Waiting for It

by Chrissie Keighery

  She says it like she’s just solved the Problem Of The Universe in a few sentences. She smiles at me as if she’s Buddha or something.

  She sits up straighter, clearly changing the topic. ‘Now, I hope you don’t mind, hon, but Jason’s getting off work early. He’s going to pick up the pizzas on the way over.’

  She might as well have slapped me.

  There’s another whale noise, and suddenly everything just bursts out of me.

  ‘You know what?’ I say. ‘I actually don’t care that Jason’s coming over on our special girls’ night, because he might as well be here, even when he isn’t. You tell me to be happy being myself. But what about you? You’re being someone you’re not. I can’t believe you’re even listening to this crap whale music. This is Jason’s taste in music, not yours.’

  I get up and turn off the iPod while it all keeps spewing out of me. ‘One minute you say you’re happy with just me and Romy. The next, you’re hanging out all the time with him and you’re listening to his stupid music and you’re calling me buddy and you’re letting him take over our lives and you’re changing so much it’s like having a completely different mum. I don’t think you even care about me and Romy anymore. It’s like all you care about is him. And then you have a go at Lisa for buying me perfume? Well, at least Lisa has noticed I’m growing up!’

  I hear the front door open. I can’t believe it. The Feral has his own key?

  Mum’s staring at me, looking shocked. I don’t even know the next bit is coming until I say it. ‘Maybe I should just go and live with Dad and Lisa.’ It comes out quietly. As soon as it comes out I feel really shaky.

  I grab Winston, not looking at Mum, and storm off to my room. I walk straight past Jason and ignore the yummy-smelling pizzas and him calling hello like everything’s fine.

  In my room I snuggle under the covers in the dark, trying to ignore my rumbling tummy. I don’t want to live with Dad and Lisa. I like it there, but this is my home. I look up at the ceiling. Years ago, Mum helped me put up glow-in-the-dark stickers of the solar system. Stars and planets and the moon. Most of them have lost their glow now. It’s a bit like me and Mum. Everything between us was fine. Bright. Now it’s like all the glow has faded.

  It’s been ages and Mum hasn’t even come to check on me. I can hear plates clanking in the kitchen, then the TV is switched on.

  Finally, there are footsteps coming down the hallway. Mum opens the door and just stands there for a moment.

  ‘Hazel,’ she whispers, ‘do you want to come out and get some pizza? We’re about to watch the DVD too.’

  I sit up. Mum leans against the doorframe and sighs. I stare at her. It’s so weird. She’s right there in front of me, but I miss her.

  ‘Hazel,’ she says slowly, ‘storming off all the time won’t solve anything.’

  I hug Winston to my chest.

  ‘I’m tired,’ I say. It’s the truth. I am tired. Of everything.

  ‘Okay, Hazel.’ She sighs and shakes her head. Like she’s given up on me. She walks away.

  I wait until I hear the DVD start. I sneak up the hallway and peer around the corner. Mum and Jason are on the couch and Romy is in her favourite position, lying on the carpet with her head propped up on her elbows.

  They don’t even notice me go past.

  I get a couple of slices of cold pizza from the kitchen and take the plate back to my room. I only eat one.

  I wish Mum would come back into my room. I wish she’d come and give me a hug and say she’s sorry about Jason coming over on our girls’ night. Then I’d say sorry about saying I’d go and live with Dad and Lisa, and then we’d talk about stuff like we used to.

  But she doesn’t come back. I cuddle Winston and stare at the ceiling.

  I haven’t even told her about the party.

  ‘Want to borrow something?’ Edi says, opening her wardrobe.

  It’s Saturday — party day — and we’re in Edi’s bedroom, in her actual house for once. It reminds me a bit of my bedroom at Dad and Lisa’s house. It’s really neat and there are no pictures on the walls and definitely no babyish stars on the ceiling.

  I groan. ‘Do I look terrible?’ I ask. Part of me wishes I’d brought the outfit to show everyone at our caravan meeting last night. I’m pretty sure Olympia would have told me if she thought it sucked. She’s been okay for the last couple of days, but I think that’s partly because I’ve tried to back off whenever Edi’s around so that Olympia can have her to herself.

  But Jess would be too nice to tell me if the outfit was terrible, and Edi finds it so easy to get her look right that I think she assumes it’s that way for everyone. It has taken her about five minutes to look more amazing than usual.

  She switches on her hair straightener and snaps it at me like a crocodile. ‘I didn’t mean it like that,’ she says. ‘You look great. Just let me do your hair.’

  I’m not sure she’s right about that. Romy has let me borrow her boots. Not even as a trade for perfume. She just let me wear them. I think it’s got something to do with her feeling bad about what’s going on between me and Mum. But she didn’t feel bad enough to let me wear her tunic, so I’m wearing them with my skinny jeans and a black singlet top. My feet feel hot in all the pairs of socks I’m wearing as I walk over to Edi’s dressing table.

  I can see both of us in the mirror as she takes portions of my hair and irons out the kinks. I definitely don’t look as good as she does. Her top is pale yellow with a few spangles here and there and it looks incredible against her caramel-toned skin.

  ‘If Archie asks me to go out with him, I’m going to say yes.’ Edi nods at her reflection in the mirror like it’s actually happening in her head right now. Whatever it is that’s playing out in her imagination must be pretty interesting because she stays on one section of my hair for so long that steam rises out.

  ‘Um, time to move on?’ I say, and then, because that sounds like I’m being serious, I continue. ‘As in, I know you’re burning for him, but really, leave my hair out of it.’

  There’s a little shudder down my spine as we laugh. It’s a nervous shudder as well as an excited one. As usual, Edi is twenty million steps ahead of me. Which is fine if you’re Edi, number one ‘hot girl’, beautiful and confident and totally ready to go to a party where everyone will be older than us.

  Maybe not so fine when you’re number seventeen and not so beautiful or so confident and not even getting your period. Still.

  I wonder if I’ll get to talk to Leo. I wonder if, possibly, maybe … just maybe, something might happen between us. It’s a scary kind of wonder, but not bad scary somehow. I think of how kind he was to Nick down at the tree the other day and the wonder expands. A lot of people don’t know how to handle Nick. They like to just avoid him. Not Leo. When I think about that, I think of how he leant in and sniffed my perfume and I get that tingly feeling all over again, even though he’s not here!

  You actually smell really good, Hazel. You actually …

  Edi’s dad is standing in the doorway. ‘Edi? Now.’

  ‘Hi, I’m Hazel,’ I say, my meeting the parents smile on my face.

  Edi’s dad looks at me blankly for a moment before he says hello. Then I expect Edi to tell him to give us a few minutes. But neither of those things happen.

  I guess I’m lucky that Edi’s finished my hair because two minutes later we’re in the car on the way to Archie’s. It’s so weird how her dad hardly says anything, except to say goodbye and arrange the pick-up time. Even Edi’s really quiet when he’s around.

  ‘Is your dad okay?’ I ask Edi when we get out of the car. ‘Are you fighting or something?’

  I haven’t spoken to Edi or the others about what’s going on at home, and it strikes me for the first time that maybe I should. Maybe Edi has stuff going on with her parents too, even if they’re different problems to mine.

  For a moment she looks un-Edi-like. Almost upset. ‘That’s what he’s always like,’ Edi replies.
r />   Then she shakes her head as though she’s shaking off whatever it is that’s wrong with her dad and we walk to the front door.

  ‘Ready?’ Edi asks.

  We stop and look at each other.

  Please don’t let me make an idiot of myself in there. I shrug and go cross-eyed.

  ‘Nice look, Hazel,’ she giggles. ‘Perfect for the party.’

  I know Edi gets that I’m trying to release the idiot inside me before I go in.

  I can tell it’s Archie’s mum who opens the door. She’s really big and round where Archie is tall and buff, but she has the same olive skin and green eyes.

  ‘Hi, girls,’ she says warmly. ‘Don’t you look lovely? Come in!’

  We walk behind her down the hall. At the end of the hallway there’s a kitchen that opens up into the lounge room. I try to spot Leo but it’s hard to see what’s going on because a smoke machine is making the room hazy. The music is loud, but I don’t think anyone is dancing yet.

  ‘Look, the poor loves are starving!’ Archie’s mum says, gesturing into the kitchen.

  There’s a group of guys huddled around the oven. They’ve got their backs to us but I can tell one of them is Archie.

  ‘Hands off, garbage guts!’ It’s a female voice and it’s familiar but I can’t quite place it. Whoever it is must be crouching in front of the oven. ‘Honestly, Archie, you’re the biggest pig,’ the voice comes again, followed by a giggle.

  ‘Come on, Al. Be nice. It’s my birthday,’ Archie replies.

  The someone stands up. It’s Alice!

  ‘Well, happy birthday. But hands off,’ she says, slapping his hand away from the tray.

  As soon as she puts the tray on the bench, Archie gets her in a headlock. It’s so weird to watch. I would never have expected Alice to be here, but it’s clear she’s totally comfortable mucking around with one of the most popular guys in school. Edi and I are the ones who are kind of awkward, just standing there, watching and waiting for Archie to see us.

  Archie spins around with Alice still in a headlock.

  ‘Edi!’ he says, loosening his grip on Alice. ‘Hi. I didn’t know you were here.’ His face goes red.

  I wonder if I’m invisible.

  ‘Hi, Hazel,’ Alice says, with a punch to Archie’s sixpack.

  Archie has that melting thing going on as he stares at Edi. He doesn’t seem to even notice Alice’s punch. Alice takes the opportunity to slip out of his grip and come over to me.

  I must look a bit surprised.

  ‘Old family friends,’ Alice explains, pointing at Archie and his mum. ‘Hi, Edi.’

  It’s nice that Alice has said hi to me before she said hi to Edi. Just for once, it’s nice to be thought of first.

  I can’t really talk to anyone in the lounge room. The music is too loud. I hang with Edi and Alice and look around through the smoke. The girls who were on the bench when we went down to the tree are dancing together. They’re pretty good and I’m glad not everyone’s dancing because I wouldn’t want anyone to see my lame dance moves.

  ‘Where’s Archie? I haven’t seen him for ages,’ Edi yells in my ear, making my eardrums buzz.

  I point through the smoke haze to where Archie is talking to his soccer mates. It’s funny, but every time Edi manages to get close to him, he seems to move somewhere else. My theory is he’s avoiding her because he really likes her. Maybe he’s worried about melting into a heap in front of everyone?

  Edi takes off towards him. If Alice decides to follow her I’ll be left standing by myself like a complete dork. I’m stressing about that possibility, so I start to say something to her. But then, I see Leo arriving. Finally.

  He waves and starts walking over to me and Alice, and something weird happens inside my body, like there’s a little helium balloon in my ribcage.

  ‘Hi,’ he says and then he leans in towards me just like he did at school, except this time he tilts his head to the side and he’s so close I can feel his breath on my neck.

  ‘Still driving the boys crazy?’ he asks with that crinkly smile.

  I have put a bit of perfume on for tonight. Just a little bit, though.

  ‘Yeah, I’ve totally got the knack,’ I reply. ‘It’s just one of my many talents.’

  Leo’s laugh floats over the top of the music. The helium balloon expands inside me. I feel like I might be lifted off the floor.

  ‘This is Alice,’ I say. ‘Alice, Leo.’ They say hi to each other, but when Leo talks again, he directs it to me.

  ‘So, what other talents do you have, Hazel?’ he asks.

  ‘Well, I like horseriding and meeting people,’ I say.

  As soon as I say it, I feel cringy. I’m trying to act like the girls in those Miss Universe pageant thingies, but he probably won’t get it. He’ll probably just think I’m lame.

  ‘And I suppose your goal in life is to end world hunger?’ he says.

  I laugh with relief. ‘Yep. I’m going to get right onto that after the bikini parade,’ I say. This time Leo’s laugh is way louder and it feels amazing that he’s totally got it, that he’s got me, and I’ve made him laugh.

  Alice laughs too, and it’s only then I remember that there are others around me, that we’re at Archie’s party. I was in a Leo-bubble for a moment there.

  I wouldn’t mind going back into it, but one of the bench girls, Eliza, has come over.

  ‘Truth or dare time, Leo,’ she says. ‘Basement.’

  She doesn’t even acknowledge that Alice and I are there, and I get the feeling I had down at the tree — that there are quite a lot of girls here who would prefer it if we weren’t.

  Eliza shakes her head, as though she’s changed her mind. ‘You girls can play too, I suppose,’ she says. ‘If you’re up for it.’

  She doesn’t wait for an answer. She grabs Leo’s hand and pulls him over to the stairs. Leo smiles at me over his shoulder as he gets dragged away. I can see the back of Edi’s head. She’s going down to the basement too.

  ‘I’m going to help Archie’s mum in the kitchen,’ Alice whispers. ‘Wanna come?’

  It’s tempting. But Leo is down there and so is Edi and part of me doesn’t want to miss out. I don’t want it to seem like I’m not up for it.

  The basement is pretty bare. The floor is concrete and there are a few beanbags around, but not enough for everyone. There’s one of those giant old freezers and a sink in the corner. To the side, there’s a big cupboard.

  ‘In a circle, everyone!’ Eliza orders.

  I’m glad when Edi squashes in next to me on my right. The concrete feels hard and cold on my knees. Leo’s on the other side of the circle, sitting cross-legged. I change my position from up on my knees to cross-legged and even though it’s cold on my bum, I feel a bit more comfortable.

  Eliza is the only one standing. She points to a guy a few people to my left. I’m pretty sure you’re supposed to spin a bottle or something to see who goes first, but I’m definitely not going to say anything about it.

  ‘Truth or dare?’ she asks.

  ‘Truth is for gutless wonders,’ the guy says. ‘Dare!’

  Eliza gets her iPhone out and shakes it. She looks at the screen and laughs before she reads it aloud.

  ‘A random player soaks one of their socks in water and puts it in the freezer. After five rounds, you must take it out and suck it like an icy pole.’

  There’s a lot of laughter going around the circle. Especially when one of Archie’s soccer friends, someone called Pezza, volunteers his sock.

  ‘Had this on for three days in a row,’ he says, taking a sock off and walking over to the sink. ‘I reckon it’ll be really tasty!’ He fills the sock with water and opens the freezer, looking for a spot to put it. ‘Will I put it on top of the meat or the ice-cream?’

  ‘The meat!’ a few people yell.

  It’s pretty funny. I laugh along with everyone. It would be gross to have to suck someone’s sock, but it’s a bit of a relief too. Maybe the truth and dar
es will all be like this and not like hooking up and stuff?

  Everyone’s still chatting and laughing when Eliza strikes again.

  ‘We’re going clockwise. So it’s your turn, Bridget. Truth or dare?’

  It hits me like a whack in the chest. If we’re going clockwise, then I’m only two players off having a turn.

  ‘After that,’ Bridget laughs, ‘I think I’ll choose truth.’

  Eliza shakes the iPhone again. ‘If you were a boy, which girl here would you date?’

  I’m stressing. After Bridget answers, there will only be one other person before it’s my turn. I think of Alice, safely upstairs in the kitchen. If Edi wanted to get out of here, we could make up something so it wouldn’t be too embarrassing. I give her leg a flick with my fingers and she looks at me, but it isn’t a let’s get out of here look. It’s more of a how fun is this? look.

  ‘Mmmm,’ Bridget says, ‘bit of a stupid question really. It implies that everyone is straight. Which may not be the case —’

  ‘Jeez, Bridge,’ says Eliza, ‘we’re not in class. We’re not here to analyse the question. Just answer it, okay?’

  The way she says it is mean, and it makes me think Eliza might be mean to everyone and not just to me, Edi and Alice. But that doesn’t help much. I don’t even really get what Bridget’s on about. She doesn’t look like she’s gay. I mean, I’m not exactly sure what gay people look like. But maybe she is, or maybe she’s just making a point. Does everyone else get what she’s on about except for me?

  It’s all very confusing and it makes me feel even more like I want to escape.

  ‘All right. She’s the prettiest,’ Bridget says, pointing to Edi. ‘But I don’t know what her personality is like.’ She points to another girl. ‘So I’ll go with Leah,’ she says.

  Leah, a tall girl in the year above us, holds out two thumbs up.

  ‘Next,’ says Eliza, to the guy right next to me.

  ‘Truth,’ he says. ‘I’m still freaking out about that sock. If Pezza says three days, think five or six. Believe me, I know.’