All In

by Amy DeMeritt

Erin looks down as she cries and holds on tightly to Ashton’s shirt in both of her hands. “I want this to work. I know tons of firefighters live long lives and get to retire and grow old. I know you could too. But what if you don’t?”

  “Then you’ll move on. You’ll grieve for a period of time, then you’ll find someone new, someone better.”

  “No one will be better.”

  “You don’t know that. You haven’t met every lesbian in the world, or even in our state. There’s a lot of lady fish out there just waiting to jump in your net.”

  “That sounded so pornographic.” She leans into Ashton, laying her head on her chest and wraps her arms around Ashton’s waist. “What’s happening to us?”

  “I think you’re breaking up with me. Again.”

  “But, Ash, what if this is the biggest mistake of my life? I’m afraid to lose you, but every time you almost die, I just want to be with you, to hold you and love on you. Isn’t that how it’s supposed to be? Isn’t that what’s supposed to keep us together?”

  “Babe, I’m already convinced I want to have a future with you. You’re the one who still needs convincing there could be a future with me. And I’m not the one who can convince you – you have to decide that.”

  “If we break up, are you going to hook up with Skylar?”

  Ashton pushes her off and takes a few steps away. “You have got to be fucking kidding me. God, Erin, just punch me in the face already – it will hurt less than this fucking circle you keep twisting my heart around. I’m fucking telling you I want to marry you and have kids together and you’re planning who my next girlfriend or fuck-buddy is going to be. What the hell do you want from me?”

  “I want you!”

  “You have me! You fucking have me – all of me! What more do I have to do to prove it? Do I have to take you down to city hall and get married right now? Fuck. This is just…”

  She growls as she spins and throws her hands out to the sides as she storms into the kitchen. She pulls a bottle of whiskey out of the cabinet, and as she’s taking a large swig straight from the bottle, Erin walks into the kitchen.

  “We’re supposed to leave on vacation tomorrow night. Did you forget?”

  Looking down at the floor, Erin quietly says, “Yes.” Ashton scoffs in disbelief as she shakes her head and takes another swig. “Where are we going?”

  “We’re not going anywhere now, but I was going to take you to Hawaii.”

  “You booked us a vacation to Hawaii?”

  “I did. But what’s the point now? I already know I have no future with you. I’m certainly not feeling very romantic now even if you don’t end this right now.”

  “I don’t want to end this.”

  “You keep saying you don’t want to, but you haven’t once said you’re not ending this. So, is it over or not?”

  Erin takes the bottle of whiskey from Ashton and takes a few throat burning gulps as she leans against the counter next to her. She passes the bottle back to Ashton and stares down at the floor. Silence fills the air so acutely that it feels like actual pressure on Ashton’s ears, making her feel like someone is stuffing balls of cotton into them, filling her entire skull and burying her brain. Her head feels thick and hazy. Her chest aches with each painfully silent second that passes.

  “I don’t want to live in constant fear of losing the love of my life. And if we have children, they would lose a mother.”

  “Everyone can die at any moment of any day. Car accidents, armed robberies, the freaking flu, choking on food, slipping in the shower and hitting your head – there are countless ways we could die any day of the week. You have no guarantee of growing old with the love of your life, no matter what their job is.”

  “I know. But the risk is so much greater with you.”

  “Okay.”

  “So, it’s over?”

  Ashton exhales hard. “Erin, I’m not breaking up with you. This is your call. Always has been.”

  “I was doing so good. I wasn’t as scared anymore. Then, today – I thought something happened to you, then I found you with Skylar laying on you. It just brought all of my fears back again. I hate feeling so paranoid.” She takes the bottle of whiskey back and lifts it to her lips but exhales hard and sets it on the counter without drinking. “Three years – we’ve been trying to make this work for three years. God, I hate myself sometimes. Why haven’t I been able to get over this yet? I wish someone could go into my brain and delete or lessen these damn fears I have.”

  “Let me ask you something. If you meet someone new that you’re crazy about and they hate that you’re a volunteer firefighter, will you quit?”

  “I don’t know. I rarely go into a fire. I’m usually on hose duty. That’s not as dangerous as what you do. I really don’t know what I would do, but I don’t like being given ultimatums, so I probably wouldn’t quit. I don’t want you to quit doing what you love, Ash. This fear is my problem, not yours. I just don’t know how to overcome it. And it’s not fair to you to keep jerking your heart around like this. I know you’re perfect for me, but I don’t think I’m right for you.”

  “You’re seriously giving me the ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ excuse for breaking up again? That’s pretty fucking lame, Erin. It’s okay to say it – my career is the problem. Say it.”

  “Your career is the problem.” She releases a sob as she puts her face in her hands. Ashton pulls her into her arms and kisses the top of her head. “Ash, I love you. I’m so sorry I’m hurting you again.”

  “I know.” Ashton closes her eyes and holds her breath in an attempt to keep from breaking down. She kisses the top of Erin’s head again then grabs her shoulders and pushes her back a few inches. “No hard feelings, okay?”

  “I hate this, Ash. We have been so happy and perfect together.”

  “Erin,” she exhales hard, “you are killing me here. Just break my heart and get it over with, please. This slow sawing cut thing you’re doing is excruciating.”

  “I know, I’m sorry. Ash, I love you. Thank you for giving me another chance. I’m sorry I couldn’t get on the same page with you.”

  She darts forward to kiss Ashton’s lips, then rushes out of the kitchen and to the front door. The door closes behind her before Ashton can even catch a glimpse of her back. Ashton falls to her knees then to her ass and sits against the wall. As she’s wrapping her arms around her knees and starts crying into them, Gloria sits down next to her and pulls her over to lay on her chest.

  “I’ve got you, baby. I’ve got you.” She kisses the top of her head and rocks her side to side. “I’m so sorry, Ash. I really was rooting for you to get your full package this time.”

  Chapter Eighteen

  Ashton walks into Captain Hunt’s office and sets a piece of paper down in front of him over top of a report he was reading. “Doctor cleared me. I’m back.”

  “You’re supposed to be off for two weeks. It’s been less than one.” He lifts the doctor’s note to read it. “Your ribs haven’t fully healed. You still in any pain?”

  “No. Here.” She puts her plane tickets and hotel reservation information down on the desk. “It’s non-refundable. Go home early and pack.”

  “What is this?” He opens the folder and his eyes get big. “This is a trip to Hawaii.” He looks up with concern creasing the corners of his eyes. “What happened with DeLuna?”

  “I don’t need it anymore. Can you use it or should I pass it to someone else?”

  “Hyland, if you’re going through something…”

  “We’re not doing this. I’m cleared for work and I’m going to work. I’ve been going insane sitting at home even before this. With all due respect, Sir, please drop it.”

  “Understood. I’ll call Kim and see if we can accept the trip on such short notice. I’m sure she’ll be thrilled. I can pay you back for…”

  “Not necessary. Do me the favor of telling Decker he’s off of my shift.”

  “Done. Welcome back, Lieutenant.” />
  “Thank you, Sir.”

  She leaves his office and strides down the hall to her own office. As she opens the door and sees her desk, she’s flooded with a mixture of relief, pain, longing, and frustration. It was only a few weeks ago she made love to Erin on that desk. She closes the door and takes a seat on the couch, just staring at the desk and the memory.

  As she’s about to stand up and log into the database to check her email and the report log to see what she missed, her cellphone vibrates in her pocket.

  Skylar: Hey. I still owe you a beer since you didn’t actually allow me to buy you one when you came to see me perform at Hendrick’s. I’ll be performing with the guys tonight at The Cricket at 8pm. Maybe you could come and I could buy you that beer?

  Ashton stares at the message for several minutes, reading it over and over again, trying to decide what she should do. She releases a sharp breath and backs out of her thread and opens Gloria’s thread.

  Ashton: Hey, did you tell Skylar about Erin?

  She taps her thumb on her knee as she waits for the response, which comes in two minutes later.

  Gloria: No, of course not, honey. That’s your business. How are you doing? What are you doing today?

  Ashton: I’m back at work. Doctor made me do a range of motion and strength test and I passed, so he signed off on it.

  Gloria: Are you sure you’re ready for that?

  Ashton: I can’t sit at home anymore, especially now. I need to be active. Besides, the job is what cost me the woman I love, so it only makes sense that this is where I should be. Anyway, I don’t want to talk about it. Skylar is performing tonight and asked me to go. I don’t know if I should.

  Gloria: Why? What are you afraid of happening?

  Ashton: What if I tell her about Erin dumping me and she makes a move? Erin was so hell bent that Skylar wants me.

  Gloria: I’m sure she does, but she doesn’t seem like the type to swoop in on a person when they’re heart is bleeding out. You should go and you should tell her.

  Ashton: You want to come?

  Gloria: I would love to honey, but I think you need a one on one with a friend right now.

  Ashton: But you’re my best friend.

  Gloria: And I’ll be waiting at home for you if you want me to be. If you don’t want to go, or if you really want me to come with you, I’m there for you – whatever you need.

  Ashton: I’ll try to go alone, but it would be nice to hold you in bed again tonight.

  Gloria: I’ll be there, honey.

  Ashton: I love you. I hope you’re having a good day.

  Gloria: I love you too. Please be careful today.

  Ashton pulls up her thread with Skylar to respond.

  Ashton: I’ll be there – on time.

  Skylar: Awesome! Any special song requests? If it’s something we’ve played before, I should be able to work it into the set.

  Ashton: I want you to sing whatever makes you happy.

  Skylar: Aw, come on, you have to give me a song. We’re playing mostly nineties and current rock and alternative tonight, if that helps.

  Ashton: I’m not trying to be difficult, but I can’t think of anything right now.

  Skylar: Okay, no problem. If you do think of something, let me know. How’s your day going?

  Ashton: Just got to work. Got the doc to clear me.

  Skylar: Oh, my god. Please be careful.

  Ashton smiles as the alarm goes off for an active fire.

  Ashton: I will. Bell is going off. I have to run. Have a nice day.

  Skylar: Thanks. Please let me know when you’re safe.

  Ashton: Okay, I will.

  As she enters the garage and starts giving orders, her crew freezes on the spot in shock and happiness to see her.

  “Lieutenant, you’re back!”

  “Yes, I’m back, now move it.”

  After they’re dressed and rolling out of the firehouse, Perez nudges her arm, and whispers, “You hated Decker covering your shift that much you just had to come back before you’re healed?”

  “I was never going to make it two weeks and you know it. Decker has nothing to do with it.”

  “You alright?”

  She looks at him confused, but the knowing look of concern causes her to quickly look away again, and she just flatly says, “Fine.”

  She’s been working side by side with Juan Perez long enough for him to have picked up on the telltales of the type of mood she’s in. He knows something is bothering her, but he also knows she’s not one to appreciate someone asking more than once. He just gives her forearm a brief squeeze to let her know he’s here for her, then faces forward for the rest of the ride.

  As soon as they’re on the scene of the house fire – a very bad house fire, she jogs over to the police officer in charge.

  “About time. There are kids in there.” He motions to a young girl, who looks to be no more than thirteen years old, to come over. “She says there are six kids left inside. A couple of the kids were playing with some left-over fireworks in the house, and when they exploded, everyone scattered in different directions. She doesn’t know where they all went. She ran outside, but when no one followed, she tried to get back in, but the fire was too bad by then.”

  Ashton bends down to the hysterically crying young girl, and assures her, “My name is Lieutenant Ashton Hyland, and I promise you, we’re going to do everything possible to get everyone out of there.”

  The girl nods as she leaps forward and gives Ashton a hug. She pats the girls back and gently eases her off of her. “I’m going to get to work now. Think brave positive thoughts for us, okay? Can you do that for me?”

  “Yes. Thank you.”

  She squeezes her shoulder then nods to the police officer. As soon as she turns, she starts screaming orders to be heard above the sirens and chatter of hovering neighbors on the other side of the police tape. As she’s grabbing her axe and a fire extinguisher, she pages dispatch.

  “This is Lieutenant Hyland. 3765 Maple Street is a three-alarm – we need more rigs here ASAP. There are 6 children trapped inside. The fire has consumed the bottom and second level and the third is billowing with smoke. The fire was started by a firework and it is unknown if any remain undetonated.”

  “The alarm has been called. Good luck, Lieutenant.”

  “Thanks, Marge.”

  “Welcome back.”

  Ashton smiles at the affectionate tone in the aged scratchy voice of the firehouse’s dispatcher. She lied to Captain Hunt – she does still have some pain, but it feels damn good to be back to work. And a three-alarm fire with six children’s lives in her hands is exactly the distraction she needs from her breakup with Erin and the reminder she needs as to why this is something she must do. She loves Erin, but she could never willingly retire early – saving people is just too damn important to Ashton to give up just because of a “what-if.”

  With hoses shooting water through the first and second level and the ladders being raised to two windows on the third level, Ashton leads Fields and Perez inside. They break through the steel front door and immediately aim their extinguishers at the wall of fire that leaps towards them.

  “Move in.”

  While blasting her extinguisher at the long area rug lining the entry way, Ashton tentatively walks in first, looking side to side to assess how quickly everything is burning and looks up to watch for falling debris. She only gets six paces and the wooden floor groans in protest.

  Ashton curses under her breath, then says to Fields and Perez, “Three stories weren’t enough, they also needed a basement. Watch your step, guys. Fan out a bit to distribute our weight.”

  They move forward with a few paces between each other, a move Ashton hates to have to make because the distance could be the difference between saving each other if the situation goes south, but she knows it’s their best chance at the floor not caving in.

  After extinguishing the fire around a closet, she opens the door and finds an uncon
scious girl, no more than five years old, laying in the bottom of the closet. She sets her extinguisher down and carefully lifts the girl into her arms.

  “Move to the next room. Watch each other’s backs. I’ll be right back.”

  She rushes to the door with the girl and two EMTs immediately run up the walkway with a gurney. As soon as she sets the girl down, Ashton rushes back inside. She grabs her extinguisher, and as she’s entering the smoke and flame filled living room, Fields comes rushing out with a badly burned young boy.

  “He’s alive but unconscious. Perez is in the dining room.”

  Every step they take is met with an audible reaction from the burning house, as if it’s screaming at them for increasing its agony by stressing its burning limbs and joints. Even in the kitchen, where the fire isn’t as bad, the floor lets it be known that it’s too weak to hold them for much longer. Ashton and Perez make quick work of checking the dining room and kitchen, opening every closet and cabinet, which are frustratingly empty. None of the unaccounted children are in these rooms.

  She opens the basement door and screams down, “Hello! Is anyone down here? This is the fire department!”

  She doesn’t receive an answer from below, but she hears a scream for help from above.

  “Lieutenant! We have backup.”

  Ashton walks out to the burning kitchen doorway to see Fields walking through the foyer with three more firefighters.

  “Great. You three finish checking the rooms down here and the basement. Fields and Perez, we’re going upstairs.”

  She tells the three which rooms have been cleared, then they split. As they’re carefully walking up the burning staircase, she pushes the button on her radio to address her crew, saying, “This is Lieutenant Hyland, I need a ladder on the second floor. This staircase isn’t going to hold for a descent. As soon as we can reach a window, you be ready to meet us there.”

  “Got it, Lieutenant.”

  As they hit the landing, Ashton screams out, “Hello! Is anyone up here?”