The Whole Death Catalog

by Harold Schechter

  www.hearsedriver.com

  www.angelfire.com/zine/TheHearseEnthusiast

  www.gravesights.org

  www.hearseclub.com

  www.phantomcoaches.org (which, upon being opened, will regale you with a performance of Chopin’s famous funeral march)

  www.societyoffuneralcoaches.com (not a hearse club but an online gathering place where devotees of mortuary transport can share their passion)

  MORTUARY MASTERPIECE:

  THE 1921 ROCK FALLS HEARSE

  If you’ve been dying to get a good look at a classic American hearse but can’t make it to the National Museum of Funeral History, you’re in luck. Just go to the museum’s website at www.nmfh.org and follow the menu to the 1921 Rock Falls Hearse. There, you will be able to take a guided tour of one of the most opulent “funeral coaches” ever built in this country.

  Constructed by the Rock Falls Manufacturing Company of Sterling, Illinois, this eye-popping vehicle measures eight feet in height and more than nineteen feet in length. Individual links on the virtual tour allow you to examine every amazing detail, from its six-cylinder Continental “Red Seal” engine to its lavish interior (complete with a stained-glass window on the divider between the cab and rear compartment) and its intricately hand-carved wooden body (which took craftsmen more than a year to complete).

  Of course, nothing beats a firsthand view of this beauty, so if you’re ever in Houston, head out to 415 Barren Springs Drive, where you’ll be able to marvel at this and other amazing specimens of the hearse maker’s art.

  Funerals:

  The Consumers

  Last Rights

  As cultural historian Gary Laderman points out in his excellent study Rest in Peace (Oxford University Press, 2003), efforts to reform American funeral practices date at least as far back as the 1920s, when a book by one Quincy L. Dowd denounced the undertaking trade for encouraging “foolish consumer impulses” in the public. In the following years, other, similar books appeared, deploring both the public’s appetite for “vulgar display” and the funeral industry’s readiness to feed it with extravagantly wasteful burial ceremonies.

  It wasn’t until the publication of Jessica Mitford’s The American Way of Death in 1963, however, that funeral industry fraud became a cause célèbre in this country. Mitford’s scathing exposé—made even more devastating by her caustic wit—set off a media firestorm, raising public awareness of the greed, gouging, and outright deception rife in the undertaking business.

  Even so, another decade passed before the federal government—under pressure from consumer rights crusaders—finally took action. After several years of hearings, the FTC instituted a trade rule designed to protect the public from the predatory practices of unscrupulous funeral providers.

  According to the Funeral Rule, undertakers must:

  provide printed itemized price lists for their goods and services

  offer price information over the telephone

  disclose that, except in certain special cases, embalming is not required by law

  allow the consumer to purchase a coffin elsewhere (from a discount online dealer, for example) and not charge a fee for its use

  make “alternative containers” of unfinished wood, cardboard, or other inexpensive material available for direct cremations

  Today there is no shortage of consumer advice available to the public. Even the National Funeral Directors Association, the main lobbying group for the death care industry, offers consumer resources on its website (www.nfda.org). Far more detailed is the guide posted by the Federal Trade Commission, which you’ll find at www.ftc.gov/bcp/conline/edcams/funerals/coninfo.htm.

  As all funeral industry watchdogs will tell you, saving money on funerals boils down to a few very basic principles, the same ones that apply to any significant purchase:

  Shop around. Compare prices from at least two funeral homes. You can visit them in person or inquire over the phone. Also, check out casket prices at various online suppliers for the best deals. If you can do this in advance—before the need arises—so much the better.

  Get a written price list. All funeral homes are required to provide a printed general price list, specifying their fees.

  Avoid “emotional overspending.” Funeral directors often play on the heartstrings of vulnerable family members in an effort to get them to spring for the costliest funeral. Remember: you don’t need to go into debt to honor the memory of your loved one.

  Know your rights. Laws regarding burial vary from state to state. It’s important to know which goods and services are mandatory and which optional. The bible for this information is Lisa Carlson’s Caring for the Dead: Your Final Act of Love (Upper Access, 1998).

  Simplify, simplify. By following Henry David Thoreau’s famous injunction, you can cut costs on funeral expenses. Experts suggest, for example, that you limit the viewing to one day (or even one hour) before the funeral, dress your loved one’s body in a favorite outfit instead of exorbitantly expensive burial clothing, purchase a simple coffin in lieu of the $5,0000 mahogany model, hold an intimate personal memorial in some place that was meaningful to the deceased and forgo an elaborate service in a rented chapel, et cetera.

  RECOMMENDED RESOURCES

  The torch first ignited by Jessica Mitford is currently being carried by the folks at the Funeral Consumers Alliance, the nonprofit educational organization that keeps close tabs on the death care trade and publishes a very helpful series of pamphlets, including Ten Tips for Saving on Funerals, Common Funeral Myths, and How to File a Funeral Complaint (see page 128).

  Another important source of funeral-related facts is the AARP, which offers several good publications on the topic, including one called Funeral Goods and Services. You can get it free of charge by writing to AARP Fulfillment, 601 E Street, NW, Washington, DC 20049, or going to the website, www.aarp.org.

  Online, you’ll find loads of consumer information, including links to dozens of articles, at a site called FuneralHelp.com. An indispensable book is the aforementioned Caring for the Dead by consumer firebrand Lisa Carlson, executive director of the FCA. This thick volume is both a muckraking exposé in the Mitford tradition and an exhaustive how-to guide that will keep you from getting ripped off. Included is a complete state-by-state guide to funeral regulations.

  “FANCY FUNERAL”

  Though it seems doubtful that the highborn British muckraker Jessica Mitford spent much time listening to country music, she would undoubtedly have endorsed the sentiment behind Lucinda Williams’s song “Fancy Funeral” from her 2007 CD, West. Here’s how it goes:

  Some think a fancy funeral Lily of the valley

  Would be worth every cent And long black limousines

  But for every dime and nickel It's three or four months’ salary

  There's money better spent Just to pay for all those things

  Better spent on groceries So don't buy a fancy funeral

  And covering the bills It's not worth it in the end

  Instead of little luxuries Goodbyes can still be beautiful

  And unnecessary frills Without the money that you’ll spend

  Lovely yellow daffodils ’Cause no amount of riches

  And lacy filigree Can bring back what you’ve lost

  Pretty little angels To satisfy your wishes

  For everyone to see You’ll never justify the cost

  Words and Music by LUCINDA WILLIAMS

  ©2007 WARNER-TAMERLANE PUBLISHING CORP. and LUCY JONES MUSIC

  All Rights Administered by WARNER-TAMERLANE PUBLISHING CORP.

  All Rights Reserved. Used by Permission of ALFRED PUBLISHING CO., INC.

  FCA, USA

  Funeral Consumers Alliance is a nationwide federation of nonprofit “information societies” dedicated to “protecting a consumer’s right to a dignified, meaningful affordable funeral.” It is headquartered in Burlington, Vermont, with affiliates in virtually every state of the Union.

  Among other vital service
s performed by this worthy organization, FCA acts as a mortuary watchdog, closely monitoring the funeral industry and exposing its abuses. It also offers a series of how-to pamphlets, containing practical and levelheaded advice on topics ranging from funeral preplanning to grief management to money-saving burial tips.

  A particularly useful publication available from FCA is Before I Go, You Should Know: My Funeral and Final Plans. Adorned with deliciously macabre drawings by Edward Gorey this sixteen-page booklet allows you “to stay in charge of your affairs right up to the end of your life and even a bit beyond” by recording your last wishes: whether or not you want to be buried, cremated, embalmed, viewed, memorialized, et cetera. You can check off the kind of coffin (or urn) you prefer, write down what you do and do not want at your funeral service, and include facts useful for an obituary and death certificate. It also lets your survivors know where to find important papers (e.g., your life insurance policies, bank accounts, etc.) that will facilitate the orderly handling of your estate.

  As a safe but readily accessible place to store it, the folks at FCA recommend the inside of your refrigerator or freezer. To that end, the booklet comes packaged in a heavy plastic envelope with a Gorey-designed refrigerator magnet labeled “Matters of Life and Death Inside.”

  To learn more about this organization, become a member; order Before I Go kits, how-to pamphlets, and other publications; then write to Funeral Consumers Alliance, 33 Patchen Road, South Burlington, VT 05403 or go to www.funerals.org.

  Scams and What

  to Do About Them

  There’s no doubt that only a tiny percentage of funeral directors are outright crooks. Even Jessica Mitford acknowledged that the “vast majority” of undertakers subscribe to a code of ethics. The problem, as she saw it, is that the code itself is inherently self-serving: designed for the benefit of the businessmen, not the consumers. While undertakers like to think of themselves as high-minded professionals, most of them (according to Mitford) are really “merchants of a rather grubby order, preying on the grief, remorse, and guilt of survivors.”

  Through decades of trial and error, the American death care industry has perfected ingenious ways of pressuring people into spending outrageous sums on extravagant funerals. Professional service manuals, for example, teach something called the “keystone approach” to coffin sales—a method of arranging casket showrooms that, through subtle psychological manipulation, discourages consumers from buying the cheapest models. There’s nothing really deceptive about such a technique. It’s just good old-fashioned (albeit slightly sleazy) salesmanship. If you want to learn more about this and other tactics used by undertakers to squeeze every last penny from grieving survivors, you can’t do better than Mitford’s classic The American Way of Death, Lisa Carlson’s Caring for the Dead, or Profits of Death by former funeral industry insider Darryl J. Roberts.

  Beyond everyday ploys such as the “keystone approach,” there are a number of flat-out frauds that consumers occasionally encounter. Here are a few to watch out for:

  The old bait-and-switch. Unscrupulous undertakers have been known to charge a premium for a deluxe casket or urn, then deliver a much cheaper item, claiming that the original model is no longer available but that the substitute is of equivalent value.

  Sham “discounts.” To entice people into buying a coffin directly from their funeral home (instead of purchasing one at a lower cost from an outside source), some shady undertakers will offer a supposed “package deal” with a reduced-price coffin. Instead of the list price of, say $4,000, the consumer will only have to pay $2,500 for the very same model. It seems like a bargain. What the consumer doesn’t know, however, is that the undertaker has tacked an additional $1,500 service fee onto the bill to make up the difference.

  Misrepresentation. In violation of the Federal Trade Commission’s Funeral Rule, some undertakers will mislead consumers into making unnecessary purchases—by telling them, for example, that embalming is required, or that they must buy an expensive coffin for a cremation, or that a high-priced reinforced-concrete grave liner is mandatory at a particular cemetery, or that a deluxe “protective” casket will preserve a body indefinitely.

  Pre-need shenanigans. People who enter into pre-need arrangements—paying in advance for their own funerals—naturally assume that they are covering all expenses so that their families won’t have to worry when the time comes. It’s a shock, then, when—as sometimes happens—survivors are told that there is an extra charge for certain basic services (such as opening and closing the grave) or that the coffin that comes with the contract is a cut-rate “nonprotective” model and if they want one with a “protective” sealer, they’ll have to upgrade at a cost of an additional $600.

  If you encounter these or any other rip-offs, the Funeral Consumers Alliance recommends that you take certain steps. First, try to resolve matters directly with the funeral home. If that doesn’t work, you might have to file an official complaint. According to the FCA pamphlet How to File a Funeral or Cemetery Complaint (available upon request from Funeral Consumers Alliance, 33 Patchen Road, South Burlington, VT 05403, 800-765-0107):

  All states, except Colorado and Hawaii, have a funeral board or agency that regulates funeral directors. About half the states have some sort of cemetery regulation. Your complaint should be addressed to the regulatory board when there is one. In addition, if there’s a possibility of criminal action, it would be a good idea to file a complaint with the state’s Attorney General’s Department of Consumer Affairs. These addresses can be found on the state government’s website. Or call the FCA office if you don’t have Internet access.

  Note: The most despicable of all predators who batten on the bereaved aren’t undertakers but those con men who target elderly survivors, generally widows. These vultures will study the local obituaries, then swoop down on a victim, claiming that they are owed money for some expense incurred by the deceased: a debt, an insurance premium, or a high-priced sales item (like a deluxe Bible) that has been ordered but unpaid for. Do not fall for these scams!

  Funerals for the

  YouTube Age

  Back in the preautomotive days, when vehicles ran on literal horsepower, people might need several days to make it to a funeral, particularly if they lived in rural areas. (Embalming became a big business in the late 1800s partly because it allowed corpses to stay relatively fresh while faraway family members made their long-distance journeys.) The advent of modern means of locomotion—first trains, then cars and airplanes—obviously reduced travel time significantly. Even today, however, there are occasions when it’s impossible to reach a funeral on time, if at all.

  Thanks to the Internet revolution, a solution is now at hand. An outfit called Online Funeral offers a way for mourners to pay their last respects without ever budging from their desktop PCs. Touted on the company’s website as “the most advanced and comprehensive system for funeral homes,” this service offers such features as real-time live Internet viewing of the visitation, an online video of the funeral service (which can be transferred to a CD and sold to survivors, thus providing a “valuable new revenue stream” for the funeral director), an online condolence message center, and more. Funeral home operators can even have additional hidden cameras installed in other parts of their establishment to monitor the staff and make sure that no hanky-panky is going on.

  For more information on this product—which, according to the company’s PR material, is guaranteed to give grieving families “the confidence that the funeral home they have selected is state-of-the-art”—go to www.online-funeral.com.

  Bereavement Fares

  Since airlines charge a premium for last-minute reservations, smart travelers try to book their seats way in advance. At times, however, such foresight just isn’t possible—for example, when you get a long-distance call that a family member has died suddenly and you have to fly to the funeral on short notice.

  To prove that they are not soulless entities that care on
ly about the bottom line, airlines have traditionally offered special “bereavement fares” to people who find themselves in this trying situation. In theory, this is a decent and humane gesture. In practice, however (since airline companies pretty much are soulless entities that care only about the bottom line), it usually turns out to be less generous than it seems.

  The problem with most bereavement (aka “compassion”) discounts is that they apply only to the airline’s highest-priced, non-advance-purchase, unrestricted fare. So while you might save as much as 50 percent on a one-way ticket, you can still end up spending a bundle—much more, in fact, than you’d spend by booking a regular flight.