Myth-Nomers and Im-Pervections m-8

by Robert Asprin

  The little man shook his head.

  "Wrong."

  "But..."

  "What I am is drunk as a skunk!"

  This last was accompanied by a conspiratorial wink.

  "Drunk?!" I echoed.

  Kalvin shrugged.

  "What do you expect? I crawled into the bottle years ago. I guess you could say I'm a Djin Rummy." Whether my mouth was open from astonishment or to say something, I'm not sure but I finally caught the twinkle in his eye.

  "Djin rummy. Cute. This is a gag, right?"

  "Right as rain!" the Djin acknowledged, beaming at me with a disarming smile. "Had you going for a minute, didn't I?"

  I started to nod, but he was still going strong.

  "Thought we might as well get started on the right foot. I figure anyone who owns me has got to have a sense of humor. Might as well find out first thing, ya know? Say, what's yer name, anyway?"

  He was talking so fast I almost missed the opening. In fact, I would have if he hadn't paused and looked expectantly at me.

  "What? Oh! I'm Skeeve. I..."

  "Skeeve, huh? Funny name for a Pervert."

  My response was reflexive.

  "That's Per-vect. And I'm not. I mean, I'm not one."

  The Djin cocked his head and squinted at me. "Really? You sure look like one. Besides, I've never met anyone who wasn't a Perver... excuse me, Pervect... who would argue the difference."

  It was sort of a compliment. Anyway, I took it as one. It's always nice to know when your spells are working. "It's a disguise," I said. "I figured it was the only way to operate on Perv without getting hassled by the natives."

  "Perv!"

  Kalvin seemed genuinely upset. "By the gods, Affendi, what are we doing here?"

  "Affendi?"

  "Sure. You're the Affendi, I'm the Offender. It'stradition among Djins. But that's beside the point. You haven't answered my question. How did an intelligent lad such as yourself end up in this godforsaken dimension?"

  "Do you know Perv? Have you been here before?" I said, my hopes rising for the first time since I opened the bottle.

  "No, but I've heard of it. Most Djins I know avoid it like the plague."

  So much for getting my hopes up. Still, at least I had Kalvin talking seriously for a change.

  "Well, to answer your question, I'm here looking for a friend of mine. He... well, you might say he ran away from home, and I want to find him and bring him back. The trouble is, he's... a bit upset at the moment."

  "A bit upset?" The Djin grimaced. "Sahib, he sounds positively suicidal. Nobody in their right mind comes to Perv voluntarily... present company excepted, of course. Do you have any idea why he headed this way?"

  I shrugged carelessly.

  "It's not that hard to understand. He's a Pervect, so it's only natural that when things go wrong, he'd head for..."

  "A Pervect?"

  Kalvin was looking at me as if I'd just grown another head. "You have one of these goons for a friend? And you admit it? And when he leaves you try to get him back?"

  Now, I couldn't speak for any of the other citizens of Perv, but I knew Aahz was no goon. That's fact, not idle speculation. I knew the difference because I had two goons, Guido and Nunzio, working for me. I was about to point this out when it occurred to me that I wasn't required to give Kalvin any kind of explanation. I was the owner, and he was my servant.

  "I rather think that's between my friend and me," I said stiffly. "As I understand it, your concern is to assist me in any way you can."

  "Right-o," the Djin nodded, not seeming to take offense at my curtness. "Business it is. So what chore brings you to summon one of my ilk?"

  "Simple enough. I'd like you to take me to my friend."

  "Good for you. I'd like a pony and a red wagon, myself." It was said so smoothly it took a moment for me to register what he had said.

  "I beg your pardon?"

  Kalvin shrugged.

  "I said, ‘I'd like a pony and...' "

  "I know. I mean, I heard what you said," I interrupted. "I just don't understand. Are you saying you won't help me?"

  "Not won't... can't. First of all, you've never even gotten around to telling me who your friend is."

  "Oh, that's easy. His name is Aahz, and he's..."

  "... And second of all, it's not within my powers. Sorry."

  That stopped me. I had never paused to consider the extent of a Djin's power.

  "It's not? But when I summoned you, I thought you were supposed to help me."

  "... Any way I can," Kalvin finished. "Unfortunately for you, that doesn't cover a whole lot. How much did you pay for me, anyway?"

  "A silver... but that was a while ago."

  "A silver? Not bad. You must be pretty good at bargaining to get a Deveel to part with a registered Djin for that price."

  I inclined my head at the compliment, but felt obliged to explain. "He was in a state of shock at the time. The rest of his stock had been wiped out."

  "Well, don't feel too proud," the Djin continued. "You were still overcharged. I wouldn't pay a silver for my services."

  This was sounding less and less assuring. My easy solution to the problem seemed to be disappearing faster than a snowball on Deva.

  "I don't get it," I said "I always thought Djins were supposed to be heavy hitters in the magik department." Kalvin shook his head sadly.

  "That's mostly sales hype," he admitted regretfully. "Oh, some of the big boys can move mountains... literally. But those are top-of-the-line Djins and usually cost more than it would take to do the same things non-magikally. Small fry like me come cheaper, but we can't do whole bunches, either."

  "I'm sorry, Kalvin. None of this makes any sense. If Djins actually have less power than, say, your average magician for hire, why would anybody buy them at all?" The Djin gestured grandly.

  ‘ ‘The mystique... the status... do you know anything at all about Djinger?"

  "Ginger? As in ginger beer?"

  "No, Djin-ger... with a ‘D'... As in the dimension where Djins and Djeanees come from."

  "I guess not."

  "Well, once upon a time, as the story goes, Djinger had a sudden disastrous drop in its money supply." This sounded a little familiar.

  "An economic collapse? Like on Deva?"

  The Djin shook his head.

  "Embezzlement," he said. "The entire Controller's office for the dimension disappeared, and when we finally found someone who could do an audit, it turned out most of the treasury was gone too.

  "There was a great hue and cry, and several attempts to track the culprits, but the immediate problem was what to do for money. Manufacturing more wouldn't work, since it would simply devalue what we did have. What we really needed was a quick influx of funds from outside the dimension. ‘

  "That's when some marketing genius hit on the ‘Djin In A Bottle' concept. Nearly everyone in the dimension who had the least skill or potential for magik was recruited for service. There was resistance, of course, but the promoters insisted it called for temporary contracts only, so the plan went into effect. In fact, the limited contract thing became a mainstay of the sales pitch... the mystique I was mentioning. That's why most Djins have conditions attached... three wishes only or whatever, though some are more ethical than others about how the wishes are fulfilled."

  A thought suddenly occurred to me.

  "Um, Kalvin? How many wishes do I get from you? Like I said, the Deveel was a bit shell-shocked and never said anything about limitations."

  "... On wishes or powers, eh?" the Djin winked. "Not surprising. Shell-shocked or not, Deveels still know how to sell. In their own way they're truly amazing."

  "How many?"

  "What? Oh. I'm afraid my contract only calls for one wish, Skeeve. But don't worry, I'll play it clean. No tricks, no word traps. If you're only going to get one for your money, it's only fair that it's legit."

  "I see," I said. "So what can you do?"

  "Not much, act
ually. What I'm best at is bad jokes."

  "Bad jokes?"

  "You know, like ‘How do you make a djin fizz?"

  "I don't think..."

  "Drop him in acid. How do you..."

  "I get the picture. That's it? You tell bad jokes?"

  "Well, I give pretty good advice."

  "That's good. I think I'm going to need some."

  "I'll say. Well, the first piece of advice I've got for you is to forget about this and head for home before it's too late." For a moment the thought was almost tempting, but I shook it off.

  "Not a chance," I said firmly. "Let's go back to my original request. Can you advise me on how to find Aahz?"

  "I might have a few ideas on the subject," the Djin admitted.

  "Good."

  "Have you tried a phone book?"

  By now suspicion had grown into full-blown certainty. My hidden ace had turned out to be a deuce... no, a joker. If I was counting on Kalvin for the difference between success and failure, I was in a lot of trouble. Until now I had taken finding Aahz for granted, and had only been worrying about what to say once we were face-to face. Now, looking at the streets and skyscrapers of Perv, I was painfully aware that just finding Aahz was going to be harder than I thought... a lot harder!

  Chapter Three:

  ‘It's not even a nice place to visit!"

  —FODOR'S Guide To Perv

  EVEN AFTER GETTING used to the madness that was the Bazaar at Deva, the streets of Perv were something to behold. For one thing, the Bazaar was primarily geared for pedestrian traffic, the Merchants' Guild being strong enough to push through ordinances that favor modes and speed of travel that almost forced people to look at every shop and display they passed. My home dimension of Klah was a pretty backward place, and I had rarely seen a vehicle more advanced or faster than an oxcart.

  Perv, on the other hand, had thoroughfares split between foot and vehicle traffic, and, for an unsophisticated guy like me, the vehicle traffic in particular was staggering. Literally hundreds of contraptions of as many descriptions jostled and snarled at each other at every intersection as they clawed for a better position in the seemingly senseless tangle of streets through which the torrent surged. Almost as incredible as the variety of vehicles was the collection of beasts which provided the locomotive power, pushing or pulling their respective burdens while adding their voices to the cacophony which threatened to drown out all other sounds or conversation. Of course, they also added their contribution to the filth in the streets and smells in the air. It might be the metropolitan home of millions of beings, but Perv had the charm and aroma of a swamp.

  What concerned me most at the moment, however, was the traffic. Walking down the street on Perv was a little like trying to swim upstream through a logjam. I was constantly having to dodge and slide around citizens who seemed intent on walking through the space I was already occupying. Not that they seemed to be trying to hit me deliberately, mind you. It's just that nobody except me seemed to be looking where they were going. In fact, just making eye contact was apparently a rare occurence.

  "This friend of yours must really be something for you to put up with this," Kalvin commented drily. He was hovering in the vicinity of my shoulder, so I had no difficulty hearing him over the din. I had worried about how it would look having a Djin tagging along with me, but it seems that while they're under control Djins can only be seen and heard by their owner. It occurred to me that this was fairly magikal and therefore in direct contrast to the line Kalvin was selling me about how powerless he was. He in turn assured me that it was really nothing, simply part of a Djin's working tools that would be no help to me at all. I wasn't assured. Somehow I had the feeling he wasn't telling me everything about his abilities or lack thereof, but having no way to force additional information out of him, I magnanimously decided to let it ride.

  "He's more than a friend," I said, not realizing I was slipping into the explanation I had decided earlier not to give. "He was my teacher, and then my business partner as well. I probably owe him more than any other person in my life."

  "... But not enough to respect his wishes," the Djin supplied carelessly.

  That brought me to a dead stop, ignoring the crush and jostling of the other pedestrians.

  "What's that supposed to mean?"

  "Well, it's true, isn't it? This guy Aahz obviously wants to be left alone or he wouldn't have walked out on you, but you're determined to drag him back. To me that doesn't sound like you really care much about what's important to him."

  That hit uncomfortably close to home. As near as I could tell Aahz had left because I had been rather inconsiderate in my dealings with him. Still, I wasn't going to turn back now. At the very least I wanted a face-to-face talk before I let him disappear from my life.

  "He was a bit upset and throwing a snit-fit at the time," I muttered, avoiding the question of my motives completely. "I just want him to know that he's welcome if he wants to come back."

  With that I resumed my progress down the street. Half a dozen steps later, however, I realized the Djin was laughing ruefully.

  "Now what?"

  "Skeeve, you're really something, you know?" Kalvin said, shaking his head. "Perverts... excuse me, Pervects... are feared throughout the dimension for their terrible, violent tempers. But you, you not only describe it as a snit-fit, you're willing to show up on Perv itself just to make a point. You're either very good or an endangered species."

  It suddenly occurred to me that I wasn't making as much use of my Djin as I might. I mean, he had said that one of the things he was good at was advice, hadn't he? "I don't know, Kalvin. I've never had much trouble with them. In fact, one of the things Aahz told me was that Pervects manufacture and spread a lot of the bad rumors about themselves just to discourage visitors."

  "Oh, yeah?"

  The Djin seemed unconvinced.

  "Well, let's see then. Could you share some of the things you've heard about this dimension with me?" Kalvin shrugged.

  "If you want. I remember hearing about how one of your buddy's fellow citizens ripped off some guy's head and spit down his throat... literally!"

  I ducked around a heavyset couple who were bearing down on me.

  "Uh-huh. I heard the same rumor, but the one doing the ripping was a Troll, not a Pervect. Nobody actually saw that one, either. Besides, right now I'm more interested in information about the dimension than hearing tales of individual exploits."

  I thought I lost Kalvin for a moment when I flattened against a wall to avoid a particularly muscular individual and the Djin didn't make the move with me, but when I stepped out again he was back in his now-accustomed place.

  "Well, why didn't you say so, if that's what you wanted to hear?" he said as if there had been no interruption." About Perv itself. Let me think. There's not that much information floating around, but what there is... Ah! Got it!" He plucked a thick book out of thin air and started leafing through it. I was so eager to hear what he had to say that I didn't comment on that little stunt at the moment, but I also vowed anew to inquire further into Kalvin's "meager powers" when the opportunity presented itself. "Let's see... Parts... P'boscus... Perv! You want the statistics or should I skip to the good part?"

  "Just give me the meat for now."

  "Okay. It says here, and I quote, ‘Perv: One of the few dimensions where magik and technology have advanced equally through the ages. This blend has produced a culture and lifestyle virtually unique in the known dimensions. Perverts are noted for their arrogance, since they strongly believe that their dimension possesses the best of everything, and they are extremely vocal in that belief wherever they go. This is despite ample proof that other dimensions which have specialized in magik or technology exclusively have clearly surpassed Perv in both fields. Unfortunately, Pervects are also disproportionately strong and are notorious for their bad tempers and ferocity, so few care to argue the point with them.' End quote."

  Coming from Klah, a dimen
sion which excelled at neither magik nor technology, I found the writeup to be pretty impressive. Kalvin, on the other hand, seemed to find end less amusement in it.

  "... ‘Despite ample proof... ‘ I love it!" he chortled. "Wait'll the next time I see that blowhard."

  For some reason, I found this vaguely annoying. "Say, Kalvin," I said, "what does your book say about Djinger?"

  "What book?"

  "The one you..."

  I took my eyes off the foot traffic and glanced at him. He was dusting his hands innocently. The book was nowhere in sight.

  I was opening my mouth to call him on his little disappearing act when something piled into me and sent me careening into a wall hard enough to make me see stars.

  "Where do you think you're goin', Runt?" This last came from the pudgy individual I had just collided with. He had stopped to confront me and stood with his fists clenched, leaning slightly forward as if being held back by invisible companions. Fat or not, he looked tough enough to walk through walls.

  "Excuse me... I'm sorry," I mumbled, shaking my head slightly to try to clear the spots that still danced in front of my eyes.

  "Well... watch it next time," he growled. He seemed almost reluctant to break off our encounter, but finally spun on his heel and marched on down the sidewalk. "You shouldn't let that fat lug bluff you like that," Kalvin advised. "Stand up to him."

  "What makes you think he was bluffing?" I said, resuming my journey, taking care to swerve around the other Pervects crowding the path.' ‘Besides, there's also the minor detail that he was big enough to squash me like a bug."

  "He raised a good point, though," the Djin continued as if I hadn't spoken. "Just where are we going, anyway?"

  "Down the street."

  "I meant, ‘what's our destination?' I thought you said the phone book was no help."

  Despite its millions of inhabitants, the Pervish phone book we found had turned out to have less than a dozen pages. Apparently unlisted phone numbers were very big in this dimension, just one more indication of the social nature of the citizens. Of course, leafing vainly through it, it had occurred to me that Aahz had been with me off-dimension for so long that it was doubtful he would have been in the book even if it contained a full listing.