Stuck on You

by Patricia Mar

  Daniel made an amused expression, but seeing how angry Sara was, held back his laughter.

  “Oh, great – I open my heart to you and you laugh in my face. If I’d been half naked being and groped by a model – for work, of course – would you like it?”

  “Now stop it”. Daniel jumped to his feet. “You’re getting everything back to front.”

  “No, it’s you who’s got the wrong idea about me – perhaps the girls who you were with before weren’t bothered by stuff like this. Maybe they liked it, maybe they were even flattered by it. But I’m not Tatiana or Svetlana or whatever they’re called. I’m Sara De Michele, with a normal sex life, a good head on her shoulders, and looking for a man who wants only me, to love me as much as I love him and to respect me. And in that photo shoot I don’t see respect – I see someone who is taking the piss.”

  Her cheeks were bright red by now, and trying to keep her rage under control was terribly hard. She had never felt so angry in her life. It seemed that the frustration she’d been holding inside until then was about to explode all at once. She was going crazy.

  “Now you’re going over the top, we hadn’t even started going out together…”

  “That’s just a detail. You called me from Bangkok, and told me you weren’t interested in any Thai girls.”

  “That model’s American.”

  “Funny, really funny.”

  “And anyway, it’s not like we had a fling. It was just work, if you understand the word. Do you want me to spell it for you?”

  “Daniel Gant, don’t get smart with me.” The kettle in the background sounded like it was playing the Ride of the Valkyries. “Let me ask you this, if you’d been in my place, would you have been happy to know that it was ‘just work’? Wouldn’t it bother you even a little?” She waited anxiously. She really wanted to know. The curiosity felt like it would kill her.

  “Not if you’d behaved yourself, no – I would have understood.”

  “You wouldn’t have felt anything at all? You’d have accepted me, naked, being groped by some guy in front of who knows how many people?”

  “It would have been work, so I would have accepted it, yes.”

  Sara deflated like a balloon and fell dejectedly onto a stool. It was humiliating. Wouldn’t Daniel feel anything if someone groped her derriere in front of a camera, immortalizing it for all the voyeurs of the world? It chilled her, and all her fury suddenly vanished, replaced by a feeling of immense disappointment. They were too different. Against all hope, she’d turned out to be the jealous type. Not one of those who lurks behind trees, stalking their man – more like the ‘I’ll beat myself up until I destroy myself or you’ type. Apparently, Daniel wasn’t. Maybe he didn’t really care about her that much, the way Sara hadn’t about her ex.

  An unequal relationship with no future, that’s what it was. The famous two worlds that should never have met.

  Jealousy is passion. How could there be love without some healthy jealousy? But was Sara’s healthy? Part of her was beginning to doubt it.

  Daniel was aware of her silence and touched her face – a gentle little caress that made a sensation of profound sorrow well up inside her. “Sara, talk to me. It feels like I’ve given you the wrong answers in a test, tell me what you’re thinking.”

  “I’m thinking that when I was trying to keep you away from me I wanted to protect myself from the rules of a game that I don’t know how to play. I’m not willing to change, and to just… well, just put up with it.”

  He cupped her face in his hands and forced her to look him straight in the eye. “I gave you all of myself – didn’t you feel that?”

  “You gave me what you wanted to give and like a fool I fell in love, forgetting who I am and forgetting who you are.”

  For a moment, Alessandro’s words at that dinner in the attic sounded in her head and she almost faltered, but the grip of her emotions – her pride and jealousy above all – was too strong, and they didn’t want to listen to her good conscience.

  Daniel released her, his face suddenly darkening. “I can’t believe this, it’s crazy.” He paced up and down, running his hand through his hair. “What I like most about you was the fact that you didn’t want anything from me. You weren’t interested in the fact that I was famous. I was sure you’d really try to get to know me, to get beyond all the other stuff and get to know me for who really I am, not the public image – but now you’re judging me because of that image and not for what I give you, for what I feel for you, or for the love that binds me to you. You’re judging me the way you would a stranger. As if you didn’t know who I was and are putting stupid, made up problems before everything else.”

  “Don’t say it like that, you’re being unfair. It’s because I’m not a stranger that I feel so awful. When you love someone you’re protective of them. It might not be nice, maybe I should learn to control it better, ok, but if you kept doing photo shoots like those it’d make me feel as though you didn’t respect me. I’d feel as if I didn’t matter enough. I don’t think I could take it, no matter how deeply in love with you I am. I’d end up holding it against you and becoming petty and vindictive. I’d end up asking you to make choices that would be deeply unfair to you. I’m not like that and I don’t want to become like that.”

  “I like my job, I enjoy it. It’s made me economically independent – rich, if you like. I look after my mother, I can see the world and I have my fans, which, I admit, gives me some pleasure. I’m not one of those frustrated famous people who dreams of living in anonymity, I’ve learned to separate my public image from the private one – I’ve found a balance. I only let the people I want to into my life and that makes me happy. I’m not going to apologize for that.”

  Sara had expected this. He had been stung and a man like him, strong and proud, wasn’t going to accept it – he was angry.

  But so was Sara. She had to hold on to her position. She must, even if it was exhausting.

  “I’m afraid there’s not much else to say then, is there Daniel?”

  “You want it to end like this? Do you really want me to go like this?”

  “I can’t ask you to change, and you can’t ask me to. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to handle photo shoots like these and you’ve admitted that as far as you’re concerned there’s nothing wrong with them. You’ve even admitted that you wouldn’t mind if I did them too… That’s what upsets me the most. They ought to make you feel terrible and send you into a rage like me.”

  Daniel frowned ominously. His voice was agitated.

  “You’re infuriating, you’ll never be happy. You want reassurance, patience, control of everything… I’ve done everything you’ve asked. I’ve been patient, I wanted you and I respected you, I told you about myself and confided my secrets to you – and what do you do? Crucify me for these photos? Or for the fact that in your place I’d have behaved differently? Can’t you see that it’s crazy? And it makes me so angry, Sara.”

  “That’s the way I am, you’ve always known that. What’s wrong with wanting to protect myself a little? To hope that the person I’m with will reassure me once in a while? I haven’t been lucky in love, and you’re handsome, confident, glamourous and adored by all. And what a coincidence, my confidence falters when I’m around you – and I don’t like it at all, can’t you see that?” She pointed her finger at him, almost like a gun ready to fire.

  “So you mean it’s my fault that you’ve gone crazily jealous? I’ve never cheated on you… And jealous of what, and who? I never gave you reason to doubt me and I can’t control other people, it’s not my fault if people like me – but apparently it’s easier just to dump all the blame on me, right?”

  “I’m not crazy,” she said furiously.

  “And unreasonable, totally unreasonable.”

  “You’re unreasonable, and I’m sick of always having to justify myself to you.” They had lost control of the conversation, but neither wanted to give in, so they both went silent,
aware that any more words could deal a fatal blow to their relationship. Was it really happening? Could this really be the definitive break up? Yet their differences had spoken, and it was humiliating.

  “I’m leaving tomorrow morning. Being apart for a while will do us both good. Taking some time to think about it is the best thing right now, for us both.”

  Sara couldn’t speak. There was a lump in her throat that was almost choking her and heart was racing so fast she could hear it in her ears. It all seemed so final. She nodded, unable to say more.

  Daniel looked defeated, but his eyes had become hard, impenetrable. Difficult to guess what was going on in his head. He approached her and gave her a slow, painful, miserable kiss on the cheek. The scent of his cologne brought tears to her eyes – she didn’t want him to leave the apartment – to leave her life. But pride, sorrow and disappointment had decided for her and prevented her from keeping him. Maybe they just weren’t meant for each other.

  “Take care of yourself. I hope your new job brings you a lot of pleasure. You deserve it.”

  He paused for a moment, watching her as though trying to imprint her face in his memory. Finally he turned round and walked away.

  As soon as she heard the door close, she let out a flood of tears. It was over and she, like a fool, had been unable to prevent it.

  Chapter 26

  Marco Who?

  What was it that gave her the strength to drag herself out of bed, get washed, brush her hair, put on her make-up, get dressed and go to work? Inside she felt broken, like a shattered doll, smashed into pieces that couldn’t be glued back together again. Irreparable harm had been done.

  She’d never felt like this before. But if love could be measured in suffering, Sara could honestly say that she had become the personification of it. It was suffocating her. How would she ever manage to come out the other side? Should she backtrack? Probably not – it wouldn’t solve the problem, and would probably only make it even worse.

  The first day had been difficult. Daniel had left and hadn’t been in touch with her, just as Sara – proud as she was – hadn’t been in touch with him. She’d wondered if she’d misjudged him – if he had basically been looking for an excuse to get away from a situation he wasn’t sure about and felt no part of. What was wrong in expecting to have an exclusive on your boyfriend? Of course, Daniel was really a wonderful person inside – the problem was that too many people knew he was wonderful outside too. She just couldn’t accept it. Was it too much to ask not to have to share him with a world that was always on the hunt for juicy details and hot photos?

  She felt like such a provincial – like one of those naïve, guileless girls who come to the big city and don’t know how to behave. If she had been a Delphina she certainly wouldn’t have had hysterics at the sight of a stranger groping her boyfriend’s bottom – the same bottom upon which Sara would have liked to put a giant sign saying ‘private property’.

  Sara was a simple girl – for her everything was black or white. If Daniel wasn’t jealous, it meant he didn’t love her enough. What a terrible thing to have to accept.

  The truth, though, was that her mind had become selective and was trying to stop her from realising that Daniel’s gestures were actually a real demonstration of how much he cared about her. But her damn pride made it impossible for her see reason.

  Her mother had teased her countless times that she was wearing herself down with this search for her soul mate, the man that would be hers forever. And now that she’d found him, she’d lost him again.

  Sara hated it that she and Daniel saw the world in such different ways, but it was as though, against all common sense, she was being driven by a primal instinct to suffer and lash out in rage at what was wrong. The self-possessed Sara who was always able to manage everything had disintegrated. Being with Daniel had made her forget who she was.

  The second day passed, then the third, and the fourth… two weeks, an eternity in which Sara abandoned herself to the comforts of her sister, to her friend Lia and to her memories. Daniel’s face, his scent and his smiles were all there in her mind’s eye, as vivid as ever, though, begging her to think things over, to do something.

  Work was the only thing that stopped her from going crazy. She travelled miles with her tourists, walking so far that it exhausted her physically and somehow managed to calm her agitated mind. But she kept bumping into couples in love, holding each other’s hands, and that made her angry again as it reminded her of what she had lost. She wanted to be different. But it was impossible to be different.

  The third week after Daniel’s departure, when she was certain that this period of thinking things over was actually a break-up, Sara decided it was time to break free of the apathy that had held her captive.

  The time for crying was over – now she had to fight back, so she organised a proper Girl’s Night Out and headed off to a local bar with Virginia and Lia to drink cocktails and pretend to check out some other guys. She wasn’t really interested, but she wanted to prove to herself that she was ready to turn over a new leaf and start going out again.

  Except that, surprisingly, the other two girls weren’t at all convinced by her decision. They looked at her with suspicion, expecting her to break down at any moment. Her careful make-up and tight jeans didn’t deceive them. She was making a huge effort, why didn’t they understand that? She wanted to ban Daniel from the conversation, so why did they keep mentioning him?

  Meanwhile, one cocktail turned into several cocktails and soon her mouth was full of the sweet taste of the rum. Sara felt dreamily light headed, and her thoughts were as angular and surprising as a Picasso painting.

  “Sara, maybe you should stop now,” said Virginia, “four mojitos are way too many for you.”

  “Don’t be a pain,” she answered, “I’m enjoying myself.” She sucked through the straw noisily and smiled blankly, while a couple of guys walked past without even looking at them. “Must be gay,” she sighed.

  “Who?” asked Lia, turning round.

  “Those two over there – they didn’t even look at us. Didn’t they notice how gorgeous we are?”

  Virginia rolled her eyes and gently took the glass from her hand. “Come on, you’ve had enough for one night.”

  “Oh, don’t be so horrible – give it back.”

  “Maybe it wasn’t such a good idea to come here,” remarked Virginia, rubbing her forehead.

  “No, it was a great idea to come here. My life must go on. Daniel doesn’t mean anything to me any more.”

  “Come off it, you’re pissed. Just look at yourself. You’ve lost the plot.”

  “I don’t want to think about him. Letting himself get touched up, covered in all that horrible gel that makes him look like an eel. Yes, a slimy eel…” Sara laughed at her own joke.

  Lia cast Virginia a distraught look, while Sara continued. “In Los Angeles for three weeks, who knows what the hell he’s up to – no phone calls, no messages, no smoke signals, nothing.”

  “Well, you haven’t been in touch with him either.”

  “That’s different,” she said, unconvincingly.

  “Is it? He could say the same thing about you.”

  “He doesn’t care if someone feels me up.”

  Virginia pulled a face at the thought of having to listen to the same old things, yet again.

  “He wouldn’t care if one of those guys over there came over and started pestering me.” Sara insisted, gesturing dramatically.

  “Don’t be silly.”

  “I’m not, he told me so himself.”

  “Sure he did.” Lia watched the exchange between the two sisters, silently munching on her crisps. It was like something out of a film.

  The music was upbeat, so why did it sound like nails scratching a blackboard to Sara? She couldn’t stand that annoying racket any longer. Her head was beginning to ache and, in her clouded mind, a plan was taking shape. Sara wanted to do something daring. She wanted to scratch the itch,
take control of her life and shout to the world that she was free, happy and miserably alone.

  But in order to do that she had to get rid of her friends, and that was why the toilet seemed like a great idea. She stood up calmly – as calmly as a serial killer planning her next atrocious crime – picked up her bag and walked away, chuckling at her own brilliance.

  She passed a group of boys and girls dancing in a corner of the room and peered from afar at Virginia and Lia, who were chatting as if nothing had happened. They had no idea what she was about to do. Ingenious.

  Sara hid behind a pillar and took her phone out of her bag. A smile lit up her face. She was ready to retaliate. At that moment in time it didn’t seem such a pathetic, stupid, despicable move: it seemed the right thing to do. A well thought out plan. The mojitos were not helping her to make good decisions, but she wouldn’t realise that until it was too late.

  She called Daniel, and after a while he answered.

  “Sara?”

  Her heart leapt when she heard his warm, surprised voice. She had missed his unmistakable accent. She’d jumped off the high wire without a net, and was about to land badly – very badly. What do I say to him? Calling him no longer seemed such a brilliant idea – in fact, she was terrified. Total panic set in.

  “Where are you, Sara?” he asked, obviously hearing the music and the chatter in the background.

  The girl smiled, suddenly satisfied, remembering that not long before their roles had been reversed and he had been in Bangkok. Yes, but what the hell could she say that was amazing enough to make him realise that he had lost a wonderful woman – one almost as wonderful as she was drunk?

  “Sara? Say something please, is everything all right?”

  “So how’s it going in Los Angeles? Have you met any celebs?”

  Sara grimaced in disgust. She’d planned on saying something intelligent but instead she was asking him about something she didn’t give a monkey’s about. Where was the great speech she had wanted to proudly declaim in his face? The one Jane Austen would have been proud of.