No-one Ever Has Sex on Christmas Day: The most hilarious romantic comedy you'll read this Christmas

by Tracy Bloom

  Matthew sighed. ‘You’d better come through.’

  ‘Hold on a minute, chap,’ said Ian, pulling on his arm. ‘Just need to check something. It is Lena, isn’t it? Her name, I mean. Don’t want to get it wrong.’

  ‘Seriously?’ said Matthew.

  Ian shrugged. ‘Just checking.’

  ‘Yes, it’s Lena,’ replied Matthew, pulling his arm away and walking through the kitchen door.

  ‘I’m here,’ announced Ian as he waltzed through after him. Alison looked up and grimaced. Lena turned her head over her shoulder to look at him, her arms still submerged in the washing-up bowl. ‘What a beautiful sight to behold,’ he continued.

  ‘Two women slaving in the kitchen to cook a meal for men,’ sneered Alison, glaring at the roses.

  ‘No,’ said Ian. ‘Just two beautiful women.’ He advanced towards Alison and bent to kiss her on the cheek. ‘These are for you,’ he said. ‘So very kind of you to invite me over, I really appreciate it.’

  Matthew nearly laughed out loud at the look of surprise on Alison’s face. Ian truly was a genius when it came to playing women.

  ‘For me?’ she said in surprise.

  ‘Of course,’ he replied. ‘Matthew told me this was your idea, and I wanted to show you how grateful I was.’

  Alison put down her spoon and took the flowers from Ian, staring down at them in amazement.

  ‘Well thank you,’ she said, looking back up at him and giving him a small smile. ‘They’re beautiful.’

  ‘My pleasure,’ he replied before glancing over at Matthew. Matthew expected Ian to give him a crafty wink, but he didn’t succumb.

  ‘Drink?’ Matthew asked him.

  ‘That would be great, but let me lend a hand while you’re sorting that out,’ replied Ian. He leaned past Alison and picked a tea towel off the rail and went to stand next to Lena at the sink. She looked at him in surprise before handing him a suds-soaked saucepan.

  Matthew was in awe. Even for Ian this was a stellar performance: flowers for the lady of the house currently plotting his downfall and volunteering for drying duties alongside Lena. Matthew put the second bottle of white back in the fridge.

  After the washing-up had been completed, Matthew guided them to the table to be seated, only for Alison to rearrange everyone to make sure Ian and Lena were sitting diagonally across from each other. She’d looked accusingly at Matthew, as if to imply he should have guessed the correct seating arrangement for the occasion. Despite the reorganisation, however, it was still impossible to prevent Ian from openly staring at Lena. He’d not glimpsed her full-on until she’d turned from the sink and taken off her pinny. Her stunning make-up, flowing hair and figure-hugging dress had all but caused him to drool as his jaw dropped as he’d watched her glide gracefully over to the table. So entranced had he been that he nearly missed his mouth with his first mouthful of soup, forcing him to try and gather himself and attempt some kind of conversation.

  ‘So how was your day?’ Ian asked her.

  ‘It has been lovely,’ she replied. ‘I took George and Rebecca to the park. They love it there.’

  Matthew felt like he was in a Jane Austen novel as he oversaw the dating rituals of his charges over dinner. It was stiff and awkward, unlike any other dinner he had attended in the name of sociability. He wished he were anywhere but here.

  ‘George loves to play hide and seek but Rebecca’s favourite is the slide.’

  ‘The slide!’ exclaimed Ian. ‘I love a good slide too.’ He said this as though this thing in common with the daughter of her employer made them the perfect match. Matthew grimaced at Ian. This was new. He was tongue-tied in the face of this exotic beauty. She’d knocked his confidence and his chat-up lines were coming out worse than anything Matthew might have tried in his heyday.

  ‘George and Rebecca have started a new preschool,’ said Alison, stepping into the conversation. ‘It’s absolutely wonderful. They absolutely adore their new teacher, don’t they, Lena? What is his name again?’

  She shrugged. ‘I only know him as Master Elf. He is so very good with the children. He made them comfortable immediately.’ She giggled as if remembering something. ‘He made them go and find secret Santa in the toilet.’

  ‘What?’ exclaimed Alison, looking suddenly horrified.

  ‘It was just a joke really,’ reassured Lena. ‘But it made them happy. And it gave George his confidence. He so quickly forgot about me in his race to find the Santa.’

  ‘He sounds like a wonderful man,’ said Alison, grinning broadly at Lena.

  ‘He is kind,’ she said. ‘I can tell. Especially with the young.’

  ‘I expect you can tell a lot about a man from how he is with children?’ Ian asked her.

  ‘Oh yes,’ said Lena. ‘And how children are with them. Children don’t hide their thoughts.’

  ‘How are your children by the way?’ Alison asked Ian. ‘Have you seen them lately?’

  Ian swivelled his gaze to Alison, who was sitting beside him.

  Thirty points to Alison, thought Matthew.

  ‘Well they’ve both been at uni of course for the last few weeks,’ replied Ian. ‘I was married very young,’ he said to Lena. ‘I know you can’t believe that I’m a father of kids at college.’

  ‘And your wife?’ asked Lena, her brow furrowed.

  Thirty points to Lena, thought Matthew.

  ‘We divorced six years ago,’ he replied.

  ‘I am sorry,’ she said.

  ‘Not as sorry as she was,’ muttered Alison.

  Ian glanced at her uncomfortably then looked back at Lena.

  ‘Like I said, we married too young and then grew apart. Only I wasn’t mature enough to tell her straight. I had an affair and she found out. I’m not proud of it.’ He put down his spoon and patted his mouth with his napkin before he continued. ‘What I did was a terrible thing, but we needed to split up because we were making each other miserable. I would never, ever put someone through that again, but I’m glad it happened. She’s about to remarry actually, and he makes her happier than I ever could. We got two fantastic children out of the marriage, which I will never regret.’

  A silence fell around the table. Matthew was stunned. That was the most Ian had ever revealed about the end of his marriage. It was almost as if he’d expected to be asked.

  ‘Honesty, even when the news is bad, is a good thing,’ said Lena. ‘Honesty goes a long way.’

  Matthew looked over at Alison, who was staring at Ian and then at Lena. He had no idea who was winning now.

  ‘And will your children be with you for Christmas then, Ian?’ asked Alison.

  ‘Sadly no,’ he replied. ‘Catherine is spending it with her new boyfriend – in Slough, of all places. And Jack is with the family of one of his posh mates in Sweden. That’s what happens when you go to uni in Newcastle apparently. It’s where all the toffs go, so you end up celebrating Christmas naked in a sauna!’ He started to laugh then stopped, realising he’d slipped into normal Ian mode.

  ‘What are toffs?’ asked Lena.

  ‘Posh people,’ replied Ian. ‘People with money and aristocratic connections, bit like Alison.’ He winked at her. Matthew didn’t care for Ian’s chances now; this was dangerous ground.

  ‘But Alison is a good person,’ said Lena, before Alison could protest. ‘You make toffs sound like bad people.’

  Alison leaned back in her chair, awaiting Ian’s answer.

  ‘You’re right,’ agreed Ian fervently. ‘Alison is a good person, so you could never call her a toff. I guess it means someone who has more money than sense. Certainly not something you could accuse Alison of at all.’

  ‘And your son’s friends, do they have more money than sense?’ asked Lena.

  ‘Some maybe. But I trust Jack to see through that. Despite his father, he has a sensible head on his shoulders. He must get that from Carol.’

  ‘But you will miss them so at Christmas?’ Lena asked.

  ‘Desperatel
y,’ replied Ian. ‘It’ll be the first time ever I haven’t seen them both on Christmas Day. But they have their own lives to lead, I can’t tell them what to do. Who wants to spend Christmas with their old man when they can be in Sweden with their mates or with the love of their life in Slough?’ He shrugged. ‘I have to leave them to it and let them get on with it. It’s their life, not mine. I’m just happy they’re happy. That’s all that matters.’

  Lena leaned forward, looking at Ian intently.

  ‘They are lucky,’ she told him. ‘That you think that. My father would not say that. He thought he knew what was good for my happiness, but all he wanted was for me to do what made him happy, not what made me happy.’

  ‘I’m very sorry to hear that,’ replied Ian.

  If he had been sitting next to her he would have reached over and taken her hand. Matthew could tell that would have been his next move – Alison had been right about the seating arrangements.

  ‘Oh, it is all in the past. Nothing really. He was just very ambitious for me. He wanted me to study, study, study all the time. Go to university. Be a doctor or a lawyer or something. But it was not for me. All I could do was disappoint him.’

  Matthew could hear Ian’s response before it had even come out of his mouth.

  ‘There’s no way on earth you could be a disappointment,’ he said with a look of astonishment. ‘Could she, Alison?’

  Alison looked trapped, forced into collaboration on this conversation with nowhere to go. ‘Of course not,’ she said. ‘Lena’s brilliant. I honestly don’t know what we’d do without her.’ She directed this at Ian. He didn’t read the underlying threat in her voice.

  ‘That is very kind of you to say,’ added Lena. ‘I feel very lucky to be in such a good house with such good company.’ She smiled and raised her glass.

  ‘Well, I will drink to that,’ announced Ian, beaming at Lena. ‘To a good house in good company,’ he said, chinking his wine glass against her’s. Alison half-heartedly raised her water glass while Matthew tapped his glass against Lena’s and Ian’s before taking three generous gulps.

  ‘So tell me more about where you come from,’ Ian asked Lena as Alison cleared away the dessert plates.

  ‘Would you get the coffee on?’ Alison asked Matthew before Lena could reply. Matthew looked back at her in a daze. The meal had progressed with Ian continuing to play an absolute blinder. He’d judged the situation perfectly, dialling down his usual raucous patter to become a funny, charming man who was sympathetic to all his fellow diners. He’d gently cajoled Lena into opening up about her background, making her reveal more in an hour than Matthew and Alison had learnt in over eighteen months of her living under their own roof. Not forgetting he was there at Alison’s invitation, he splashed lavish praise on all the food, clearing up every scrap and asking for seconds as he lamented that living alone had made him lazy in the home-cooked food department and stressed how grateful he was to be enjoying a proper meal. He positioned himself perfectly as the struggling bachelor while being honest about the fact that he wasn’t short of girlfriends. ‘Loneliness’ apparently drove his constant need to seek out female company. Matthew did splutter at this slightly, as he was always under the impression that sex had something to do with it as well.

  ‘Dating in this day and age is like being in the toyshop but not being able to find your favourite toy. Lots of things to play with but nothing that you crave to have constantly by your side,’ he’d said at one point.

  ‘Are we supposed to feel sorry for you?’ Alison had asked in astonishment.

  ‘Yes,’ said Ian firmly. ‘Yes, you are. Look at you, you’ve got it all – a full house, literally. Whatever you think of me, Alison, I still go home to an empty house.’

  Matthew could sense Alison getting increasingly frustrated at Ian’s ability to charm and extract sympathy. She’d tried everything, asking him a list of probing questions that should have been guaranteed to expose his loose morals and suspect lifestyle, but somehow he’d managed to slip through her fingers. Every time he’d turned her questions into an opportunity for Lena to cock her head to one side and give him a look that dripped with compassion.

  ‘Do something,’ Alison hissed to Matthew when they collided at the sink, her dumping dishes and him filling the coffee pot with water.

  ‘Like what?’ Matthew hissed back. Ian had performed a masterclass in charm, and Alison had been totally outmanoeuvred. He’d warned her, and she hadn’t listened.

  ‘I don’t care,’ hissed back Alison. ‘Anything!’

  Matthew returned to the table in a daze. He’d drunk too much as his nervousness for the outcome of the evening had grown. He was in no fit state to take on a sober Ian. However, he knew that if he didn’t at least give it a shot, his life wouldn’t be worth living.

  He slumped down into his chair and took another slug of wine. There was one last thing he could think of; he would have to give it a try.

  ‘How’s the waterbed?’ Matthew asked Ian. ‘Still fun?’ Ian paled slightly, and Alison, standing behind him getting cups out, gave Matthew a thumbs up. He felt a wave of relief – he might just get out of this evening alive. Ian had bought a waterbed to please both himself and his last serious girlfriend, having tried one on a dirty weekend away in Blackpool.

  Ian picked up his glass of water and took a gulp before he spoke. He put the glass down and opened his mouth then closed it again.

  It was all over, thought Matthew. Finally a symbol of his lifestyle Ian couldn’t explain. Matthew reached for his glass to congratulate himself with more wine. Only somehow his hand wasn’t quite connecting with his eye line and he knocked a full glass of white flying, all over Ian.

  ‘Oh no!’ gasped Lena, immediately getting up and dashing round the table to hand him a napkin.

  ‘It’s OK,’ said Ian, taking the napkin from her and pressing it down on his leg to try and soak up the liquid. ‘It’s only wine, I’ve had worse chucked at me.’

  ‘Sorry, mate,’ said Matthew, handing over another napkin.

  ‘Not a problem,’ replied Ian. ‘I know you didn’t mean it.’ He glanced up, giving him a meaningful look.

  ‘Here’s a wet cloth,’ said Alison, dashing over. ‘Press it over it.’

  ‘Are you sure you are OK?’ asked Lena, putting a hand on his shoulder.

  ‘I’ll live,’ he replied, covering her hand with his. He looked into her eyes and smiled. ‘Look, it’s probably time I went anyway. I’ll go home and get these wet things off, if you don’t mind. It’s been lovely, though – thank you so much, Alison.’

  ‘I’m sorry,’ said Matthew feebly. Alison glared at him.

  ‘Oh, I nearly forgot,’ said Ian. ‘I made you something, Lena.’ He walked out into the hall, soggy-legged, and came back a moment later with a small paper bag and handed it over to Lena. She looked at him with a confused smile then peered in. When she looked back up, her face shone.

  ‘How?’ was all she said.

  ‘YouTube,’ he replied.

  She laughed and carefully pulled out what looked like some kind of snowflake made of white tubes. She held it up to the light as it dangled from a string.

  ‘It’s what they do in Lithuania at Christmas,’ Ian told Matthew and Alison. ‘They make decorations out of paper straws. Thought I’d give it a go.’ He shrugged as though this was totally normal.

  Lena was enchanted, rotating the slightly wonky snowflake in her fingers. Matthew and Alison shook their heads in disbelief.

  ‘It’s amazing,’ said Lena. ‘Brings back such memories.’

  ‘Good ones, I hope?’ Ian asked.

  ‘Yes,’ she said. ‘Thank you, it is so very kind and thoughtful.’

  Ian grinned. ‘Would you see me to my car?’ he asked.

  ‘Of course,’ replied Lena, and Matthew and Alison watched as they left the room, closing the door softly behind them.

  ‘You nearly had him,’ said Alison.

  ‘I know, I’m sorry.’


  ‘I’m not sure that Master Elf can beat Lithuanian Christmas tree decorations,’ she added, leaning back in her chair and shaking her head. ‘But he’s going to have to try. We need him now more than ever.’

  Chapter Nineteen

  ‘I’ve got it,’ said Daniel, standing up and walking around the agency’s boardroom the following Monday afternoon. He stopped dramatically in front of Ben and Braindead.

  ‘She’ll want to be the centre of attention, right?’ he asked.

  Braindead nodded.

  ‘She’ll want to be made to feel like a princess, right?’

  He nodded again.

  ‘Belle of the ball?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Fireworks, strobe lighting, music throbbing, a smoke machine perhaps?’ he continued.

  ‘Sounds like Abby,’ agreed Braindead, ‘but there’s no way on earth I can afford all that.’

  ‘You don’t have to,’ Daniel told him. ‘That is the genius of this plan.’

  ‘You’re scaring me now,’ said Braindead. ‘What are you talking about?’

  ‘Just tell him, Daniel,’ said Ben, looking at his watch. He had to pick Millie up in half an hour. He hadn’t expected it to take this long.

  ‘You propose at Christmas Party Land!’

  ‘Come on, Braindead,’ Ben had said earlier as they stood outside the offices of Butler & Calder. ‘We only have an hour, and we’re already late.’

  ‘Are you sure this is a good idea?’ asked Braindead as the automatic doors slid apart before them. ‘When you suggested we ask Daniel for help, I thought we’d be having a pint down at The Feathers with him while he gave me a few pointers. Stopped me making a fool of myself. Told me how to impress Abby. I wasn’t expecting this,’ he said, throwing his arms wide to indicate the vast and modernist reception space.

  ‘What do you mean, “this”?’

  ‘I mean, a meeting,’ explained Braindead. ‘You don’t come here for a casual chat, do you? Nothing casual happens here. I mean, look at the chairs. Designed to be uncasual.’