by Jess Bryant
“Leave your brother alone. He’s allowed to have a sex life without you two giving your input.”
The sound of his mother’s voice made Zach sit up and he cursed again when his forehead collided with the underside of the tractor. He cursed some more and rubbed his face. They were going to be the death of him. His family was trying to kill him, slowly. Riley and Devin and now his mother too. He groaned and pulled himself out from under the tractor to glare at the tiny brunette that had walked into the barn.
“What’re you doing here mom?”
“Saving you from your brothers from the looks of it.” She shrugged.
“Not if you intend on discussing my sex life. Off limits. Now and forever.”
“How’s Bluebell?” She ignored him.
“Don’t know.” Zach frowned.
“I heard she’s been in Denver packing up her apartment. She’s moving back to the Oaks indefinitely.” Devin offered.
Riley shook his head, “She got back yesterday actually. I heard she and Maddie were out at the Roadhouse dancing and drinking and have a ball. Austin Evans said he’d never seen her so drunk in his life.”
“Now, now, don’t gossip.” Reba admonished, “Besides, Bluebell is a sweet young girl. I’m sure she wouldn’t be out partying and getting into trouble.”
Zach rolled his eyes, “How would you know what kind of girl Bluebell is?”
Reba smiled sweetly, “She seemed liked a very sweet girl when I met her in your bathroom Zachary and she comes from good stock. She’s a fine young woman. I can’t imagine her getting drunk let alone into trouble.”
“My God, she’s imaging getting a daughter-in-law isn’t she?” Devin chuckled.
“She met Blue in your bathroom? That’s a story I’m going to need to hear.” Riley grinned.
“Give it a rest, all of you.” Zach glared at them and pushed to his feet. “I have work to do so you can all get the hell out of here and leave me to it or I can leave and you can do it yourself.”
“Don’t curse.” Reba sighed. “I just wanted to talk to you about the girl, that’s all.”
“No.” He shook his head, “Blue isn’t a discussion I’m open to having, not with you, not with any of you.”
Reba gave him a look that reminded him of all the times he’d ever been caught doing something wrong as a kid. Those times had come to an abrupt end when his father died. He’d made mistakes since but after he’d assumed the role of adult in the West household he’d seen that look a lot less.
“That’s too bad because we’re about to have it.” His mother smiled again though there wasn’t even a hint of humor in her eyes, “Boys, go find somewhere else to be. I’d like to talk to your brother.”
“Ah, man, I want to see you rip into him.” Riley whined.
“We miss out on all the fun.” Devin chuckled.
“Damn you two sound just like you did when you were kids.” Zach growled at them.
There’d been times when his mom had requested to speak to him after their father passed and their whines had seemed comical. Now, not so much. Now, he didn’t want to see them go or deal with the conversation that she apparently wanted to have.
“Zach’s right, you two sound like children and he’s spent more than enough time pretending to be your parent.” Reba frowned, “He’s your brother, not your father. You all need to stop acting otherwise.”
Zach blinked and then blinked again. Did his mother realize how unnatural his life had been? She’d never mentioned it before if she saw how screwed up his life was. If she’d seen how he toed the line between being a brother and a parent for the past eighteen years, he had no idea. Still, he wasn’t in a talking mood.
“Drop it mom.” He frowned.
“No.” She shook her head, “I’ve spent years dropping it and I’m done. We’re going to talk about your life Zach, really talk about it and you’re going to hear me out.”
He groaned and rubbed his temples. He didn’t have it in him to hear any more confessions or truths. He was still running from the last round he’d been forced to listen to.
“That sounds like exit music to me.” Riley grinned, “I’m out of here before she starts looking too close at my life.”
“Good idea.” Reba frowned at her youngest son.
“Me too.” Devin chuckled, “Good luck Zach. I wish you the best, really.”
Zach watched his brothers leave him and cursed them silently. They were good at presenting a united front against their mother. They all loved her, all would give her anything she asked, but when it came to their love lives they’d always been on the same page. Now, they’d abandoned him.
“Drop it mom. I’m serious.”
“I will, just let me have my say and then you can do whatever you like.”
He watched the pretty brunette in front of him and couldn’t help but wonder how she’d been his father’s second choice. Liza Beth Montgomery had been a legend of Fate as long as he could remember. He’d grown up on stories of her beauty and smile and generosity. Still, his mother had always been a beam of all those things as well. He loved those things about her; she just wasn’t a blonde like certain other women he knew. Maybe his father had a thing for crazy blondes too.
“Fine. Say it and then it’s over.” He frowned, “I’m serious.”
“I know you are. You’re always so serious Zach.” She sighed as she walked further into the barn his brothers had just deserted. “I always knew I’d put too much pressure on you but until recently, until I saw some of it loosen and actually saw you smile for the first time in ages I don’t think I ever realized how much.”
He frowned but kept his mouth shut. His entire life had been pressure and expectation. Every single day since his father died he’d woken up with expectations and promises to be fulfilled. He took care of everyone. He stepped up. That’s who he was. He wasn’t looking for apologies now.
“I’ve made mistakes Zach. I’m sorry for that.”
“Mom it’s not going to…”
“The biggest mistake I ever made was letting you fill in for your father with your brothers.” She cut him off.
“No. Mom. No.” He shook his head as she faced him down for the first time in more years than he could remember.
“Yes. That was a mistake.” She shrugged, “I was lost and I needed something solid. You stepped up to help and I let you when what I should have done was stand up for myself.”
“You were lost and alone. What were you supposed to do?”
“Let you live your own life. I should have let you live your life Zach. I should have sent you off to college. I should have taken over the ranch and raised your brothers like a single parent should have. I should have found the strength inside me instead of relying on yours when you were just a boy, just a kid. It wasn’t fair to you and I’ll be sorry for that every day of the rest of my life.”
He opened his mouth, closed it again. He hadn’t seen tears on his mother’s cheek since all those years ago in the hospital. She’d been weak and broken and lost and he’d helped put her back together but he’d never seen her cry since. Not once.
“I wanted to help. I did.” He shrugged. He’d never been good with crying women. He’d never be good with crying women.
“You shouldn’t have had to.”
He could look back on it for the first time in his life and realize that fact alone had a lot to do with why he’d insisted on stepping up when his father died. His mother had been broken and she’d been crying and all he’d wanted was to make it stop. So he’d taken the power away from her, taken away her choices and decisions and made them for all of them. He’d become the man of the house so the uncertainty didn’t threaten any of them. He’d taken on that path on purpose and he realized, probably for the first time, that he’d taken away everyone elses decisions in doing so.
“It’s over and done at this point mom. We played our cards. We ended up where we all ended up. I’m nearly forty for God’s sake… it’s done.”
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A tear slipped down her cheek and she wiped it away, “You’re right. I can’t take back the last eighteen years. I can’t take back the responsibility I put on your shoulders too soon but I can tell you that level of responsibility doesn’t rest on you anymore. You don’t have to keep living up to unreasonable standards. You don’t have to keep living your life for us.”
“I don’t know another way to live.” He admitted before he could pull the words back.
“I know and that’s my fault.” She sniffed.
“No, mom, I like my life. Really I do.” He promised, “I know what I gave to be there for you and Devin and Riley and I’d do it again in a heartbeat.”
“I know you would, that’s what makes you such a good man.” She shook her head, “But you need to realize that we don’t need you to take care of us anymore. You can go; you can choose something other than this ranch. You can choose somebody above us, care about someone else, love someone else.”
“No Mom….” He shook his head.
“Stop it Zach. I’m not stupid. I saw all the signs. You care about her and even if I hadn’t seen how awful you’ve reacted the past few days when she’s been gone I’d have known something was wrong.” She held up a hand to stop him from speaking. “You broke up with her didn’t you? Tell me what happened.”
“Nothing.”
“Don’t lie to me Zach. What happened?”
“She said she loved me.” The words were out before he could stop them.
“And?”
“And I took her home and haven’t spoken to her since.”
She gaped at him. She walked a few feet away. She walked away until the point he thought she was walking out on him and then she turned on her heel. She stormed back into the barn and smacked him. He hadn’t felt the sting of a slap from his mother ever, not once in his life. The weight of it resonated.
“That is terrible Zachary, just terrible. You’re better than that.” She shook her head, “What did you say when she told you she loved you?”
He grit his teeth, “I’m sorry. I told her I was sorry.”
She gasped and her green eyes went wide, “Oh Zach… honey, no. You deserve to be loved. You deserve to be happy. You know that right?”
“I am happy.”
“You’re here but you’re not really listening to me at all are you?” She cupped his cheek that was still stinging and he was transported back to when Bluebell had held his face the same way.
Her small hands on his rough cheek. He’d held her face like that so many times, tipped her sharp little chin up so he could look into her big blue eyes. She was so pretty, so small and delicate beneath his rough hands. And then she’d held his face in hers and believed in him, trusted him and loved him. She was the only woman to ever do that.
“If you let Bluebell go you’re going to regret it. You’ll regret it Zach and I don’t want you to have those kinds of regrets, not after everything you’ve done for us.”
“I don’t have regrets. No regrets, no looking back.” He shook his head.
“She wasn’t like the others.”
“No. She wasn’t.”
Bluebell had never been like the others, not from the moment he laid eyes on her. She was smart and funny and beautiful. She was crazy as hell and real and difficult. She wrapped him up and confused everything he’d ever known.
“Well, that’s progress I suppose. At least you can see that.” She sighed. “Just know that you deserve to be happy okay. That’s all I want for you.”
He nodded.
“I’ll let you get back to work. I love you honey.”
“You too.”
As his mother left him alone in the barn he wiped the sweat from his forehead. This was his life. Sweating in the barn, getting teased by his brothers and interrogated by his mother. This had always been his life, that hadn’t changed.
So why then did it feel so empty now that he thought of doing this and not seeing Bluebell after a long day in the sun? When he thought of never seeing her again, never having her sit beside him in the Impala or never having her body pressed tight to his he got a weird mix of confusion and relief and panic in his gut.
His mother had asked about him breaking up with Bluebell. He hadn’t. He’d destroyed them, shut it down, shut it out. He was good at that. He’d looked into her big blue eyes and seen the truth behind her statement and he’d pushed her away. He could still see the hurt look on her face, could see the hope that he might say the one thing he’d never been able to say to any woman.
She loved him and he’d hurt her. He’d never wanted that. For the first time, he cared that he’d hurt a woman, that she’d wanted something from him and he hadn’t been able to give it. He just didn’t know how to fix it. He didn’t know how to deal with the crushing mix of panic and guilt and relief that ate at him every time he thought of her. If he was smart he’d find a distraction, a way to think of something other than Bluebell. He wasn’t so sure how smart he was anymore.
It took her almost a full week in Denver to make peace with her old life, to pack it up and head back home to Texas, to Fate, to Montgomery Oaks. The last time she made the trip to Fate it was supposed to be a temporary stop, a get in and get out situation. This time she knew she would never leave again. It was her home, it always had been and that understanding helped her breath a little easier as the panic set in of what her future would look like now.
The day after her father’s funeral she’d had Bobby come into the office and give her a full recounting of ranching operations. She’d met with the other foremen and learned a lot about the day-to-day schedules. She’d met with Oran to make sure the financials matched what the attorneys had told her. She had a lot left to learn about running a ranch but she surprised herself when she realized she was looking forward to it.
All of her years of strange classes and jumping majors and charm school and ranching combined to give her a lot of skills that would translate to the ranch. She could do as much or as little as she wanted. She just had to decide.
The fact that she wanted to be involved with the Oaks at all had surprised her. That surprise helped her come to peace with her father’s decision to sell. He’d been trying to give her what she thought she wanted. Turns out they’d both been wrong. She could come to terms with that.
Slowly, very slowly she was coming to terms with her life. She had moved to Fate. She’d begun redecorating the house and making it her own. She’d thought that would help put her memories of her parents to rest and in a way it did. She was at peace with them, but the renovations just brought up another ghost that she couldn’t escape. Zach.
He wasn’t dead but he might as well have been to her. Their arrangement was over. The end. Done and over. Dead and gone. He hadn’t tried to call or text since he dropped her on her front porch on the worst night of her life and drove away.
She wished she could go back. She wished she’d never let those fateful words out of her mouth that night. She wished she’d never heard him arguing with Devin, never woken up and had to face any of it. She wished she’d never fallen in love with him in the first place because she’d known how it would end if she did and she didn’t have anyone to blame but herself for doing it anyway.
He was never going to love her in return. He was never going to accept her love. It was all true but she couldn’t blame him for any of it because he’d been up front from the beginning about who he was and what he could offer. He didn’t do relationships. He didn’t do love.
She was destined to love emotionally unavailable men just like her father. Well no more. She’d taken her lumps over the years and she’d always gotten over them. She’d fallen harder and faster for Zach than she’d ever fallen for any of the others but just like them she’d get over him.
She just wished she could get him out of her head. Every time she closed her eyes she got a flash of that smile or those haunting green eyes and her heart broke again. The memories of how he’d been there for her, let her lean
on him, let her talk when she’d needed to talk and not when she didn’t want to broke her time and again. He’d pulled her in with his dark edges and then turned out to be sweet and understanding and she’d fallen and ruined all of it for them.
So far, she’d been lucky that she hadn’t run into him in town. She prayed every morning for that string of luck to continue. Living in a small town with the man she loved that had rejected her wasn’t ideal but she wouldn’t run away. She just needed some time, some time and some distance.
And a distraction. That thought broke her heart too. She needed a distraction from her distraction. So she took Maddie up on her offer to go out dancing. She’d had too many beers even though she knew drinking wouldn’t really help. She’d danced with a half dozen cowboys even though she’d known it was a bad idea. She’d gone home alone and cried over her broken heart and slept alone and then she went out and did it again anyway.
She was on her third beer, watching Maddie dance with Austin at the Roadhouse. Jenny Sue sat across from her, her hair teased and sprayed into an elaborate pouf that Blue tried desperately not to stare at. Since she was on the rebound and not looking to impress she hadn’t bothered to do anything but slap on a little makeup and put her cowboy hat on over her flat hair.
“I’m so glad you girls were going out. I don’t like to sit home when the boys are gone to their Daddy’s. The house is just too dang quiet.” Jenny Sue sipped her margarita.
Blue nodded over the blaring music. She knew a thing or two about quiet. That’s why she’d agreed to come out with Maddie in the first place. There were only so many times a girl could sit home on a Saturday night and watch cat videos on YouTube before it became too pathetic for words. It was pathetic to stare at her phone and will it to buzz and have it remain silent. It was pathetic to get in her car and drive the back roads by herself in the dark only to realize she was driving past the Triple Star and couldn’t stop. Pathetic. So she was out and she was having fun if it killed her.
