Shallow

by Yessi Smith

  We only had six months before graduation. Six months before I went off to college and started a new life outside of this beach town. I wanted to become someone new. Someone I liked. Why couldn’t I start now instead of waiting six months?

  I smiled back at Seth, my reply on my tongue, when Jacob ran into him. Seth’s tray tilted, but he caught it before it could fall.

  Jacob chuckled. “Loser,” he said loudly in Seth’s ear. He wound an arm over my shoulders. “Let’s go, Brin.”

  My heart wanted to stay with Seth, to sit with him and shrug out of Jacob’s hold, but I knew better. Knew where I belonged. I sent him an apologetic nod. He looked directly at me. His lips pulled down in a scowl. And I saw it. This was my fault. Because I’d been talking to him.

  Taking my usual spot next to Danny, I sat at our table and fiddled with the wrapper that covered my turkey burger. I was hungry, but not really. Jacob and Joseph high-fived each other while everyone at the table laughed. All except Danny, who rested his hand on my lap, grounded me to the here and now when all I wanted was to go back to the cave. To hide in Roderick’s words.

  But I had them. Etched to memory in my mind and on a piece of folded paper in my jeans. I wanted to be resilient. I wanted to sew myself together. Stronger, braver. And I wanted to do it with Roderick.

  “Did you see that scrawny loser’s face?” Mariah asked on a laugh. “He was all…” she made a dumbfounded look.

  Fisting my hands, I reminded myself to breathe.

  Inhale.

  Exhale.

  They – these people I surrounded myself with – they didn’t matter. What I did mattered. What I didn’t do mattered.

  “You’re welcome, Brin.” Jacob’s smile was big, showed off perfect white teeth.

  “What am I thanking you for?” I asked.

  His brows shot up in mock horror. “For Seth. Just ‘cuz your gay-ass boyfriend likes him, doesn’t mean he should be talking to you.”

  Danny’s grip on my lap hardened. I took his hand in mine, twining our fingers together when I leaned on his shoulder.

  “You and I are so much alike, aren’t we Jacob?” I asked.

  He nodded on a grin.

  “We make fun of people to show others how beneath us they are.” I brought Danny’s and my joined hands to my lips and kissed the back of his hand. “The truth is, we’re the ones beneath them. We’re the ones not worth a shit, but it’s easier, isn’t it? To distract others so they don’t see us?”

  Joseph’s eyes widened. Jacob shot up from where he sat, slamming his hands on the table.

  “What are you sayin’, Brin?” Joseph asked through gritted teeth.

  “Isn’t it obvious?” I shrugged. “Danny and Seth and everyone else we ridicule are the good ones. The better ones. Jacob and I,” I shook my head, “we’re the assholes.” I looked at each of my friends that sat around me at our table. “We’re all assholes.”

  “Yeah?” Jacob rested his fists on the table and leaned in to me.

  I didn’t back away, didn’t turn to Danny when he let go of my hand and stood beside me. I held my gaze level with his, threw my shoulders back. “Yeah. You know it, don’t you? That’s why you pick on Seth, why you talk crap about Danny. You’ll never be even a fraction of who they are.”

  Joseph was the first to react. A fist flew above me, almost making contact with Danny’s face. Danny grabbed Joseph’s wrist, pulled him across the table while the rest of us jumped from our seats. But it wasn’t Danny, Joseph or Danny’s football team that suddenly surrounded us that held my attention.

  Jacob strolled past the few tables to where Seth and his friend sat. They stayed seated while I watched, wanting to look away, afraid to do so. Because I’d caused this, hadn’t I? Egged Jacob on.

  Jacob uncapped his soda and after taking a quick swig, he poured it over Seth’s food. If that weren’t enough, Jacob then splashed the little that remained in Seth’s face. He took it. Seth took it all with a brave look that I couldn’t help but admire.

  I respected him for it. For not jumping out of his seat. For not feeding in to Jacob’s actions.

  I moved without thinking. Moved without realizing where I was going until I stood behind Jacob. Bracing a hand on his shoulder, I pulled him to the side. He shrugged out my hold.

  “That’s enough,” I whispered. “You’ve proven my point.”

  When I turned, Jacob gripped my wrist, tugged me to him. Danny was by my side within seconds and grabbed Jacob’s shirt by the collar. I let him deal with him, let myself walk away only to take my unopened sandwich and put it on the table in front of Seth along with some napkins.

  “I’m sorry,” I said, my voice low. “I’m so sorry, Seth.”

  I couldn’t look at him, wouldn’t look at him as I took the wet tray from in front of him and left it on top of a trash bin. With the sound of screaming and whistling behind me, I left not bothering to look back. Familiar footsteps sounded behind me and I turned around when they got closer.

  “Hey.” Danny hugged me. It was a tight embrace, one I didn’t want to end, but I did. I was done being the shallow princess. I was done being someone I hated. Even if it left me alone.

  “Go sit with Seth,” I said buried against his broad chest. “I just made him an even bigger target. He needs someone who can defend him.”

  He kissed the top of my head. “What about you?”

  I tucked my hand into my pocket, touched the poem I hid there. “I’m fine.”

  Or at least I would be.

  I watched it all unfold from my spot under a tree. Brinley looked scared but fierce. Determined.

  The only kink in her armor showed when she watched Danny walk away. But she maintained her composure. When she pulled out a piece of paper from her pocket, relief flooded her. She held the piece of paper to her chest as she walked to her next class.

  When I couldn’t see her anymore, I followed her. She leaned her back against the wall and dropped her bottom to the ground. Her eyes never looked up from the piece of paper she held. I waited for her to open it, to read what was so dear to her heart.

  Slowly, meticulously, she unfolded the paper and dipped her head down to read its contents. Pretty lips twitched until they finally stretched in a smile. It was her smile that undid me. The pure joy and relief she found in words I couldn’t read.

  Digging into my book bag, I took out a granola bar. I hadn’t eaten since this morning when I scarfed down a bar for breakfast. Since money and food weren’t things I had readily available, I was saving this bar for dinner.

  Long, rushed strides carried me to Brinley. She peeked up from behind her paper. A blush crept over her cheeks and she folded the paper quickly.

  “Here.” I tossed the bar at her.

  It landed on her lap. She looked at it and then at me. Her eyes squinted and I shuffled under her scrutiny.

  “Thanks,” she mumbled.

  Silence thickened the air between us. It grew, expanding in my chest. I wanted to leave, but didn’t want to leave her alone.

  “Wait!” she called out when I turned.

  From her spot on the ground, she handed me half of the bar. The gesture alone made me hungrier than I was moments ago. I tipped my head in a silent thank you and after taking the bar from her outstretched hand, I ate it in two bites.

  My stomach grumbled. I placed a hand over it to quiet it. Not the least bit appeased with the little I’d eaten the past few days, it twisted in protest.

  “I’m gonna get a refill.” I shook my empty bottle of water and bent down to grab hers.

  At the water fountain, I steadied myself, my breathing. One act of kindness, one show of who she once was didn’t mean the Brinley I knew from so long ago was back. But it was a start.

  It made me wonder if I had her wrong all along. If she hadn’t ditched her friends to find new ones, but to surround herself with people who’d never care enough to see past the charade and find her scars.

  The idea struck me hard, straigh
t in my knotting stomach.

  While I had thought Brinley had deserted me, maybe it was me who’d deserted her.

  When I returned her bottle now full of water, she handed me back her half of the bar, which she had tucked back in to the wrapper.

  “I can’t eat.” She motioned toward the bar she held out to me. “My stomach hurts.”

  “You’re sure?”

  “Yeah.”

  This time I ate slower, washing down each bite with a swallow of water. I hoped that would hold me over until tomorrow because now… now I didn’t have anything left to eat until I could scrounge up some snacks with the loose change I’d been picking up.

  “Sit.” She gestured to the empty spot beside her. After opening up one of her folders, she said, “Why don’t we work on our assignment? You know, since I was super late to class and then stormed out in the most dramatic fashion.” She eased her lips in a smile that fell when I didn’t return it.

  “What’s going on with you?” I asked, searching her face for something, a hint of what she kept hidden.

  She eased her head against my shoulder. I stiffened. Not because I didn’t like her there, but because I liked it too much. I liked the feel of her closeness the same way I liked how she had felt when she’d wrapped her arms around me and rested her head on my chest. With a jerk she pulled away. It didn’t feel right, her pulling away from me. I cupped the side of her face and moved her so that she rested her face back on my shoulder.

  “Circle shallow,” she whispered. It sounded broken. She sounded broken.

  She closed her eyes when I took our assignment from her. I hated circling it, hated that I was the one who’d called her shallow. There was more to her than that. More to her than she wanted anyone to see.

  I let my eyes dart across the paper, looking for a word that was true. A truth she kept hidden.

  Depth.

  “I think I was wrong about you,” I whispered, my breath brushing across the top of her head, making a few strands of her blonde hair dance.

  She peered up at me, slowly blinked a few times. I tapped the paper with the eraser of my pencil.

  “You pretend to be shallow so no one can see your depth,” I said.

  “You don’t know that.” Her words bled from her lips. She wanted to believe me, wasn’t sure if she could. “You don’t know me anymore.”

  “I do,” I resolved. “You’re still the same girl who helped me through the hardest time of my life.”

  “Yeah.” She huffed. “That girl left you when you still needed her.”

  “Only to save herself.” Long fingers brushed over her arm. Goosebumps spread wherever I touched. “I’m sorry I didn’t see it before. I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you when you needed me. I dunno, maybe I was still too lost to see it, to see you. But I see you now, Brinley. Whatever you need, I’m here.”

  It was true. Another truth I could give her. One I hoped she wouldn’t hide from.

  “What if you can’t save me?”

  “What if you can save yourself?” I countered.

  What if you can save me?

  Shunning your friends in front of everyone isn’t something I’d recommend. It had a way of casting you out, making all your insecurities more visible.

  The only reprieve I had was the short moments I spent with Roderick. His words healed a part of my soul I thought was tainted indefinitely. He wanted me to save myself. I wasn’t sure I could.

  Heck, I didn’t know if I could live the words I clung onto. But I wanted to try. Didn’t I deserve it—for myself, to try? To be resilient and strong.

  They weren’t words I’d thought of for myself. It didn’t mean they couldn’t be true.

  I’d proven I had some sort of strength, hadn’t I?

  Danny, being the best friend I could ever ask for, stayed with me the rest of the day. Even in classes he didn’t belong. The teachers let him though. There weren’t many people who could resist his charm, including teachers.

  He was good, better than good. Made the remainder of the day bearable when all I wanted to do was hide.

  If I thought I’d been dreading lunch, it had nothing on the dread that settled on my shoulders as Danny walked me to cheer practice. Mariah and Nicole huddled together, both of them shooting me angry glares when I walked into the gym.

  “I’ll be at football practice,” Danny said from beside me. “I’ll come get you when I finish.”

  I nodded. “Okay.”

  He tipped my chin up, kissed both of my cheeks before he closed his arms around me. I loved his hugs. Loved how safe I felt in his arms.

  “You’re okay, sweetheart,” he murmured in to my hair. “No one’s gonna give you shit.”

  “Yeah?” I looked up at him, at my best friend. “You gonna kick a bunch of cheerleaders’ asses if they do?”

  He laughed. “You’ve got this, babe.”

  I did. I could do this. The past four years I’d built my life on pretending I was better than others. Now, I just had to show them the truth. I was nobody, nothing special. Just a scared girl that lashed out for all the wrong reasons.

  “Thank you.” His arms tightened around me.

  I squirmed in his hold to hug his neck. On my tip toes, I kissed his cheek.

  “You have nothing to thank me for.”

  Pain crossed his features, made my heart spasm in my chest. “I have everything to thank you for.”

  Our coach blew her whistle and after another quick squeeze, Danny let me go. I felt too exposed without him. Too vulnerable when he left the gym to go to the football field.

  Our coach gathered some of her things while the girls stood in the center of the basketball court. Shoulders back, head up, I went to them.

  “If Danny hugged me like that, I’d make sure to turn the poor guy straight,” Mariah said when I reached the group. Her voice dripped with malice.

  “You can’t turn someone gay or straight,” Nicole said.

  She looked at me, her eyes shining with the same uncertainty I felt. I wanted to go to her, talk to her. She turned away, shut me out before I had the chance.

  “You’re either gay or you aren’t,” Nicole continued.

  “Why are you two obsessed with his sexuality?” I questioned.

  “Why aren’t you?” Mariah quipped, her tone dry.

  “Danny is Danny.” I shrugged. “He’s my best friend. That’s all I care about.”

  “What a great friend you are.” This dry remark came from Nicole. She stared at my white tennis shoes. “As long as he’s there for you, you don’t really care about anything else. That’s what makes you an asshole. Not teasing others.”

  I jolted at her words, felt them in the pit of who I was. I wasn’t a good friend. Not to her, not to Danny. I took care of myself first. Always. But that didn’t mean I didn’t care about them. That I didn’t hurt when they did. That I didn’t try to be there for them.

  “Teasing others?” I focused on that. It was the only tangible comment I could respond to. “Is that what we call harassing people? Leaving nasty notes in people’s lockers? Writing lies on the bathroom walls? What about Facebook? Where we continue to tease them because taunting them at school isn’t enough?”

  Nicole folded her arms over her chest. “This is high school. We’re supposed to do that.” She paused. “And if we don’t, then someone else will.”

  “Then I’ll let someone else do it for me.”

  “Then you’ll be the one targeted.”

  My bottom lip wobbled. I forced a smile on my face. As if I didn’t care. As if being on top where others couldn’t pry, didn’t matter.

  It did though. It mattered too much. Because if they found out what I was hiding, my life would be over.

  “Brinley!” Our coach called out. “You’re on.”

  I didn’t feel the lightness I normally felt before we started. And as I walked the girls through our routine, I didn’t care for perfection. Didn’t care if they knew the moves. My only goal was to exhaust
myself. Maybe then, I’d find sleep tonight.

  “Hey.” The familiar voice of Seth stopped me as I made my way out of the gym.

  Mariah slammed her shoulder against him when she walked by. He held his ground, barely moved, but kept his chin tucked down to his chest.

  “Hey back,” I said.

  I waited. Letting him decide if he wanted to talk to me, or if he hated me the way he should.

  He stared at his shuffling foot for a long time, so I finally broke the silence.

  “Danny’s still in practice,” I said, looking to the field. “He should be done in about five or ten minutes. Wanna sit with me while I wait for him?” I gestured toward the picnic table a few feet from us.

  “Yeah.” He stalled. “Sure. My mom should be here to pick me up any minute.”

  We let our book bags rest on the bench while we sat on the table. The silence was awkward. Deafening.

  I fidgeted with my fingers, hoping Danny would finish soon. Lightning struck the next town over, but at least it wasn’t raining here. Yet. From the gray clouds moving toward us, I knew it wouldn’t be long until the sky opened up.

  “Thanks.” He nudged my leg with his. “For today. Danny said you stood up for me, before Jacob… you know,” he finished with a smirk.

  I tapped his leg back with mine. “I should’ve done it a long time ago.”

  “No one’s ever done that for me before.” He scrubbed his face with his hands several times. “No, actually Roderick has a few times, but no one else has.”

  “Roderick stood up for you before?” Disbelief caught in my throat, made my voice sound squeaky. I coughed to clear it. “That was cool of him.”

  “Yeah, our freshmen year and a few times after that.” His fingers toyed with the fabric of his jeans. “I guess I should stick up for myself but…” he trailed off.

  “You shouldn’t have to.”

  “Yeah, I guess.”

  We were quiet again.

  “What do you like to do?” I asked quickly. “You know, hobbies.”

  He shrugged. “My grandpa taught me how to cut wood a few years ago. I like making stuff.”