Waiting for It

by Chrissie Keighery

  Edi moves towards the door and Jess and Olympia follow her. Alice hesitates, like she’s not sure if she’s supposed to come out with us. I stay behind with her.

  ‘Thanks, Alice,’ I say again. ‘I don’t know what I would have done —’

  Edi interrupts me by poking her head through the door. ‘Are you two coming or what?’ she smiles.

  Alice smiles back. I can tell she’s happy that Edi is including her, though I’m not sure how Jess and Olympia will feel about it.

  Alice and I head towards the door together.

  Alice puts her hand on my arm to stop me. ‘Oh yeah. With all this going on I almost forgot to tell you,’ she grins at me. ‘Leo said he’s glad that you didn’t hook up with Nelson. And he likes you,’ she says the last bit in a whisper.

  I grin back at her, feeling a little flash of pleasure.

  I feel stronger now. Strong enough, with my support crew, to walk out and face everyone.

  I keep pretty quiet over the next couple of days. I don’t go down to the tree. I don’t see Leo. I actually don’t want to, not yet anyway. I’m pretty sure I do like him, but there’s too much going on in my head to figure out my feelings properly.

  At lunchtimes, we hang out in our own little zone on the grass slope at the side of the basketball courts. Alice sometimes comes too. Other times, she hangs out with Leni, Sophie and Anya. I notice, for the first time, how the other group of girls gets really animated when she joins them. And when she’s with us, she really does add something different. Plus, she seems really happy. Like drifting between groups is about fitting in lots of different places rather than not fitting in at all. It makes me wonder whether I was even right to feel sorry for her in the first place. Maybe it’s just me who needs to belong to one group of friends?

  On Monday, the day the list went up, there were definitely kids whispering and looking at me. Yesterday, there were only whispers once and I’m not even sure they were talking about me.

  But I must still be stressed because when I wake up on Tuesday morning, I have an ache in the base of my spine. I think about not going to school at all but part of me knows I need to tough it out. I need that list to be yesterday’s news, and I need everyone to see me walking around like it doesn’t matter. I drag myself out of bed and wander into the kitchen to get breakfast. Mum’s in the shower and Romy’s in her room getting ready.

  I notice there’s a little card for a doctor’s appointment stuck up on the fridge under a magnet. It’s for next Thursday. More than a week away. I mean, it’s good that she’s done it at last, but it clearly shows how urgent Mum thinks me not getting my period is.

  I don’t say anything about it when Mum comes into the kitchen. We’re all in a major hurry like most mornings anyway.

  I only get through the day by hanging out at sick bay for a couple of hours. By the time I meet Romy at the bus stop after school, I feel okay again. I get the window seat and Romy sits next to me.

  ‘I’ve got, like, three hours of homework,’ she complains. ‘You’d reckon the teachers would sort themselves out so they know what we’re getting for each …’ She trails off at what must be a very funny look on my face. ‘What’s wrong?’ she asks.

  I’m just sitting there, on the bus, on the way to Dad and Lisa’s. It’s like every other Wednesday afternoon, but there’s something very weird happening. I’m pretty sure I can feel it. A trickle, a wetness, in my undies.

  ‘I think I’ve got it,’ I whisper to Romy. Even as I say it, I think I must be making a mistake. If I ever get my period, surely I’ll get it somewhere special, somewhere memorable. Not on the bus to Dad and Lisa’s.

  Romy’s head jerks back in surprise. ‘Wow,’ she whispers, grabbing my hand in excitement. ‘Finally! Are you okay? Do you feel okay?’

  Just as she’s talking, I feel it again. There’s definitely something going on down there. If it soaks through my undies and onto my school dress, everyone will see it when I get off the bus.

  I feel my eyes widen and I don’t reply. Romy completely gets it just by the look on my face.

  ‘Oh, I’m so hot,’ she says really loudly.

  She pulls her school jumper off and flicks it onto my lap. I manage a small smile. It makes me think of Jess and the smudge that day, when she didn’t have a jumper to tie around her and the rest of us kind of did the job. I tie the jumper around my waist, just in time for our stop.

  ‘Don’t worry. I’ll get you sorted,’ Romy says as we get into the lift. ‘You go to the loo and I’ll tell Lisa, okay?’

  I nod. I hope Dad’s not home yet. I’m not sure I want him to know about this. It’s kind of a girl thing. As soon as I think that, my mind swings to Mum. Would she be there for me, like Romy is? Or would she just say something about the tides of life or some other lame, Jason-type thing?

  It’s Lisa who answers the door, thank god. I just say hi and go straight to the bathroom.

  When I check my undies there’s less blood than I thought there would be. I realise there would be no chance of it soaking through my dress yet, but there’s definitely something there. It’s browny and not reddy, just like Jess said. I sit on the loo with my undies halfway down my legs, staring at it.

  So, this is it. I have my period. Hazel Atherton, aged thirteen and four months, has her period. I look in the mirror and say it aloud, just loud enough for me to hear. It doesn’t really sink in. The girl in the mirror stares at me.

  ‘You have your period,’ I tell her. ‘Finally, you have your period and everything will be different from now on.’ She doesn’t look that convinced.

  There’s a knock on the bathroom door.

  ‘Hazel,’ says Romy, ‘can I come in?’

  I take my undies right off and get up to unlock the door. Romy has a fresh pair for me.

  ‘So?’ she asks.

  I show her.

  ‘Yep, you’ve got it, girl! Lisa’s just gone to the shops to get some pads, because we both only have tampons and you really don’t want to use tampons straight away. In the long run I reckon they’re better, but —’

  Romy stops mid-sentence and gives me a hug. When the hug is over, Romy steps back and she bites her lip and honestly, I think she’s about to cry, which is very un-Romy.

  ‘Oooh, my baby sister,’ she says. ‘Well done, you.’

  Her voice sounds just like Mum’s.

  ‘Knock knock?’ Lisa says it rather than does it. The bathroom door is open anyway, but I can see why she hasn’t knocked properly. She has a shopping bag in each hand.

  ‘Okay, Hazel, I wasn’t sure which ones you’d prefer, so I got them all.’

  She’s practically carrying the whole selection of sanitary products from the supermarket. Plus, she’s got new knickers for me, even though I’ve got a pair from Romy and a whole stack of them in our bedroom.

  ‘I think this brand is popular,’ she says, putting the bags on the bench and opening a packet. ‘What do you think, Romy?’

  ‘Let’s see,’ says Romy, looking through all the packets Lisa has bought, and picking one out. ‘These ones are good, Hazel. They have wings, which are the bits that stick out at the side and you can tuck them around undies so the sides are protected.’

  Lisa shakes her head. ‘They have wings, but they look pretty thin,’ she says. ‘Maybe these ones are better?’ She opens another packet, and then she pauses.

  ‘God, I’m so sorry, Hazel,’ she says. ‘I haven’t even asked you how you’re feeling. I guess … well, I’ve never done this before. Have you called your mum yet?’

  ‘Yep,’ I lie.

  Lisa shouldn’t feel sorry. She’s being great. And Romy is too. They’re both trying really hard and paying so much attention to me. I can’t remember the last time Mum did. Anyway, I’ll call Mum later. She’s always on about things happening when you’re ready. So, I’ll call her when I’m ready.

  ‘Okay girls, I’ll leave you to it. I’m going to make a special dinner for you, Hazel, now that you’re a woman.
How about a pumpkin and artichoke pie?’

  As soon as Lisa leaves the bathroom, we crack up.

  Late that night I lie awake. Romy is snoring, but I can’t get to sleep. The pad between my legs feels like a nappy. It should be gross, feeling the blood leak onto it, but I’m too relieved to be grossed out. At last it’s happened.

  I wonder whether people will be able to tell that I’m different. That I’ve grown up. I’m not sure. I know I’m growing up, but it’s like I’m waiting for my emotions to catch up with my body. I guess I do feel different, but not as different as I expected. I still don’t know if I’d kiss Leo in the cupboard. It’s all pretty confusing.

  But there’s something else that’s even more confusing. My mobile is on my pillow. I could call Mum. She’d still be awake. But each time I pick up my mobile, I put it down again. She’d probably be with Jason and then she’ll tell him, and I don’t even want Dad to know yet so I definitely don’t want Jason to know.

  I want my mum. But not the way things are. I want her the way they were.

  ‘Dad, can I have the day off?’ I ask, when he comes into our room in the morning.

  He sits on my bed, leans over and plants a kiss on my forehead. ‘You okay?’ He pauses for a moment, as if he’s considering something. ‘Munchkin?’ he adds finally.

  I realise the something he was considering was whether he can still use his pet name for me, now that I’m not a little girl anymore. Which means Lisa has told him. I’m okay with that. I mean, he is my dad. I just hope he doesn’t mention periods or anything. It would be way too weird talking to him about all that. But I’m glad he still calls me munchkin.

  ‘I’ve still got a bit of a pain,’ I say, and I rub my tummy because it’s something Dad will understand and I totally don’t want to go into details about how the pain is more in my back than my stomach. I don’t even get that myself. I guess it’s one of the mysteries about periods, but it’s not a mystery I want to talk about with Dad. Anyway, I don’t feel that bad, but the last few days have been really full-on and I just want a quiet day. Plus, Mum doesn’t work on Thursdays. Hopefully, she’ll be home by herself for once.

  ‘I’ll ring the school,’ Dad says. He shakes his head like he’s trying to process the knowledge that I’m officially a woman now. ‘And congratulations, honey.’

  I cringe a little bit, feeling awkward.

  I’m still in my PJs and ugg boots when Dad drops me home. Jason’s bike is on the porch, again. If I could get back into Dad’s car, I would. But he’s already driving off.

  If I’m really quiet, maybe I’ll just be able to sneak into my room and come out when he’s gone. I turn my key in the lock and try to be extra quiet as I creep up the hallway. I’m pretty sure I hear my name mentioned. I creep a little further up the hall and peek around the corner, into the lounge room.

  Mum and Jason are talking. About me, I think. I move back a bit and hide, so I can see them but they can’t see me. Jason’s back is towards me. He has his hand on Mum’s shoulder.

  Mum sounds like she’s been crying, and she keeps telling Jason she’s sorry.

  He’s telling her that it’s okay, and that the girls are the most important thing. He’s telling her that everything is going to be fine.

  He pulls Mum to him and she buries her head in his chest. When she pulls away, her voice is firmer, as though the hug has given her strength.

  ‘… not okay,’ she says. ‘… beautiful daughter … period … not even a phone call.’

  Jesus. Dad or Lisa must have called her.

  For a second, I feel really annoyed. Mum shouldn’t be telling him personal stuff like this. It’s my private business. He’s the last person in the universe she should be telling.

  I’m mad and the feeling rises up through me. Then it whacks into my heart, and collides with another feeling.

  Mum should have been the first person I told.

  She says something I can’t make out, then it’s Jason talking again.

  ‘You’re a beautiful mum, Dee Dee,’ Jason says. ‘I’ve seen it … own eyes. Maybe Hazel … in person … phone?’

  Mum shakes her head. The next bit is clear.

  ‘Me being with you is driving a wedge between Hazel and me.’

  ‘Dee Dee,’ Jason says finally. ‘It’s okay. I understand.’

  He says it like he’s resigned to it. Like the relationship is over. Like he’s willing to end the relationship. Like they’re both willing to end the relationship, actually. For me.

  It’s horrible. Jason’s words, Mum’s face. Her tears. I’ve always hated seeing Mum cry. Then Romy’s question pops back into my head. I think you have to ask yourself whether it’s Jason you don’t like — or whether you just don’t like Mum having a boyfriend.

  Is this really all about Jason, or is it about me not coping with Mum having a boyfriend? I search my mind for what Jason’s done wrong. He’s messy, he asks too many questions, he uses too much hot water and he puts the butter in the pantry rather than the fridge. But all that stuff seems small. Compared with this.

  He kisses my mum and it’s a long kiss and I don’t want to watch my mum kissing, but I can’t help staring. It’s pretty wrong, watching my mother hook up. I’m scared that they’ll start going further, and, honestly, if they do I think I’ll have to cough or something and blow my cover.

  Luckily, they pull away from each other.

  ‘I’ll get my stuff,’ he says quietly.

  It was a goodbye kiss.

  Mum nods sadly. ‘She’s having the day off school. She could be home any minute. So maybe that’s better.’

  I’m worried that he’s going to come into the lounge room to get his yoga mat. I need to hurry and it’s risky, but I creep over to the mantelpiece and grab the picture of Dad. Then I slip out of the lounge room and down the hall, shutting my bedroom door as quietly as I can.

  A few minutes later I hear him close the front door. Then I hear the water running. Mum’s in the shower.

  I sit on my bed, holding the photo of Dad, me and Romy.

  ‘They’ve broken up for me,’ I tell him. ‘They’ve broken up because of me.’

  Dad just smiles at me. I put him back on my dresser. It’s good to have him back there. It feels right. He shouldn’t be in a position to look at Mum’s life. He’ll always be my dad, but it’s none of his business now. He’s got his own life, and she has hers.

  Maybe I have been acting like a little kid. I haven’t really been thinking about Jason making Mum happy. I’ve been thinking about me.

  I’ve got my period now. I’m growing up. That just happened naturally. But maybe it’s time I change some other things about me too.

  I go into Mum’s bedroom. She’s sitting at her dressing table, brushing her hair. She’s beautiful, my mum. It’s funny, because I don’t usually think of her like that. But she is. She should have a boyfriend. If I could choose one for her, it probably wouldn’t be Jason. But it’s her choice.

  ‘Hazel!’ she says when she sees me. ‘You must’ve come in while I was in the shower.’ She gets up and walks over to me. ‘So, it’s happened. That’s great, honey. I’m so pleased for you.’

  Mum wraps her arms around me. We haven’t hugged for ages. At first, it feels stiff, but she doesn’t let me go. And I don’t want her to let me go. When she finally does release me, she still has hold of my shoulders.

  ‘My baby,’ she says softly. ‘My grown-up baby.’

  She’s smiling with her mouth but not with her eyes. She’s trying too hard to be bright and happy.

  ‘So, where were you when it started?’ she asks, pulling me over to sit on her bed. It’s unmade and I know that Jason slept in it last night while Romy and I were at Dad and Lisa’s. Yesterday, that would have rankled me.

  ‘I was on the bus,’ I say. ‘Not the most exotic location.’

  Mum laughs. Her eyes join in this time.

  ‘How are you feeling?’ she asks. ‘Any pain? I could make you a hot water
bottle. It can help if you have a sore stomach. I always carry the pain in my back.’

  I’m like Mum. Carrying the pain in my back. It’s strange, but that makes me feel more … normal, I guess.

  ‘That’s where I’ve been sore too,’ I say. Then I shake my head. ‘I don’t need a hot water bottle, thanks. I feel okay. I needed a day off, though.’

  ‘Well, it’s a big thing, Hazel. It’s fine for you to have a day off. You need some time to let it sink in that you’ve crossed a threshold.’ She laughs a short laugh. ‘Actually, I’m glad it’s my day off too. So I can let it sink in that my baby has become a woman.’

  ‘Do I look any different?’ I ask. I know it’s a stupid question, but I’m glad I’m here with my mum and it’s okay to ask stupid questions. Mum leans back and looks at me.

  ‘Hmmm,’ she says, ‘there is something different, I reckon. Maybe it’s the look in your eyes. A bit more depth or wisdom perhaps?’

  It sounds like something Jason might say. I like it, actually, but I’m not sure whether it’s true.

  I take a deep breath. ‘Mum, I heard you and Jason when you were in the kitchen.’

  Mum looks thoughtful as she takes that in. ‘Oh well, Hazel,’ she says. ‘I’ll be fine. Maybe it’s not the right time for me and Jason. It will be just the three of us again. The three musketeers, eh?’ She says it bravely, as though the choice was hers and had nothing to do with me.

  But I heard what they were saying. I heard how upset she really was. She’s just trying to protect me.

  I have that familiar pang of missing Mum so much. Weird, when she’s sitting right beside me. I guess it’s more that I have missed her so much.

  ‘Mum, I don’t think …’ I begin. But I don’t know exactly how to say this. ‘It’s just …’

  ‘Hazel,’ Mum says, looking at me with a small smile, ‘use your words.’ It’s an old joke between us. When I was little and throwing a tantrum, Mum used to say that. It makes me smile to hear it again, but it also makes me want to find the right words.