The Face You See

by Amelia Legend

  Broken.

  “Hey, can we just sit in the truck for a minute? I want to talk to you real quick.” I don’t meet his eyes as I climb up into the truck, putting the rose on the dash as if it were going to turn into a snake any moment.

  “Sure … Are you okay, princess?” He looks sincerely worried at this point. He is going to see right through me if I don’t make this fast.

  “Yeah, of course. I want to talk for a bit.” The false brightness in my voice sounds too fake for him not to notice. But he shuts the door slowly, comes around to his side, and gets in quietly.

  He turns to me, looks into my eyes, and waits. I can see the wheels turning in his head as he tries to figure out what is different. So I speak before he has a chance to figure it out.

  “I can’t see you anymore, Reed. This doesn’t seem to be working out… whatever this even is. We aren’t officially dating anyways. I wanted to be fair to you by telling you to your face that I want to go to college without any attachments. I think I took this too far for too long without considering the fact that I am leaving at the end of the summer. I’m not going to go to Sacramento State anymore. I’m going to be farther away, so there is no point to pursuing this thing between us. I’m sorry I let it go on for so long.” I pretty much paraphrased the same speech Jett gave me a year ago. It makes me feel like I am as bad of a person, but it’s for Reed’s own good. Jett wanted to screw other girls and have his fun; I want Reed to be free from someone like me, someone so tainted and ugly that I will only ruin his chances at happiness. He deserves more than what I can give him. I love him too much to hold him back. Even if it kills me, he is worth the sacrifice. There isn’t much left of me now to kill anyway.

  “What? Are you serious? What is going on really? This is bullshit, and you know it!” He sounds hurt but mostly disbelieving. He doesn’t believe what I’m saying. I’ll have to do better then.

  “I am serious. I don’t feel like we should drag this on anymore.” I look at him now with a straight face, remarkably calm.

  “Too young? That’s ridiculous. Look at me and tell me you feel nothing for me.”

  I look away.

  “Look at me!”

  I startle at his voice and look at him.

  “I love you, Dannie. I love you!” He puts his hands on either side of my face, stopping when his mouth is an inch away from mine. “Tell me you feel nothing,” he says, and he closes the gap. But when his lips touch mine, I reel back, slamming into the truck door. I can’t let him touch me where he touched me. I can’t taint Reed that way. I can’t let him touch the ugliness.

  “No! Reed, I’m sorry, but I don’t love you. I don’t feel anything.” I scramble to find the handle to escape from him as fast as I can, but not before I see the pain in his eyes. I turn before he sees the tears that are beginning to fall. It’s true; I don’t feel anything.

  I feel numb. Don’t think. Don’t think.

  “What happened? What did I do, Dannie? I’m sorry. I won’t try to kiss you again. Tell me what I did wrong.” His voice breaks, and my heart hurts for what I am doing to him. But it’s for his own good. He will find someone better who will be better for him. He should be with someone as perfect as he is. And I’m not.

  I try not to look at him too long for fear of losing my courage to do what needs to be done. I can’t help but feel as though I need to take in every detail of his face, to cherish our last few moments together even if it makes every moment after hurt. I take in the anguished look on his face and notice the defeat in it as well. I cry out to his soul, hoping he will hear it and not the words coming from my mouth—that he will somehow understand why this has to happen.

  I love you. I love you. I love you, I repeat in my head, knowing that I have to end this, that I will not allow myself to be vulnerable. I can’t afford to, not even to Reed. Setting him free is the right thing to do. I will lock away my love for him with all the other things I try to forget and walk away.

  Never again. Never again. Never again.

  Turning away from him one last time, I breathe in deeply to steady my voice and breathe out. “You didn’t do anything, Reed. I just don’t love you.” Like a last nail on a coffin, I know that what I said was the death of his love for me. I accept what must be as I walk toward my house, concentrating simply on putting one foot in front of the other. It was a difficult feat at this point.

  Quietly, I hear Reed breathing deeply as he whispers, “I don’t believe you.”

  I poured out my sickness.

  I’m cured of the blue-eyed girl.

  I won.

  As I watch her over the course of the summer from my bedroom window, I contemplate the precarious situation I am left with. Do I let her go? Do I even want her to stay? More important, do I threaten her to keep the secret of what transpired between us?

  Although, that last thought seems unnecessary at this point. It’s been almost a month, and she clearly hasn’t said a word. Any time I have captured a glimpse of her, she startles and flees from my sight as quickly as she can. It’s like she doesn’t want to see me or something.

  I laugh at the thought.

  I relish the memory.

  I can’t say Dannie does it for me anymore. Although I will cherish the memory of our time together, high school, our night at the beach, I’d have to say I am ready to move on. I’m almost certain it was the thrill of the hunt that spurred me on.

  The chase.

  Her fear.

  I close my eyes, letting my head fall back as the memory washes over me. Adrenaline pumps through my blood, heating every cell in my body at the thought of doing it again. The thought consumes me.

  My path.

  My true purpose was unknowingly uncovered at freshman orientation, all with her fresh innocence, which I stole from her. An innocence I will find somewhere unexpected, and when I do …

  I’ll take it.

  As I look out my window at nothing, my mind traces the steps that led me to this moment—the steps that led me off a cliff I should have seen coming. I have never been one who believes in happily ever after. Little girls grow up believing in white knights and fairy-tale endings. Little girls who grow up safe, loved, and happy do. I am not one of those girls. Those principles were squandered and broken by the very people who should have nurtured them. That doesn’t mean I didn’t want to believe; I simply didn’t have the luxury of it.

  The tears burn my eyes, but I refuse to let them fall. I can’t allow myself weakness anymore. Look where it has led me. I chastise myself again for my stupidity, for my ignorance. I can only try to find faith in the strength of my own heart. I have only ever relied on the blind hope that one day I will conquer the impossible, survive the insurmountable, and find freedom from fear, that God might find it in his righteous heart to show me mercy. I’d even settle for pity, but now, I’m feeling rather angry with God.

  As if I’d summoned His intervention, Melody and Jem step into my room.

  “Hey there, stranger,” Melody says, sitting at the end of my bed.

  Jem comes and sits beside me, but I fail to hide the cringe on my face as our bodies touch. I’m not used to being touched anymore. It feels wrong somehow—even by Jem apparently.

  She notices and scoots away a little. “We thought we’d stop by and catch up. It seems you have been working so much we hardly get to see you. We miss you.” Melody nods her head with a weak smile. She is clearly trying to sort out the puzzle I’ve become these last few weeks. I’ll have to try harder to act normal. I have to blend in again.

  I finally try speaking. “So what’s new?” My voice is obviously forced; they can instantly tell, but I ignore their concerned glances.

  Jem pipes up quickly. “Well, apparently you broke Reed’s heart.”

  “Jem!” Melody says with a worried look.

  “It’s true … Hon, why on earth did you break up with him? I know how you feel about him. It just doesn’t make sense to us. Did something happen?” she asks in a softer
tone.

  I look at her, shaking my head. “It was bad timing, Jem. I’ve had the year from hell. You know that … I can’t handle a guy too.” Although that isn’t the whole truth, it is the truth in part. The more I’ve thought about Reed these last few weeks since graduation, the more I realize that I had relied on Reed too much this year. I need to learn to be self-reliant and be comfortable by myself. I need to focus on working through everything that happened this year and do it on my own.

  “I love Reed; you girls know that. It’s just more important to me right now to feel whole again. It’s all just too much.” I think for a moment about the poor timing of meeting Reed. “I want to be me again,” I repeat.

  “That kind of sucks for Reed though. He was a little blindsided by the whole thing, ya know?” Jem says bluntly.

  Melody chimes in. “Maybe you could give him more of an explanation. He’s our friend too, and I know he is really hurting right now … It’s hard to watch you two go through this …”

  I can’t imagine talking to him. It would hurt too much. I don’t think I could bear it. “Could we talk about something else?” I ask, pleading for them to give me a break.

  “Sure,” Melody says with obvious disappointment.

  “Well, my brother has a girlfriend,” Jem says with a sarcastic laugh.

  I smile weakly. “Good for him.”

  “Oh, and your neighbour was arrested last night … Did you know him? A Nick something … I think. He beat up some guy at a party, almost killed him apparently.”

  My head whips toward Jem in fear. Nick arrested? How? Why? For how long? I want to ask, but I can’t.

  Melody must have noticed my look because she adds, “It was some fight up at Ice House. Nick apparently got too rough with some guy’s sister, and it turned into a beat-down.” She gives me a curious look, but I ignore it. I can’t explain. I don’t even want to.

  “They say he is going to serve a few years at least. Especially considering his prior record …”

  Record? Nick had a record? How could I not know that. I shut down completely until the girls realize I'm done visiting and finally leave.

  Nick is gone, arrested. Gone. I begin to shake with relief as I muster enough courage to glance at his house diagonal from mine. He’s gone. There is nothing and no one to be afraid of anymore. I can’t explain the sudden crushing guilt that accompanies my relief at the thought of the other girl involved in this or her brother who was obviously trying to protect her. If I had had more courage, I could have prevented them both from being hurt. Unfortunately I didn’t, and the regret, the shame, is overwhelming. Should I come forward? It’s hard to even consider.

  With Nick out of the picture, or at least for the foreseeable future, I can move on, learn to pretend again, learn to hide just one more time with just one more secret.

  Secrets have been my unfortunate reality. No one would guess my reality, that the girl who always smiles is broken, living in a world where nightmares hide. No one will venture to guess that the face you see is no face at all but a mask. No one questions the girl who has her life put together perfectly. No one would guess the girl who seems to have all the answers is shattered beneath.

  I have always kept my heart close, even from those I love most, to protect them from the harsh truth—that I had been broken long before I was given the chance to be whole. I don’t remember what it means to be innocent. My innocence was taken before I could really believe in fairy tales. Yet somehow, I get through it. I learn to live with the circumstances of my life, my family, the abuse I’ve endured, and the abandonment I’ve felt. I kept breathing. I kept going. I refused to give up.

  … and I’ll learn to do it again.

  Reed’s face suddenly flashes in my mind. I squeeze my eyes shut at the thought of all we had, at what could have been. I didn’t have to pretend for him. For a short time, I felt like I had a hope of freedom, a chance at normalcy. Reed came into my life, bringing me the gift of his love and friendship—a boy who gave me a reason to believe in happy endings. And for the first time in a very long time, I wanted to believe him.

  He handed me love, lending me his own strength, giving me faith in people again.

  It was a gift I was forced to give back. I walked away from the man before I broke him too, before he saw the face beneath the mask I wore so perfectly, for so long, that I had forgotten what it was concealing.

  A mask that hid the truth …

  I have come to the realization that we are all broken. Some of us break many times. I broke the first time my mother hit me. I broke when she told me to leave and never come home. I broke the night he raped me, and I broke the moment I walked away from the only man I had ever fallen in love with. I had been broken over and over, and I came to one conclusion: that no one was going to put me together but me. I will be strong enough again. I will find a way to be capable, and if only to prove to myself that I am worthy, I will try.

  Moving away feels like the only way to do that. There are simply too many bad memories for me here in my hometown, reminding me of my shame. Sue, Mark, Jett, him …

  It’s too much.

  Perhaps when I’m strong enough to stomach it, I’ll finally make my way back. But until I’m ready, I’ll find refuge in a city far enough away to give me space from it all, space to put myself back together one piece at a time.

  I stand in Mama Bea’s kitchen, hugging her for the last time in what may be a very long time. I hold her quietly as she whispers how much she will miss me and how much she loves me. It soothes my soul to know that this woman will be waiting for me when I’m ready to come back.

  “Come back when you’re ready. I know you’ve been through a lot this year, hon, but you’ll figure it out. You just need to work through it. Jem tells me you might try out Melody’s therapist?”

  I nod my head but just look over her shoulder at Jem as she watches me with a hurt expression. I know this has been hard on her. I haven’t given my girls any explanation that might make them understand what I’m going through, but I just don’t know how to say the words.

  “Well, we love you. Let us know when you’ve settled in. Give Melody a big hug for me.” She kisses my cheek before turning toward Jem.

  I walk toward Jem hesitantly, not sure how to leave her. Our plans were to go to college together, but I switched schools at the last minute, leaving her hanging. I’m a terrible friend for it, but I had to. I just hope she will forgive me for it someday.

  Wrapping her arms around me, she quietly asks, “Why are you running away?”

  I shake my head. “I’m not. I promise I’m not. I know I haven’t explained why I need to leave, but I need this. After everything …” I pause, thinking over the year. So much has happened—so many things I haven’t even begun to really process or accept. “I was running away at first. I’ll admit that is true.” I pull away to look her in the eyes as I get this all out. “Now, I know I need to leave to gain perspective. I can’t do that here. With Sue and Mark close by … with Reed.” With Nick, I add silently to myself. “I just need to get away from the things that have caused me so much pain and confusion this year. I need to figure out how to live again.”

  She nods silently. “What about …” She stops, looking regretful.

  “What, Jem?”

  “What about what you haven’t told Melody and me. I don’t know what you’re hiding … If you’re not ready, I’ll wait. But you need to talk to someone about it. Promise me you’ll try,” Jem says as tears begin to well in her eyes. Jem. My strong Amazon queen. Crying … over me.

  I pull her into a long hug before replying, “I promise.”

  That evening, I stand in the driveway of my father’s house, looking up. I see, not just a house, but a symbol of my past, the symbol of who I was before I died on that beach. It’s an unexplainable feeling, being stripped of everything that makes you feel human, an impossible feeling. So I have to go to search for a new me.

  As I close the trunk of the old
rusted Honda Accord I spent all summer saving for, I gladly feel like I’m closing the lid on everything I desperately wish to leave behind. I take a deep breath, hugging my dad and Mary as we say our good-byes, and before I know it, I’m watching them get smaller in the rearview mirror. The farther away I drive, the less weight I feel pressing against my chest. I can breathe. For the first time since graduation, I can breathe.

  Praying for a safe journey, I form a truce with God. Thinking back to when I cried out to God that night, I know I meant it with all of my soul. I need to be whole again, need redemption, need to feel clean again. This is the only way I know how—by leaving.

  After months of Melody’s constant yet subtle hints imploring me to see her therapist, Ms. Gee, I caved. Standing in an office that looks more like a living room than a psychiatrist’s office, I let out a long breath of relief. Surrounded by calming colors and nautical-themed decor, I am glad that the facility connected to the local hospital is cozy, considering the circumstances. At least it doesn’t look or feel like a hospital.

  I hate hospitals.

  Sinking into the overstuffed beige couch while Ms. Gee makes us some tea, not even having her secretary make it for us, I take the time to size up the older woman. Tall for a woman, she would certainly have reason to be intimidating if not for her calm demeanour. I’m stumped, trying to guess how old she is because although her white hair suggests age, her face is unlined. She suddenly turns, smiling and holding a mug in each hand, but as she approaches, she makes it obvious that she is going to sit down beside me and not in the chair across from me, as I had expected.

  I’m suddenly nervous as she turns to me, holding my gaze. It feels like she is looking into me as she quietly stares, as if waiting for something. I’m suddenly afraid. I feel naked and exposed.

  “Why are you here, Dannie?” she softly asks with a small smile and a tilt of her head.

  I don’t know. “My friend recommended that I come see you.”