No-one Ever Has Sex on Christmas Day: The most hilarious romantic comedy you'll read this Christmas

by Tracy Bloom

  ‘Which one is this?’ asked Matthew, nodding over at the silent Ian, who was bent over his phone furiously texting.

  ‘What do you mean?’ muttered Ian without looking up.

  ‘Which lady friend?’

  ‘It’s Baz from football. He’s being a twat. Wants me to play in goal next week so I’m just giving him a piece of my mind.’

  Silence fell on the room apart from Ian’s tapping. Matthew opened up his notebook and found a clean page.

  ‘Done,’ said Ian, looking up with a grin. ‘He won’t try and put me in goal again. So how are you, sweet cheeks?’ he asked.

  Matthew looked over at him. A late-forties, balding man who constantly appeared to approach life as though he didn’t have a care in the world apart from whether he had to play in goal or not in the Sunday league. How did he do it?

  ‘I’d be a lot better if you hadn’t cornered me the other night,’ he said.

  ‘About what?’

  ‘Asking Lena out like that, right in front of me. What was I supposed to say?’

  ‘Yes, of course.’

  ‘I’d have liked to have said no,’ said Matthew.

  ‘Why on earth would you say no? I’m a catch.’

  ‘Likely to catch something rather than being a catch, more like. Alison is beside herself. What are you playing at, winding her up when she’s pregnant? You know what she can be like.’

  ‘What’s it got to do with her? It’s not like I’m kidnapping Lena or anything, I’m just taking her to a party.’

  ‘Can’t you just take someone else?’

  ‘Why?’

  Matthew sighed. He could so do without this; he would have to take another tack.

  ‘She won’t sleep with you, you know.’

  Ian allowed his jaw to drop slightly. ‘I’m offended by that statement. I’m not expecting her to sleep with me.’

  Matthew laughed. ‘You always expect them to sleep with you. You choose women based on whether they will sleep with you.’

  ‘I don’t.’

  ‘What about your six days to six months rule?’ asked Matthew, recalling Ian’s revelation that he never dated women whose last date was between six days and six months ago.

  Ian had the decency to blush slightly. ‘When I tell you these things, you’re not supposed to hold them against me.’

  ‘So is Lena in the over-six-months category?’ continued Matthew. ‘Not had a date in over six months so will be desperate for it – as opposed to having been on a date within the last six days so is a bit of a slapper. Either way equals sex, I seem to remember you telling me.’

  ‘I didn’t ask Lena out in order to have sex with her,’ said Ian, looking uncharacteristically bothered by this line of questioning.

  ‘So you expect me to believe that you’ve changed the habit of a lifetime for Lena?’

  ‘Yes.’ Ian nodded. ‘Like I said, this time I’m looking for love. I’m not looking for a quick shag. And she just seemed, well, there was something about her.’ He shrugged as though lost for words.

  ‘Alison thinks you’ll break her heart and she’ll leave, and then we’ll lose the best nanny in the north of England.’

  ‘Oh, so it’s all about you, is it?’

  ‘Yes, it is quite frankly,’ said Matthew. ‘I don’t know what we’d do without Lena, and if limiting her exposure to you means she doesn’t leave us then I agree with Alison. In her words: you are toxic when it comes to relationships.’

  ‘Harsh,’ replied Ian.

  ‘But fair,’ said Matthew.

  They looked at each other across the conference-room table. Matthew didn’t like this conversation – two grown men discussing the love life of his Lithuanian nanny. It felt wrong, but he was certain his motivations were pure. He knew that Lena was perfectly capable of looking after herself, but he also knew Ian and his history with women. It was only right that he should warn him off, wasn’t it? Even so, it left a bad taste in his mouth. Like he was trying to control Lena or something. He clearly wasn’t descended from Victorian nobility so was unused to dealing with such a dilemma.

  ‘Just… just look after her,’ he said eventually. ‘She’s a good person.’

  Ian stared back. The awkwardness of the conversation was not lost on him. When Ian discussed his love life with Matthew, it was usually to throw him the funny titbits of dating in the modern age. The highs and the lows, the trials and tribulations – usually at the expense of his latest faceless girlfriend. This was the first time Matthew had called into question his morals, having enjoyed them for so long as entertainment. This was awkward with a capital A.

  ‘Of course I’ll look after her,’ he said as they held each other’s gaze. ‘She’s different, I get that.’

  Matthew nodded. ‘Good.’ He coughed and picked his pen up, pretending to write in his notebook. He hoped that would sort it. He’d tell Alison he’d had a word with Ian. That he’d promised to be on his best behaviour. He very much hoped that his wife would settle for that, though somehow he doubted it. Possibly only the castration of Ian would be enough to calm her hormone-driven mind that he wasn’t going to be the downfall of their precious Lena.

  To Matthew’s surprise, Alison met him at the door when he returned that evening. His heart skipped a beat when she appeared before he even had time to get his key out of his pocket. He knew she’d been to see the midwife that morning. He hoped that all was fine. Typically Alison went into anxiety overdrive during this stage in her pregnancies, as a mixture of excitement and terror at the impending birth caused pure adrenaline to shoot through her veins. So much so that he feared she would make herself ill just when she needed her health the most.

  But one look at her face and he could tell all was well. She was beaming as much as she was blooming. Blooming enormous, in fact. He instinctively reached out to cup the mound of her belly in awe, as always, that hidden in there was their next child.

  ‘Come quick,’ she urged, grabbing his hand and pulling him into the hall. ‘You have to see this.’

  He put his computer bag down and then hung up his scarf and coat as Alison disappeared into the living room. He couldn’t help feeling relieved. Whatever she was dragging him to see was clearly so exciting that it was deflecting from the whole Ian trauma.

  He entered the living room to find George and Rebecca chasing each other in circles round and round the coffee table. Normally this would be enough to send Alison into a flurry of instructions to ‘calm down, slow down, and stop now or you’ll hurt yourselves’, but for some reason today she was looking on fondly as they careered headlong into the sofa.

  ‘I will get to the stable first,’ shouted George, shoving Rebecca to one side and launching himself on to the sofa.

  ‘I’m having a baby,’ Rebecca shouted back, dragging him off to take prime position next to the cushions.

  Matthew looked at Alison in confusion. This sort of behaviour was usually unacceptable. What on earth had happened?

  ‘Tell Daddy who you were at your new preschool today, George,’ Alison asked him.

  ‘Joseph!’ shrieked George.

  Alison looked triumphantly at Matthew. ‘This is brilliant news for his anxiety,’ she said. ‘I simply cannot believe it. He actually told me how excited he was. George, who normally would come home weeping at the thought of standing up in front of anyone he didn’t know.’

  ‘That’s brilliant,’ said Matthew.

  ‘And tell Daddy who you were, Rebecca,’ continued Alison.

  ‘Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary,’ chanted Rebecca.

  ‘Wow!’ exclaimed Matthew, scooping her up in his arms. ‘How did that happen?’

  ‘Master Elf said I could be Mary,’ said Rebecca.

  ‘I knew this was going to be a great preschool,’ said Alison. ‘They clearly have a great understanding of how to deal with twins.’

  ‘They gave them the star parts?’ said Matthew in wonder that Alison had managed to achieve her aim.

  ‘Master Elf said I wa
s the best Joseph,’ said George, jumping off the sofa and pulling at his arms.

  ‘But he said I was the best Mary,’ protested Rebecca. ‘Best he had ever seen.’

  ‘Well, Master Elf sounds like quite a guy,’ said Matthew, looking questioningly at Alison.

  ‘They haven’t stopped going on about him since they got back,’ she said. ‘He’s clearly taken a shine to them. And recognised how talented they are.’

  Matthew watched as George beat his favourite teddy over the head with a cushion. He sometimes wondered if Alison saw different children to him. She seemed to observe near child geniuses whereas he saw George in near constant attack mode with whatever weapon he could lay his hands on while at home but reduced to a painfully shy little shadow the minute he came into contact with strangers. And as for Rebecca, well, she seemed to occupy most of her time by thumping George with the one-legged naked doll she insisted on calling Dave.

  ‘Well, good for Master Elf,’ he conceded. ‘He seems to have been a hit with these two as well as with their mummy.’ He smiled and bent forward to kiss her.

  ‘He sounds just wonderful,’ said Alison. ‘And you haven’t heard the best of it yet.’

  ‘Haven’t you met him then?’ asked Matthew.

  ‘No, Lena took them because I didn’t want any separation issues, not on their first day, and then I wanted to spend some time with Harry so she picked them up as well, but I’m so pleased she did because, well…’ She paused and walked over to the door into the hall then closed it softly behind her before coming back into the room. She was grinning even more widely than before if that were possible. ‘He was a hit with Lena too,’ she said. ‘She came back full of him – it was Master Elf this and Master Elf that. And you know what that means, don’t you?’

  Matthew had taken on too much information about Master Elf now. He had no idea what this meant. He shook his head.

  ‘She’s clearly taken a shine to him as well, so he could be just what she needs to throw her off the scent for Ian. Master Elf could be the answer to our prayers.’

  ‘Master Elf?’

  ‘Yes, Master Elf.’

  ‘Master Elf and Lena?’

  ‘Yes. I’ve told her she can do all the drop-offs and pick-ups. We need to do everything we can to encourage this one while we do everything we can to discourage Ian.’

  ‘But… but you don’t even know if this Master Elf is suitable – or even single for that matter.’

  Alison stared back at him as though he were insane. As though her trying to fix their nanny up with a complete stranger only known to them as Master Elf was entirely sensible.

  ‘I asked Lena if she thought he was married and she said she didn’t think so. Apparently he was joking around about asking out Mrs Allcock and said he went home alone every night. She even told me he doesn’t wear a wedding ring, and you know what that means?’

  ‘He may or may not be married?’

  ‘No,’ said Alison firmly. ‘It means she looked. It means she was interested enough in him to check out whether or not he was wearing a wedding ring. That’s such a good sign. She likes him – I can tell. And she said he was a similar age to her. So if he was married, he’d be wearing a wedding ring. Everyone does these days.’

  ‘Well maybe,’ said Matthew.

  ‘Anyway, he isn’t Ian. That’s what matters. Plus he works in a preschool for Christ’s sake so he must be a lovely, caring human being, unlike Ian.’

  Matthew sighed. He’d spent too long that day discussing Lena’s love life. It’s not what he expected to be spending his time doing. Let Alison deal with the whole matchmaking, matchbreaking thing.

  ‘Well, if you really think so then by all means you encourage Lena’s affection for a preschool-teaching elf. Shall we invite him round to dinner?’ he said flippantly.

  ‘Good God, no!’ said Alison. ‘That would be weird and a bit forward. Let it take its course. I do think we should invite Ian round for dinner though.’

  ‘What! Are you serious? I thought you wanted him banned from getting anywhere near Lena?’

  ‘Well, I’ve been thinking about it, and I’ve come to the conclusion that the best person to persuade Lena away from Ian is Ian. If she spends any length of time with him, especially under our supervision, she’ll see the error of her ways. So I figure why wait until the Christmas party? Let’s invite Ian over soon. Get it over and done with, and then I can stop worrying about it. Plus she’ll now have the contrast of the wonderful Master Elf. She’ll soon see why she shouldn’t be wasting her time on Ian.’

  Matthew thought his head might explode. Romance was complicated, especially when it wasn’t your own. He shrugged. ‘If you think it’s a good idea, I’ll ask him.’

  ‘What about Friday?’ she urged.

  ‘This Friday?’

  ‘Yes, this Friday.’

  ‘All right then,’ he agreed, wondering what on earth Ian – and Lena for that matter – were going to make of this latest development in the manipulation of their non-relationship.

  Chapter Seventeen

  Hello, Katy. What time do they do midnight mass in your local church? Carlos was just asking. Would someone be able to take him? Mum xx PS: It would be very nice if you replied to my texts once in a while.

  Katy put her phone back down on her bedside table. What was her mum doing, texting in the middle of the night? Didn’t she realise that Katy had more important things to worry about than getting Carlos to midnight mass? Besides, wasn’t it obvious what time midnight mass started?

  She’d been lying there going over the Christmas-tree debacle involving Ben, Millie and Braindead. She knew it would go down in history as one of the greatest Christmas memories of all time. She couldn’t help but wonder also what adventures awaited them all as Braindead hopefully embarked upon married life. How could she drag Ben away from that? His friends were here; his life was here. He was a Yorkshire lad through and through. He would still only drink tea out of his Leeds United mug, and occasionally she heard him muttering prayers to God when he watched them play. That’s how much he cared about this place. If they moved to Sydney it would be all for her, and she thought she’d asked him to make enough sacrifices already. He’d left his career to stay at home and look after their daughter so she could go back to work, and he’d done a stunning job of it. Much better, she suspected, than she would have done had she been the one at home all day with a baby.

  He’d made it work. Even taking the job at Millie’s preschool was above and beyond all expectation. He said he wanted to do it so he wasn’t bored at home, but she knew he also enjoyed it, and she wouldn’t be surprised if at some point he retrained to teach primary, something she knew he’d be brilliant at. How would he do that in Australia? In Australia, his prospects were probably limited to stay-at home dad to Millie with not even the thought of his longed-for second child to keep him happy.

  No, it was a non-starter. She wouldn’t even mention it to Ben. And truth be told, she couldn’t bear the thought of the look on his face when he realised the move could jeopardise the plan to add to the family. Why put him through that? She would call Cooper White and tell him in no uncertain terms that it was a no, and if he wanted to use that as a reason to not award the business to her firm then so be it. She couldn’t change her entire life for the sake of Butler & Calder.

  She walked into the office that morning taking a circular route in order to avoid Daniel. She didn’t need to see his sulky face just now; she didn’t need another lecture. She’d much prefer to make the call to Cooper and then strut triumphantly down to his office and tell him she’d already said no. She looked forward to a tearful hug followed by an insult and then life could carry on as normal.

  She sat down at her desk and took a deep breath and looked around her office. Her eyes fell on a framed photo of her with Ben and Millie sitting in a wooden frame on her desk. She looked at it and smiled: she’d made the right decision.

  She jumped as her phone rang. It was And
rew, her boss.

  ‘Can you just pop up to my office please?’ he asked then put the phone down without waiting for an answer.

  Her heart began to beat a little faster. I bet he wants a debrief on my meeting with Cooper, she thought. She’d managed to avoid him so far. What should she tell him? She’d have to bluff it out until she’d had a chance to talk to Cooper herself.

  She avoided walking past Daniel’s office yet again, taking the stairs up to the second floor, where Andrew had his corner office. She knocked politely on the door before walking in, and then just about managed to stop herself from gasping.

  ‘Hi, Katy,’ said Cooper, who was leaning casually back in a leather chair.

  ‘Hello,’ she replied, swallowing nervously. What was he up to now? Had he already told Andrew about the job offer? She looked over at Andrew as she took a seat. He was beaming at her. She hoped that meant that Cooper hadn’t told him, as she would have hoped he’d look a lot more miserable about losing his valuable head of account services.

  ‘Sounds like your dinner went very well,’ said Andrew.

  Katy glanced over at Cooper, who had the audacity to wink at her.

  ‘Yes,’ she replied. ‘The dhansak was particularly delicious.’

  Andrew roared with laughter.

  ‘I can totally understand why you’re so impressed with her,’ he said to Cooper. ‘She’s such a scream.’

  Katy returned the compliment with a fixed grin.

  ‘Do you want to tell her or shall I?’ continued Andrew, seemingly oblivious to her discomfort.

  ‘Go ahead,’ said Cooper. ‘Be my guest.’

  Andrew leaned forward across his desk, looking Katy straight in the eye.

  ‘You,’ he said, pointing at her, ‘are going to Sydney.’

  ‘What!’ said Katy, whirling round to look at Cooper. ‘But… but… I haven’t…’