Saint Jack

by Paul Theroux

  “Very amusing,” he said, when I finished, his understatement contradicting the honking laughter he couldn’t suppress. “Have a drink?”

  “Thank you.”

  “Actually, I’m hungry,” he said. “No time for breakfast this morning. Ruins the day, don’t you find?”

  “Absolutely,” I said. “That’s what I try to tell these skippers I deal with. Give a seaman a slap-up breakfast and he’ll do a fair day’s work. Cut down on his lunch, but don’t ever tamper with that breakfast of his!”

  “My idea of a really topnotch breakfast is kippers, porridge oats, eggs, and a pot of tea—hot and strong.” He smacked his lips.

  “You’re forgetting your fruit juice—juices are very important. And choice of cereals, some bubble and squeak, huge rashers of bacon, or maybe a beefsteak and chips, stack of toast, hot crumpets, marmalade. Boy!” The feller was nodding in agreement and swallowing. “It’s a funny thing, you know,” I went on. “These ship chandlers don’t supply fresh juice—oh, no! Course the fresh is cheaper and the fruit grows locally. They give you this tinned stuff.”

  “You can taste the metal.”

  “Sure you can!”

  “Potatoes make a nice breakfast,” he said, still swallowing.

  “Hashbrowns—fry ’em up crisp and hot and serve them with gouts of H. P. Sauce.”

  “I’m famished,” he said, and looked at his watch.

  “Me too,” I said. “I wouldn’t mind a big English breakfast right this minute. I envy the seamen on some of the ships I supply.”

  “All the same,” he said, “it sounds an expensive meal.”

  “Not on your nelly,” I said, and quoted some prices, adding, “I buy in bulk, see, so I can pass the savings on to the customer. I still make a profit—everyone gains.”

  “It sounds frightfully reasonable.”

  “And that’s not all—”

  Our drinks arrived, and the ladies resumed their bowling. The feller said, “I’m just the teeniest bit browned-off with my own chandler. What did you say was the name of your firm?”

  I explained Hing’s name on my card by saying he was a partner who came in handy when we were dealing with Chinese accounts—I’d known him for years. “Like I say, we’re an unusual firm.” I winked. “Think about it. We’ll see your men get a good breakfast. Oh, and if there’s anything else you require—anything at all—just give me a tinkle and I’ll see what I can scare up. Cheers.”

  He rang the next day. He offered me a chandling contract for three freighters, a couple of tankers, and two steamships of modest tonnage that did the Singapore-North Borneo run. At the end of the conversation he hesitated briefly and murmured, “Yesterday, um, you said anything, didn’t you?”

  “You bet your boots I did.”

  “Um, I was wondering if you could help me out with something that’s just cropped up this morning. One of our freighters is in from Madras. Crew’s feeling a bit Bolshie about going off tomorrow to the Indonesian ports. We’d like to cheer them up a bit, um, give them a bit of fun without letting them ashore. Are you in the picture?”

  “Leave it to me,” I said. “How many guys are you trying to . . . amuse?”

  “Well, it’s the Richard Everett. She’s got, say, twenty-three able seamen, and—”

  “You’ve come to the right man,” I said. “How about a coffee? I’ll explain then.”

  “Lunch,” he insisted, pleased. “At the club. And thanks, thanks awfully.”

  4

  AT THAT PERIOD in my life, my first years in Singapore, I enjoyed a rare kind of happiness, like the accidental discovery of renewal, singing in my heart and feet, that comes with infatuation. It was true power: mercy and boldness. I felt brave. I didn’t belittle it or try to justify it, and I never wondered about its queer origin. I was converted to buoyancy, and rising understood survival: the surprise of the marooned man who has built his first fire. I had turned forty without pain, and until Desmond Frogget came I was the youngest drinker in the Bandung.

  The Bandung was a lively place: freshly painted, always full, with free meat pies on Saturdays and curry tiffin on Sundays, and a Ping-Pong table which we hauled out to work up a thirst. A stubby feller named Ogham used to play the piano in the lounge, jazzy tunes until midnight and finishing up with vulgar and patriotic songs. I can see it now on a Saturday night, the room lit by paper lanterns rocked by the fans, Wally in a short white jacket and black tie shaking a gin sling, the main bar heaving with drinkers, all of them regulars, and me in my white cotton suit and white shoes, wearing the flowered open-neck shirt that was my trademark, and Ogham in the lounge playing “Twelfth Street Rag.” Some feller would lean over and say to me, “Oggie could have been a professional, you know, but like he says, that’s no life for a man with a family.”

  Ogham pounded the piano at the Bandung and never introduced us to his family, and after he left Singapore there were various explanations of where he had gone. Some said to a London bank, but Yardley sneered, “He was a lush. He got the sack and three months’ gadji and now he’s in Surrey, mending bicycles.” For Yardley no fate was worse. With Ogham gone I hacked around sometimes with the Warsaw Concerto, hitting a sour note at the end of an expertly played passage to be funny, but some fellers said I was being disrespectful to Ogham and I had to stop. Later, an old-timer wandering back through the lounge from the toilet in the kitchen would glance at the piano and say, “Remember Oggie? I wonder what happened to him. Christ, he could have turned professional.”

  “Oggie didn’t know whether his arsehole was bored or punched,” Yardley would reply, believing Ogham to be a deserter. “He got the sack and three months’ gadji and now he’s in—”

  The day Ogham left he got very nostalgic about a particular towpath he had played on as a child; he bought us all a drink and reminisced. I had never seen him so happy. We listened at the bar as he took a box of matches and said, “The gasworks was over here,” and put a match down, “and the canal ran along what we used to call the cut—here. And—” The scene was repeated with the others, the memory of a picnic or tram ride re-enacted at the bar before their ships sailed.

  Many of the regulars at the Bandung started to leave. It was getting near to Independence, and over a drink, when a feller said he was going home you knew he meant England and not his house in Bukit Timah. So the Bandung emptied. On a side road at the city limit, it was too far off the beaten track for the average tourist to find it, and what tourists there were in those days came by ship. I spent most of my free time hustling in bars in the harbor area, places a tourist with a few hours ashore might wander into, or in the cut-price curio shops in Raffles Place. I had earned enough money in my first year to be considered a big spender in the Bandung, and to rent a large yellow house on River Valley Road, with three bedrooms and a verandah supported by solid white pillars, shaded by chicks the size of sails on a Chinese junk. As a bachelor I lived in one room and allowed the other rooms to fall into disuse. I had two gray parrots who pecked the spines off all my books, a dozen cats, and an old underemployed amah who played noisy games of mahjong with her friends in the kitchen, often waking me at three in the morning as they shuffled the mahjong tiles, a process they called “washing the tiles.” The amah had made the bed and fixed breakfast enough times to know that I was not practicing celibacy, and she was continually saying that as a “black and white” she was trained to care for children, a hint that I should get married. She sized up the girls I took home and always said, “Too skinny! You not like hayvie! Yek-yek!”

  I believed that I would marry a tall young Chinese girl, with a boy’s hips and long crow-black hair and a shining face; and I’d take her away, the hopeful mutual rescue that was the aim of every white bachelor then in the East. I did not give up the idea until later, when I saw one of these marriages, the radiant Chinese girl, shyly secretive, easily embarrassed, transformed into a crass suburban wife, nagging through her nose about prices in a monotonous voice, with thick unad
venturous thighs, a complaining face, and at her most boring and suburban, saying to exhausted listeners in perfect English, “Well, we Chinese—” I had the idea of marriage; as long as I postponed the action, romance was possible for me, and I was happy. Any day, I expected to get the letter beginning, “Dear Mr. Flowers, It gives me great pleasure to be writing to you today, and I know my news will please you—” Or perhaps the other one, starting, “My darling—”

  My brief, unrewarding enterprises, evenings calling out “Hey bud” to startled residents walking their dogs, afternoons sailing two fruit flies dressed as scrubwomen (greasy overalls covering silk cheongsams) to rusty freighters—these were over. The Richard Everett episode and the notoriety that followed it singled me out. Fellers rang me up at all hours of the night, asking me to get them a girl, and one of my replies—delivered at four in the morning to an importuning caller who said he hoped he hadn’t got me out of bed—became famous: “No,” I had said, “I was up combing my hair.” In the harbor bars I was “Jack” to everyone, and I knew every confiding barman by name. What pleasure it gave me, knocking off early at Hing’s, to go home and put on my white shoes and a clean flowered shirt and then to make my rounds in a trishaw, a freshly lit cheroot in my teeth, dropping in on the girls, in bars or massage parlors, to see how many I could count on for the evening. The wiry trishaw driver pumped away; I sat comfortably in the seat with my feet up as we wound through the traffic. The sun at five o’clock was dazzling, but the bars I entered were dark and cool as caves. I would stick my head in and say in a jaunty greeting to the darkness, “Hi girls!”

  “Jaaaack!” They would materialize out of booths, hobble over to me on high heels, and favoring their clawlike fingernails, hug my big belly and give me genial tickling pinches in the crotch. “Come, Jack, I give you good time.” “Me, Jack, you like?” “Touch me, baby.”

  “You’re all flawless,” I’d say, and play a hand of cards, buy them all a drink, and move on to a new bar. Many of the girls were independent, not paying any secret society protection money. I called them “floaters” because when they weren’t floating around looking for a pickup I was literally floating them by the dozen out to ships in the harbor. A great number of them who hung around the bars on Anson Road—The Gold Anchor, Big South Sea, Captain’s Table, Champagne Club, Chang’s—came to depend on me for customers. They were using me in the same way as Hing, to get Europeans, who didn’t haggle and who would pay a few dollars more. The Chinese were after the ang moh trade, and it seemed as if I was the only supplier. I could get white tourists and sailors for the girls as easily as I got the club members who were in the shipping business for Hing. The floaters along Anson Road and the Hing brothers were not the only ones who depended on me; the British servicemen at Changi, the sailors from H.M.S. Terror, the club members and tourists depended on me as well: the Chinese who sought the ang mohs were in turn being sought by the ang mohs, and both, ignorant of the others’ hunting, came to me for introductions—finding me they found each other.

  But the girls in the wharf-area bars forfeited all their Chinese trade when they were seen holding hands with a paleface. After that, they were tainted, and no Chinese would touch them or notice them except to bark a singular Cantonese or Hokkien obscenity, usually an exaggeration of my virility (“So the redhead’s got a big doo-dah!”), meant as a slur on the girls for being lustful, and on me for a deformity not in the least resembling the little dark bathplug most Chinese consider the size of the normal male organ.

  I was resented by most of the Chinese men in the bars; they accused me, in the oblique way Hing had, of spoiling the girls. The occupation of a prostitute they saw as a customary traditional role, an essential skill. But pairing up with red-haired devils made the girls vicious—it was an abnormality, something perverse, and the Chinese men considered these girls of mine as little better than the demon-women in folk stories who coupled with dogs and bore hairy babies. And that was not all. The men also had that little-country grievance, a point of view Yardley and the old-timers shared, about rich foreigners butting in and sending the prices up. Neither accusation was justified: the girls (who nearly always hated the men they slept with) were improved by their contact with Europeans, quiet undemanding men, unlike their sadistic woman-hating counterparts in the States. The men were instructive, curious, and kind, and wanted little more than to sail home and boast that they had spent the night with a Chinese whore in Singapore. And as for the prices going up—after a decade of inflation, when the price of a haircut doubled, cigarettes increased five times, and some house rents—my own, for example—went up by 200 per cent, the price of a short time with massage stayed the same, and an all-nighter cost only an extra three-fifty. Until Japanese cameras flooded the market, a night in bed with one of my girls was the only bargain a feller could find in Singapore.

  The Chinese men would not listen to reason. “Boochakong just now cost twenty-over dollar-lah” they complained. I felt loathed and large. Some simply didn’t like my face or the fact that I was so pally with Chinese girls. I have already mentioned the secret-society member, the Three Dot in the Tai-Hwa who asked me threateningly, “Where you does wuck?” Another brute, late one night, took a swing at me in the parking lot of the Prince’s Hotel. He came at me from behind as I was unlocking my car—Providence made him stumble; and later the Prince’s manager, who to a Chinese eye might have looked like me—they can’t tell ang mohs apart, they say, and don’t find it funny—was found in a back alley with his throat cut and his flowered shirt smeared with blood. Karim, the barman, said his eyes had been ritually gouged. I had to choose my bars carefully, and I made sure my trishaw driver was a big feller.

  Still, I was making money, and it delighted me on sunny afternoons to have a cold shower, then make my rounds in a well-upholstered trishaw, chirping into dark interiors, “Hi girls!” and to say to a stranger in a confident whisper, “If there’s anything you want—anything at all—” and be perfectly certain I could supply whatever he named.

  Being American was part of my uniqueness. There were few Americans in Singapore, and though it was the last thing I wanted to be—after all, I had left the place for a good reason—the glad-hander, the ham with the loud jokes and big feet and flashy shirts, saying “It figures” and “Come off it” and “Who’s your friend?” and “This I gotta see,” it was the only role open to me because it was the only one the people I dealt with accepted. It alerted them when I behaved untypically; it looked as though I was concealing something and intended to defraud them by playing down the Yankee. In such a small place, an island with no natives, everyone a visitor, the foreigner made himself a resident by emphasizing his foreignness. Yardley, who was from Leeds, but had been in Singapore since the war—he married one of these sleek Chinese girls who turned into a suburban dragon named Mildred—had softened his Leeds accent by listening to the BBC Overseas Service. He put burnt matches back into the box (muttering, “These are threppence in U.K.”) and cigarette ash in his trouser cuffs and poured milk in his cup before the tea. The one time I made a reference to the photograph in the Bandung of the Queen and Duke (“Liz and Phil, I know them well—nice to see them around, broo-rehah!”), Yardley called Eisenhower—President at the time—“A bald fucker, a stupid general, and half the time he doesn’t know whether he wants a shit or a haircut.” Consequently, but against my will, I was made an American, or rather “The Yank.” When America was mentioned, fellers said, “Ask Jack.” I exaggerated my accent and dropped my Allegro pretense of being Italian. I tried to give the impression of a cheerful rascal, someone gently ignorant; I claimed I had no education and said, “If you say so” or “That’s really interesting” to anything remotely intelligent.

  It was awfully hard for me to be an American, but the hardest part was playing the dumb cluck for a feller whose intelligence was inferior to mine. The fellers at the Bandung reckoned they had great natural gifts; Yates, in his own phrase “an avaricious reader,” would say,
“I’m reading Conrad” when he was stuck in the first chapter of a book he’d never finish; Yardley pointed to me one night and said, “I wouldn’t touch an American book with a barge pole,” and Smale ended every argument with, “It all comes down to the same thing, then, don’t it?” to which someone would add, “Right. Six of one and half a dozen of the other.” They were always arguing, each argument illustrated by anecdotes from personal experience. That was the problem: they saved up stories to tell people back home; then, realizing with alarm that they probably weren’t going home, wondered who to tell. They told each other. Stories were endlessly repeated, and not even the emphasis or phrases varied. The silent fellers in the Bandung were not listening; they were waiting for a chance to talk.

  I was the only genuine listener—the inexperienced American, there to be instructed. But the funny thing was, I had a college education and almost a degree. It was no help in the Bandung to say a bright truth, for even if someone heard it he was incapable of verifying it. And on the job it created misunderstandings. I recall meeting an Irish seaman on one of my “meat runs,” as my ferrying of girls into the harbor was called. Hearing his brogue I said, “I’m crazy about Joyce,” and he replied, “That skinny one in the yellow dress?”

  I said, “You guessed it!” and he went over and pinched her sorry bottom through a fold in her frock. Later he thanked me for the tip-off. He was right and I was wrong: education is inappropriate to most jobs, and it was practically an impertinence to the enterprises of the feller whom an Indian ship chandler on Market Street described as “having a finger in every tart.”

  It was on the GI Bill; I was thirty-five, a freshman. I always seemed to be the wrong age for whatever I was doing, and because of that, paying dearly for it. But I was not alone. Older students were a common sight in every university in the late forties and fifties, army veterans from the Second World War and then Korea, wearing faded khaki jackets with the chevrons torn off, the stitch marks showing, and shoes with highly polished toes. My inglorious war—a punctured eardrum put me behind a desk in Oklahoma—ended in 1945. I came home expecting a miracle letter (Dear Jack, It’s good to hear you’re home and I have some fabulous news for you . . . ), but nothing happened. I helped my father in the tailor shop, blocking hats and putting tickets on the dry cleaning, and sometimes doing deliveries. My uncle said, “There’s good money in printing,” so I joined a linotype school, which I quit soon after. “They’re crying out for draftsmen” and “A good short-order cook can name his salary” sent me in other directions.