by Isabel Morin
“Only if I think about it, which I try not to do.”
“Funny. That’s how I cope with most things.”
Was he trying to tell her something, or just making idle conversation?
She was shivering now. Abandoning her towel she picked her swim wrap off a lounge chair and pulled it on. Now she was marginally more modest, though the blue terry cloth clung to her breasts and thighs. She slid her feet into flip flops.
“I need to shower, then I’ll meet you in the lobby and we can head to the radio station.”
He nodded and turned to go, then seemed to change his mind. “Will sent Heidi to me last night. Gave her my room number and everything.”
“Oh. That was…nice of him.”
“No, it wasn’t. You may have noticed the guy doesn’t go out of his way to do me favors. He must have seen us leave together and worried something would happen.”
That certainly squared with what she knew of Will, especially after the drive today.
“That’s pretty low,” she said, at a loss. “I’d say I can’t believe it, but I suppose I can.”
“Yeah, well, I just wanted you to know that. Also, I didn’t sleep with her.”
She kept her expression from betraying the relief that washed over her. “It wouldn’t have been my business if you had.”
“Maybe not, but the whole thing was pretty tacky.”
“I won’t argue with that,” she said. “Are tours always this petty and prone to drama?”
“You haven’t seen anything, honey,” he said, his smile breaking through at last, the effect hot enough to dry every last drop of water on her. “We might as well be in high school.”
“In that case, I’ll save you a spot on the bus tomorrow.”
He was still smiling as he pushed through the door and out into the hallway, disappearing from view.
***
The next day Jesse was leaning against her car, arms crossed, his chin on his chest. His hair hid his face, but he was either sleeping or trying to. She hit the unlock button on her key and the car beeped, making him jump upright. It took him a second to focus, but when he did he gave her a lazy smile more suited to a bedroom than a parking lot at noon.
She felt herself flush and only hoped he was too out of it to notice. “Hey, there. Have you been waiting long?”
“Naw, just a couple minutes. But I can sleep anywhere.” He grabbed a paper cup from the roof of her car. “Brought you a coffee.”
“Oh, wow. Thanks. That’s so nice of you.”
She took a tentative sip and found it was just the way she liked it, one sugar and a little cream. She smiled her pleasure and took another sip.
“Don’t think I haven’t been paying attention,” he said, giving her a raised eyebrow. He stashed his guitar and bags in the car. “Why don’t you let me drive today. You enjoy the…”
He trailed off, his eyes getting hard, and she didn’t have to turn around to know Will had come out.
“Hey, Will,” she said, trying to sound casual.
His eyes darted between her and Jesse. “You left early last night. Where’d you go?”
Clearly he was trying to get a handle on whether anything had happened between them.
“I was just tired and I had a lot to do this morning,” she said.
Jesse remained silent, giving away nothing.
Will’s shoulders eased out of their hunch, like maybe he’d decided to believe there was nothing to worry about. “Right. Well, I guess I’ll talk to you later. If Jesse doesn’t need you, that is,” he said, sparing a dark glance Jesse’s way before heading to the van a few spots over.
Jesse glared after him. “If he bothers you, you tell me and I’ll take care of it.”
“I’m sure that won’t be necessary.”
“Beth.”
“Okay, yes, I’ll tell you.”
Stu came out a minute later and she conferred with him a few minutes. Finally she and Jesse were on their way, everyone else’s issues and idiosyncrasies falling away behind them.
Not that she was rid of Will altogether. As expected he came up to her that night at the after party.
“You know, if Jesse bothers you, you can tell Stu. You don’t have to do everything he says. I mean, just because he wants to ride with you every day doesn’t mean you can’t say no.
“It’s fine, Will,” she said, trying to contain her exasperation. “Jesse’s not forcing me to do anything.”
She wasn’t sure if he believed her, though. He seemed bent on thinking she only spent time with Jesse because she had to, and she didn’t feel like spelling it out for him. Luckily there wasn’t much time for him to bother her, since she was either running around before the show, in the middle of a crowd of people, or in the car with his arch nemesis.
Jesse caught a cold after Olympia and his voice started to go, which meant no singing with him in the car. He spoke as little as possible, too, which was too bad. She’d gotten used to hearing his stories, but just sitting next to him was more fun than anything else she could think of.
She bought a box of Throat Coat tea and made him drink it before his performances in Seattle and Spokane, ignoring his scowls since she was pretty sure he secretly liked being fussed over. He even seemed to heed her advice and drank less alcohol and more water. He was too run-down to show her around Seattle, but she spent a few hours before the show walking around Pike’s Place.
It wasn’t until they were on their way to Missoula that he reached back over the seats and pulled out his guitar. He had to hold it at a weird angle so that the head stock was sticking up near her shoulder, but somehow he managed. He spent a few minutes tuning it before pulling a pick out of his pocket and starting the song they’d practiced together.
She was so flustered she didn’t even sing.
“What’s the matter?”
“Nothing. I just thought we were done with that.”
“Why would you think that?”
This was clearly a rhetorical question, since Jesse immediately began singing. She came in like she was supposed to, because after all this was easy and fun and her heart grew light as their voices blended together. They were both smiling when they’d finished.
“We’ll try this out at soundcheck tonight,” he said, like it was a done deal. “If all the kinks are worked out I’ll put it on the set list.”
Her hands tightened on the steering wheel. “Are you crazy? I can’t sing with you. I’ll be terrified.”
“Well, sure. But terror’s only part of it. The other part is the crazy high you get.”
“Maybe you get high. I’ll probably faint.”
“I went to a record store before we left today and I found some great vinyl, including that Waylon Jennings album, ‘Leather and Lace.’ I’ve been looking for it for ages, and today I finally found it.”
“That’s great.”
“It’s also a sign.”
“A sign of what?”
“That you should sing with us.”
“You’re laying it on kind of thick, aren’t you?”
“Come on, honey. It’ll be fun and it’d mean a lot to me. And if you hate it, that’ll be that. I won’t bother you anymore.”
She didn’t say anything right away, but she was a goner and she knew it. Was there any woman who could resist that plea? He probably called every female he met “honey,” but when he said it to her, her whole body answered yes.
“Okay, I’ll sing at soundcheck. But I’m not promising anything,” she said, her voice stern, as if that would prove she wasn’t a pushover.
He beamed at her. “I knew you’d do it.”
Her heart thudded hard once, then twice. She pushed his guitar away. “Careful with that thing. You keep poking me with it.”
“Aw, that’s what all the girls say.”
***
Usually she helped move the gear into a club, took a few pictures, set up the table, and caught up on band email or social media updates. Sometimes she made a run to a liquor
store. But not today. Today she’d been dumb enough to agree to sing.
They’d just set up and were going through the usual routine when Jesse told the band he wanted to run through all of “Better Off.”
Will scowled at him. “Seriously? We’ve never even played that outside of rehearsal.”
“No kidding. But I’ve tinkered with it and think it’s ready now. Is that a problem?” Jesse asked, his eyes hard.
Everyone in the band tensed, watching the two men. Beth’s heart started hammering away in her chest and for some reason she felt guilty, like it was her fault. But whether it was or not, she was at least part of the reason for the tension between Will and Jesse.
Finally Will looked away. “Whatever,” he muttered. “Let’s just get on with it.”
Wait until he found out she’d be singing with them. She closed her eyes and did breathing exercises, in and out slowly, letting her lungs expand. She was just singing, that was all. She hadn’t promised anything except to give it a try. She could still back out.
“You ready, Beth?” Jesse called.
Will’s head snapped up. “What does she have to do with it?”
“We’re gonna try it with her singing harmony,” Jesse replied, his answer clipped, a clear signal it wasn’t up for discussion.
“Huh? Since when does Beth sing?” Matt asked, looking bewildered.
“We’ve been practicing, and she’s a great singer,” Jesse said.
Beth wished for the stage to open up and swallow her.
Will wasn’t backing down. “You could have said something.”
“I just fucking did. Can we get on with it?” he asked, glaring around at everyone.
Brian shrugged. “Sure, man. Let’s do it.”
Jesse turned back to Beth, his glare turning to an encouraging smile. She looked at Will, who was glaring back at her, then at Brian and Matt. They seemed more curious than anything. Stu was frowning off to the side, but he didn’t say a word. This was Jesse’s show.
Beth set down her phone, which she’d been using to take pictures, and walked up the steps to the stage, stopping when she was next to Jesse. Her entire body was shaking, her stomach clenching as she looked out to where several hundred people would be watching tonight. People who paid to see Jesse, not some temporary assistant road manager who didn’t know what she was doing.
Jesse set a microphone in front of her and adjusted it to the right height. “Relax, honey. We’re just singing like we did in the car, all right?”
She released a breath, nodding her understanding. Brian counted off and the band kicked in. Then Jesse started to sing, and suddenly she was enveloped in the whole sound, surrounded and flooded by the music.
It threw her off a bit, having only heard the song with Jesse’s guitar, but once she focused in on him she knew where she was supposed to be. She came in on cue, though her voice shook and sounded kind of reedy. It also took her a minute to get the hang of how to sing into the mic, so they were halfway through the song before she found her footing.
Jesse sang right to her so that it was like a conversation between lovers and they were playing off each other. The sound of the whole band playing together carried her along, lifting her up and setting her back down.
Jesse’s guitar was the last instrument playing, and then that too faded into silence.
“Holy shit,” Brian said.
“I know, right?” Jesse said, beaming all around, then at her. He pulled her close in a one-armed hug and planted a smacking kiss on her cheek. “Don’t even try to tell me you can’t do this.”
The guys were all talking now, sounding excited, though when Beth glanced over, Will still looked sullen. There wasn’t time to worry about it, though, because Jesse wanted to run through it again. Everything came together again even easier than before. She looked only at Jesse, letting him lead her into the song, watching him for cues, and they blended perfectly, as tight as they’d been singing together in her car.
Then it was over, and she stood in the silence between the song and whatever came after that, as dazed as if she’d woken up from a long dream. Then someone clapped, the sound a jolt back into reality.
The club’s manager came forward, a huge grin splitting his face. “That was awesome. You’re gonna kill tonight. I only wish I’d been able to get you guys for two nights.”
“Thanks, man,” Jesse said. “It’s good to be back.”
Stu stood in front of the stage, arms crossed at his chest, his expression unreadable. He didn’t look the least bit pleased with that he’d heard. What if he was angry she’d blurred the lines of her position? She should have mentioned this to him before, but she’d assumed Jesse would take care of it.
Jesse looked over at him. “What do you think? It’s good right?”
“It works. When will you play it?”
Before Jesse could reply Beth jumped in. “Can I get it over with early on?” she asked, her voice breaking like some nervous prepubescent boy. So much for her great pipes. “If I have to wait too long I might lose it.”
“Sure. We’ll do it early on in the first set. Maybe fourth or fifth. I’ll work on the set list.”
“Fine, then,” Stu said. “Let’s finish up here so we can eat.”
Beth left the stage to the band and grabbed her phone, uploading the new photos. Like always she took care of all the little things that needed doing, but in the background her mind continually spun, trying to compute what would happen tonight. She couldn’t imagine it, couldn’t even visualize herself making that long walk to the stage.
When she was a kid and she used to try to picture certain things happening, maybe a fun trip that was coming up, or her part in a school play. They were usually things that she looked forward to and feared in equal measure. Oftentimes her poor over-taxed brain couldn’t conjure images of what the event would be like, probably because as a kid she had no context for some of the new experiences she was going through. But some weird, dark part of her decided it was because she’d be dead by then.
She never told that to anyone, aware of how morbid and bizarre it was. She’d both believed it and also knew it to be ludicrous, especially as she did survive and lived through all the events, and they were never as scary or exotic as she imagined they’d be.
But tonight the idea that she’d be getting up on stage in front of hundreds of people and singing was so out of the range of possibility her brain went dark at the thought. So maybe this time she really would bite it before the big moment, in which case she had nothing to worry about.
She forced herself to eat a few bites of fried chicken she’d brought back for everyone. The guys talked around her and she tried to participate in order to not think about what was ahead, but as usual they were talking about stuff she didn’t know a thing about. Opening acts, other gigs they’d played, dumb things they’d done while drunk.
Jesse caught her eye a couple times and smiled, as if to reassure her, but all she could manage was a tight smile back. By the time they were done eating she was wound so tight, you could have bounced a quarter on her.
She was mulling over the various ways she could screw up when Jesse came over with a beer.
“Here, have this. It’ll take the edge off.”
“No, thanks. I need to stay sharp. I don’t want to screw up.”
“Honey, there’s a good reason musicians drink, and the state of your nerves is one of them. A couple beers won’t kill you.”
She stared at the beer, unsure.
“There are decades of empirical research behind me on this.”
She huffed out a laugh and grabbed the bottle. “Fine, you win. Got any valium while we’re at it?”
“You’re gonna be great, Beth,” he said, suddenly serious. “I wouldn’t have you get up on stage if I wasn’t dead sure of that.”
She hadn’t thought of it that way. Of course he didn’t want a train wreck during his show, so he must really believe in her. On the other hand, his faith seemed
misguided, and yet another reason for her to freak out. Screwing up would not only wreck the show, it would let him down.
“I don’t know why you’re so sure of that.”
“Hey, I’m the expert here, right? So trust me. You’re ready. If this shit was rocket science, none of us would be up there.”
She made a face at him, but he’d made her feel better. She took a long pull of her beer and let out a sigh. “You don’t have to babysit me. I’ll be fine, especially now that I have orders to drink.”
“My work here is done,” he said, squeezing her arm once before heading backstage.
She listened to the opening act, a cute young guy named Max, do his soundcheck, all the while working on her second beer and responding to tweets on behalf of the band. The social media thing was kind of a never-ending job but she liked feeling that she was helping fans connect.
She was just finishing her beer and debating a third when Jesse came over.
“Feel like taking a walk?” he asked.
She was feeling slightly calmer now, the panic diluted by alcohol.
“Sure, it’s a nice night,” she agreed.
“We’ll be back in a bit,” Jesse called to the room in general, leading her out of the main room, down a hallway and out a back door until they stood in the dusky light of early evening.
The club they were playing tonight was smallish compared to the other places they’d been so far, but they were just a few blocks west of the university and Stu predicted the house would be packed. If she hadn’t been about to perform she should have been pleased to hear it, but as it was she would have been happier if no one showed.
Missoula wasn’t what she’d expected. It was pretty boring, actually, flat and laid out in a grid, though the mountains circled the town like wagons around a campfire, protective and comforting in the distance. A few blocks north of the club they came to a river that split the town in two. Along the banks the trees displayed their fall foliage splendor, glowing burnt umber and buttery gold.
“Wow, this is gorgeous,” she breathed. “I had no idea we were so close to something this pretty.”
Crossing a bike path they sat on a bench and watched the river flow by. Beth shivered as the wind picked up.
