No-one Ever Has Sex on Christmas Day: The most hilarious romantic comedy you'll read this Christmas

by Tracy Bloom

  ‘No, Lena saw him. She’s going to find him so she can introduce us, aren’t you, Lena?’

  ‘He works in a preschool and calls himself Master Elf?’ questioned Ian, looking knocked off balance for the first time that evening. ‘Sounds like a bit of a dweeb.’

  ‘What is a dweeb?’ asked Lena.

  ‘Well, you know… er… he sounds unusual. I’m imagining a short tubby man who wears a hat with a bell on it.’

  ‘Oh no, he is tall and very athletic, I would say,’ said Lena.

  Ian nodded. ‘Right.’

  Alison grinned at him. ‘Shall we go and root him out after dinner,’ she said, ‘and then we can all meet Master Elf, can’t we, Ian?’

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  ‘Oh my God,’ screamed Abby the minute she saw Ben and Katy. ‘I’m so excited you’re here too. Have you seen any lions yet?’ She practically ran at them, engulfing them in a heady mix of alcohol fumes and perfume.

  ‘Isn’t this just brilliant?’ she gasped. ‘I luuuurve the palm trees! I so want to take one home.’

  Katy couldn’t help but notice that Abby was swaying slightly. ‘Are you OK?’ she asked, grabbing her as she tilted dangerously to the left.

  ‘Oh, I’m fine,’ she giggled. ‘I’m just peaking a bit soon, but I’ll be OK. I’m now alternating between bottles of water and bottles of wine. Slowing me down a bit. Just need some food,’ she said, looking around vacantly. ‘I can’t remember the last time I had any food.’

  ‘You look lovely, by the way,’ said Katy, grabbing hold of her arm again to stop her falling over.

  ‘Took me all morning to get ready. I was up at nine. On a Saturday! What’s that all about?’

  ‘All morning? What do you mean, all morning?’

  ‘We’ve been out since twelve,’ said Abby. ‘We’ve had such a laugh. But I tell you what – I’m knackered now. Where’s Braindead? He’s coming, you know. With Daniel. But this isn’t him, is it?’ she said, looking around. ‘Not all these people and the theming shit. He’ll have something to say about those totem poles, won’t he? Oh, I wish he was here now,’ she whined before resting her head on Ben’s shoulder and closing her eyes.

  Ben looked at Katy.

  ‘She’s hammered,’ he whispered.

  ‘I know,’ she hissed back.

  ‘What do we do?’

  ‘We’ve got to try and sober her up.’

  ‘How do we do that?’

  Katy looked at Abby. She still had her eyes closed; she could well be passed out on Ben’s shoulder.

  ‘Why don’t I take her to her table and force-feed her water and see if I can get some bread rolls into her or something? You go and find Braindead and warn him. Perhaps you should suggest they ditch the dancing bit. The less involvement from Abby in this proposal the better, don’t you think?’

  ‘Definitely.’

  ‘Abby,’ said Katy, shaking her shoulder. ‘Abby, let’s go and find you some food, eh? Will you come with me?’

  ‘Eh? Yeah, good idea,’ she replied, blinking her eyes open and allowing herself to be guided away from the vast foyer and into the dining area.

  ‘Good luck,’ said Ben.

  ‘You too,’ replied Katy. ‘Hurry up!’

  Ben asked a security guy by the door where he might find the technician for the show. The man shrugged. Ben wanted to shake him, but he was bigger than him.

  He ran into the main dining hall where he could see Katy and Abby stumbling across chairs at the far end of the room. There was a stage set up at the near end with ropes and bars hanging from the ceiling as well as trampolines lying on the floor that had to be part of the evening’s entertainment. There was only one thing for it. He leapt up on stage and strode confidently through the wings into the backstage area.

  He was met with a tangle of people dressed in a variety of African costumes, including acrobats dressed as monkeys and dancers dressed as every animal you might expect to see on safari. Such was the throng that they didn’t notice a smartly dressed man push his way through, looking for any sign of his friend.

  ‘Don’t touch my balls!’

  He heard a shout coming from somewhere towards the back. That had to be Braindead. He dashed towards where he sensed the commotion coming from.

  ‘Will you look at what they’re doing to me!’ Braindead cried as Ben approached. Ben fought the urge to laugh when he caught sight of his friend being trussed up like a chicken as some bloke in a black T-shirt manhandled him into a harness. Daniel was watching from a distance, clearly also fighting hard the desire to laugh.

  ‘You all right?’ Ben asked, wondering how he was going to break the news that there was a spanner in the works.

  ‘Fucking terrified,’ said Braindead. ‘This had better work or else I’m going to kill the pair of you for landing me in this position.’ Fortunately he was distracted by a six-foot-tall female dancer gliding by. Ben took the opportunity to take Daniel to one side and explain that Abby was drunk. Perhaps the news would be better coming from Daniel.

  ‘Slight problem,’ Ben told him.

  ‘Don’t bring me problems!’ exclaimed Daniel, clearly a little tense. ‘Bring me solutions.’

  ‘We’re not in the office now, you know,’ bit back Ben. ‘We are backstage with a shedload of safari animals, some ridiculously tall women, Braindead doing an impression of Hannibal Lecter in his straitjacket and… and… and…’

  ‘And what?’ demanded Daniel.

  ‘Abby is completely hammered. She’s been out drinking since lunchtime. She can barely stand.’

  ‘What!’ exploded Daniel. ‘Are you serious? The selfish bitch! What the hell is she doing, getting pissed before she’s about to be proposed to in the most spectacular fashion you could ever imagine?’

  ‘She wasn’t to know, was she?’

  ‘All these weeks of planning completely wasted,’ wailed Daniel.

  ‘We only thought of it on Monday,’ Ben reminded him.

  ‘How bad is she?’

  ‘Katy’s trying to sober her up now. She thinks we need to ditch the dancing, just go straight for the proposal. She’ll fall flat on her arse and probably drag Braindead down with her if they attempt any coordinated movement.’

  Daniel nodded. ‘Katy’s right, all is not lost. We can salvage this. Just ditch the dance. Let’s tell Braindead.’

  ‘Shall we not tell him she’s drunk? I think he’ll totally bottle it if we do,’ said Ben.

  Daniel nodded. ‘Absolutely. We need to make sure something good comes out of this shambles. If Braindead isn’t engaged after all this, well, I’m giving up on romance.’

  ‘What are you two whispering about?’ shouted Braindead. ‘You’re not setting me up, are you? Is this some elaborate plot to make me look like an idiot? Because if it is then I think you’d better come clean now.’

  ‘No, mate, no,’ said Ben, walking back over towards him.

  ‘We were just saying,’ said Daniel, ‘that having seen the dance floor, we don’t think it has the right intimacy to carry off the dance, and we thought you should consider not doing it and going straight for the proposal.’

  Braindead stared back at them. Please say yes, thought Ben.

  ‘Thank you, thank you, thank you,’ said Braindead, heaving a huge sigh of relief. ‘I never liked that idea. Thought I was going to look like a twat, to be honest. So I just float to the ground, someone will unhook me and I’ll call Abby on to the dance floor and get down on one knee?’

  ‘The crowd goes wild, applause, applause, applause, and we all live happily ever after,’ said Daniel, looking sideways at Ben.

  ‘Exactly,’ agreed Ben, crossing his fingers that it would just be Braindead on his knees in the middle of the dance floor in front of 700 people and not Abby as well.

  A loud bell chimed backstage and a momentary hush fell.

  ‘What’s that?’ gasped Braindead. ‘What does that mean?’

  ‘It means they’re calling everyone to dinner so i
t’s ten minutes until showtime,’ said the technician, still adjusting straps. ‘We need to get you up there pronto.’

  ‘Oh shit,’ said Braindead. He looked over at Ben, the colour having drained from his face. Ben wondered if it was the height he was about to scale, being dangled on the end of a rope or proposing to Abby in front of hundreds of people that Braindead was most afraid of. Probably all three. Braindead rarely strayed outside of his comfort zone; in fact he made it his mission in life to stay firmly in his comfort zone. It was really only Abby who had managed to cajole him into experiences you never would have dreamed he would partake in. This was certainly one of those experiences.

  ‘Good luck, mate,’ said Ben, slapping his friend on the back.

  ‘Cheers,’ said Braindead. ‘See you on the other side, eh?’

  ‘Yep.’ Ben nodded. ‘I love you, you know.’ He bent forward to give him a hug.

  ‘Give over,’ replied Braindead when Ben released him. ‘Don’t get all sentimental on me now.’

  ‘I’m there for you, mate,’ he said and turned to walk away. ‘I think you might need me,’ he muttered under his breath.

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  By the time Ben and Daniel emerged from backstage, 700 people were trying to find their table. People jostled past each other, eager to check they had their fair share of wine waiting for them and that they were sitting next to the right person, whether that be their partner, or someone they wished to be their partner by the end of the evening. It was a noisy mass of shiny satin and eager faces.

  Ben and Daniel had no idea where their table was, so after some time swimming against the tide and looking for a familiar face they decided to head back out to the bar area to refer to the seating plan.

  ‘Table thirteen,’ said Daniel, finding it first. ‘Unlucky for some.’

  ‘Don’t say that,’ said Ben. ‘I hope Katy’s managed to sort Abby out. This could all go so wrong.’ He was beginning to regret not having told Braindead to ditch the entire idea. ‘We should never have pushed him this far.’

  ‘When you want to pull off something this big then you have to take a risk,’ said Daniel.

  ‘We should have at least done a risk assessment,’ mumbled Ben. ‘We should have predicted that the biggest risk could be Abby turning up drunk.’

  ‘Katy will be dealing with it,’ said Daniel confidently. ‘This is what she does. This is why she’s so damn good at her job – she manages mini-crises all the time.’

  ‘Well, I hope so or else Braindead may never recover. And he’ll definitely never ever get married.’

  The room was starting to calm down now as people took their seats and ceased their gossiping about who was wearing what. Finally Ben could see across the room and spotted Katy urgently beckoning them over to table thirteen.

  ‘Over there,’ Ben told Daniel, pointing at Katy. ‘Can you see Abby?’

  ‘No,’ said Daniel. ‘But she’ll be sitting with her colleagues, won’t she? She’s on table ten – we checked when we came in so Braindead knew where to head once he landed on the dance floor.’

  ‘You’re right,’ said Ben, feeling relieved. He tried to look for table ten as they continued their journey to Katy. He’d just like to catch a glimpse of Abby to see that she could at least stand up.

  ‘Is she OK?’ asked Ben as they finally got to table thirteen.

  ‘Take a look for yourself,’ replied Katy. She lifted the tablecloth. Abby was lying on the floor, fast asleep.

  ‘Wake her up!’ exclaimed Daniel. ‘Wake her up!’

  ‘You try.’

  Daniel bent down and shook her shoulder vigorously. ‘Abby! Abby! You need to wake up. Now, Abby!’

  ‘Nooerrr. Leave ma alone,’ she muttered, batting him away.

  Daniel looked up at Katy, pure fear written all over both of their faces. Ben was also staring at her.

  ‘Do something!’ they both exclaimed.

  ‘What am I supposed to do?’ asked Katy.

  ‘I have no idea, but we need to do something. This is a disaster,’ said Ben. ‘Braindead can’t swoop down from the sky and propose to that.’ He pointed at the slumped lump that was Abby. ‘We have to stop him, we have to stop this farce now.’ He turned and fled back towards the stage.

  ‘I’ll go too,’ said Daniel, getting up from the floor and chasing after him.

  Katy looked down at Abby and dropped the tablecloth over her. The only answer was to let her sleep it off. She’d tried everything bar chucking water over her, as she didn’t think Abby would ever forgive her if she ruined her make-up.

  As she looked up, the lights in the venue suddenly went down, leaving the ceiling to appear to be lit by hundreds of twinkling stars. The noisy crowd hushed their voices as the African drumbeat picked up pace, getting louder and louder until it resembled a drum roll. The effect was to fill the room with an enormous sense of anticipation. There was almost complete quiet by the time the drum roll reached its crescendo then stopped before a spotlight beamed on to the ceiling revealing a masked man in a dinner suit, holding a yellow rose between his teeth.

  They didn’t get to him in time, thought Katy, her heart now beating as fast as the African drums had been. This was happening. Braindead was about to propose to thin air. What could she do? She saw Ben and Daniel freeze halfway across the space; mouths open, gazing up at Braindead. By now people in the crowd were pointing and nudging each other, wondering what on earth a man was doing, dangling from the ceiling.

  The fiasco lurched to the precipice as the unmistakable music from Beauty and the Beast began to fill the room and Braindead began his descent. Bizarrely, he appeared to be enjoying himself, smiling and waving from behind his Zorro mask at the hundreds of faces gazing up at him in awe. So much so he began to work the crowd, encouraging them to clap and cheer so that when his feet hit the floor the sound of applause was deafening. He grinned from ear to ear, bowing to all corners of the dance floor, then confidently strode over to table ten, searching for signs of his future fiancée.

  Katy ran her hands through her hair. Ben and Daniel were still rooted to the spot. No-one knew what to do as Katy spotted a flicker of confusion fall across Braindead’s face.

  ‘I’m here,’ shouted Katy, standing up and staggering towards Braindead, who was now stranded on the edge of the dance floor. ‘What are you doing?’ she declared. ‘I can’t believe my boyfriend would do something so cool,’ she shouted, throwing her arms around his neck and engulfing him in an enormous hug.

  ‘Propose to me,’ she hissed in his ear. ‘Abby is too pissed.’

  ‘What?’ he said, trying to pull away but she just gripped him tighter.

  ‘She’s passed out. Propose to me and then we’ll get you out of here.’

  She let him pull away so she could look into his terrified eyes and then gently put her hands on his shoulders and pushed him down to his knees.

  The entire room let out oohs and ahhs as they caught on to what was happening.

  Braindead looked around warily and saw a sea of 700 faces looking at him expectantly. He looked at Katy as she tried to smile encouragingly.

  ‘Will you… will you… marry me?’ he stuttered before throwing his arms in the air in utter confusion. The room was silent as it waited for Katy’s response. She looked around nervously. Hundreds of sets of eyes were now focused on her.’

  ‘Yes,’ she said nodding and forced a smile. ‘Yes!’

  The entire room went crazy. People stood and cheered. Women cried. A man from table twenty-eight walked over to Braindead and shook his hand.

  This is terrible, thought Katy. And then it got a whole lot worse. Suddenly the sound of Bing Crosby filled the room, declaring his dream of a white Christmas. Braindead was encouraged to his feet by the man who’d shaken his hand, and he and Katy stared at each other awkwardly as the delirious crowd went mental with happiness around them. And then the fake snow started to fall.

  ‘What the fuck?’ said Braindead, looking up into the
roof as globs of foam floated to the ground. ‘What just happened?’ he asked Katy. ‘I don’t have to marry you now, do I?’

  ‘No,’ replied Katy. ‘Let’s call this damage limitation. I think we do have to dance though.’

  ‘Seriously?’

  ‘I’m afraid so.’ Katy grabbed him and attempted to whirl him round the dance floor. ‘You need to pretend to look pleased,’ she urged.

  ‘I have no idea what just happened. I think I’m having post-traumatic shock.’

  ‘Abby is asleep under table thirteen. Get this dance over with and I’ll take you over, and we’ll get you both out of here.’

  ‘This is the worst experience of my life,’ he wailed. ‘When I see Daniel, I’m going to kill him.’

  Katy was dimly aware of people taking pictures of the happy couple. She decided not to point this out to Braindead.

  ‘I should have known anything that required me to dangle from a ceiling was doomed.’

  ‘It’s not Daniel’s fault Abby got drunk too soon.’

  ‘You can’t blame Abby for any of this. She wasn’t to know. It’s her Christmas party, she had every right to be drunk. I had no right to assume she would be sober just because I was going to propose. Can we stop now?’

  Braindead stopped abruptly and stormed off the dance floor while Katy tried to grab his hand to indicate that they could possibly be a blissfully happy, newly engaged couple.

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  ‘Is that… is that… is that Katy?’ said Matthew half to himself, shielding his eyes from the light to try and get a better look. He hadn’t said her name in a very long time and even now it sat guiltily on his lips. Alison hadn’t heard him. She was too busy moving her seat grumpily because Ian had politely asked her if she would swap with him so he could sit next to Lena.

  It is Katy, thought Matthew. He’d know her anywhere. Simply by the way she held herself. Why was she standing in front of a man on his knees who had just dangled rather ridiculously from the ceiling with a rose between his teeth? It looked like a proposal, but surely not? The man wasn’t Ben. He was wearing a mask, but Matthew could tell it wasn’t him. Had Katy dumped Ben and moved on to someone else? Either way, this type of proposal didn’t feel like Katy – she was far too sophisticated for this.