Shallow

by Yessi Smith

  “I want you with me every night,” he said, his tone serious.

  I couldn’t fight back my grin. “I’ll go to your place after you get back from the urgent care then. What about your aunt?” I paused. “Am I going to have to sneak in through a window or something?”

  He wheezed out a laugh and put a hand to his stomach. “You can come in through the front door. I’ll let her know you’re staying with me.”

  “And she’ll be okay with that?”

  “Yes.” His word was final, and I didn’t bother arguing with him.

  Roderick messed with the radio, turning the knob until he found a song he liked. Beside me, my phone vibrated and Danny’s name lit up on the screen. I let it ring until it went to voicemail. I’d call him later, after I left Roderick’s place.

  When I got to his house, his aunt ran out of the front door. Roderick grunted before opening the door and when he stepped out, she embraced him in a long hug that he eventually returned.

  While they talked, I grabbed his belongings from the trunk and gave them to his aunt. She eyed me suspiciously.

  “This is my aunt, Victoria,” Roderick said. “And this is my girlfriend, Brinley.”

  I shook his aunt’s hand, vaguely remembering her face from when we were younger.

  “Nice to meet you,” I muttered.

  “I’m sure Roderick’s told you all sorts of wonderful things about me,” Victoria teased. It didn’t sound mean or anything, just curious.

  I stayed quiet.

  “You’ll be coming by when we get back from the doctor?” she asked.

  “Yes,” Roderick answered for me. It came out stiff.

  “Do your parents know you’re staying the night here?”

  “No,” I answered honestly before Roderick could say anything. “They think I’m staying at another friend’s house.”

  “I can’t let you stay then.”

  Roderick worked his jaw back and forth.

  “But you can let your nephew stay outside for three weeks, so he winds up with bronchitis?” I asked. “That doesn’t bother you?”

  Red spilled across her cheeks. I could see her pulse hammer against her throat as she narrowed her eyes at me. “I didn’t let Roderick stay outside. That was his decision. I asked him to come back here. He didn’t listen.”

  “You asked him to come back?” I snorted. It was ugly and disrespectful, but I was angry. “Tell me, did you say please when you asked?”

  “Brin.” Roderick rested his hand on my shoulder. A warning for me to stop, but I kept going.

  “It’s been raining for weeks. How many times did you go out looking for him? How many people did you call to see if he was with them? What did you do to get him back?” My heart shook with my anger. “I’m staying the night to make sure someone takes care of him.”

  Roderick followed me to my car where he opened the door for me. Before I could get in, he took me in his arms and rested his face against mine. My hands snaked around his back and I held onto him.

  “I’ll see you later,” he brushed over my ear.

  Just below the surface

  she crept and

  stole the ground beneath me.

  Now I’m falling

  In to her.

  I purposely kept Roderick’s notebook, so I could read his poem again.

  My phone vibrated, and I picked it up to see a selfie of Roderick wearing a nebulizer mask. His thumbs up made my heart clench.

  Rather than taking him to an urgent care, his aunt had taken him to the Emergency Room where they confirmed he had bronchitis and had given him two breathing treatments and no timeframe as to when he’d be able to go back home.

  It was already after ten and with the rain coming down harder than before, I wouldn’t be going to his house.

  I huffed in disappointment and sent him a quick text.

  Me: The mask looks great on you. Very Bane-like

  Roderick: Bane? Like from Batman? Pls tell me my girl knows her Superhero movies

  I shook my head. He was ridiculous, but God, I liked him.

  Me: Yeah

  At the same time I sent my next text, his reply came in

  Roderick: That is the hottest thing ever. Don’t say anything else

  Me: My dad forces me to watch them

  Roderick: Moment ruined. Thks

  I sent him a heart emoji and then went to Danny’s name to text him since I never replied to his earlier call.

  Me: Hey, I’m not gonna make it to the dance tomorrow. Please don’t hate me

  I wasn’t surprised when I saw his name flashing with an incoming call. Danny would rather talk than text.

  “Do you hate me?” I asked in way of greeting.

  “Never,” he answered. “Everything okay?”

  “Yeah, I just haven’t been feeling well.”

  “You’re not sick, Brin.” He said it with such confidence that I couldn’t deny it.

  “No, I’m not.”

  “Talk to me.”

  “My mom’s sick,” I whispered into the phone.

  He stayed quiet. Tears welled in my eyes and I didn’t know why I wanted so badly to tell him. Why the words beat against my tongue, desperate to come out and confide in someone else. Cleanse myself of everything I’d held onto.

  I told him everything. The same I’d told Roderick, but this time without the sickening feeling that I would be left alone.

  “Do you want me to stay with you tomorrow?” he asked when I finished. “We don’t have to go to the dance.”

  “No.” I blushed. “Actually, the reason I’m not going to the dance is because I’m going to Roderick’s. He’s at the ER right now, has bronchitis and although he wasn’t going to go to the dance anyway, I want to take the dance to him.”

  “Oh I see.” It came out amused and I felt my blush deepen.

  “Shut up,” I muttered.

  He barked out a loud laugh.

  “Are you angry with me?” I asked.

  “Not even a little bit,” he answered. “Is Roderick okay?”

  “Yeah, they’re giving him some breathing treatments and medicine. I’m hoping he’ll be home soon.”

  “Don’t you think it’s weird that you and him were sick on the same week?” His voice was nothing but a tease.

  A loud wail echoed from the other side of my door. I held my breath, waited for my mom to stop, for Bridgette to take her back to her room. Her fingers squeaked against the door as I imagined her falling to the floor.

  “Mrs. Crassus,” Bridgette’s soothing voice said, “why don’t we go back to bed, dear? I’ll make you some tea and we can paint together.”

  “Yes.” Her voice was shaky. “I’d like that very much.”

  My heart stalled and then swelled. My mom had gone back to her room without a fight.

  “Was that your mom?” Danny asked.

  The lies, the secrets were gone and even though nothing had changed, I had. I felt better in sharing my burden with the best guys in my life – my boyfriend and my best friend. Neither would desert me.

  “Yeah. She had a good day today. When I got home, she was back to her regular self.” I paused, left out anything that would reveal Roderick had been staying with me. “It always hits her the hardest after a good day.”

  My mom had broken through the fog enough to help Roderick. When I got home, I was shocked to see her taking care of him in my bathroom. Even more shocked when she offered to bring out her stethoscope.

  She’d met my boyfriend today and liked him. The memory of her smiling at him warmed me.

  “Do you want me to come over?” he asked. “I can sleep on your floor to keep you company.”

  “I love you, Danny,” I breathed into the phone. “So much. You know that, right?”

  “Yeah.” He cleared his throat. “Why else would you want to marry me, have eight kids, four dogs, and a porcupine?”

  I grinned. “Yeah, you’re definitely my favorite person in the world.”

 
“So is your favorite person in the world coming over with chocolate bars?”

  “Another night. It’s late and raining.”

  “This rain’s never gonna stop is it?”

  “It’ll stop,” I answered.

  “Holy crap, maybe you are sick!” he shouted into the phone. “Were you just… optimistic?”

  “Temporary lapse. Won’t happen again.”

  An incoming text made my phone vibrate. After telling Danny to hold on, I clicked on Roderick’s name.

  Roderick: Heading home… still want me to call you when I get in?

  Me: Yep

  Roderick: K

  “Roderick’s heading home now,” I told Danny.

  “I’ll talk to you tomorrow then?” he asked. “You know, when you’re not busy playing nurse.”

  “Yeah, tomorrow.”

  “Love you, Brin. Thanks for trusting me today,” he whispered.

  “I always trusted you,” I rushed out. “It was me I didn’t trust.”

  After hanging up the phone, I went back to Roderick’s journal and re-read his poem for the hundredth time. He was falling for me, and I was falling for him.

  Grabbing my pencil, I wrote him back. It wasn’t on a cave’s wall, but each word spilled from my heart. Still genuine, still raw, still me.

  “Hey,” I said into the phone when Roderick called.

  “Hey, baby.”

  “You sound tired.”

  He was quiet for a bit. “I am. I wish you were with me.”

  “So do I.”

  “The doctor said I should stay in bed for a few days.” I heard him shuffle on his bed, and I imagined him lying on his side, his eyes looking back at me. “Will you come by tomorrow before going to the dance?”

  I smiled. He had no idea I’d be going to him for the dance. “Sure. Are you feeling any better?”

  “Jittery, but the doctor said that’s normal with all the breathing treatments they gave me. He wrote a script for enough treatments to last two weeks. Gave me antibiotics and steroids.”

  He coughed.

  “I kept your notebook,” I said.

  “I know. I was looking for it so I could take it to the hospital.”

  Running my hands over his poem, I said, “I’ll give it back to you tomorrow.”

  “Did you write back to me?” His voice sounded sleepy.

  “I did. Want me to read it to you?”

  “Yeah,” he breathed into the phone.

  “Do you have the pillow I gave you?”

  “Yeah.”

  “I have your stinky pillow too.”

  He laughed.

  “Close your eyes,” I whispered.

  “Okay.”

  “Pretend I’m playing with your hair.”

  He sighed. It sounded content and filled me with longing.

  “Can you feel my fingers through your hair?”

  “Yeah, baby.”

  “He took my heart,

  held it in his secure hands.

  And I fell for him.

  It wasn’t slow this descent,

  but all consuming.”

  “Brin…”

  “I’m falling so hard for you, Roderick,” I said before he could say anything else. “And I’m terrified.”

  “Don’t be, baby,” he whispered. “By the time you finish the fall, I’ll be there to catch you.”

  Anger made my fingers itch and I sucked in a breath that I exhaled on a cough. Just once I’d like my aunt to see things my way, but she was trapped in her own thinking.

  “I don’t want your girlfriend coming over,” she repeated for the third time. “I don’t like her, don’t like the way she talked to me.”

  “She was defending me,” I argued, trying and failing to keep my voice calm.

  “Defending you from me?” She shook her head.

  “Yeah.” Dragging my hands over my face, I said, “She cares about me, okay?”

  “And you don’t think I do?” Her voice rose. “I didn’t want you to leave, that was your choice! And I did what I could to protect you, so you could be happy and go to school and not get in trouble for running away.”

  Running away. It sounded so juvenile, but I guessed that’s exactly what I’d done. I ran away three weeks ago, wandered through the woods and slept against the trees, until I found the cave. Until I got sick and Brinley took me in.

  “Was not renewing my lunch card part of you protecting me?” I choked on a dry laugh. “I had nothing to eat when my job cut my hours. If it weren’t for Brinley, I wouldn’t have had anything to eat.”

  Her face fell, her lips curled down. She blinked a few times, and it was gone. “I forgot about the lunch card.” It came out grave. “I’m sorry about that, but you had your phone. You could’ve called me. You could’ve come back here.”

  “For what? So we can keep doing this?” I gestured to her and me. “Because we get so much accomplished with our talks,” I spat out.

  Grinding her teeth, she said, “She’s a disrespectful brat, Roderick, and I won’t have her in my house.”

  “Your house,” I huffed out. “That’s what it always comes down to. This is your house, not mine.”

  “Roderick…”

  “I get it,” I interrupted. “You have less than six months before I’m gone, and my girlfriend’s coming to hang out with me whenever she wants. Let me have that.” I didn’t mean for it to come out so desperate, but it did.

  Her features softened for a fraction of a second before she set her mouth in a thin line. “If she’s rude to me again…”

  “I’ll talk to her.” Again, I interrupted her. She hated when I did it, so I did it often. Her temper was one of the few things I could control in her house. She always rose to it, always reminded me of the burden I was to her.

  “This is your house too,” she said to me when I turned to leave.

  I tightened my hands into fists and forced myself to relax. First my neck, then my shoulders and back. “It isn’t,” I countered. “This place will never be mine.”

  She let out an agitated breath.

  When I got back to my room, I put on my headphones and turned on the music on my phone. Brinley had texted me earlier this morning, and we talked in the afternoon before she headed to the mall to get her nails and hair done.

  I was glad she was going to the dance and hoped she’d have enough time to swing by for a few minutes before she left. These dances were important to her, they’d always been. I’d never gone to one, but I got to see her smiling face in the pictures she’d post on Instagram. At the time, I’d tell myself her happiness angered me, but it never did.

  How could it when her happiness brought out mine?

  Danny had also texted me in the late morning. He didn’t seem to know anything other than I was sick and had spent a few hours in the hospital. I texted him back a thank you to his get better message and asked him to take care of Brinley tonight and make sure she had a good time. He agreed, and although this was what I wanted, I felt a twist in my gut that I wouldn’t be the one making her smile. That I wouldn’t be there to catch her laughter and hold it to me as we danced.

  While I wasn’t the type to go to school events, I’d make an effort this year. I’d go to the games to watch Brinley cheer, go to dances, and whatever else she wanted. Even go to every one of Danny’s games, so I could be with her as she watched him play.

  This girl, she was making me crazy in the best possible way and every second I spent away from her hurt.

  When the doorbell rang, I turned the music up louder and leaned on my side, away from the new nebulizer that sat on my night stand. While the machine and the medicine I put in there helped with the tightness in my chest, I dreaded the moment when I’d have to do another treatment. The after effects of the medicine made me shaky, not in a way that my limbs shook but in an I’m-going-to-crawl-out-of-my-skin-way.

  Digging out my phone, I clicked on the picture Brinley had sent me of the poem she wrote for me. The memory of
her soft voice reading it to me last night filled my heart, my soul.

  Brinley was falling for me. I’d already fallen. Which meant I’d be there to catch her when she made her final descent.

  A loud knock came from my door. I angled my head to it, but turned back away. Another knock, this one louder.

  Taking my headphones off, I called out, “Yeah?”

  This time the knock was more tentative.

  On a grunt, I swung my feet over the bed and opened my door. And there on the other side was the most beautiful girl. My girl.

  I inhaled a sharp breath, and this time the dizziness didn’t come from my lungs, but from the girl standing in front of me.

  A silver dress sculpted her pretty figure, clung to her like second skin. Strappy heels made her taller, almost my height. I tugged one of the curls that framed her face and then palmed her cheek. She leaned into my touch with a sweet smile on her face.

  “Hi,” I said.

  “Hi,” she replied.

  “You look beautiful.” I couldn’t take my eyes off her, couldn’t move from my spot in front of my door. This girl, she took my breath away, gave it back with new meaning. “You always look beautiful.”

  She tilted her head to the side. “Can I come in?”

  “Yeah, sure.” I scrambled inside, tripped over my feet.

  Carrying a large tote bag, she stepped into my room. I picked up a few pieces of dirty clothes from the floor and threw them into a nearby hamper.

  I was nervous. We’d spent the past week together, but being here in my room scared me.

  She stepped toward me, it was a small step and I met her the rest of the way. Pressing my face against her neck, I touched her arm with a feather light graze. She shivered and wrapped her arms around my neck. My fingers followed the small curves of her body. When I touched her back where her dress dipped low, I pressed my palm against her warm skin.

  “You’re here,” I said, nipping her ear.

  “And I brought food.”

  My stomach rumbled in response.