Taming Rough Waters

by Samantha Wolfe

  Without another word, he strode purposefully from the room and walked across the hall to another closed door. He opened it and disappeared inside without a single backward glance, closing the door firmly behind him with a solid and definitive thump.

  I stood there for a while staring at the closed door, feeling lost and empty inside, before finally turning off the light and climbing into bed with my daughter. I laid there staring at the ceiling as tears slithered from my eyes, consumed with guilt and knowing that sleep would be a long time coming.

  CHAPTER

  TWENTY-EIGHT

  ____________________

  Ella

  I'd been drifting in limbo for hours, trapped somewhere between wakefulness and sleep, when the sound of a door clicking open caught my attention. I opened my eyes from where I was lying on my side facing the open door of the guest room to see Calder slipping quietly out of his bedroom. He was fully clothed with a dark hooded sweatshirt pulled up over his head. His body was rigid and tense as he carefully closed the door, then disappeared down the hallway.

  I sat up and glanced at the small alarm clock on the nightstand to see that it was almost two A.M. I frowned, wondering what he was doing up like this in the middle of the night. A sudden feeling of disquiet fell over me, and on instinct I climbed out of bed to follow him. Violet was still asleep and didn't even notice me get up. I left the room, closing the door on my way out.

  I padded silently across the hardwood floor through the darkened house as I trailed the sound of Calder's footsteps down to the first floor. I glanced out the window as I walked into the living room. It was dark and still outside, the storm that was now long gone having left quiet peacefulness in its wake. I looked to my right toward the kitchen just as his back disappeared into the mud room that led to his garage. I frowned after him. I heard a faint metallic rattling that I think was the sound of Calder pulling his keys off the hook on the wall near the door into the garage. Was he leaving? Why? I hurried into the kitchen after him, that disquieted feeling now intensifying into dread.

  I crossed the kitchen then cut swiftly through the tiled mud room and caught the door into the garage just before it swung closed. I stepped into the garage to see Calder hurrying around to the driver's side door of his Tesla. Some deep gut feeling was telling me that I couldn't let him leave.

  "Calder?" I called out in a panicked tone as I reached over to the nearby wall to flip on the lights.

  He startled, his keys clattering to the concrete floor with a loud crash as he whirled to face me. The harsh lighting revealed a guilty expression on his face and stark pain glittering in his eyes.

  "Where are you going?" I demanded sharply.

  "I...I..." he stammered as his eyes began darting around the room, looking at anything but me. "I...I just needed to run an...an errand," he continued lamely.

  "At two in the morning?" I gaped at him in utter confusion.

  He began to fiddle nervously with the sleeve over the crook of his left elbow, his demeanor stiff and obviously uncomfortable. My eyes shot down to the frantic motion of his fingers, and realization slammed into me like a fist. I gasped and met his eyes again.

  "Calder," I said in a quavering voice. "Are you...are you going out to use again?"

  Shame enveloped his features for a brief moment, silently answering my question before he quickly schooled his expression into that same blank and shuttered mask he wore last night.

  "Why?" I asked softly.

  "Go back to bed," he growled out as he bent to snatch his keys up off the floor.

  "No," I replied vehemently.

  "Just let me go," he snarled out. For some reason, I sensed a deeper meaning to his words.

  "No," I said fiercely as I stubbornly crossed my arms over my chest. "I'm not letting you do this."

  He met my gaze again, this time with bitterness flooding his eyes. "Why do you care?" he asked harshly as pain glittered in his crystalline blue eyes.

  I flinched, startled and hurt by his unexpected and hostile tone, but still held my ground. "You're not doing this, Calder," I insisted sternly. "You're not. I won't let you."

  He gritted his teeth together, then swore viciously as he threw his keys back down on the garage floor. He surged forward and pushed past me through the door into the house. I followed right on his heels, intent on getting to the bottom of this sudden change in his behavior. This wasn't the Calder I remembered, or the one I'd spent so much time with lately. Something was seriously wrong.

  I practically ran to keep up with his long purposeful strides, and I didn't catch up with him until he was halfway across the living room. I grabbed his arm to stop him, but he snarled and yanked himself out of my grip. I stumbled, and thumped onto the floor on my hands and knees with a soft whimper.

  Calder gasped. "Ella," he called out worriedly, instantly dropping to his knees on the floor next to me. His hands gripped my shoulders gently. I looked up to meet his pained and anguished expression. "Are you okay, baby?"

  I sobbed and shook my head as sudden tears stung my eyes that had nothing to do with my fall. He pulled me closer and cradled me in his strong arms.

  "I'm sorry, baby," he murmured softly into my hair. "So sorry."

  I sobbed even harder at the repeated endearment, and how good it felt to be held by him, but it wasn't real. None of this was real. He didn't love me. He couldn't love me, and when he held me and talked to me like that, it made me long for things I couldn't have.

  "Why are you doing this?" I asked pleadingly.

  He stiffened at my words, then abruptly stood and set me down on my feet. He stepped away and faced the windows, rubbing his thumb across his lower lip as he shifted nervously from foot to foot. I noticed that he was trembling. Finally, he dropped his hand and let out a defeated sigh as he turned to meet my gaze with a lost and forlorn expression.

  "The...the cravings...they never really ever go away, and I can usually manage them," he said, misinterpreting my question's actual meaning. "But...but if I'm exposed to a trigger or when I'm under a lot of stress, it makes them harder to cope with and easier to give in to them."

  "What stress?" I stared at him in confusion. "What trigger?" He always seemed so calm and in control all the time.

  His brows furrowed for a moment, and then he looked at me with a pained and pointed expression. Dawning understanding suddenly fell over me, and I gasped, slapping my hand over my mouth. I let out a hiccuping sob and jerked away from him as my eyes flew wide in horror. Oh, my God, it was me. I was the stress. I was the trigger. Just like I was twelve years ago. I was doing it all over again, and why? Because I selfishly wanted to feel loved again, wanted again. But at what cost to Calder? Guilt like I'd never known before slammed into me like a fist straight into my heart. It sucked the air from my lungs and dropped me to my knees, where I began crying hysterically.

  Calder was right there again, scooping me up off the floor and into his arms. He carried me over to the sectional sofa and sat down, cuddling me close to his chest and murmuring sweet words of comfort that I didn't deserve.

  "I'm...I'm so sorry," I sobbed out desolately when I was finally capable of speech. "I never wanted to hurt you again, but I was selfish. I just...I just wanted to feel wanted and needed." I sniffled pathetically, before continuing to babble. "I tried to stay away. I should have stayed away today. I know you'll never love me again, so I'll stay away like I should have all along." Pain knifed through my chest at the thought of never seeing him again, but it had to be done. I wouldn't be the reason he turned to drugs again.

  "What?" he whispered in confusion.

  "I...I love you too much to ruin your life again," I sobbed out without thinking.

  Calder stilled, and I realized exactly what I'd just blurted. Oh God. I struggled out of his arms, horrified by my confession and wanting to get away from him. How pathetic must he think I was, how stupid. I was mortified. I rushed away from him, and made a beeline for the glass door out to the patio, and hurried outsi
de onto the wet concrete. I went to the glass railing, and grasped the top of it, needing something solid to hold onto for fear I'd collapse under the weight of my guilt and shame. I stood there gasping in the cool and clean night air as I continued sobbing, my chest heavy and my throat tight.

  What had I done? I'd probably just made him feel worse. I might as well have handed him some heroin myself. My God, I needed to get out of here. Leave him in peace before I drove him to overdose and die. I couldn't live with that anymore than I could live what I did to him twelve years ago.

  "Ella," Calder said behind me. "Did you mean it?" His voice was hoarse and laced with tension. "Do you...do you love me?"

  I couldn't speak past the almost strangling lump in my throat. I looked up to meet his eyes, noticing his furrowed brows, his intense eyes, and the tight line of his gorgeous mouth, and knew that I loved him. I loved him with all my heart. I always had, always would, even though I knew he would never love me back again. I nodded jerkily in reply. What was the point of denying it now? The damage was already done.

  CHAPTER

  TWENTY-NINE

  ____________________

  Calder

  I stood and stared incredulously at Ella as she clutched the glass railing of the patio and nodded her reply to my question. I couldn't wrap my head around her acknowledgment of those unexpected words. She loved me? I gaped at her now, opening my mouth, but unable to speak. A wave of elation struck me, followed by angry resentment. The emotions flooded my head, and I didn't know what to feel, what to do. I wanted to go to her, enfold her in my arms and kiss her, claim her and make her mine forever. I wanted to rail and scream at her, demand to know why she ever left me in the first place if she claimed to love me so much. I was paralyzed by my warring emotions.

  Ella sobbed again and turned away to face the dark woods that surrounded my home. Her body hunched forward, her shoulders shaking violently as she wept bitter tears. I watched for several long moments until I could speak again.

  "Then why?" I asked in a sharp and biting tone, the angry resentment finally winning out. "Why did you leave me? How did our love mean so little to you that you could just walk away?"

  "I...I was stupid, and scared," she answered between sobs without turning to face me. "You...you were gone all the time doing God knows what, and...and you were drinking again. I...I guess I panicked."

  "I wasn't drinking," I snarled out fiercely, the anger flaring hotter at her bullshit assumptions.

  My eyes began to sting at the remembered pain and anguish of coming home to propose and finding her gone. I used to fantasize so many times about finally getting a chance to confront her like this, to let her know exactly what she did to me, what she left behind. I thought I let the anger go. I was wrong.

  My voice turned bitter and accusing. "And I was gone all the time because I was working extra hours to save up money for an engagement ring. The ring I bought the very day you left me. The same day I was going to propose."

  Ella gasped loudly, and whirled to face me, her body rigid and her face horrified. I'd be lying if I didn't admit to some measure of satisfaction at her reaction, but then her hands flew up to cover her mouth, and her eyes filled with pain and anguish. A loud wrenching sob tore up out of her body as she dropped to her knees. She began to weep hysterically, her body curling in on itself. I thought she looked lost and defeated before, but now she looked completely destroyed, obliterated. Seeing Ella like that wrecked me, ripped my heart wide open to bleed and ache for her. Her pain was my pain now. What had I done?

  I rushed forward to drop down next to her. I heedlessly sat on the wet concrete and gathered her onto my lap. She struggled in my grip, trying to get away from me as I cradled her close, but I held fast to her, stubbornly refusing to let go. When she finally realized that I wasn't going to relax my hold on her, she stopped fighting, but continued to sob violently in my arms. I held her tight and rocked her, desperately trying to comfort her.

  "I...I should have...have stayed," she somehow managed to force out. "I should have t...talked to you. I'm s...sorry, so so sorry." She gasped in a shaking breath, and continued in a steadier tone. "I'll...I'll leave you alone. I'll find another job somewhere else. I promise I'll leave, and you'll never have to see me again. I swear. I've...I've hurt you enough already."

  Her voice held so much pain, so much remorse. How could I be angry with her now? How could I do anything but admit the truth that I now knew down deep in my heart? I knew the reason her distancing herself from me for the last few days had hurt so much and brought on the drug cravings. I loved Ella, had always loved her, even when I thought she blackened and destroyed my heart. It wasn't dead, and even when I drowned out the bitter pain and anger with heroin, then suppressed it with iron control and sheer will after I was sober, my heart had remained hers, and always would. It was the reason I'd never found another, the reason I'd been incapable of an emotional connection with any other woman since, and the reason I needed contracts with my subs to keep things merely physical with them.

  "I don't want you to leave me alone," I said hoarsely.

  "What?" she quaveringly asked. She sat up enough to meet my gaze, her eyes grief stricken and confused.

  "I don't want you to leave."

  Her confused expression deepened. "But I...I don't understand. I hurt you when I left you. I've been hurting you by being around you now. I made you want to use drugs again."

  "No, Ella." I shook my head.

  "Then...then why were you going out to get high?" she asked.

  "When you pulled away from me after we played together, I thought you were rejecting me again. It hurt just the same. I didn't want you to leave me again. I wanted you to stay."

  "Why?" she asked with a tiny edge of hope in her steel blue eyes.

  I gasped in a fortifying breath and forced out what needed to be said, no matter the risk to my heart if she did indeed reject me again, "Because I love you, Ella," I whispered as I cupped her face in my hand.

  "You...you do?" she whispered incredulously.

  I nodded. "I always have." I wiped a few of her tears away with my thumb. "I never stopped."

  "I don't understand." She frowned deeply, her voice thick from crying. "I hurt you and almost ruined your life."

  I shook my head. "No, baby. You may have hurt me, but I'm the one who tried to destroy myself. I'm the one who took the heroin my mom offered me that first time."

  "What?" she asked indignantly as her brows furrowed. "Your mom gave it to you?" She shook her head. "What is wrong with that woman? Didn't she hurt you enough as a kid? What kind of mother could do such a thing? If I see her again, I'm going to give her a piece of-"

  I put a finger to her lips to quiet her tirade. I appreciated her vehement reaction and desire to defend me, but her indignation was a wasted effort now.

  "She overdosed eight years ago, Ella," I explained in a subdued tone. I steeled myself to tell her the painful secret I'd only told Scott and Rex. "She...she had a stroke, and she's been in a vegetative state ever since."

  Ella's eyes swam with empathy. "Oh, Cal," she whispered and placed a gentle hand on my cheek. The sound of my old shortened name didn't upset me for the first time in twelve years. "I'm so sorry."

  "Don't be," I said in a strained voice. I blinked back the threatening tears that angered me every time I mourned my mother. "Molly did it to herself, but one good thing came out of it. It was the catalyst that finally pushed me to get clean for good. It was the only decent thing she ever did for me."

  "I'm still sorry," she said sincerely. "She should have been there for you, no matter what. You were still her son, regardless of who your father was." Ella was the only person on earth I'd ever told I was a child of rape. "You deserved better. You deserved a mother who looked out for you and took care of you."

  I smiled wanly. "Like you take care of Violet?"

  She averted her gaze with a sorrowful expression. "I don't know about that," she said in a dejected tone.
>
  I touched her chin and tilted her face up to look at me. "That little girl up there is strong, and loving, and fiercely loyal because of you. You made sure she was loved and cared for, despite who her father was and the horrible situation you found yourself in."

  She snorted out a bitter laugh. "A horrible situation I brought on myself by being stupid and naive. I should have seen Ray for the monster he was that day I met him in the diner where I worked, but he seemed so sincere and said all the right things to win me over. He kept coming in, flattering me and buying me gifts. I fell for all of it, and I was a fool for believing him. I should have known that it wasn't real, that he didn't really love me.

  "When I finally figured out the truth, he already had Violet to use as leverage to keep me from leaving, and it was far too late to come back to you." She hung her head in shame, her next sentence grief stricken. "I never should have left you, and I got what I deserved for walking away from real love."

  "Ella, no," I said fiercely. "Don't say that."

  "But it's true, and you know it," she said with a soft sob. "You should want nothing to do with me. You...you should hate me."

  "I can't hate you, Ella," I told her firmly. "I was angry, yes, resentful still to be honest, but hating you is something I could never do." I caressed her cheek with gentle fingers. "You need to stop punishing yourself for the past. You need to let it go, baby."

  "I don't know how, Cal," she said in a desperate tone. "The guilt eats me up inside. How do I let it go? How?" She gasped in a shuddering breath. "And where do we go from here, if I can't?"

  "Shh," I soothed her, holding her closer. "You will, baby. You will. We'll figure it out together. Okay?"

  "We will?" she whispered with true hope in her eyes for the first time.

  I nodded. "You came back to me, and this time I'm never letting you go."