense into that stubborn head of his.’