College

by Joshua Piven

• Leather clutch purse (men), large leather shoulder bag (women)

  Do Not Wear:

  • White socks

  • Baseball cap

  • American flag pin

  • Deodorant

  PARAPHERNALIA TO CARRY

  • Translation dictionary

  • Map of foreign country

  • Electrical adapter

  • Adult contemporary CDs

  • Airmail envelopes

  WHERE TO HANG OUT

  • The international dorm

  • Library

  • With other foreign students

  • At foreign films

  WHERE TO SIT IN CLASS

  In the middle, trying (unsuccessfully) to blend in

  BUZZWORDS TO USE

  • Student visa

  • “In your country . . .”

  • “How do you say . . . ?”

  CRITICAL KNOWLEDGE

  • Names of the leaders, major landmarks, and holidays in the country you’re pretending to be from.

  • Key curse words and phrases in “your language.”

  HOW TO AVOID A DISASTER MATTRESS

  Arrive at school early.

  Get to your dorm and your room when nobody else is around.

  Test the mattress.

  • SMELL TEST: Is this an odor you can live with?

  • COIN TEST: Bounce a quarter on the mattress. If it has any bounce at all, you have found an exceptional mattress.

  • JUMP TEST: Leap from floor to bed repeatedly on different areas of the mattress. Will it support your weight, or has the mattress collapsed?

  • SUPINE TEST: Lie down on the mattress. Does it have a smooth surface, or is it lumpy or sunken?

  • DOUBLE SUPINE TEST: Lie down with a friend and ask him to roll over, bounce, and sit up. How does your half of the bed respond?

  • FLIP TEST: Repeat all tests on the other side of the mattress.

  Find a better mattress.

  If the mattresses in your room don’t pass the test, check mattresses in other, empty dorm rooms and the dorm storage area. Take the best one, replacing it with yours.

  Smell. Bounce. Jump. Test.

  Stake your claim.

  Make up the bed you have selected before your roommate arrives. Stack books, clothes, and other personal items on the bed to further mark your territory.

  Be Aware

  • Every few months, flip your mattress over or move it around so that the head becomes the foot of the bed. This will prevent any permanent indentations or lumps from forming in the mattress.

  • Check with the custodial staff before installing your own water bed.

  HOW TO DECORATE YOUR ROOM WHEN YOU’RE BROKE

  MILK CRATE CHAIR

  You will need a square, stackable milk crate; a cloth placemat or your favorite fabric in a similar size; an old magazine; 6 large car-wash sponges; heavy upholstery thread; an upholstery sewing needle; and scissors.

  1 Turn the crate upside down.

  2 Create the base of the cushion.

  Place the magazine on top of the bottom of the crate. Use the scissors to trim the magazine pages so that the magazine rests about ¾ inch from the inside edge of the crate.

  3 Arrange 4 sponges on top of the magazine.

  Lay the sponges next to one another to form the cushion. You may have to use the scissors to trim them to fit squarely to the top of the crate.

  4 Lay the remaining sponges on top of the existing row.

  Create a second layer of cushion by centering 2 sponges on top of the first layer.

  5 Anchor the placemat to the crate.

  Position the placemat on top of the sponges. Using the needle and thread, secure both shorter sides of the placemat to the crate by hooking a single loop stitch through the edge and around a crate grid square.

  6 Push down on the placemat.

  Compress the sponges until the longer sides of the fabric reach the edges of the crate.

  7 Sew the placemat to the crate.

  Secure the placemat with a continuous loop stitch around the perimeter of the crate.

  Milk Crate Chair

  8 Sit.

  You can also use the crate as an ottoman or low stool, or stack it on top of another crate for a desk-height chair.

  Be Aware

  If you’re using your own fabric rather than a place-mat, lay a strip of masking tape ¼ inch from the edges around the perimeter of the fabric to prevent fraying before securing the fabric to the crate.

  T-SHIRT CURTAINS

  To accommodate a window of approximately 4 feet × 4 feet, you will need 13 of your favorite old T-shirts; 1 spool of thread in any color; 1 to 2 spools of iron-on hem tape; 1 spool of picture-hanging wire; 2 medium-weight eyehole screws; 1 manila folder (or similarly stiff paper); a medium-tipped marking pen; a sharp pair of scissors; and a sewing machine.

  1 Make a stencil.

  Cut the manila folder into a rectangle (9 inches × 12 inches) or a square (10 inches × 10 inches) to make a stencil.

  2 Cut the T-shirts into pieces.

  Lay a T-shirt on a flat surface for cutting. Put the stencil on the center of the shirt body. Trace the outline of the stencil with the marker on the T-shirt. Lift the stencil off the shirt. With the scissors, cut through both layers of the T-shirt, following the drawn cut-line. Perform this step on all the shirts.

  T-Shirt Curtains

  Cut. Sew. Hang.

  3 Arrange the pieces to make a curtain.

  On the floor or your bed, arrange the pieces next to one another in a pattern you like. Use as many pieces as you need to create a covering a little bit longer and wider than your window.

  4 Disassemble the curtain.

  Collect your horizontal rows into piles and set them down next to your sewing machine.

  5 Sew the pieces together.

  Place the front faces of two pieces together and sew, using a medium straight stitch ¼ inch from the edge of the mated pieces.

  6 Connect the rows.

  Sew front face to front face. Make sure any design on the T-shirt pieces is right-side up.

  7 Finish the edges.

  Once you have sewn the window covering to the desired size, cut the hem tape to size for the perimeter of the covering. Iron on the hem tape along the sides so the tape wraps around the edge, covering the front and back of the edge.

  8 Prepare the curtain for hanging.

  Facing the front of your window piece, fold back 2 inches of the top edge to form the place to string the picture-hanging wire through. Secure the folded portion by sewing ¼ inch along the edge. Cut the wire 1 foot longer than the width of your window opening. Thread the wire through the pipeline you created.

  9 Hang the curtain.

  With your hand, screw in the eyehole screws at either edge of your window. Hang the window covering by wrapping 6 inches of excess wire through the eyehole hooks.

  Be Aware

  If you do not have a sewing machine, hem tape, or a needle and thread, use a stapler or duct tape to secure the T-shirt pieces together.

  ALTERNATE METHOD:

  If you would rather keep your T-shirts intact, run a curtain rod straight through the armholes of as many T-shirts as it takes to cover the width of the window. Repeat this procedure, adding more rows until the window is covered. Smelly, worn T-shirts can be put on the rods to be aired out, thus saving you from having to wash them.

  T-Shirt Curtain (Alternate Method)

  Run curtain rod through the armholes of T-shirts.

  PICTURE FRAME

  You will need an empty, transparent jewel case from a CD; a photo; and scissors.

  1 Detach the cover of the jewel case at its hinge.

  2 Reattach the cover, wrong-side out.

  This will form a wide V shape that can stand up on a flat surface.

  3 Insert your photo on top of the outer half of the case.

  Use the scissors to trim the photo to fit. Add colored paper behind the photo for a mo
re sophisticated look.

  4 Display.

  CHAPTER 2

  ROOM AND BOARD

  HOW TO SURVIVE IN A SMALL ROOM

  Hang mirrors.

  Affix a large mirror to one wall, flush with a corner. Mirrors create the illusion of space: The bigger the mirror, the longer the appearance of the wall and the better the illusion. Place another mirror opposite a window to reflect light.

  Repaint the room.

  Go light, not white. Light colors give the appearance of spaciousness, but most dorm rooms are painted bright white, which is very antiseptic. Paint the walls a warm shade of off-white (cream or vanilla). If you are prohibited from painting in your dorm, tack up cream-colored sheets to cover drab walls.

  Use torchiers rather than overhead fluorescent lighting.

  Torchiers, or standing floor lamps, project light toward the ceiling. The light diffuses and bounces back into the room, giving the feeling of spaciousness. Halogen torchiers are economical but can also increase the risk of fire due to the intense heat of the bulb.

  Furnish sparsely.

  The fewer the belongings, the larger the room appears to be. Decorate with furniture that serves dual purposes, such as a coffee table/storage unit.

  Downsize your furniture.

  Add small rugs and lamps.

  Use desk lamps and small area rugs to fashion several distinct pools of light and space. When the eye sees multiple separate spaces, the brain is fooled into thinking a room is bigger than it is.

  Divide the room.

  Use a folding screen or fabric to divide a room or create privacy. Use double-sided tape or thumbtacks to attach a flowing, semi-opaque fabric to the ceiling to partition a room while still allowing light to filter through.

  Elevate your bed.

  Add valuable storage space by raising your bed off the floor. Use cinder blocks to gain 6 inches of storage room, or build a loft and put your mattress on top of it. Place your desk under the loft to create a cozy workspace.

  Downsize your furniture.

  Buy children’s or other small furniture. This will make the room appear larger. However, you might not be able to sit down.

  Kick out your roommate.

  HOW TO DEAL WITH A NIGHTMARE ROOMMATE

  Cover foul odors.

  Burn incense or spray air freshener to mask your roommate’s scent. To better circulate the incense, place it in front of an open window or oscillating fan.

  Secure your possessions in locked storage containers.

  To discourage theft or misuse of your belongings, lock as much as possible in safes, military-issue foot lockers, trunks, and other lockable storage containers. Long, flat containers can be placed under your bed for further protection.

  Divide the room in half.

  Draw a line down the center of the room to designate your own private space. Remember that you’ll have to share the door.

  Wear noise reduction headphones.

  Don the headphones anytime your roommate is in the room with you.

  Leave a bar of soap on his pillow.

  Put neglected dirty dishes in your roommate’s bed.

  Gather long-unwashed clothes into a pile.

  If the pile of dirty clothes isn’t remedied after a week, transfer the pile to trash bags and seal tightly to eliminate odors. If the bags remain after several weeks, put them in the trash.

  Misalign the satellite dish.

  Disrupt the constant blare of sporting events by redirecting your roommate’s satellite dish.

  Buy your roommate concert tickets.

  If your roommate never leaves the room, buy him a ticket to an all-day concert, a movie, or a sporting event. Do not ask your roommate if he wants to go; just purchase the ticket—the farther away the event, the better.

  Be Aware

  If you notice any of the following in your room, you may have a nightmare roommate:

  • Giant speakers

  • Lack of toiletries

  • Machete

  • More than 15 stuffed animals

  HOW TO DEAL WITH A PROMISCUOUS ROOMMATE

  Prearrange a “keep out” signal.

  Agree that a towel wrapped around the door handle, a hotel-style “Do Not Disturb” sign, or an index card in the doorjamb indicates the room is occupied and being used, and you should stay out for an agreed-upon period of time. Forty-five minutes should be the maximum.

  Dismantle bunk beds and move your bed far away from his.

  You will be less likely to be awakened if your bed frame is not attached to his.

  Pretend that nothing is happening.

  Start a conversation with your roommate as though nothing is going on. Ask questions about how his day has been, what he’s planning on doing tomorrow, or what he had for dinner. Talk to his hook-up. “I don’t believe that we’ve ever met before. What is your name? What’s your major?”

  Play your stereo.

  Blast loud, raucous music from your stereo to break your roommate’s concentration. Avoid sultry songs that will only provide encouragement.

  Watch television.

  Wear headphones plugged into your television to block out noise and distract yourself.

  Foil future hook-ups.

  Be your roommate’s shadow at parties. When it appears that a hook-up may be in the offing, quickly intercede when your roommate is distracted. Mention how great it is that the two have gotten together “in light of his recent condition,” then be evasive. Comments such as “I hope you have a better time than the others” and “I expect I’ll be seeing more of you since I rarely leave the room” will also discourage the hook-up. If all else fails, tell your roommate that you forgot your keys and ask him to walk you home. If he won’t leave with you, ask for his keys. When he returns home, you can choose whether or not to unlock the door.

  Obtain a date of your own.

  HOW TO SILENCE SQUEAKY BEDSPRINGS

  Lubricate.

  When your roommate’s bed is not in use, oil the bedsprings and any joints of the bed frame that are visible.

  Tighten the nuts and bolts.

  Use a wrench to strengthen the bed’s framework.

  Wrap the bed’s joints.

  Wrap cotton strips or thick socks around the bed’s joints to muffle a squeaking sound. Use duct tape to secure the wrapping in place.

  Remove the mattress from the frame.

  Encourage your roommate to sleep with the mattress directly on the floor or set it on a thick piece of plywood resting on cinder blocks.

  Wear earplugs.

  The bed might still squeak, but you won’t notice.

  Make your own bed squeak.

  HOW TO DEAL WITH AN UNEXPECTED VISIT FROM YOUR PARENTS

  1 Stall for time.

  Enlist the help of your roommate or another nearby friend. Ask her to greet your parents and to delay them outside, telling them that you just stepped out of the shower and you need a moment to dry off and dress. This should buy you at least five minutes to get the room ready.

  2 Hide all inappropriate items.

  Search for objects or people that may cause your parents distress or cause them to reconsider their financial contribution to your college tuition. Hiding these items is your first priority; cleaning can come later, if you have time. Locate and conceal the following:

  • beer cans, empty or full

  • liquor bottles

  • cigarettes (including butts, cellophane wrapping, cigars, ashtrays, lighters, and matches)

  • certain magazines, videos, posters, and calendars

  • stolen street signs

  • firecrackers

  • partially clothed members of the opposite sex

  • women’s undergarments (if male)

  • men’s undergarments (if female)

  • completed exams that belong to anyone but you

  • newly acquired expensive electronic equipment

  • travel brochures

  • parking tickets

/>   • all forms of birth control

  3 Air out the room.

  Open the window, no matter what the outside temperature. Douse a sock with cologne, perfume, a styling product, or another heavily scented liquid that will mask the odor of any smoke, mold, or musty laundry in the room. Swing the sock in a circular motion above your head while walking around the room.

  4 Check the time.

  Your parents will grow suspicious if you keep them waiting for too long. Determine whether you have time to continue to clean up your room.

  5 Stow your clothes.

  Gather all of your dirty clothes into the middle of the floor. Shove as many articles as possible into your hamper or laundry bag. Stand on top of the hamper to force the clothes down so that you can add more on top. When you run out of room, put the rest of your clothes under the bed, stack them on the floor of the closet, or use them as makeshift furniture: Sit on the pile to create an indentation. Cover the pile with a sheet, tucking the sides of the sheet under the pile. The laundry now looks like a beanbag chair.

  Gather clothes into a pile. Creat an indentation. Cover the pile.

  6 Make your bed.

  Remove the comforter from the bed. Throw flat items like magazines, books, and papers onto your mattress, taking care not to pile them. Fluff the comforter to increase thickness, then tuck it under the mattress to secure. Arrange pillows on top.

  7 Check the time.

  If you’ve kept your parents waiting for more than five minutes, skip to step 9. Blame any remaining mess on your roommate. If you have time, continue to step 8.

  8 Sweep away clutter.

  Shoes, toiletries, food, mail, dirty plates, pizza boxes, hangers, dead plants, empty soda cans or bottles, and any other unsightly clutter can be jammed under your bed or into the closet on the floor or a high shelf. Carefully close the door. Do not open the closet while your parents are in the room.

  9 Primp.