Shape Of My Heart

by Khardine Gray

There were fifty applicants competing for one of the new designer positions. Fifty. At application stage she knew there were a few thousand who had applied. They’d whittled it right down to a mere fifty. Soon that would be five.

  It was a rigorous process, anxiety-filled and nerve wracking. It could make her mad if she thought about it because there was some real competition here.

  For the first hour each applicant had to display their design across the runway, pausing at each point of interest for the camera. Not everyone had chosen dresses or even evening wear, but there was a good number of people who had. She chose it because she felt it could display her talent the most and allowed her to be creative with something that would matter. Celebrities wore Dior evening wear all the time. She wanted to show that she could deliver the standard expectations, and meet all the requirements and qualities a celeb would go for in choosing a dress.

  The next part of the showcase involved talking about the design and the inspiration behind it. For that she spoke with her heart.

  The dress that got destroyed was designed to represent what she thought they would like. It was in keeping with what she’d seen before. This one did the same but it was different. It was inspired by how she felt about Josh.

  This dress was priceless, and for that she spoke about hope and courage, of coming back strong from something that could break you down, and of taking chances to see where they could lead. That was what she’d seen in Josh, and that was what inspired her. Her heart spoke and she hoped it was enough.

  The evening was intense, but not as intense as the final stage of the night when she had to stand with the host of other talented designers and wait for her name to be called out if she was selected.

  While she waited, she thought of her life and how hard it had been. She’d always had to fight. She had to accept that if she wanted something, she had to take that leap of faith and fight for it. She’d been through so much to get to this stage.

  “Amy Rose.”

  She’d heard her name but couldn’t remember why it was being called.

  The presenter called her name again and her heart leapt into her throat as realization filled her soul.

  She looked past the girl next to her, who’d designed a nineteen-twenties-style Gatsby dress, and over to the presenter who was beaming at her. Amy shook as he put his hand out and beckoned her to move across and stand with the other two designers who had been selected.

  Had she seriously just been selected?

  “Come on, Amy.” His smile widened, showing off perfect white teeth that dazzled under the bright lights. The crowd in the audience started cheering and she realized that people liked her. They liked her and she’d just been chosen. Her hands flew up to her mouth as she squealed with delight. “Come and take your spot, sweetheart.”

  She moved, gliding across the runway, trying her best not to trip over her own excitement.

  To her absolute amazement people started to stand and cheer. She never expected that. She could hardly believe this was happening. She’d dreamt of it several times over and believed in her talent, but this wasn’t a dream anymore. It was real.

  She couldn’t wait to see Josh and tell him the news.

  Hilda and Gabriella shared in her excitement on the way back home. They were really happy for her. She’d sent Teddy a message, along with her mother, brother, and all her friends from New York and Atlanta.

  When she got back home she ran straight inside and into Josh’s awaiting arms.

  “I got it!” she cried.

  He picked her up and whirled her around. “Of course you did.”

  It was only when he set her down that she saw the soft trail of rose petals on the floor, and noticed the ambient romantic setting of the place. He’d dimmed the lights, had classical music playing in the background, and opened the French doors displaying the candle-lit table on the terrace.

  That, too, had rose petals dashed about the top. It looked like something from a dream. Just like everything else about tonight. And him.

  “Josh,” she breathed, looking back at him.

  He held her hand out and gazed down at her with complete adoration. His next words then stole her heart and captured her entire being. “Be near me when my light is low, when the blood creeps, and the nerves prick. And tingle; and the heart is sick. And all the wheels of being slow.”

  In Memoriam. She smiled up at him.

  When she’d first heard him recite it she’d been shocked to no end that he liked poetry. Now she was experiencing something different because he was speaking those words to her.

  She’d heard that poem being read many times. Heard it being read with ardent fervor, and love and respect. Everything that meant something. She just never expected that someone would ever recite it to her, with her in mind.

  He smiled at her, gazing deep into her eyes as he held onto both her hands before continuing, “Be near me when the sensuous frame is rack'd with pangs that conquer trust. And time, a maniac scattering dust. And life, a fury slinging flame.”

  He paused so she could continue. It held so much meaning now. For them.

  “Be near me when my faith is dry. And men the flies of latter spring. That lay their eggs, and sting and sing and weave their petty cells and die. Be near me when I fade away. To point the term of human strife. And on the low dark verge of life the twilight of eternal day.”

  He stared at her for a few seconds with his beautiful eyes. There was something about his look that stood out to her, holding her attention. It spoke to her soul.

  “You’ll not fade away, Amy Rose. Thanks for not letting me fade away too.”

  She welcomed the soft kiss he gave her and became lost within the warmth of emotion that surged through her body.

  She almost didn’t hear her phone ring.

  “Get that, baby,” he whispered against her lips.

  She messaged a lot of people and they were most likely calling to say congratulations.

  “I’ll call back tomorrow.”

  The phone stopped ringing, and started again almost with insistence.

  Josh gave her a lopsided grin. “I’ll bet it’s your adoring fans. Get it and I’ll chill the elderflower juice,” he laughed.

  She shook her head at him and answered her phone.

  “Hello?” she said into the receiver with a bright voice.

  “Amy, its Dr. Carson.”

  Instantly her brain jumped at the recognition of him and what it could mean if he was calling her at this time of night.

  “Dr. Carson. Is my mom okay?”

  “Amy, your mother’s had another heart attack and she’s been taken into intensive care.”

  Chapter 17

  Her ears rang, and she couldn’t hear properly. Her poor heart thudded loudly within the cavity of her chest.

  What was Dr. Carson saying? What was he saying?

  Amy felt like she’d gone crazy and her life had turned into an abstract where nothing made sense.

  “Listen,” Dr. Carson continued. He sounded hesitant. “I know your situation, but I have to make you aware that we won’t be able to do the planned surgery. Your mother’s heart is too far gone and she will need a transplant. Because of the severity and the urgency, she’s listed as a priority. We have a heart that we can use but the funds need to be secured first, and it will be at least twice the cost of what was quoted.”

  Tears gripped her, holding her within the grasp of despair, ripping her insides apart. Her strength completely left her and she dropped the phone as her knees buckled, falling to the floor in a crumpled pile of grief.

  She’d failed. She couldn’t save her mother.

  After all she’d done, in the end she wouldn’t be able to do anything. She was powerless.

  She didn’t have that kind of money. She didn’t have anything.

  Josh rushed up to her and gathered her wretched state in his arms.

  “Amy, what happened?”

  She could barely hear him too. “My mom,” s
he cried. “My mom.”

  Panic filled his eyes. “What happened to her?”

  She was crying so much she couldn’t talk and had to gasp to catch her breath.

  “Baby, please tell me what happened.”

  “She’s in the hospital,” she managed, and then told him the rest in stutters. Before she could even finish he picked her phone up from the ground and re-called Dr. Carson.

  “What are you doing?”

  He ignored her.

  “Josh.” When she reached out to him, he held her face.

  “Hi, this is Josh Mancini, I’m speaking on behalf of Amy Rose,” he said into the phone. Amy just stared at him, wondering what he was really doing.

  He waited a little, listening to Dr. Carson. Amy could hear him telling Josh about the heart transplant and the procedure. “That’s fine. Do what you need to do. Send us the details and I’ll transfer the funds straightaway. We’ll see you in a few hours.”

  Her blood drained as she listened and she felt fainter than when she got the news. As he hung up she shook her head.

  “No,” she said as more tears spilled down her cheeks. “You can’t.”

  It was that thing again where her focus was thrown and she didn’t want him to think he had to do this, or that her being with him was about money.

  “Stop it. Yes I can and I am. Damn it, Amy, this is your mother.” His hand shook and pain filled his eyes. “It doesn’t matter where help comes from, you take it if it can save her life.”

  “I didn’t want you to think that—”

  He didn’t allow her to finish. “Amy, I don’t think anything. I just do, and I’m trying to do what’s right. This isn’t about anything besides that. I would do anything to see my mom again. Anything. Allow me to save yours.”

  She gazed up at him through her tears and covered her mouth to keep from crying out. She couldn’t believe he would do this for her.

  “I’ll give it back.”

  “Jesus, no, you’ll do no such thing.” He smiled. “Come here.” He pulled her into his arms and held her. “I told you I’d take care of you. Here’s me trying.”

  She buried her face into his chest and savored the safety she always felt.

  He’d always referred to her as an angel, when all this time it was him.

  He was the angel.

  The journey to Atlanta was draining and lengthy. They left first thing in the morning and got to the hospital just before midday.

  Josh did his best to keep Amy calm, but it was difficult. He knew he’d be a wreck, too, if it were him.

  Her mother was still in surgery when they arrived so they waited in the waiting room with Amy’s brother and his wife. Both of who thanked him endlessly for his help.

  Amy fell asleep in his arms. She didn’t sleep last night from the worry. Josh hated seeing her look so frail and drained.

  It was nothing for him to help, and honestly, he would have offered to do anything she needed when she first told him about her mother’s condition. He only hadn’t insisted because she said she had everything under control. He also didn’t want her to feel obligated to him in any way.

  Tonight was a necessity, but he still wished he could do more. He wanted to make Amy feel better.

  She’d looked so happy when she came back from the showcase last night, and she was practically glowing when they were reciting the poem. He’d never thought he’d see the day when he, Joshua Mancini, would be reciting poetry to a woman.

  What woman could make him crazy enough to do that?

  He looked down at her dainty figure, crumpled against him for support.

  This woman had changed him so much. They hadn’t been together long, but he didn’t believe in putting a label on something because time qualified it. He’d always been a man of feeling. Someone who spoke his mind and called it what it was when he saw it.

  She meant something to him, everything. Time didn’t have to tell him that. It was something that hit him like wild truth.

  It did scare him, though, because he couldn’t control it.

  Josh liked to be in control, he liked to have a say. But emotion and feelings were different. The only say you had when it came to that was with your own, his own.

  She stirred against him and opened her eyes. He rubbed her arm and continued to hold her. She’d cried so much that her eyes were red. And she’d started to cry again.

  “Hey, there.” He stroked her head. “It’ll be okay.”

  “I’m so scared.”

  “Don’t be, baby. I’m here.”

  “Thank you so much for everything.”

  “Anything for you, beautiful Amy.” He kissed her forehead. “Anything.”

  “Thank you.”

  Her hands shook so he took them into his and thought he’d distract her a little with something easier to talk about. “So, I guess this confirms you really aren’t from Kansas.”

  She looked up at him and offered a weak smile. “Nope, here we are in Atlanta. Our family home isn’t too far from here.”

  “Is that right?”

  She nodded. He would have loved to meet her family under better circumstances.

  He tried hard to think of other things to talk about but found it difficult. The distraction he offered was only momentary as he felt her anxiety and fears and was worried for her.

  Josh looked about the waiting room at the solemn faces of those around him that waited for news on their loved ones. Including them, there were about fifteen people in here. An elderly man in the corner rested his head back against the wall. His gray hair looked a straggled mess and his eyes were bloodshot. Josh had overheard him talking to the nurses about his wife, who he was waiting for. He said she just collapsed and he didn’t know why. He’d been here for hours and it wasn’t looking good. Over there by the large glass window sat a family of four with a teenage son who recognized Josh. Josh had seen the recognition flicker in his eyes but that was all, the boy was as distraught as the rest of his family because his little sister had been hit by a truck. The boy looked over at him and Josh gave him a curt nod. The boy nodded back and looked like he was trying to keep himself composed.

  This was what it would have been like if his mother and Clarissa had been taken to a hospital after their accident, if they hadn’t been killed instantly in the crash. The waiting would have been the same and it wouldn’t have been good news.

  He was about to talk about the showcase when Dr. Carson came into the room. Amy leapt out of his arms.

  “Please tell me she’ll be okay,” Amy begged. They all joined her.

  Dr. Carson smiled. The action lifted his graying mustache and his eyes twinkled. “It’s very early to tell, but I would say she’s going to be fine,” he declared with pride. Amy threw her arms around him, hugging him hard with gratitude.

  “Thank you so much,” she said over and over again.

  Her brother thanked him, too, and turned to Josh with a bright smile on his face.

  “Thank you again,” he expressed, putting his hand out to shake his. Josh took it and offered a smile. “This wouldn’t have been possible without you.”

  “It’s cool, man, happy to help.”

  Amy looked to Josh next and seemed quite choked up. He put his arm around her as she sunk into his embrace.

  “We’ll have to keep a sharp eye on her for the next forty-eight hours and monitor her closely for a few days. These types of procedures can require extensive aftercare, especially because of the stress placed on the body,” Dr. Carson explained. “Unfortunately, that will mean she’ll be with us for a few weeks and will need a good ten weeks to recover. She’s a very strong person, so I’m positive we’ll see quite an effective recovery from her.”

  Josh listened and took the chance to hold Amy. He zoned out as Dr. Carson continued and thought of what this all meant.

  He wasn’t being selfish, it was just simply thoughts. This would change everything. It would change his relationship with Amy. She was only working for him to
raise the funds for her mother. She didn’t need that anymore.

  She would work in L.A. when she started at Dior, but that wouldn’t be until next year this time.

  All that was left of them was their relationship. For him that was everything, all that he had, and mattered more to him than playing football.

  But he didn’t know how she felt. He didn’t know if it was enough for her, and he shouldn’t expect her to come back to him. He didn’t exactly make the best first impression, and he didn’t even begin to climb up the ladder of the type of man she should be with. She’d never have picked him if they hadn’t met the way they had.

  He understood, he had to. And he’d have to understand, too, if this meant goodbye.

  Amy was able to see her mother a few hours later when she recovered from the surgery. Josh met her briefly and, while she couldn’t talk, she smiled at him. Amy looked exactly like her. The resemblance was quite prominent. Looking at her mother, Josh could tell that she’d been through a lot. Not just from the surgery, but life in general. Her brother had that same look, too, and Josh could only imagine what they must have all gone through.

  He stayed with Amy for as long as he could, staying right through till Sunday. It was clear that she didn’t factor him needing to get back to L.A., but he had to go.

  Amy didn’t need him here anymore. The worst part was over and he should probably go anyway to allow them some private family time with each other.

  In the evening when they went back to the hospital, he took Amy aside so he could speak to her. She still didn’t seem to guess that he had to go.

  “Are you okay?” He thought he’d begin with that because she looked more relaxed and relieved.

  “Yeah. I’m just so grateful that you did this for us.” Her sweet smile always got him. Always held his attention and made him feel like he could do anything.

  “You’re welcome. I’m glad I could have helped.”

  They sat down on the bench just outside the room. He took her hand and held it to his heart.

  “Amy,” he began. Her smile widened as she looked up at him. “I should go back to L.A.” It was hard to tell her, and even harder to watch the bright expression recede from her face.