A Headphone Actor

by Jin (Shizen no Teki-P)

  “No! Of course not! I don’t really know why, but since a while back, she’s just been living in my computer…I don’t know who she is or where she came from. She won’t tell me anything, even when I ask her.”

  That failed to answer any of Kano’s queries, but he nodded in approval nonetheless.

  “I see…So it’s, like, one of those things, huh? You kept pestering Ene about her private past, and then she got angry about it. Right…?”

  “No! What’re you even asking me?! I don’t remember saying anything like that! I don’t care about her past. If she doesn’t wanna talk about it…”

  I poked at Kano for his utterly misunderstanding the point. “Hey, just joking, just joking!” he said as he guffawed to himself and slapped my back.

  How could I describe this feeling? It’s like if you joined this school club, and one of the guys running it is such a pain in the ass around you that you wind up leaving the club in the space of a few days. Exactly like that.

  “Hey, hey, let’s try not to make this an argument…Oh, you’re almost out of water, Shintaro! Let me go buy some more for you!”

  I didn’t notice until he pointed it out, but the bottle of water I carried was almost empty.

  “Oh, that’s fine. I’ll go buy it myself…”

  It’d bother me to get cared for like this all day, so I tried to stand up, only to be pulled back down by Seto.

  “No, no, I don’t mind! Just try to get a little rest, okay? I wanted to get a drink for myself, besides.”

  He flashed a warm smile, like he was acting out some lame soft-drink ad, and hurried off.

  “Hey, wait! At least let me…give you some money…”

  I hurriedly took my wallet out of my pocket, but Seto, already a decent distance away, waved at me and shouted, “I’ll get it from you later!” before disappearing into the crowd.

  “That’s Seto for you, huh? Always running at full blast.”

  Kano let out a long, unhurried yawn and crossed his arms behind his head again.

  I fell silent, not particularly interested in further conversation. If I spoke to him, he’d probably use that as the seed for yet another massive gabfest. That game was getting seriously old to me by now, so I wanted to avoid communicating with him as much as possible if I could.

  That, in turn, reminded me of yesterday, when we were both sitting next to each other as hostages.

  Even in a life-threatening situation, Kano had been completely relaxed, much as he was now.

  Momo mentioned to me that everyone in the Mekakushi-dan was younger than I am.

  There was something childish, it had to be said, about the entire group taking an off day to visit a theme park.

  But given the way they dispatched those terrorists as a team, and given all the unique “abilities” each one apparently had, this was a lot more than just some clique of silly teens.

  —But what does this group even do? And why did they come together in the first place?

  They told me that, until Marie joined up, the group was only three people: Kido, Seto, and Kano.

  Now they were at seven, counting myself. And, except for myself, they all had some kind of special ability, or force, or whatever.

  Generally speaking, everyone in the group followed the orders of Kido, their boss.

  …Aaaand, that was about all I knew.

  Ene and Momo didn’t indicate to me that they cared much at all about this group’s activities, but given that they both had had severe deficiencies when it came to critical thought, I couldn’t rely on their judgment.

  With that in mind, the way we all joined this group of mystery kids and immediately hit it off without knowing anything previously struck me as oddly dangerous.

  It hadn’t been that long, but as much as I’ve interacted with them, they didn’t seem like bad people. Seeing them honestly and empathically take Momo’s side and worry about her “ability,” something I’d never been able to help her with, struck me as the makings of a true friendship.

  I didn’t want to face the prospect that the group’s chief mission was profiteering through some kind of illegal activity.

  There was also the fact that, for some unknown reason, the people in this gang knew an eerie amount about these “abilities.”

  Momo knew that she had started to stick out of the crowd a lot somewhere along the line, but neither she nor I knew exactly when this started to happen, nor what could have caused it.

  But the way they talked about it, it was almost as if they knew everything about her ability.

  And what does that mean about them? Who are they, anyway…?

  “Here ya go, Shintaro! One fresh water for you!”

  As I was lost in serious thought, trying to unravel the mystery of the Mekakushi-dan, Seto bounced a bottle of water straight off my neck.

  “Yeeaagh!! You scared me! Eesh…You could’ve waited, you know! Didn’t you see how I was looking all serious and stuff?!”

  “Eh? Oh, well, sorry about that. You just kinda left yourself wide open and all, so…”

  Seto flashed me a beaming, totally guileless smile and raised a thumb into the air.

  “Wide open? What are you, an MMA fighter?! Ugh, now I’ve completely forgotten what I was thinking about. Ergh…ah, well. Anyway…”

  I now felt a deep, overwhelming sinking feeling in my stomach, as intense as my thinking process a moment ago. I’m probably not well suited for being the “grimdark” member of the gang.

  “Aw, c’mon, Shintaro! Gotta enjoy yourself while you’re here, right? How ’bout I join you in a little roller-coaster training session?”

  I had no idea what indicated to him that there was any chance I’d take him up on the offer, but for some reason, his eyes were blazing like a gasoline fire.

  Kano, meanwhile, muttered, “You need to train for that by the time you hit eighteen…?” before breaking into a spasm of loud laughter.

  “Forget it! I’m not riding that thing again. Not in this life, anyway…You don’t have to hang out with me or anything, though. Go do whatever you like…”

  I concluded to myself that nothing good would happen to me as long as I stuck with these guys.

  But he was right. I made it this far. Might as well enjoy a little “me” time while I’m here.

  But hang on. Ene was over on Momo’s phone right now. If I had any chance to be truly by myself for a change…

  “—This is it!”

  The moment it crossed my lips, my mind suddenly burned with the overpowering desire to be alone.

  As it should. When you think about it, I’ve been constantly, constantly pestered by Ene this whole time. I haven’t had a true moment to myself in ages.

  In fact, maybe I should take this chance to spread my wings and focus fully on myself. The opportunity was here.

  My mind made up, I leaped off of the bench.

  Kano twitched upward in surprise, eyeing me suspiciously.

  “Hmm? What’s up? What’s got into you all of a sudden, Shintaro? Having a heart attack?”

  “What? No! Why would I have that? I just thought I’d wander around a bit by myself! Alone! Sorry! See you!”

  With that, I briskly walked off and waded my way into the crowd.

  Jostling my way through the waves of people, I kept going until I was reasonably sure I was out of sight.

  I did it…! I managed to snare some time completely alone, and in the most unexpected of places.

  Ah, how long had it been since I enjoyed any truly private time like this?

  Thanks to Ene, every moment of my life that I didn’t spend bathing or on the toilet was spent in constant fear of something.

  If I lay down to sleep, she’d jar me awake. If I went on the net, she’d put up obstacles in my way. If I tried visiting some of the “gentlemen’s sites” I was fond of, she tattled on me to my sister…

  —But today, I had finally been released from my curse.

  I resisted the urge to scream “Woo-hoooooo
ooo!!” with all my might as I took another look around.

  With a theme park like this, surrounded by natural beauty on all sides, it’d be easy to find someplace to take a nice nap or something. Wait—if she’s not around, I could even play around on the net all I want!

  Ahhhh…Heaven on earth. I’m so happy I came here today…!

  The world is truly full of wonder. And this is going to be one damn wonderful day. I could feel it.

  This must be a present handed down from God above to reward all the effort I’ve gone through to—

  “Uh, hey…”

  Hey, quiet down. I’m really enjoying myself right now. Don’t talk to me.

  Ahhhh, what a brilliant day this—!

  “Hello? Can you hear me, Shintaro?”

  —Being referred to by name immediately brought me back down to earth.

  The sheer sense of release I felt had almost made me take a step into a dangerous world, but that voice was kind enough to stop me from proceeding any further.

  …Who was it?

  I swiveled my head around, only to find a girl with instantly recognizable fluffy white hair standing in front of me, tears in her eyes.

  “…Why are you ignoring me…?”

  “Huh? Ah, ahhhhh, sorry, sorry! Umm…hey, Marie, no crying, okay? Okay?”

  Marie was looking extremely out of sorts. Was this just because I didn’t respond to her at first? I apologized quickly enough, but Marie’s face remained offput, tears still gathering in her eyes.

  “W-what’re you looking so angry for…? Is there something wrong?”

  Marie gave a single nod in response, pointing to the right of me.

  There stood a gigantic sign reading THE GREAT ICE LABYRINTH, one of the theme park’s main attractions. Next to it loomed a massive building made up to resemble a frozen castle.

  “That? What about that? …Did you want to go in?”

  Marie feverishly nodded the moment I finished speaking.

  …To be honest, all I wanted to do was tell her “Well, get going, then” and walk off. Why do I have to have my precious free time eaten up by this children’s attraction?

  At least, the me from a little while ago would’ve done that.

  But! If I said that to this kid right now, she’d probably burst into tears.

  …And I knew what would follow after that. It was simple. To any bystander, I’d look like some deranged deviant about to commit a terrible act of violence on this poor, defenseless girl.

  I could picture the security guards carting me off already. The ensuing news reports would be plastered with my face, not to mention the keywords “dropout,” “unemployed,” “shut-in”…

  And once things went that far, I was as good as dead in this society.

  There’d be no talking my way out of it.

  “…All right, Marie. Would that make you happy, if we went in together?”

  “Yeah! I wanna go in! Can you come with me?”

  Marie’s face instantly brightened up, her clouded pink eyes now sparkling like flares as they took me in.

  It goes without saying that the sight was enough to make the heart of Shintaro, man, shut-in, and above all virgin, skip a beat.

  Dammit…I never had a chance.

  But, luckily for me, I already boasted a completely full skill set.

  There were just no free slots left to insert the “lolicon” skill into, sadly.

  So much for that upgrade.

  We’ll talk again once my “virgin” skill times out, though…

  —And so, with a guilt-free conscience, I joined Marie in line for the Great Ice Labyrinth.

  It wasn’t that popular an attraction, it turned out, and judging by the size of the line, it wouldn’t take too long to get in.

  But something still bothered me. Ever since I…had lost…uh, my lunch, the women in our group had been sticking to themselves, hadn’t they?

  They hadn’t gotten into a…fight, had they? Because if they did, one look at Marie was all it took to believe there were a lot of tears going around.

  “Hey, Marie, where’s everyone else? How come you’re all by yourself?”

  “Me? Oh, uh, well, we took another ride on the roller coaster after that, but I got separated because I was standing in another line.”

  Marie looked away from me as she spoke, staring at the pamphlet she picked up at the entrance instead.

  Looking down at the pamphlet, I saw that she was drawing circles with a red pen on the attractions she wanted to visit.

  …I-I had no idea she could be so proactive like that. She wanted to hit every ride in the park, even if she had to go solo.

  In my mind, I pictured her wailing “I don’t wanna go on that unless we all go together” and so forth. Witnessing the truth shattered that image pretty quickly. It was a bit of a shock.

  “Oh? Well, Momo’s safe with Kido, I guess…but why’re you so intent on me joining you on this attraction?”

  Marie, still deeply focused on the pamphlet, didn’t reply. Instead she pointed at a sign near the entrance.

  Following her finger with my eyes, I saw a notice posted reading COUPLES ONLY.

  Ah. Makes sense. Some of the attractions weren’t meant for solo visitors, I guess.

  I figured something like this had to be reason for the invite…but, again, learning the truth was still a bit of a shock.

  The line slowly kicked into gear, and by the time we were next up, even I was starting to get a little excited.

  I couldn’t guess how many years it’s been since my last visit to an amusement park.

  …It goes without saying, too, that this is my first chance to visit an attraction with a member of the opposite sex.

  I took a glance down at Marie. She had already closed the pamphlet, unable to hide her excitement at having the castle walls within arm’s reach.

  “This…this is gonna be a big labyrinth, right, Shintaro? We’d better drink some tea right now, just in case, right…?!”

  “Huh? Well, sure. Just in case, huh?”

  Marie took a bottle out from the purse on her shoulder, gave me a nod, and started to drink.

  She’s got a lot of quirks, but I guess she’s really a pure, honest girl at heart…oh, but still…

  Dammit…! Get out of my mind, you stupid “lolicon” skill! I said that I didn’t need you!!

  “Next couple, please!”

  The booth attendant opened the door to the attraction.

  Chilly air from inside burst out from the door, landing on our faces.

  While I was distracted, I guess our turn came up.

  I shook away the cobwebs and looked down at Marie. Just as I expected, she was freaking out, too excited to even figure out how to close her water bottle.

  “Whoa, Marie. You can put the cap on once we go inside. Don’t want to keep the people behind us waiting…”

  “All, all right…”

  Marie, attention successfully diverted, zoomed through the door.

  I followed after, only to find myself rewarded with a surprisingly well-designed and convincing ice maze.

  The corridors, lined with icicles large and small, made it feel like some kind of RPG dungeon, something from another world.

  The frigid air around us, chillier than what I was picturing, quickly cooled down our sunbaked bodies.

  It had to be below zero, by my estimate.

  “Whoa! Pretty cold, huh? I know how hot you get all the time, Marie, so it must…”

  The unbelievable sight before me stopped me midsentence.

  We had only been inside for a few seconds, but Marie was already shivering, the blood drained from her face, her hand still on the bottle.

  “It…it-t-t-t’s…c-c-c-collldddd…I’m g-g-gonna d-d-d-dieeeee…”

  “…Uh, what did you even come in here for?”

  I was dumbfounded. That’s…really how cold she gets?

  So why did she even choose this attraction in the first place, then?

 
; “I…I, I didn’t th-th-think it’d be this c-c-cold…”

  “……”

  We hadn’t even rounded the first corner of the maze, but in her own way, Marie was already about to pass the finish line.

  “Oh, come on, it’s not cold enough to freeze you to death that fast! Here, let me have that bottle, okay? I don’t want you dropping it on the ground.”

  The bottle in Marie’s shivering hand was liable to slip away at any moment.

  The cap was still open, meaning the contents would all spill out the moment it hit the floor.

  And with the AC cranked up as high as it was, any liquid spilled on the floor would freeze on the spot, causing huge headaches for the other visitors.

  “O-okay. Th-th-thank…ah…ahh-choooo !!”

  But with Marie’s mighty sneeze, the tea in the bottle rained down anyway—right on my head, bent slightly forward as I stooped over to grab the bottle.

  “—Gaaaaahhhhh!!”

  I jumped back in fright at the unexpected turn of events.

  Getting doused with cold tea in this temperature transformed the maze into a frozen hell in a matter of moments.

  “Wh-wh-what did you…Ahhh…ah…sssssso c-c-c-cold…”

  My entire body began to shiver in response to the sudden drop in internal temperature.

  “Ee-e-eek…! I, I’m sorry, I’m sorry! Uh, something to wipe with, something to wipe with…”

  Like an old woman looking for a breath mint in her purse, Marie fished out a virtual arsenal of random junk from her pouch. I could feel the tea absorbed by my hoodie start to freeze.

  “Aaaaaaahggghghhh!! My hoodie…My hoooooodiiiieeeee!!”

  “Agghh!! I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m…”

  It was a disaster. Marie and I had to give up on the maze in the end, but once we were out the door, she disappeared before I could even yell at her.

  “Man, she’s a lot different from how I pictured her at first. A lot more…well, you know…”

  I had no doubt she was already getting worked up all over again in anticipation for the next attraction.

  Left alone once more, I wandered around the park in search of something to drink.

  That little unexpected anomaly had traumatized me, yes, but now I could fully enjoy my free, unhindered private time for—