No-one Ever Has Sex on Christmas Day: The most hilarious romantic comedy you'll read this Christmas

by Tracy Bloom

  ‘Just come and sit down a minute,’ she said, leading him over to the sofas where moments earlier they had sat with a drunken Abby.

  ‘What?’ he said, looking quizzically at her. ‘What’s going on, Katy?’

  ‘I’ve been trying to tell you, but I was hoping there would be nothing to tell.’

  ‘What do you mean? For fuck’s sake, Katy, what’s going on?’

  ‘This trip to Australia,’ she said slowly. ‘Well, I’m going there to see Boomerang Airlines, but there’s also a job there if I want it. If we want it.’

  ‘What do you mean, a job?’

  ‘Cooper White has offered me the role of brand director for Boomerang Airlines. In Australia.’

  ‘You’ve been offered a job in Australia… but… why didn’t you say? Why not tell me?’ He lay back, his hand on his forehead, trying to take it all in. ‘That could be all right, couldn’t it? I’d need to think about it, of course, but I could be up for Australia, I think. Never thought about living abroad, to be honest, but I wouldn’t dismiss it, I don’t think. I don’t know. But why are you only telling me now?’

  ‘Because if I take the job, if we moved to Australia, then we probably wouldn’t be able to have another baby for a couple of years.’

  ‘Oh right,’ said Ben, screwing his forehead up.

  ‘And then I’d be kind of old for a baby. So there’s a greater risk I may not conceive.’

  ‘Right, I see.’ He was nodding, but she could see his brain was struggling to keep up with the implications of what she was saying.

  ‘So… so… what are you saying?’ he said eventually, sitting back up. ‘I’m sorry, Katy, you’ll have to spell it out for me. I can’t compute all of this. One minute you seem to be telling me we could be moving to Australia, and the next minute you’re telling me we might not be able to have any more kids?’

  ‘That is kind of exactly what I’m saying. We may not be able to have both. A new life in Australia and kids, I mean. We may have to choose. It’s why I haven’t said anything. I was hoping that I could go to Australia and it would be clear to me that actually the job and the lifestyle isn’t what I want, then I wouldn’t even have to trouble you with it.’

  Ben leaned back on the sofa again in shock, both hands clasped over his forehead now. She reached out to touch his knee, but he instantly reached down and shoved it off.

  ‘What about what I want?’ he said. His face was angry.

  ‘I think I know what you want,’ she said tentatively. ‘You want another baby. I was trying to avoid this. I didn’t want to talk to you about it until I knew what I really wanted. I’m confused, Ben. I didn’t think it would help to decide what we should do if my head is all in a mess over it.’

  ‘Don’t you want another baby?’

  ‘Yes – well, I think so.’

  ‘What do you mean, you think so?’

  ‘It’s just, well, it’s tempting, isn’t it? Moving to Australia? And the job would be amazing.’

  Ben was shaking his head.

  ‘Come on, even you said a minute ago you’d like to live there.’

  ‘I didn’t realise we were talking about a choice then. It’s a no-brainer, isn’t it? It’s got to be a baby. I can’t even believe you’re considering it. I’ve been the stay-at-home parent for your career. I made that sacrifice. Now you’re asking me to sacrifice having another member of our family for your career. Screw your career, quite frankly.’

  Katy recoiled in horror.

  ‘It’s a no-brainer surely?’ repeated Ben.

  ‘I think it is,’ said Katy. ‘I guess I just want to be sure.’

  Ben stared at her as though he couldn’t believe his ears.

  ‘I don’t understand,’ he said.

  She took his hands, and thankfully he allowed her.

  ‘This would be a different conversation if I were a man,’ she said.

  ‘Why would it?’

  ‘If you were being offered the job in Sydney, we could just go, couldn’t we? Get on a plane; I could have a baby – everyone’s happy. But we can’t do that, can we? I have to make a choice. Sorry, we have to make a choice?’

  He stared back at her. ‘Yes,’ he said eventually. ‘We have to. Not you, we. I still don’t understand why you’re only telling me now. I understand that it’s tough making these decisions but it’s a whole lot tougher if you don’t talk to me about it.’

  ‘I tried to tell you but you wouldn’t even let me talk about going to Australia, never mind living there,’ she pleaded. ‘And I didn’t think there was going to be anything to talk about. He offered me the job and I’d decided it was a no. Definitely a no. Then he asks Andrew if I’ll go and see the operation in Sydney. I couldn’t refuse, Ben. It’s part of securing the contract. I know it’s a stealth move on Cooper’s part. He’s trying to convince me to take the job. I didn’t want to have this conversation. What I wanted was to come home having rejected the job offer and have it clear in my head that I want another baby.’

  ‘But why not tell me that?’

  ‘Because you are so damn sure, Ben. I couldn’t bear the thought of telling you I wasn’t. Admitting to you that I’m not sure about another baby… it felt like a massive deal.’

  ‘It is a massive deal.’

  ‘Exactly. So before I told you I wasn’t sure, I wanted to be sure I wasn’t sure.’

  ‘This isn’t making any sense. Either you want another baby or you don’t.’

  ‘I’m trying to explain, Ben. I don’t know, I just don’t know.’

  ‘And you think swanning off to Sydney with Cooper What’s His Face is going to help you decide more than actually talking to me about it?’

  ‘No. I mean yes. I mean I didn’t mean to shut you out – honestly, I didn’t. I was trying to protect your feelings, not make you angry.’

  ‘Tell you what,’ he said, getting up. ‘You go to Sydney and talk to Cooper about whether or not we have another child, and you let me know when you get back, will you? Can’t wait to hear what Cooper thinks is in my future.’

  ‘No, it’s not like that!’ exclaimed Katy, chasing after him as he strode towards the door. ‘I promise you it isn’t like that.’

  He paused, turning back to face her. ‘I’m going to see if Braindead is all right. I’ll see you in the morning.’

  ‘No, Ben! You need to listen.’

  ‘Oh, you want to talk to me about it now, do you? Well too damn late, Katy!’

  She watched as he left the building. She felt hot tears instantly well up in her eyes. What a screw up. How could she have been such an idiot?

  ‘Oh look, it’s the woman who got engaged,’ she heard someone cry from her left. Before she could make her escape the woman engulfed her in a drunken hug. ‘I was in bits,’ the woman breathed down her ear. ‘That was the most romantic thing I have ever seen. You are so lucky. Please tell me where you found him?’ she asked, pulling away. ‘Does he have any friends? I would kill for a man like that.’

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  ‘You are a crazy lady,’ Ian told Lena as she stepped off her bumper car. ‘Remind me never to get into a car with you behind the wheel.’

  Lena laughed. ‘You expected to be better, huh? At bumping? You expected me to hold back? To be shy? To be kind?’

  Ian paused for a moment and looked at her. ‘No, actually,’ he said eventually. ‘I think you are more than capable of holding your own. Despite what Alison might think.’

  ‘I can take care of myself,’ she said and nodded, giving him a knowing look.

  ‘I know you can,’ said Ian. ‘Look, you know, don’t you, that Alison doesn’t want you to get involved with me? I can’t blame her. My record isn’t great. But… but…’

  ‘I can take care of myself,’ repeated Lena, smiling.

  Ian swallowed. ‘That’s what frightens me.’

  She threw back her head and laughed.

  For the first time possibly in his whole life, Ian was at a loss for words. Len
a was making him think things he had not thought in a long time. Normally he would just move in for a kiss, but somehow he was paralysed. Petrified of making the wrong move. In normal Ian mode he would have slept with her by now, and if he hadn’t then he would have dumped her. But Lena was different: she was extraordinary and called for extraordinary measures.

  ‘I am so cold,’ she said eventually when Ian didn’t speak. ‘What is it with you Brits that you insist on standing in the cold with no coat?’

  ‘Is it cold?’ Ian asked. ‘I hadn’t even noticed.’

  ‘Please no,’ replied Lena, collapsing again with laughter.

  ‘No really, I meant that line. No honestly. I hadn’t realised it was cold. I’m not cold.’

  ‘Your nose is red. You look like Rudolph.’

  ‘You are so not kind!’

  ‘A cute Rudolph.’

  ‘Is that supposed to make me feel better?’

  ‘No,’ said Lena, shaking her head.

  ‘Will you spend Christmas with me?’ he blurted out suddenly. He realised he didn’t want to just have sex with Lena – he wanted so much more than that.

  ‘You are not serious,’ she replied.

  ‘No, I have never been more serious. I’ll, er… I’ll cook a turkey, or do you even have turkey in Lithuania? What do you have? Tell me and I’ll cook it for you.’

  Lena took a step back. Her smile had disappeared. ‘You are lonely, I remember. You are alone for Christmas. This makes people say weird things.’

  ‘No!’ Ian exclaimed. ‘Yes – I mean no. I mean yes, I am alone this Christmas, but that isn’t why I’m asking you. I just want to spend time with you. Really I do.’

  Lena raised her eyebrows, a distinct look of suspicion on her face. ‘You have a bad reputation,’ she said.

  ‘Look,’ said Ian. ‘You’ve probably heard all sorts of stories from Matthew. But this isn’t like that, I promise you.’

  ‘You just want me to come over on Christmas Day and you want to cook me a meal,’ she said as though she didn’t believe him.

  ‘Yes, I honestly do. How can I convince you?’ Ian looked around in despair. ‘No-one ever has sex on Christmas Day, do they?’ he said eventually. ‘I mean, it’s so not sexy. Kids up at the crack of dawn, hands up turkeys’ backsides before breakfast, stomachs bloated by too much food and alcohol, exhaustion from weeks of celebrating. All you want to do on Christmas Day is spend time with the ones you care about. I’d very much like to do that with you. If you would like to, that is.’

  Lena looked at Ian for a long time.

  ‘Fish,’ she said.

  ‘What?’

  ‘We often eat fish at Christmas.’

  ‘Right – fish. Great, fish it is.’

  She broke into a smile then leaned forward and kissed him delicately on the lips.

  ‘I think all my Christmases have come at once,’ he gasped when he opened his eyes and met her gaze. He leaned forward to kiss her again but she sidestepped quickly.

  ‘Will you dance?’ she asked, a wicked smile on her face.

  ‘Are going to make me sweat, literally, for another kiss?’ asked Ian with a bigger smile on his face.

  ‘Come on, Rudolph,’ she said, grabbing his hand and dragging him back towards the main hall. ‘We will dance because it is Christmas, and because that is what you do. We will dance a happy Christmas dance. And you can tell me all about how you will cook that fish for me on Christmas Day.’

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  ‘Is that what I should have done then?’ said Braindead, slumped on the sofa next to Ben. ‘Learn a bloody foreign language?’

  They were watching Love Actually, sipping from cans of Fosters. They hadn’t intended to watch it, but it happened to be on because it was Christmas and it was always on at Christmas. They had already watched Kris Marshall arrive in America and walk into a bar where all the stunning women thought his accent was the sexiest thing on the planet. Braindead had commented on the unfairness of this scenario. ‘What kind of warped world do we live in when you have to go overseas to be sexy?’

  They were now watching Colin Firth’s proposal in bad Portuguese. They both squirmed, thinking about the catastrophe of Braindead’s efforts earlier in the evening.

  ‘Hope there was no-one I knew there,’ muttered Braindead, ‘or else I’m going to have to spend the whole of Christmas explaining why I swung from the ceiling and proposed to your wife. They put you in a straitjacket for less than that.’

  ‘You might have had a lucky escape, mate,’ Ben mumbled back. ‘Struggling to see the point of marriage myself right at this moment.’

  ‘Mmm,’ agreed Braindead as the entire Portuguese restaurant erupted as Colin Firth’s ex-cleaning lady agreed to marry him.

  ‘It’s bloody love, isn’t it?’ muttered Braindead.

  ‘Actually…’ huffed Ben.

  ‘What?’

  ‘Love Actually.’

  ‘Yeah that. It’s dangerous.’

  ‘What is?’

  ‘Love.’

  ‘Love Actually?’

  ‘Actually, yes. It is.’

  ‘It messes with your brain.’

  ‘It sure does.’

  ‘Is there a cure?’

  ‘I doubt it.’

  ‘So we’re screwed.’

  ‘Pretty much.’

  Chapter Twenty-Nine

  I know you’re in Australia but please will you call Gabriel and invite him for Christmas dinner. I’ve asked him, but he is so polite that he doesn’t want to impose. Will you just call him? Is it too much to ask for Carlos to have his son with him at Christmas?

  Katy was just about to send an angry text back to her mother, who couldn’t seem to understand that she had other things on her mind apart from the well-being of her new boyfriend, when Millie appeared on the tablet that was balancing on her knee.

  ‘Have you seen a kangaroo yet, Mummy?’ she asked immediately, bouncing up and down while stuffing toast into her mouth.

  ‘Hello Millie,’ she replied. ‘No kangaroos yet.’ She knew Ben would be hovering somewhere out of sight listening to every word. ‘I’m not sure there are any in Sydney.’

  ‘When are you coming home?’

  ‘Not long now. I’ll be back soon.’

  ‘I’m Mary in the Nativity,’ she said.

  ‘I know, I can’t wait to see you.’

  ‘Who is that, Mummy?’

  ‘Who do you mean?’

  ‘That person standing behind you.’

  Katy swivelled her head round.

  ‘Next to the swimming pool,’ Millie added helpfully.

  Katy could see that Cooper had drifted into shot behind her, busy chatting to the HR director from Boomerang Airlines.

  She swivelled back round and could see Ben and Millie now staring back at her expectantly.

  ‘These are the people who’ve been showing me round,’ she said. She tried really hard to stop herself going pink as though she’d been caught doing something she shouldn’t. It was her second night in Sydney, and Cooper had invited her to his house along with his senior team. When she’d walked through the enormous French doors out on to the patio her jaw had literally dropped. Beyond the pool lay the glittering expanse of the Pacific Ocean. It could not be more spectacular.

  ‘Not bad, eh?’ Cooper had said.

  She’d nodded. ‘It’s nice. Quite nice.’

  ‘Can I get you a drink? How about a Chardonnay from a winery not far from here?’

  ‘Thank you,’ Katy had replied, thinking those were words you’d never hear in Leeds.

  She’d stood awkwardly gazing at the view until Cooper had returned with a glass of wine that looked so delicious she just wanted to look at it. The soft yellow had glowed through the glistening, condensation-soaked glass. She’d sipped and found it truly did taste like the best wine she had ever had. Far better than the special-offer wine from the supermarket that she normally drank. Or that rubbish that Ben had purchased at the discount
warehouse.

  ‘I could take you to the vineyard tomorrow evening if you like? I know the owner. He’d lay on a tasting, I’m sure.’

  Katy had looked at Cooper, horrified. She should have stayed at home. This had been such a mistake.

  ‘We won’t have time, will we?’ she’d said. ‘I thought you were taking me to see the facility in Brisbane tomorrow?’

  ‘Oh we’ll have plenty of time. We’ll be back by five, and then we’ll take the chopper up there. Robbie has a landing pad. No worries.’

  ‘The chopper?’

  ‘Helicopter.’

  ‘Right.’

  ‘You’ll like it, I promise.’

  Katy hadn’t doubted that. She hadn’t doubted it at all. In fact she’d known she would love it and that was entirely the problem.

  ‘Well, we’ll have to see what my jet lag is like,’ she’d said. ‘I might be ready to pass out by then.’

  ‘Of course,’ Cooper had replied. ‘We can play it by ear – not a problem. Now let me introduce you to Bradley.’

  Katy had spent the rest of the evening making small talk with various members of Cooper’s team at Boomerang. Cooper hadn’t told any of them that he’d offered her a job so they treated her as a visitor from the UK touting for their communications business. As such, they spent most of the time telling her how much better at sport the Aussies were than the British, a conversation Ben would have embraced no doubt if he’d been there. She missed him; she’d missed being able to talk to him about all of it. She’d wanted to laugh with him about the macho posturing of the men surrounding her then go back to the hotel and gossip about Cooper’s taste in furniture (white leather!) and his state-of-the-art gym, clearly visible from the patio. That afternoon, when she’d had a couple of hours to explore Sydney, she had guiltily seized the chance to go inside the famous opera house, and several times she’d turned to point something out to him. As much as she’d been stunned by its incredible architecture and her good fortune in being able to see it, when she’d sat outside a café drinking lemonade, overlooking the soaring archways, she had never felt more alone.