Shallow

by Yessi Smith

  He narrowed his eyes at my challenge, and I could see the veins in his neck pop out.

  “Ohmygosh!” I gasped in mock horror. “You’re not homeless, are you? If you are, if you’re sleeping outside instead of being safely tucked in your bed, the police should know about this.” I nodded my head, showing him I’d come to a solution.

  Fear darkened his features and softened me. Damn, I felt sorry for being so vile. For being exactly what he’d accused me of, fake and shallow. It made me wonder if the mask I had to wear was worth the pain I’d caused.

  Reaching out to him, I squeezed his hand. He clenched his fist and his hand shook in mine before he pulled away.

  “I was joking,” I said and cleared my throat, so I could continue. “I didn’t mean anything by it, but if you’re in some sort of trouble…”

  “What?” He snorted. “You’ll hold my hand? You won’t let go, right?” An ugliness that didn’t belong to him made his lips turn sinister. An ugliness I put there. “I slept outside last night. You see,” he continued in a patronizing tone, “there’s this thing some people do called camping. It’s where you sleep on the ground and are surrounded by nature. If you do it right, there’s no showers or burger joints. You rely solely on yourself.”

  “Sounds awful.”

  Lie. It sounded amazing.

  I turned my focus back to the paper. Tears pricked the back of my eyes, making the words in front of me blur. I didn’t know where they come from, and while tears weren’t foreign to me, they rarely made such an abrupt appearance. I swallowed past the thickness in my throat and only spoke when I knew I’d claimed the tears back.

  “Let’s just get this over with, okay?” I mumbled.

  I felt the heat of Roderick’s eyes on me. Eyes so clear, they reminded me of the crystal pond I found in my cave. Mine, not his. He camped there last night. A onetime deal because I wasn’t willing to share my spot.

  Beside us, Danny and Seth laughed. Danny reached across both desks with his fist out and after a few seconds of awkward silence, Seth bumped it.

  “What’s so funny?” I asked, turning to Danny. Away from Roderick and his prying eyes.

  Although I was pretty great at being mean, I felt awful when I realized Seth would no longer have Roderick as his partner. Knowing no one else would want him in their group, I asked Danny to partner with him. Danny being Danny, he agreed as if it weren’t a big deal. It was though. In the world we created in our school, it was a huge deal.

  Danny showed me his and Seth’s paper and I squinted to see the word they decided to circle.

  “Hungry?” I asked.

  Seth shot me an embarrassed smile.

  “It’s like you can read his mind.” I winked at Seth. “I have to bring sandwiches and snacks to Danny’s games so he can eat when he’s not playing.”

  “And practices,” he added. “It’s the only reason I upgraded her to best friend status.”

  My heart clenched at Danny’s words. Expanded against its cage. Because I knew beyond his words were a deeper meaning. He cared about me, maybe even loved me. In spite of what he saw.

  “I’m touched,” I deadpanned, but my smile grew when he leaned in to smack a loud kiss on my forehead.

  “Heart of gold, this one.” He tilted his chin toward me.

  Seth looked down, worrying one of his papers with his fingers, no doubt not believing anything good lived inside of me.

  “Never misses one of my games,” Danny continued.

  “Well, I do have to go to the football and basketball games since I cheer and all that.”

  “Yeah, you cheer for track too?” he asked. “How about the summer soccer league I play outside of the school?”

  I squinted my eyes, drawing my lips together in a thin line. “All these sports you play.” I fanned my face, pretending to be impressed with his athleticism. “How’d I end up with a jock as my best friend?”

  “I only pick from the best.” He looked back at Seth. “Rain or shine, she’s there with food and water, just for me.”

  I snickered, but the tension in my gut amplified. I wasn’t good, everyone knew that. I was fake. Shallow. No matter how much he went on about me, Seth, Roderick, and everyone else knew the truth. The truth Danny was blind to.

  “You’re like some sort of mutant,” I joked, hiding further behind the safety of my walls. “If I don’t feed you, no one else will and I’m afraid you’ll die on the field. Then poof,” I slapped my hands together, “there goes the future I have planned for us.”

  “Yeah.” He rolled his eyes. “I can’t wait for the big slobbery dog and all five of our kids.”

  “Seven,” I countered.

  “No.” He leaned forward, putting me in a headlock. “We compromised and you agreed. Five kids, or no deal.”

  My body shook in quiet laughter, and my smile widened when I saw Seth laughing with us. A few minutes ago was the first time since fourth grade that I saw him smile. It was just who Danny was and it wasn’t a surprise that he’d managed to not only make him smile, but also laugh.

  “Five kids and two dogs,” I argued between short gasps of breath. “And I get to be a stay-at-home mom.”

  “Fine, but you’re making homemade pasta. None of those store-bought noodles.” He let me go only to hold my face in his hands. Our eyes locked on one another, and I saw the humor behind his eyes. “Homemade,” he said slowly, enunciating each syllable.

  “Homemade,” I repeated, even slower.

  “And naked,” he continued. “I want you naked.”

  “Naked? They’re not even born yet, and already you’re planning on traumatizing our kids.”

  “Pretty sure no one would be traumatized if they saw you naked,” Seth said under his breath.

  Danny, Roderick and I jerked our attention to him, our expressions mirroring our own surprise at his words. When he bowed his head down to hide the blush that crept over his face, I laughed so hard, tears spilled from my eyes and my stomach cramped.

  It was the first time I’d laughed like that in what felt like years. It was liberating. But I clamped on my bottom lip and suppressed the emerging joy when I peeked over my shoulder and saw my other friends looking at us in disapproval.

  Because Brinley Crassus didn’t laugh without restraint. And she sure as hell didn’t have fun with people like Seth and Roderick.

  “I can’t believe you have to work on a project with that freak.” A sympathetic look washed over Nicole’s features when she squeezed my arm.

  “It’s no big deal,” I said before taking a healthy bite of my tuna wrap.

  “He’s not bad on the eyes, but what the hell were you thinking going up to him?” Her sculpted eyebrows shot to her hairline. “Mariah said you were all over each other before Mr. Scott got there. There isn’t something going on between you two, is there?” Disgust marred her features.

  Annoyed, I set my lunch down and folded my hands in front of me. What was I thinking? It was simple really. I wanted to ruin his day, just as he had mine. And I did it the only way I knew how, not realizing it would backfire.

  “Me and the freak together?” I asked on a laugh. “I was having fun with him.”

  A slow smirk crossed my face and she laughed just as I knew she would.

  “You’re such a bitch sometimes,” she said through her laughter.

  I rubbed my chest, right over where it hurt the most. She wasn’t wrong. She wasn’t right either. I was mean, but it also wasn’t who I was.

  Danny took a seat beside me and tucked me under his arm. “Definitely not a bitch,” he said.

  “What about you?” Nicole’s lips parted to form an O. “You got stuck with the loser because of her.”

  “Seth’s cool.” He kissed the side of my head before releasing me and taking a bite of his pizza.

  “Seth’s cool?” Her voice rang in my head and she spun her head to face his table where he sat with one other kid. Neither of them were what anyone would call cool.

  �
��Yeah,” he answered between bites.

  “Maybe you,” she pointed across the table, “should be sitting with him then.”

  Our friends laughed, Jacob’s ringing louder than anyone else’s. Enjoying the attention, she tapped a red fingernail against her lips and waited. When Danny shifted beside me, I reached for his leg and squeezed. He looked back at me through sad, brown eyes but shook his head at my silent plea.

  He was leaving me. Alone. With friends who didn’t like me. Who on most days I didn’t like either.

  “I think I will.” He stood from his spot beside me and with our friends mocking his retreating back, he went to Seth’s table and took a seat. Within seconds their table erupted in laughter.

  It didn’t sound cynical or ugly like ours did, but genuine. Happy. I wanted to be a part of that kind of happiness again. The kind I found earlier in English class. The kind Danny always seemed to find and expose. But more than that, I wanted to be a part of something real. Something that would rub away all the fake, all the shallow.

  Mariah giggled, causing my attention to snap back to her. She eyed me curiously, so I took another bite of my lunch, hoping whatever she thought she saw wouldn’t interest her anymore.

  “Your boyfriend will come crawling back soon enough.” She smoothed her hair back and pulled it in a pony. “Unless you’re worried Seth and his lame friend have more to offer than you do.” She arched a brow.

  Fury burned hot in my veins, but I kept my face calm. My eyes leveled on hers.

  She knew Danny and I weren’t together. She knew just as everyone else in the school knew, he had never had a girlfriend. Too many times his sexuality had become a point of conversation when he wasn’t around. Too many times I’d tuned them out without defending him.

  “Aw c’mon, Mariah, leave the poor faggots alone.” This came from Jacob. His eyes were cold, his lips pressed together in a thin line while his twin tapped a beat on the table beside him.

  Shame was thick in my throat, but I swallowed past it when I stood from my seat.

  “I need to study for my math test,” I said. “I’ll see you guys later.”

  “Brin, we were just joking!” Jacob called after me.

  I kept my stride even, my shoulders back, and my head high. I was impenetrable.

  “Don’t be mad because we don’t like queers!” Jacob shouted, laughing at his own joke.

  I felt the eyes of everyone on the outdoor patio on me. It made me queasy. I shivered, pulling my tan sweater tight around my chest. When I turned to face Jacob, I forced a smile on my face.

  Danny watched, waited. Hope and fear shined behind his eyes. I couldn’t let him down. I couldn’t let myself down either.

  “Jealousy is such an ugly trait,” I sing-songed back at Jacob. “Just because gay men don’t find you attractive, doesn’t mean you’re not pretty.”

  Laughter erupted around us. Jacob grinned back at me and when I shot him the middle finger, he shook his head.

  We were still friends. I was still on the top of the pedestal. Untouchable.

  While we still had time before lunch was over, I headed to my next class. It would give me the time I needed to regroup and study. I turned the corner and ran straight into a wall.

  Or not a wall, but a chest. A hard one with broad shoulders and corded arms.

  Fingers dug into my arm, steadying me so I wouldn’t fall. When I peered up at Roderick’s face, he took a step back and shoved a piece of paper in to my chest. The paper fell, gliding back and forth slowly before it hit the floor. I took the paper from the floor and choked on a cry when I saw the word he’d circled.

  Afraid

  Yeah, I was afraid. Of everything and nothing. All at once the fears slammed together in my gut, making it difficult for me to breathe.

  But he was the one who had circled it. A word that had to resonate with both of us.

  He was afraid too, he just hid it behind thicker, higher walls than I had built.

  After listening for any noise, I eased into my cave quietly, hoping and praying Roderick wasn’t there. It’d been a long day at school. A bad one, all born from my decision to taunt Roderick for a sin he didn’t know he’d committed. Made worse by cheer practice where I had to listen to Nicole and Mariah question me in front of everyone. Where I had to put them in their place with snide comments that made me feel even uglier.

  While the cave itself didn’t look different, it was. Everything was different because of Roderick, who had claimed my secret hideaway. Two garbage bags full of clothes leaned against my rock. The rock I hunched away from as I wrote. The same rock I rested my back on while I poured over the words I’d written. A flashlight rested beside rumpled sheets and a pillow lay across the hard ground. My ground.

  Not only had he invaded my cave, but he made my spot his personal bedroom.

  I beamed the flashlight from my phone around the rest of the cave, looked for somewhere else I could settle in to write. Because if he was staying, which it looked like he was, he wasn’t pushing me out. I needed this cave. I needed something that was mine. I needed to breathe.

  A small corner, away from his things looked to fit the part so I kneeled down with my book bag in front of me. Once I found my notebook and pencil, I pulled them out. And breathed.

  Inhale.

  Exhale.

  Something any one of us can do without thinking or direction. Something that too often seemed so difficult for me.

  I set my phone beside me, allowing the flashlight to illuminate the small area I sat in. Thinking, I peered forward, not really looking at anything but the words that played behind my mind. With a content smile, I drew my pencil to the notebook, but stopped when something on the wall caught my eye.

  Curious, I grabbed my phone and shone the light toward the wall. My chest constricted with the weight of what I saw.

  Alone isn’t such a tragedy

  when you’re trapped in a past

  that holds no future.

  I stood on shaky legs and when I reached the wall, I traced the lettering with my fingers. The handwriting was jerky but bold, as if whoever had written the message wanted to be heard, to be seen.

  Roderick. It had to be him. Since I found this place during summer break, no one else had come by. I hadn’t told anyone about it. Not Danny and definitely not Nicole. It was mine, but it looked like I was going to have to share. And at the moment, with my eyes glued on Roderick’s words, I didn’t mind.

  A black magic marker sat beside the wall. After a quick glance around, I picked it up. My heart hammered in my ears, deafening me to everything. My tongue peeked out, wetting my lips. With one palm resting on the smooth surface of the wall, I wrote my own message to a loner who’d made today hell. He hadn’t done it on purpose. Hell he had no way of knowing the disaster he’d start by being at my cave and not giving me the time I needed to write.

  A broken soul

  can turn cold.

  No one can make it alone.

  It was the closest I’d ever come to telling anyone the truth. The closest he’d get to an explanation on why I was no longer the girl he remembered from our childhood. Why after years of friendship, I’d not only turned away from him but began calling him a freak until the name caught on and everyone started calling him that. The ache in my heart grew. My breaths fell rapidly, my chest heaving with the effort. But no one was there to hear me. To tell me it would be okay.

  I wasn’t alone though, I reminded myself. I surrounded myself with people, so I wouldn’t be alone where my mom’s illness snapped at my heels. No matter how much I tried to outrun it, it was always there. Reminding me what my future might hold.

  Distance. I had to distance myself from it. From everyone who might look. I had to stay in the limelight, where everyone could see me outshine the ugly, the dark. Until it no longer existed.

  My head swam. My vision blurred. Holding a hand to my stomach, I sucked in a desperate breath. Then another, trying to pull myself back.

  Alo
ne isn’t such a tragedy

  I ran Roderick’s words in my mind, staring blindly at the wall, doing my best to make sense of it all. My limbs shook so hard I could barely hold myself upright.

  Alone isn’t such a tragedy

  A sob broke from deep within my soul. It smashed down every barrier until the tightness in my chest lifted. Relief washed over me and I rested my pounding head against the cool wall. When I felt better, I pulled back and read over the mismatched poems.

  My words and Roderick’s words bled together.

  It wasn’t perfect. It wasn’t eloquent and probably not very poetic. But it was us. Him and me. Roderick and Brinley in our rawest forms.

  Not wanting to be here when Roderick came back, I grabbed my stuff and ran out of the cave. Rather than going back to my car the way I normally would, I deviated through the woods. It made the hike longer and if the sky opened up once more I’d be drenched by the time I made it to my car. If Roderick came back while I was hiking, he’d see my car but hopefully we wouldn’t see each other. I didn’t want him to know it was me who left him that message. Not now, maybe not ever.

  A rush passed through me. Alive, that’s how I felt. My body hummed with the feeling. I never felt this way before, this vulnerable. I didn’t want to lose it. Not any of it.

  When I reached my car, I started the ignition and left. Hoping and praying Roderick would continue writing on the wall, making it more than two distinct poems, but some sort of message to one another.

  Dinner was quiet with just my dad and me. My mom’s good day was as fleeting as a sand castle built on the shore at low tide and by time I made it home, she’d locked herself in her bedroom.

  Her illness stole her from us. Most days, I didn’t have a mom just as my dad didn’t have a wife. I couldn’t blame him for leaving her, not when he found someone else that made him happy. He wouldn’t desert her though, he’d continue to take care of her. He would no longer be staying in our house, but would move into his girlfriend’s place when the divorce was finalized. Until then, I could continue pretending we were still the family we once were. The mom who would braid my hair and tell me fun stories on the drive to school. The dad who’d grill outside every weekend with our neighbors and run across our backyard with me on his back.