Shallow

by Yessi Smith

“She’s not as bad as you think,” he defended.

  “No.” I shook my head. “That’s not what I meant. She barely talks to me, won’t return my calls or texts. I’m surprised she’s talking to you. Happily surprised,” I amended.

  “She’ll come around.” He said it with such confidence, I had no other choice but to believe him.

  “Does this mean you’re gonna be my hot date for the Ball?” I asked, letting myself get excited over the dance again.

  Like Nicole said, it was our last Fall Ball. Whether or not I won the silly title, didn’t matter. Just that I showed up, danced, and had a great time.

  “You know it.” He smoothed down his shirt as he straightened his back.

  “Okay, future king of the fancy Fall Ball, but don’t you have someone else you want to take?”

  “Sweet Brin,” he kissed my temple, “I think we both know I can’t take anyone I’d want to take.”

  My heart caught in my throat and I wanted Danny to keep talking. To confide in me what he kept closest to his heart, so he wouldn’t have to carry the burden alone.

  I swallowed. “If you could take whoever you wanted, who would you go with?”

  “You.” He grinned. “The prettiest girl in the school, who also happens to feed me.”

  I laughed. Yeah, Danny loved the food I took him. And until we graduated, I’d continue making him sandwiches and taking them to practices and games. Never once would I miss one of his games. Just as I would continue to leave Roderick food and snacks.

  It was nice seeing him take out one of the sandwiches I made him and eat it along with a pear, which from the look on his face was still his favorite. At least I knew, twice a day he was eating, even if it wasn’t a hearty or very fulfilling meal. Next week, I’d get in the kitchen and make him stew. Something I could put in a thermos to help him fend off the chill at night. The sandwiches would work for lunch though.

  With my plan brewing in my head, I smacked a kiss on Danny’s cheek. Just as we reached my car, the sky opened and rain started pelting against us.

  Roderick. My mind immediately went to him. He wouldn’t have made it to the cave by then.

  “I gotta run!” I shouted over the thunder.

  “See you tomorrow?” Danny asked.

  “Yep, tomorrow.”

  Danny shut my door behind me and I drove away, toward the cave. I found Roderick walking against the wind less than a mile away. His shoulders shook while he kept his face down. I pulled my car to the side of the road and rolled down the passenger window, but with the angry storm beating around us, Roderick couldn’t hear me when I shouted his name.

  After rolling the window back up, I jumped out of the car and raced to him. Reaching him, I grabbed his hand and tugged.

  “Come on!” I yelled.

  His brows drew together in confusion.

  Maybe I was confused too. Here I was, bringing home the boy I’d been keeping at a safe distance, where he would be able to uncover all my secrets.

  “We’re getting soaked! Get in the car.”

  I pulled his hand harder and this time, he listened. Once inside the car, I turned the heat on even more. Roderick rested his head against the window with his hands shaking on his lap. I took his hands in mine and brought them to my mouth where I breathed hot air on them while I rubbed them furiously between mine.

  “What are you doing, Brinley?” He sounded exhausted. Exhausted and dejected.

  “Getting you out of the rain and warm,” I replied.

  I took off my jacket and although it wasn’t much, I put it over his shuddering chest and drove us to my house. The entire drive, rain continued to fall as if it never intended to stop. When we got to my house, I urged him out of the car before I sprinted to the front door. With his hand, still cold, in mine, I led him through my bedroom and into the bathroom.

  “Take off your clothes and leave them by the door so I can dry them,” I instructed as I turned the water in my shower on hot. “I’m gonna grab you some of my dad’s clothes, so you can put them on after you shower.”

  He grinned. It was slow and tired, but it made my heart leap so hard I thought it’d slam straight out of my chest.

  “You trying to tell me I smell bad?” he joked and then sneezed.

  “Yes, now go.”

  I closed the door behind me and waited for him to open it, so I could get his clothes. When he did, I raced to the laundry room, dumped his clothes in the dryer and turned it on. I grabbed one of my dad’s folded shirts and gym pants from the top and raced back to Roderick with a clean towel.

  Outside my bathroom door, I knocked. “Can I come in?” I called out.

  “Yeah.” The gruff sound of his voice sounded from the other side.

  Inching the door open, I crept in, keeping my eyes on the floor as I settled the clothes and towel on the bathroom sink.

  “Clothes and towel are right here,” I said without looking at him.

  “Thanks for not sneaking a peek.” His voice was light, and I loved the tease behind it. “I’m really shy about being naked.”

  I felt my face inflame and fanned myself as I hurried out, Roderick’s laughter following my every step.

  His laugh was rich and full and made butterflies burst in flight deep in my belly.

  I leaned on my bed and moved to rest my head against one of my pillows, but quickly remembered I too was wet. After changing into fresh clothes, I went back to my bed with my head swimming. I knew why I’d chased after Roderick, why I’d brought him back here and chanced him running into my mom, but now that he was in my bathroom – naked – I wasn’t sure what I was supposed to do next.

  TV, I decided, flipping it on with the remote control that rested on my nightstand. We could watch TV.

  A few minutes later, Roderick shuffled out of the bathroom, his inky hair disheveled from the towel.

  “Come.” I patted the side of my bed.

  His eyes and nose were red, his face pale. Despite how awful I’m sure he felt, he arched a single brow up in question.

  “It’s gonna be raining for a while,” I argued. “Might as well make yourself comfortable before you go back home.”

  “Home,” he repeated. It sounded empty, and I wished I could take it back.

  “Here.” I handed him the remote control when he sat on my bed.

  He stared at it for a long time before he edged his back on the bed and lied down beside me. Instead of looking through the channels, he put the remote between us and turned on his side so that he was facing me.

  Our shoulders brushed against each other when I shifted my body to the side. Face to face. When I covered us both up with my blanket and comforter, he sighed.

  “I’m sorry I hurt your feelings the other day,” he said, his voice small. “I swear I didn’t mean to. I thought… I thought I was protecting you.”

  “Protecting me from what?” I asked.

  “From being seen with me. The freak.” A sad smile tugged on his lips.

  Reaching for him, I ran my fingers through his damp hair. “You’re not a freak, and—“ I licked my lips, wishing for the hundredth time I hadn’t been so harsh with my own words, “you don’t have to be alone if you don’t want to be.”

  My chest tightened at his pained expression.

  “I don’t want to be alone anymore.”

  “Then you’re not alone. I’m right here,” I replied.

  With a nod, he closed his eyes and placed a hand on my waist. My heart drummed loudly in my ears at the contact, but I continued to play with his hair until he fell asleep. With our faces close, our breaths mingling, I fell asleep beside him.

  Three days later and I was still upset I’d woken up alone. At some point the rain had stopped, and Roderick had left me alone on a bed that now felt too big.

  He’d taken his clothes from the dryer and folded my dad’s clothes, leaving them on my bathroom sink. Right next to it was a piece of paper he must’ve torn from one of my notebooks. He’d scribbled A thousand
thank yous will never be enough across the paper. They were the same words he’d written to me when I did his laundry earlier that week. Like the crazy girl he made me out to be, I kept both notes in a drawer in my night stand and every night I traced the letters over and over before I went to bed.

  Although I wanted to go by the cave over the weekend, I stayed away. I wasn’t sure what Roderick and I were to each other. I wasn’t sure if I’d end up chasing him away if I showed up at the cave. Or if we’d somehow end up chasing each other off. I still needed him, still needed the messages we passed onto one another on a cave’s wall. So I played it safe, away from the cave while my mind wandered continuously to him and how he was.

  Monday morning I waited by the same tall tree to watch Roderick walk to school, so I could hurry to the cave and see what’d he’d written, but I never saw him.

  Drumming my fingers on the steering wheel, I drove to school and wondered if he’d moved back into his aunt’s house because of all the rain. While it had slowed down for short bits at a time, it was still pretty relentless.

  “Ah, there’s my favorite girl,” Danny called out when he saw me just before second period. “Did you show your parents how gorgeous you look in your new dress?”

  I blushed at his praise, secretly delighted he thought I looked so good. Even happier that I did what he and my dad told me to do and bought the dress with shoes that paired beautifully with it, along with making an appointment for my hair and nails. My makeup I could do myself.

  “Yeah,” I answered.

  I’d shown my dad as soon as he got back from his shift at the hospital. After he hooted and hollered about how pretty I looked, he demanded I take it back. He even threatened to lock me in my bedroom if I didn’t because according to him, there was no way he could beat off all the guys who’d fall in love with me after seeing me in it.

  My dad had also made the weekend better by hiring a nurse to take care of my mom when he wasn’t there. Which helped, especially at night when she seemed to reach her worst. The nurse was nice, patient, and made sure my mom kept a safe distance from me when she was lost in her mind. But for the few moments Sunday that my mom returned, the three of us enjoyed chocolate chip cookies. What was leftover was wrapped in my bag, some for Roderick and the rest for Danny, who’d already eaten three before lunch.

  “We’re gonna look pretty great together.” I winked.

  Danny had rented a black suit, and he filled it out with his wide shoulders and broad chest. Whoever Danny was hung up on would surely see him and not be able to look away.

  There was a time I would’ve wished it were me. It would’ve made things simpler if we were attracted to each other. But matters of the heart are rarely simple.

  Looking past Danny, I tried to find Roderick. Normally, I wouldn’t see him until we were in the classroom, but I was both anxious and eager to see him. To spend time with him again.

  “Who are you looking for?” Danny asked.

  “Roderick.”

  “I think I finally have you two figured out.” He waggled his finger in my face, and I snapped my jaw pretending I was going to bite it. “One second you guys hate each other, the next you’re in each other’s arms. You like each other. Like… like each other.” He crossed his arms over his chest. “Go ahead, you can tell me. My heart can take the beating.”

  “And why would I want my best friend’s heart to take any sort of beating?”

  “Oh, so we’re playing the best friends cards, huh?” He slung an arm around me as we made our way to Mr. Scott’s class.

  “I told you, you’re my most favorite person who owes me a family with six kids, three dogs and a cat.”

  “You keep changing the terms on me, and I’m never agreeing to marry you,” he teased, but then his expression sobered. “So, you and Roderick?”

  Looking at my feet, I whispered, “I like him.”

  “Don’t look so sad.” He tapped my chin. “I’m no expert, but I’m pretty sure he likes you too. He’d be dumb or gay not to.”

  I giggled, and then covered my mouth to hide it.

  In the classroom, I sat in front of Roderick’s empty desk. My anxiety grew when Roderick never made it to class.

  I’d never skipped class before, but that’s exactly what I did after lunch came and went, and I still hadn’t seen Roderick. It was silly, completely stupid, but I had to go to the cave and see if he was there. Make sure he was okay.

  I drove faster than usual, parked and with my book bag on my back I tore out of my car and through the wooded trail that led to the cave. Mud sloshed around me, covered my shoes and ruined my jeans. Not that it mattered.

  When I reached the mouth of the cave, I called out Roderick’s name before going in. It was as much a warning to him as it was to me.

  I was about to out both of us, consequences be damned.

  I ran over the puddles and when I didn’t see him lying on the ground, I sighed in relief. He wasn’t in here. He had to be back with his aunt, safe in her house.

  A moan sounded from the other side of the cave and when I turned my flashlight on, I saw him. Huddled on a small ledge, high enough the water couldn’t reach him.

  He moaned again and I went to him. His eyes were shut. His face pinched.

  “Roderick,” I said quietly, running my fingers through his hair.

  His lids remained closed and when I caressed his sweaty face, I gasped. His skin was hot, too hot, and his cheeks a rosy pink from his fever.

  “Roderick,” I said again, shaking his shoulder roughly.

  His eyes opened, and he smiled at me. “Brinley,” he whispered my name.

  “I need you to get up.”

  He shook his head and shut his eyes.

  “Roderick, I need you to get up. Please,” I pleaded with him.

  When I tried to sit him upright, he followed my lead. His head fell forward, and he braced the sides of his face with his hands.

  “My car’s just a few miles from here. You think you can make it?”

  “Anything for you.” He leaned down to kiss my cheek. “First sleep.”

  I let him lie back down while I tried to figure out what to do next. I sat beside him combing my fingers through his silky hair and across his stubbled cheek. God, he was warm. I needed to break his fever.

  Bending down to my knees, I rummaged through my book bag until I found the Tylenol I always kept in the front pocket. When I stood back up, I reached Roderick and forced him to sit up again. I handed him a bottle of water and two pills but he simply stared at his hands with his eyes glazed over.

  “Open your mouth,” I said, placing the two pills against his lips. When he took them in his mouth, I brought my bottle of water to his lips and urged him to drink.

  “Can I sleep now?” Already, his eyes were closing.

  I got up on the ledge and together I laid us down. He rested his head on the crook of my arm and fell back to sleep with my hand in his hair.

  The pounding behind my head had gotten better. It wasn’t gone, but definitely better. Soft murmurs carried me out of my sleep. When I opened my eyes to find Brinley beside me humming softly while her fingers toyed with my hair, I inched myself closer to her. To the warmth of her body and away from the cold that surrounded me.

  This was a dream. It had to be. And it wasn’t one I was ready to wake up from.

  The smooth skin on the back of her hand stroked my cheek. Although, I didn’t want to open my eyes again, didn’t want to wake up, I had to look at her. To see the bright green of her eyes, the pretty plumpness of her lips, drink her in, make her part of me so she’d never leave me again.

  “You’re awake,” she whispered.

  “No,” I argued, pressing my fingers in to her waist as I drew myself even closer to her. “Pretty sure I’m still dreaming.” I smiled. “Best dream ever.”

  “Nope.” She kissed my forehead. “You’re awake and your fever’s better.”

  That got my attention. Slowly, I sat up, taking her
with me. She pressed her small form against my chest and although I didn’t push her away, it hurt. My whole chest hurt, felt too tight. I coughed to loosen it to no avail.

  “We have to get you out of here,” she said as she got off the ledge that was my bed.

  “This is the weirdest dream ever.” I shook my head, trying to rid myself of the fog.

  “Not a dream, Roderick.” She smiled. “I can grab one of your bags of clothes. Think you can walk to my car? It’s a long hike, but it stopped raining. If you’re okay with it, I can call Danny. I know he’ll help us.”

  “Wait, what?”

  Brinley was here, in the cave. And she was going to call Danny?

  “Danny knows I’m here too?” The pain in my head worsened, and I put my hands against either side of my head and groaned.

  She ran her fingers through my hair again. Softly, gently. Barely a whisper. But I felt it. Straight to my heart.

  I looked back at her, my vision pained from the growing ache in my head, but I couldn’t take my eyes off her.

  “What are you doing here?” I asked.

  “It’s me,” she whispered, her mouth pressed against my forehead. “I’m the one who’s been leaving you messages on the wall.”

  Dropping my hands from my head, I wrapped them around her waist and pulled her to me. I rested my head against her chest where her heart beat wildly, erratically.

  “Of course it was you,” I murmured. “It’s always been you.”

  Her hands touched my face, and she kissed my nose. And damn, I loved her kisses. Whether they were on my forehead, my nose, my lips. I wanted them all. All of her kisses.

  “We have to get out of here,” she reminded me.

  I took her hand in mine and followed her back to level ground where she picked up one of my bags.

  Fear gripped me and I stopped moving. “I’m not going back to my aunt’s house.”

  “No,” she agreed with a smile.

  I followed her through the woods and tried to get a grip on my thoughts, of what she’d said. She was the one who’d been writing poems with me. The one who’d been leaving me food every day. The one who’d cleaned my clothes and sheets twice last week and had left me a pillow that wasn’t soaked.