A Headphone Actor

by Jin (Shizen no Teki-P)

  This was proving to be no “inspiration” at all. In fact, the distraction was having the exact opposite effect.

  I glared at him, entertaining the idea of forcing him out of the classroom, but the sight of him paying no attention at all to his surroundings drained any anger I had within me.

  No longer interested in my assignments, I propped my head up with my hand as I rolled my mechanical pencil around. Suddenly, a great idea popped into my mind. I rose up, thrust a hand into the bag propped against my desk, and took out my headphones.

  …If I put these on and try to act like I don’t care about him, maybe that’ll throw him enough to stop playing.

  When someone goes into his own little world like that, anyone attempting to do anything with him is doomed to remain alone and unappreciated. And whatever world Haruka was in, it wasn’t this one anymore.

  Fitting the headphones on my head, I plugged the cord into the phone in my pocket.

  I thought a moment about what to listen to, but since nothing in particular came to mind, I turned on the radio app. Light, easy-listening jazz began to play.

  Turned away from Haruka, I put my face on the desk, closing my eyes as I turned my ears toward the music.

  Haruka has to notice this and speak up sooner or later. Then I could fire back with something like “Bother me later! I’m busy listening to the radio!”

  It was the perfect plan. I mentally patted myself on the back as a grin escaped my lips.

  …But, after a few moments, I heard nothing from Haruka.

  For the first few minutes, I serenely refused to think about him, figuring he would talk to me before too much longer.

  But once the minutes went into the teens, I came to realize exactly how impatient I truly was.

  …He’s late. Really late.

  I no longer paid any attention to the peppy jazz playing on the radio, continually fighting the ever-present urge to fling myself back toward Haruka’s direction.

  All too soon, after about twenty minutes, I had reached my limit.

  “Ugh…ugghhhh…this is so borrrrring. I should just go hoooome…”

  I muttered it to myself, not turning around, my last-ditch attempt at resisting the urge.

  The sense of embarrassment in my mind ballooned upon realizing just how childish and embarrassing it sounded.

  Crap. Why am I putting myself through all of this for his sake?

  It’s not like he’s an innocent bystander. In fact, he’s being downright cruel, still ignoring me after all this time.

  Or am I really that unattractive to him…?

  This new inroad my mind laid for me led to an odd sense of anxiety. I was gripped by a desire to check the still-silent Haruka’s facial expression.

  Forgetting my patience at the shock of this sudden impulse, I removed the headphones and turned toward Haruka.

  “Hey! Hellooooo?…Haruka?”

  Back in this world, with the headphones off and the music gone, the only thing I heard was the in-game soundtrack.

  The gunfire had abated, and I couldn’t even hear the sound of Haruka jabbing away at the controller.

  —Haruka was slumped in his seat, hands spread downward, head flopped to one side…and silent.

  “H-Haruka!!”

  In a flash, I realized this was an emergency. I stood up in a panic as I shook Haruka’s body.

  But he didn’t respond, his body losing its support as if all of his internals had suddenly gone off somewhere.

  My mind went blank. My knees began to shake, and tears began to fall out of pure terror.

  “No…no, you’re kidding me…! H-hey! Someone! Is anybody around?!”

  I shouted out the classroom door as I supported the slumped body of Haruka.

  But there was no response. It was summer break inside a nearly unpopulated school, and the area our classroom was in saw even less foot traffic. I wasn’t going to be that lucky.

  “Please, somebody…Somebody, help…!”

  My brain had already grown incapable of making rational decisions. All I could do was hold Haruka’s slumped body.

  That was because I felt like, if I took my hands off him now, he’d go off somewhere far away, someplace where I’d never see him again.

  “Oh, God…!”

  The moment after I let out that would-be prayer, the classroom door burst open.

  “It’s all right,” said the familiar man dressed in white,

  —as he slowly took a firm grasp on Haruka’s body.

  The hospital waiting room was caught in the grasp of a dark, heavy air.

  Occasionally I could hear nurses scuttling to and fro, startling me every time they did.

  Haruka had been taken to a large general hospital, built on top of a hill several months ago.

  Mr. Tateyama and I sat atop a long bench placed in front of the emergency room.

  The handkerchief I gripped in my hand had long grown heavy with moisture, but the tears kept falling from both of my eyes.

  “Mr. Tateyama…do…do you think Haruka will wake up? Is…is he gonna get better?”

  I threw the question I had thrown at Mr. Tateyama I don’t know how many times before.

  I knew all I was doing was bothering my teacher with it by this point.

  But Mr. Tateyama smiled. “He’s made it this far,” he said as he smiled and gave me a pat on the back. “I’m sure he’ll be fine.”

  I wonder if my grandmother felt this same way, in the waiting room back when I was admitted to whatever hospital that was long ago.

  It felt like you were walking down a tunnel, face turned downward, and the exit was nowhere in sight.

  “I’m sure he’ll be fine.”

  I tried to turn my mind in that direction, but the terror I couldn’t wipe away forced me to imagine the worst despite myself.

  If I had noticed something, anything earlier than I did, maybe Haruka wouldn’t be like this right now.

  Thanks to my idiotic stubbornness, Haruka was now suffering all by himself.

  Maybe, up to the point when he lost consciousness, Haruka was trying to get my help.

  And yet I…I just had to…!

  I had never loathed myself so much before now.

  Tears fell onto the hand holding my handkerchief, forming streams across my fingers as they made their way downward.

  —No. Someone like me, someone incapable of doing anything, had no right to be near Haruka, no right to worry about him.

  What could I possibly say to Haruka when he wakes up?

  Could I actually forgive myself for saying “I’m glad you’re okay” or “I was worried for you”?

  The only thing that mattered to me was myself. Pretending at a time like this that I always cared about him, passing myself off as some pure and innocent thing in front of the plain facts, was just one step beyond forgiving.

  If Mr. Tateyama hadn’t come for me, I wouldn’t have been able to do anything.

  I was so powerless, so selfish.

  The light on top of the emergency room flipped off.

  The automatic door opened, and Haruka’s doctor, dressed in surgery scrubs, appeared.

  Mr. Tateyama shot upward, running up to the doctor and starting to converse with him about something, but the anxiety and fear within my mind had frozen me to the bench.

  Unable to tell what they were saying, I simply watched the two of them as they spoke.

  “…I see. Well, all right. Do your best.”

  Mr. Tateyama bowed his head. The doctor whispered a few parting words before disappearing down the hallway.

  “Mr. Tateyama…Haruka…!”

  I tugged at the hem of my teacher’s white shirt, my mind still a blank. Mr. Tateyama looked a tad relieved.

  “…He’s still asleep, but I guess they managed to save his life.”

  He thunked himself heavily down next to me.

  The light sweat that covered his forehead dripped down onto his white collar.

  Hearing that brought
me a great sense of relief.

  Haruka was alive. The thought elated me, to the point that nothing else seemed to matter.

  But then my stomach was gripped by an intense pain. Haruka’s smiling face, the familiar image that had etched itself into my mind, felt like something no longer within reach.

  …He might not even want to see me any longer.

  Maybe he hated me. He was suffering in that classroom, and I did nothing to help him.

  If he was awake right now, I wonder what kind of face he would’ve made upon catching sight of me.

  Dwelling on that scenario made me feel completely, frighteningly helpless.

  “Mr. Tateyama…I better go get Haruka’s things…”

  “Mm? Oh, yeah, I guess we left his wallet and phone back there, huh…? You gonna be okay by yourself, though?”

  “I’ll be fine…Just make sure you’re nearby Haruka in case he wakes up.”

  I stood up off the bench and headed for the emergency-room reception office.

  What am I running from here? Whatever it was, I simply had to get away.

  The moment I left the reception area at the end of the hallway, I felt the murky outdoor air surround my body.

  The tears just barely started to come back, now that I was alone, but I put on my headphones—still dangling from my neck—and walked on, not taking a single look back.

  It was already nightfall by the time I reached school.

  The whine of the cicadas had died down compared to the afternoon, the temperature considerably lower from daytime.

  But thanks to my hurried pace on the way to school, the shirt of my uniform was wet with sweat, sticking uncomfortably to my back.

  Changing to my indoor school slippers, I went out into the hallway, heading down the right side into the lab wing.

  The school had grown even quieter than when we left it.

  Give it another hour, and it’d no doubt be completely covered in darkness.

  It was funny to think that nearly a year had passed since that crazy school festival, where we had dozens of people jostling each other up and down this hallway.

  Between all the weird gamer fans clamoring for a match and that ghostlike girl in the morning, that day was a roller-coaster ride from start to finish. It was the day Haruka first got into online gaming, too, not to mention the first time I had a chance to make a female friend. And then…

  “Oh, hey, Takane, haven’t seen you in a while. What’s up?”

  I removed my headphones, startled by the sudden voice.

  Turning around, I found a young woman standing there, bundled up in a red scarf despite the summer weather.

  “Oh! Hi, Ayano. Good to see you. But what’re you doing in school?”

  “Well…” she replied, acting oddly embarrassed.

  I didn’t know what she meant at first, but for someone like Ayano, who wasn’t involved in any extracurricular activities, there’s only one thing she’d be doing in school at a time like this.

  “…Are you in summer school, too, Ayano? Even though you’re a first-year student?”

  “Yeahhh, kind of. My grades are already looking pretty dire, so…”

  She ejected a strained, creepy little chuckle as she stared down on the floor.

  Judging by her dull, lifeless eyes, Ayano wasn’t lying—she must have been in serious academic trouble.

  “…Yeah, I’ve sure been there before.”

  “Oh, yeah, I guess my dad mentioned that you were taking summer classes, too, huh, Takane?”

  …That teacher just has no idea when to keep his mouth shut. It’s not like he has the right to say whatever crosses his mind just because it’s his own daughter.

  “Yeah, uh, better not dwell on it too much, okay? Not like either of us wants to be here, so…Oh, by the way, is he, like, not here today?”

  I looked around the hallway, checking to see if the creep who exuded that weird aura all the time was nearby. But everything seemed clear in that respect.

  “You mean Shintaro? No way. He’s way too smart to be going to something like summer school…”

  Ayano’s voice notably tensed up the moment the conversation turned toward Shintaro. She was beyond easy to read that way.

  “Oh yeah? That smart, huh? That must make it all the tougher for you, I bet…having to deal with that selfish creep all the time.”

  “Huh? Ohhh, he’s not really like that, Takane. He’s really a good guy, once you start talking to him. Just kind of shy, is all.”

  Ayano capped off her evaluation with a grin.

  Oof. With that kind of personality, this girl’s gonna go through a lot of strife in the future. He seemed like nothing but a self-absorbed brat to me, but to her, it must have all seemed cute or something.

  “Really? Huh. Well, it’d be nice if he was a little more friendly and outgoing toward others, at least. You know? He must be really happy, having someone like you nearby to spoil him all day.”

  As I spoke, Ayano’s expression clouded a bit for some reason.

  Perhaps I brought up something I shouldn’t have touched upon?

  That wasn’t my intention at all.

  “…Nah, I wouldn’t be any good for him. He needs someone even more self-absorbed than him, someone with enough energy to pull him toward her. Myself, the best I do is latch on to him from behind. I can’t do anything like that.”

  Ayano squeaked out a laugh and scratched her head as she spoke. I had trouble believing that anyone could be more selfish than that guy. He was headstrong; he thought only about himself; he was frustratingly elusive, never revealing what he really thought about people…Hang on a minute…?

  “Oh, no way…”

  “Huh? What was that?”

  “Wha? N-no! No! Nothing! Just something I thought about! But, anyway, sorry to stop you here, Ayano. Better get back home soon, right?”

  In a mad flurry, I waved my hand in an attempt to drop the topic.

  “Oh, no, I’m glad we got a chance to talk. You know…I was thinking about leaving in a moment, but since we’re here anyway, you wanna maybe go home together?”

  “Well, I kinda can’t…Haruka’s had an episode today. Our teacher’s at the hospital right now, but I have to go and get all his stuff from the classroom…”

  Ayano’s eyebrows arched as she heard this. She bowed courteously in response.

  “Oh! I-I’m sorry I stopped you, then! You better head back as soon as possible, right? Is Haruka doing all right…?”

  “Oh, no problem! He isn’t awake yet, but they said his life isn’t in danger or anything, and Mr. Tateyama’s there for him, so I’m good. Besides…I’d just be in the way over there anyway…”

  The words I blurted out pained me inside, proving to be far more self-deprecating than I intended.

  Why did I have to say that? It’s not like Ayano has anything to do with this.

  “…Is something wrong, Takane? I mean, no way Haruka would think you’re in the way or anything, right?”

  “Yeah, but…I dunno. I’d just feel weird, being near him right now. Really, I almost wish I could just deliver his stuff to the hospital and head home after that…”

  All this pointless moping was even exasperating me by now. This isn’t how I really felt. It couldn’t have been.

  I shot a glance at Ayano, only to find her normal, good-natured expression replaced with one of anger, her cheeks puffed out just a little.

  It was my first encounter with this face, and it startled me.

  “Takane, you’re being far too dishonest with yourself. With your own emotions. You know full well what you really want to do, but you’re pinning the blame on Haruka instead because you’re scared, aren’t you?”

  I was overwhelmed by the sharpness behind Ayano’s glare.

  “N-no, I…”

  “Yes. Yes, it is. You need to see Haruka and tell him how you honestly feel. And also…”

  Ayano began to look disconsolate, as if just remembering something.
<
br />   She took a short breath, giving her time to weave together the rest of the sentence.

  “…There are times you want to tell someone something, but you wind up being too late. That’s not gonna happen if you do it right now. So try to drum up a little courage, okay?”

  Her face returned to its normal serene expression.

  “Ayano…”

  “And, look, if he brushes you off, I got a shoulder you can cry on, you know? I better get going now.”

  I thought I had calmed myself down a bit, but Ayano’s send-off made my face glow red as my emotions swelled back up to the surface.

  I tried to make excuses for myself out of sheer embarrassment, but Ayano was already away, briskly walking over to the shoe lockers.

  “Wait, I…I…Man, she really told me off…”

  I sullenly dropped my head as Ayano left my sight before walking off toward the science storage room.

  …How I honestly feel.

  I had grown so accustomed to trying to cover it up, I honestly had trouble sizing up what I felt, exactly.

  It was too thorny a problem for me. I had no idea what I wanted to do.

  Really, it was fine by me if things could be like they were before—the same classroom, the same day-in, day-out routine.

  So wouldn’t it be best if I didn’t try to make any waves? Just kept quiet and moved forward like I normally would?

  —I could feel the conflict swirl and churn in my heart.

  It’s true. This has happened a million times before.

  And every time, I’d act like this, not telling him anything about my feelings, right up to this moment.

  But is this really the best thing for us…?

  The familiar door to the science storage room stood before me.

  Every day, I’d throw this door open, and another day full of stress and anxiety would unfold.

  I took a breath and opened it up.

  “Morning, Takane!”

  The moment I blinked…I was struck by the feeling he had spoken to me, but all that was in the empty classroom was the abandoned video game and the mountain of study guides we had left on our desks.

  My heart beat loudly and clearly in my mind.

  Perhaps this was what I was searching for the whole time.