Taming Rough Waters

by Samantha Wolfe

  "Calder," she called out to me.

  I ignored her as her soft fingertips slid caressingly down my arm. It felt so good, so comforting, but I refused to let it lure me back to her. She'd just hurt me again.

  "Calder." Her voice was a bare and fading whisper now.

  The fingers glided farther down my arm as she began to slip away, but then abruptly stopped at my elbow, stilling over my scars and the undeniable proof of my weakness as a human being.

  "Oh, Calder," she whispered in a sorrowful and sympathetic tone that jolted me to the core.

  That was when I realized that the voice was no longer in my dream. It was very real now, and I was no longer asleep. I opened my eyes to the bright light of morning and found myself staring up at an unfamiliar popcorn ceiling and lying in a strange bed. I looked over to see Ella sitting up next to me with a cream-colored sheet pulled up to cover her breasts. She was staring at my left elbow with a shocked and disbelieving expression as her fingers traced lightly over the old scars I'd never wanted her to see. Well, fuck.

  I didn't mean to stay the night with her, and I didn't mean to have sex with her either, but here we were. When I realized I couldn't resist her, I took control of the situation, thinking I could get her out of my system for good this time, then leave before the light of morning, so she wouldn't see the scars. So much for that idea.

  The sex had been amazing, the best I ever had. It wrung me so dry that I'd basically passed out with her in my arms and slept the whole night through. Something I rarely did, thanks to my frequent battles with insomnia. Considering I had a raging hard-on just from lying here next to her too, I hadn't gotten her out of my system either, not even close. I closed my eyes and sighed in resignation.

  "Calder?" she said softly as her fingers fell away from my skin, leaving behind an inexplicable and unwanted sense of loss that pissed me off.

  "What?" I asked tersely as I opened my eyes to frown up at her.

  Her body stiffened, and her lips pressed together as she gripped the sheet tighter against her chest. She turned away from me toward the side of the bed, but not before I saw the hurt that flashed across her beautiful steel blue eyes, and it gutted me. What was it about seeing her hurting that affected me that way? What was it that made me want to comfort this woman who had hurt me so badly? Why did I lust after her so much that I couldn't keep my hands off of her? None of it made any sense to me, and I didn't like it, but it didn't change the fact that I couldn't see her upset and do nothing.

  I sat up and reached over to touch her shoulder gently. "Ella," I said softly and apologetically.

  "When did you start using?" she asked in a quiet and subdued tone without turning to look at me. She wasn't naive. Anyone who grew up in The Armpit like we did, knew exactly what those scars meant. Drug use had been rampant there. Hell, it still was.

  I dropped my hand and huffed out a breath as my mind whirled. Part of me wanted to lie to spare her feelings. A darker and pettier part of me wanted her to know exactly what she did to me. I wanted her to know how much she hurt me when she walked out on me all those years ago, and what her leaving turned me into. The petty part of me won.

  "Twelve years ago," I answered with a cutting edge of bitterness.

  Her head fell forward, and her entire body seemed to curl in on itself as she began to shake with soft sobs. My chest ached to see it.

  "Was it...was it h...heroin?" came her whispered question.

  "Yes," I replied quietly as the bitterness gave way to sudden shame. "I've been clean for eight years now."

  She wasn't the one to blame for me becoming a drug addict. I was, and it wasn't fair to try to lay it on her. No matter who caused the pain I was trying to smother, or who offered me that very first hit of heroin, there was no one else responsible for my decision to shoot up that first time but me. And even though I was clean now, I'd been paying for that lapse in judgment ever since.

  "Leaving you was the worst mistake I ever made," she whimpered softly. "I've been paying for it ever since if it makes you feel any better." She sniffled and wiped some of the tears from her eyes. "Just like I deserve," she added so quietly that I barely caught it.

  As I watched her cry, I thought of that photo Scott showed me of Ella with her husband, of the cowed and defeated look on her face in it. She looked so lost and alone, so broken in that image, just like right now. No, she didn't deserve that. No one did. What all did that bastard do to her? Righteous anger hit me hard, and I let out a low growl. I was glad Raymond Voss died, and I hoped to God it was painful. I could tell from just one picture that he was a piece of shit, even before Ella told me he was a monster.

  A sudden urge to comfort her took over my mind again. I unconsciously reached out to her, ignoring how my heart rate spiked as my hand touched the soft ivory skin of her gorgeous back. She flinched away as I caressed her, and cried even harder. Enough was enough, and I couldn't take it anymore. I grabbed her and lifted her over into my lap before she had a chance to protest. She fought my hold on her as I pulled her in close to me.

  "Ella, stop," I said calmly, yet firmly.

  She struggled for only a moment more before finally settling and curling in against me. Her arms latched around my neck, and she buried her face into my neck. She was warm and soft in my arms, her clean citrus scent smelling so familiar, so good to me. She wiggled closer, and I was suddenly acutely aware of her bare breasts against my bare chest and her warm naked ass rubbing against my still erect cock. Well, fuck. I closed my eyes and laid my cheek on her head as I tried to will my arousal away. That wasn't what she needed right now.

  "It's not your fault I chose to put that poison in my body," I said with quiet certainty.

  "Yes, it is," she sobbed out, her tears wetting my chest.

  "No," I growled out sternly. "It is not."

  She raised her head and looked up at me with stricken red-rimmed eyes. "I drove you to it."

  I closed my eyes as the memories of the days that followed after she left me filled my head. It was all a hazy cloud of confusion, loss, and unbearable pain. At the time, I'd hated her, yet still loved her. I'd wanted her back even though she tore open my heart. I hated myself for that, and it fed the already well-established pain and self-loathing I'd been carrying since learning at sixteen that I was a child of rape. I turned to alcohol then because I didn't know how to cope with it. I'd never been shown any other way. I grew up watching my mother deal with her pain by turning to booze and heroin. I wondered why I didn't start using heroin sooner, then opened my eyes again to see the reason why. Ella.

  Even after all this time, I still saw the woman I once loved, the woman who pulled me up out of the darkness and into warm blissful light. She had been my reason for being, my reason for everything. She was my salvation, my future, but then she left me. She walked away and let me fall back into the abyss, and I'd dealt with it the only way I knew how at the time. I felt an undeniable pull toward her even now, a sharp tug on my shriveled heart that promised things that could never be. Just like heroin, it was a craving that would only lead to more pain, and be the end of me. She still had a hold on me, and I needed to walk away now before I gave in, before it was too late.

  Suddenly, Ella's warm hand was on my cheek, her gaze swimming with pain, guilt, and remorse. "I'm so sorry, Cal," she whispered quaveringly. "For everything."

  "I know," I whispered back as my eyes moved down to her lips.

  The temptation was too strong, the craving more than I could manage to stave off, and I gave in and kissed her. I couldn't help myself. I just wanted one more taste, one more hit, and then I'd quit for good. I knew they were the rationalizations of an addict, but I didn't care. It felt too good to stop. I didn't want to stop.

  Her lips were like bright sunlight and honey, her body like warm promises of peace and happiness. I wanted to feel all of it one more time, wanted to feel the echo of what used to be and what could have been. I turned her in my lap to face me, and she wrapped her legs aroun
d my waist. I felt her lock her ankles together behind my back as her arms clung to me tightly. She whimpered my name into my mouth as I deepened the kiss and thrust my tongue in deep, plundering and taking as I grabbed her hips and lifted her up. My cock unerringly found her already soaked core, and she sank down onto me with a soft cry of pleasure. I groaned as her tight wet heat enveloped me, owned me.

  I pumped her up and down on my dick, burying my face against her neck and groaning loudly as she rode me, harder, faster, deeper. Suddenly, she shattered apart in my arms, her nails digging long furrows into my back as she let out a long wail. The wet slapping sounds that filled the room grew louder and more frantic amid her screams and my more primal grunts and groans. My balls tightened and hot electric tingles licked up my spine, a warning of my own inevitable release. Then with one more deep penetrating thrust up into her, my world spun down and focused into one perfect point of sheer bliss. We both flew apart together, crying out as one and clasping on tightly to each other.

  When I came back to myself, I was spooning around Ella with my softening cock cradled against her ass. I held her and listened as her breathing slowed and then grew deep and even. When I was sure that she was asleep, I carefully extricated myself from around her and quietly dressed. I stopped in the doorway before leaving and looked back at her one more time. She looked so peaceful now as she slept, her pain and anguish gone for now. I believed her when she said she was sorry, but it didn't change anything between us. We just weren't meant to be.

  "So am I," I whispered softly, and then walked away.

  CHAPTER

  EIGHTEEN

  ____________________

  Calder

  Moonlight reflected off the splashing water that rippled and swirled in the wake of the long powerful strokes of my arms and legs. I swam fast and hard across the narrow lap pool to the far end one more time, then stopped to catch my breath with a hand clutching the concrete edge. I blew out one panting breath after another, sucking air into my oxygen starved lungs as I shook the water vigorously from my hair before pushing it back out of my eyes. My muscles ached and burned from the strenuous activity, probably made worse by the fact that this was the fourth night in a row that I'd pushed my body to the limits like this. I suspected there were going to be quite a few more of them too.

  I puffed out a harsh sigh as I pushed off from the side and paddled slowly to the stairs, so I could climb out. My legs felt rubbery as I stepped up out of the pool, the cool water sluicing down my nude body as a soft breeze made goosebumps shiver across my skin. I grabbed my towel off the nearby lounger I'd left it on and dried off as I looked across the perfectly manicured lawn that stretched out along the opposite side of the pool and continued to the edge of the tree line.

  The thick woods that wrapped around my home were dark and almost foreboding as a gentle breeze rustled softly through the leaves. Chirping crickets filled the otherwise tranquil night and were my only company. I usually found comfort in being alone out here like this, but not tonight. I frowned as I shook my head, then picked my phone up off the lounger and turned to go inside with my towel flung carelessly over one shoulder. I didn't have any neighbors, so even if modesty was an issue for me, there was no one to witness me walking naked across the large patio toward the back door.

  The lights were off inside and the windows that made up most of the walls on the back of my house were dark. However, there was still enough moonlight to illuminate the clean and modern geometric lines of my massive two-story home. Its ten thousand square feet were far too much room for one person, but the location far outside of town and the property's seclusion had been irresistible when I purchased it three years ago. After growing up surrounded by so many people and the stifling chaos of the city, and The Armpit in particular, living out here away from all of that was a boon to me.

  I stepped inside the house on the walkout basement level, and walked across the maple hardwood floor of my workout room to the matching stairs, using my phone to light the way. I made my way up past the first floor and continued to the second to enter my bedroom. I glanced out the massive window at the balcony that overlooked the pool as I plugged my phone in on my nightstand before going into the bathroom. I took a quick shower to wash the chlorine off my body, then padded across the whisper soft carpet to my low platform bed and climbed in between the plush white sheets. I laid down on my back and stared up at the ceiling waiting for sleep, but knew it probably wouldn't come anytime soon, even if it was just shy of three A.M.

  My thoughts turned to Ella like they always did when I wasn't keeping my mind occupied with work or rigorous exercise. My mind was in turmoil over her, missing her yet knowing I couldn't have her, not and risk my heart and sobriety again. I couldn't see how my life would fit into a relationship anyway. My long and late work hours weren't exactly conducive to one, and my unorthodox sex life wasn't something most women would understand let alone accept or be open to trying.

  My body was far more unambiguous about it, and craved Ella every night, my cock hard and throbbing with wanting her until I had to rub one off for some relief. I didn't know which was keeping me from sleep more, but at least one was an easy if temporary fix.

  It had been four days now since I left her asleep in her bed to slip out like a coward without a word. I hadn't set actual eyes on her since. Mind you, I'd seen her on the security feeds frequently, and I felt like some sort of fucked-up stalker while I watched her. However, I apparently didn't feel bad enough about it to stop. I felt like I was on a slippery slope just waiting to trip up and slide back down to rock bottom.

  I needed to put a stop to this unhealthy obsession that wasn't going to end well, but I couldn't figure out a way to shake it. Maybe going cold turkey was the answer. I could look into getting Ella a position at one of my smaller bars that I only had to visit infrequently. I didn't want to fire her since she didn't have a lot of job options. The last thing I wanted to do was cause her more stress or hurt her. She'd been through enough already.

  I decided to talk to Gwen about it later today, and see which of my businesses could use more help. With that decision made, a bit of tranquility fell over me, enough to let me finally drift off to sleep.

  Midmorning found me walking into R&C LTD's office. The Indigo Room was closed today, since it was Wednesday, but that didn't mean there wasn't work to do. Running two huge nightclubs and multiple smaller bars was a never-ending job. There was always some crisis or another to manage.

  "Good morning, Calder," Gwen called out with a smile as I walked past her desk.

  "Morning, Gwen," I said with a nod. I couldn't agree with the "good" part of her greeting. I'd barely started my day, and I was already tired from my late night swim, my fitful sleep, and my workout this morning.

  Gwen stood and followed me down the hall to my office, rattling off my schedule for the day and all the things I needed to take care of. I slipped off my suit jacket and hung it over my chair before settling into it carefully with a soft groan of pain as my muscles twinged. Gwen took a seat across the desk from me and finished up her briefing. I clarified a few things and delegated a few of the less pressing issues to her. She nodded with a smile and stood up to leave my office while I pulled my laptop out of my canvas messenger bag and set it on the desk. That was when I remembered my plans to transfer Ella and put some much-needed distance between us.

  "Wait, Gwen," I said. "How's Ella doing so far?"

  It was an innocent question an employer would ask, and a plausible reason to broach the subject. I didn't want Gwen to know about my personal involvement with Ella. I wasn't proud of my inability to control myself around her or how far out of control I let it get.

  "She's settling in and getting the hang of things pretty quickly I'd say." She made a pained expression. "I'm sorry I took such a risk hiring someone with so little experience, but she just reminded me so much of myself when you gave me a chance to prove myself."

  "Everyone deserves the opportunity to prove t
hemselves, Gwen, no matter what happened in their past," I told her sincerely as I rubbed at my left elbow without thinking. It was only right that after Rex gave me a chance, that I paid if forward to someone deserving like Gwen.

  Her eyes flashed over to my elbow, and she nodded in understanding. We never talked about it, but I'd never hidden my scars from her. She knew exactly what they were.

  "I can never thank you enough for giving me a chance," she said gratefully. "I saw myself in Ella, and knew she needed to be given one too."

  At that point, I decided not to bring up my plans to transfer Ella to Gwen just yet. She seemed pretty invested in Ella's employment here, and I'd have to tread lightly when I did bring it up. Waiting seemed like a good idea.

  "She and her daughter deserve a better life, a better future," Gwen continued as she smiled wistfully. "Her daughter reminds me a lot of my son at that age."

  "You met her daughter?" I asked, curious about Ella's child even if the thought of her having a child seemed bazaar and unreal. I guess in my head, she was still that twenty-two-year-old girl I remembered from so long ago.

  "Yeah," she said. "She had Violet with her when she came in for her interview." Her smile widened into a grin. "That kid is something else." She snorted out a laugh, then stood. "I'll let you get to work."

  I nodded as she walked out and reached over to turn on my laptop, then froze as my brain caught up to what it just heard. Ella's daughter's name was Violet. She'd brought her here the day of her interview. It had to have been the same girl I'd talked to in the break room that day, the one I now realized looked familiar because she looked just like her mother. The same girl who'd told me she was almost twelve years old. The same girl whose mother left me twelve years ago. A sick nauseating wave flowed over me, curdling my stomach.

  Holy fuck, Violet was my daughter, my fucking daughter. Ella lied to me about her daughter's age. She fucking lied. She must have been pregnant when she left me. She took my child away from me, then let some fucking monster raise her as his own instead. Why? Why?