Songbird Caged

by Lisa Edward

  “I feel like a fourteen-year-old kid again,” he joked.

  “Were you doing that at fourteen?” I asked in disbelief. I still hadn’t even kissed a boy at fourteen.

  He sat down beside me and gently wiped my stomach while I watched.

  “It didn’t feel like that when I was fourteen. That was …” He searched for the words. “… incredible. Mind-blowing. You are so hot, babe,” he said, planting yet another kiss on my lips. “Nothing I’ve ever done has made me feel the way I do when I’m with you.”

  I could hear my phone buzzing from the little purse I’d left on the couch. I dashed over to get it. We hadn’t heard anything from the police, and I was hoping it was them with some news on Patrick’s whereabouts.

  It was a message from Riley. He had been given special privileges to contact me due to Patrick’s attack, and wanted me to Skype him now.

  “Wow, the cum’s not even dry, and you’re calling your fiancé,” Cole said spitefully.

  “Don’t,” I said running my hand through my hair, the sting of his words still smarting. “I have to dial in. He only has a limited time he can log on to speak with me.”

  Cole pulled on some clothes and took up position on the couch, while I sat up in bed with the covers pulled up over my chest. I looked at Cole. He was sitting stock still, hands resting on his knees, eyes blazing.

  “Are you going to tell him?”

  “Tell him what, exactly?”

  “About me? About us?”

  I shook my head, and diverted my eyes. “I can’t. I can’t tell him anything that may upset him while he’s away. If his head’s not in the game, it could cost someone their life.” I looked at him pleadingly. “Try to understand, please.”

  I smoothed down my hair, and took a couple of calming breaths. This was going to be really awkward with Cole sitting there, listening. I knew how Riley felt about Cole, so there was no way I could tell him I was in Paris. I would have to let him believe I was still staying at Cole’s while he was on holiday with his family.

  Riley looked distraught as he sat waiting on the other end for me to call in. I could tell he’d been crying. His face had a light coating of what looked like dust over it, with clean lines showing the tracks of his tears.

  “Hi Irish,” I said, tears instantly starting to fall. No matter how angry I was with him, just the sight of him warmed my heart.

  “Hi Fox.” He was crying too. He wiped his hand over his face, smudging the dirt with his salty tears.

  “I just got your letter.” He held it up so I could see it. “I’m so sorry about Pat. I can’t believe he came after you like that. I’ll kill him if I ever see him again.” He leaned in, trying to look closer at my face. “Are you okay, babe? Have you—recovered okay?”

  I held up my plastered hand. “This is the only thing remaining, all the bruises have gone now. I’m all healed.”

  Riley was shaking his head. “Pat is so much like my dad. They’re both so fucked up.”

  “Good thing you’re like your mum then, isn’t it?”

  He shook his head. “I’m too much like her. I’m too soft. You have to harden up over here or it will kill you.”

  “You look tired, babe.” I could see dark circles under his eyes. He looked thinner in the face.

  He gave me a weak smile.

  “You look good, but just tired. I can’t even imagine what it’s like over there. You look like you need a good holiday.”

  His smile broadened. “Maybe we could go back to Fiji when I come home. We could get married on the beach like we talked about.”

  I swallowed hard. I wasn’t ready to get married as soon as Riley came home. “I’d love to go back for the sun, crystal clear water, all the food …”

  “All the sex,” he chimed in. “Do you remember, every day after lunch—” He gave me his sexy smile I had missed so much. “—I would have dessert.” He bit his bottom lip.

  I squirmed. I knew Cole could hear every exchange, and I could feel his eyes burning into me.

  “I remember,” I said, almost shyly.

  “I miss you. I miss touching you. It’s so hard over here not being able to see you or talk to you. Be with you.”

  “I know, babe. At least I have people here I can lean on.”

  “Have you been leaning on Cole?” he asked pointedly.

  “A little bit,” I lied. He had become my rock.

  “Has he tried anything? You know I don’t trust him. He may have saved you from Pat, but it doesn’t mean he’s not still trying to get into your pants.”

  This was getting awkward, and I was going to burn in hell.

  “You have nothing to worry about. You know we’re just friends. He really has been great, though.”

  Riley stared deep into the camera like he could see into my soul. “Don’t fall for it, babe. You know he’s with a different girl every night. He’d chew you up and spit you out, just like all the others.”

  I looked down at my hands and exhaled. When I raised my head again, I smiled at Riley. I knew he was my main priority right now. If he was distracted because of something I’d said or done, and was injured or killed, I would never be able to live with myself.

  “Like I said, you have nothing to worry about. You’re the only one I want.”

  I closed my eyes. I was going to have some serious grovelling to do to Cole after this phone call, but my main focus now was easing Riley’s mind so he could get on with the job.

  “So what do you do when you miss me?” I asked, trying to change the subject.

  He smiled, and for the first time, his gorgeous sapphire eyes smiled, too. “I have photos on a wall beside my cot. I look at your pictures. I think about a time when we were together, how it felt to kiss you and touch you. How it felt to be inside you, how good you feel. That thing you do with your teeth when you go down on me. How unbelievable you taste when I go down on you. And then I jerk off like crazy.” He chuckled lightly. “I don’t know how much longer I can last over here, babe.”

  I could see out the corner of my eye that Cole had gotten up, and had started pacing the floor.

  “So, do you think about me?” he asked.

  “Of course I do. I think about you every day, and worry about you, if you’re safe, if you’re coping okay.”

  He gave me a half smile. “But do you think of me touching you? Do you fantasise about how it feels when I’m inside you? Do you miss being with me?” He was biting his lip nervously.

  My heart went out to him. He looked so lost, so alone.

  “I think about you all the time, like when we were in Fiji and laying in the hammock together. I think about when we went to the winery for your birthday, and the amazing night we had. I remember everything we’ve done together, and replay it over and over in my mind. You just need to hang on a bit longer, babe, only three and a bit more months until you’re home right? You’re halfway there.”

  “We’re going into the field tomorrow, actually. We’ve spent the last couple of months trying to locate someone. Our intel has pinpointed the target, so once we get there and extract the target our mission here is done. We get to come home. It’s going to be really dangerous, but the end is in sight.”

  “And then you can move to Melbourne? What job will you do?” I was starting to get excited about the prospect of him coming home, which was ridiculous, because it was going to put me in the shit big time.

  “Or you could move to Sydney. Kelli will be moving back with Chook. Chook and I have been talking about maybe having a double wedding as soon as we get home.”

  What?

  He was on a role now. “I know you wouldn’t want to have kids until we’re married, so we could get married, and then start a family. Wouldn’t it be great if we had kids that were close in age to Kelli and Chook’s? They could grow up together.”

  He was beaming at me now. He had it all planned out, and I felt terrible to not share his excitement. I understood why he had been making plans. It was a little
piece of home to cling onto. A sunbeam of hope and happiness in the bleak place he had been living in.

  Cole grabbed his coat, and took one final look at me with eyes that were so disillusioned they broke my heart. Then he left.

  I exhaled slowly. “Babe, you know I love you, but I’m not ready to get married as soon as you get back home. We need to spend some quality time together to get to know each other properly.”

  I could see his face drop.

  “And I’m not ready to have kids yet, either.” I sighed. “Look at me.”

  He raised his eyes, but his face was sorrowful.

  “But I do love you, Riley, always remember that. Whatever happens, wherever we end up living, or whatever we end up doing, we will work through it, and come out the other side.”

  “I love you, Tara. More than anything in this world, I love you.”

  I nodded, and a stray tear tipped over my lashes onto my cheek. “I love you too, and I’m sorry if I made you angry with my letter.”

  He shook his head again. “I’m sorry I made you angry. I trust you, and I trust your judgement with your money, with Cole, everything.”

  He was talking quicker now, and I could tell time was running out. “Hopefully we’ll be home in just over a month,” he said, smiling. “Will you still wait for me?”

  I smiled as reassuringly as I could. “Of course, babe, don’t you worry about me. Just get the job done, and come home in one piece.”

  “I nearly forgot,” he said, smiling. “Happy birthday.”

  We said our final I love you to each other, and then the screen went to black. And I was alone in the apartment.

  I PACED the floor. It was just after midnight, and I had no idea where Cole had gone.

  I had tried his phone as soon as I’d hung up from Riley, wanting him to come back so I could explain why I had said what I’d said. But he had left his phone in the apartment on the kitchen bench, so now I had no way of contacting him.

  Feeling sick to my stomach, I kept replaying in my mind the conversation with Riley, and all the different ways Cole could have interpreted it.

  Surely Cole knew by now that I had feelings for him. Telling Riley he was the only one I wanted was what Riley had needed to hear, but it wasn’t the truth.

  I slumped down on the floor beside my suitcase and leant up against the wall. If I was completely honest with myself, I wanted Riley, but right now I wanted Cole more.

  I had feelings for them both.

  I pulled on my robe, and started packing my suitcase. We were due to leave in the morning, and I needed something to busy myself and take my mind off the mess I had made.

  Seeing Riley and how remorseful and worn out he looked, brought all the old feelings to the surface again, but I still didn’t know long-term if we were a good match. We were so different in so many ways. Our relationship had been sporadic at best; we had never spent more than a couple of weeks together at a time.

  I had told Riley I wasn’t ready to get married or have a baby, and I didn’t want to move to Sydney. But Cole hadn’t heard that part of the conversation. I dropped my head into my hands. Cole had only heard Riley talking about getting married as soon as he came home so we could start a family. No wonder he was upset.

  I went out to the balcony, and looked up and down the street below. There were over a dozen bars within walking distance. Maybe, if he wasn’t back soon, I should get dressed and go for a walk to try to find him? But what if he had a bar he frequented while he was here that was down some laneway? I would never find him.

  I finished packing, zipped up my suitcase, and laid out my clothes for tomorrow on top. I was ready to go.

  Looking around the apartment, I decided to tidy everything up, clean the kitchenette and bathroom, which would fill in some time. I dried the coffee cups that were left in the draining rack, cleaned out the fridge, and rearranged the fridge magnets. I needed to keep busy, but was running out of chores.

  I stuck my head out over the balcony edge again. Even though it was early hours of the morning, there were people everywhere going from bar to bar, so the hope of seeing Cole in the crowd was slim.

  I went to get dressed so I could go out searching for him. But did Cole have keys? What if I was out, and he came back and was locked out of his own apartment?

  Laying back down on the bed, I watched the time tick over. I needed him to come home now. I needed to say sorry, and tell him how I really felt about him.

  I loved Riley, but I was in love with Cole.

  Something woke me and I sat up quickly, remembering that Cole had been missing for several hours. There was noise outside the door, and I smiled, relieved that he was back. He was probably rolling drunk, and trying to find the doorknob.

  Jumping up off the bed, I raced over to the door to open it, but I could hear talking. He wasn’t alone.

  The door flew open, and Cole stumbled in with a girl under each arm.

  I stood, frozen to the spot. I couldn’t fathom what was happening.

  He was laughing and smiling. He met my eyes, and for a brief moment I saw that hurt little boy, then the little boy left and was replaced by someone who just wanted revenge.

  He led the girls in. “Tara, don’t mind us,” he sneered. “We won’t take long.” He gave me a slow, exaggerated wink.

  The girl on the left, the one with the shortest skirt I’d ever seen, went to jump onto the bed.

  “Pas sur le lit,” he told her roughly. He didn’t want her on the bed.

  “Cole?” I stammered. “Wha … what are you doing?” I could feel tears prickling my eyes.

  He looked at me through slitted eyes. “What do you think I’m doing? You know me, a different girl every night. I’ve got some catching up to do.”

  “I … I don’t understand.” I was looking between the three of them, trying to make some sense of this hell I had found myself in.

  “What’s not to understand, Tara?” he said, throwing his hands out to the side.

  Whore number two was kissing his neck as she fumbled with the buttons on his shirt. She went to kiss his face, and he pulled away.

  “Riley’s the only one you want, and I want—” He waved his hand in the air. “—everyone.”

  He leaned over towards me. “But you can watch, if you want. I know you like to watch.”

  A sob escaped me, and I threw my hand over my mouth. His eyes softened for a split second, and his brow furrowed. But then the wall was back up.

  I still wasn’t dressed, and one of the girls was kneeling down in front of him, working at his jeans. Grabbing my iPod, I ran into the bathroom, slamming the door behind me.

  I wedged myself into the corner between the bathtub and the wash basin. My hands were shaking, my vision blurred with tears as I tried to untangle the headphones for the iPod and get them in my ears. I didn’t want to listen to the giggles and groans that were coming from the next room.

  The bathroom tiles were hard and cold. I tried to pull my satin robe tighter around me, but there was no warmth in the room.

  “Pas sur la bouche.” I heard Cole’s deep voice order. What did he mean by not on the lips?

  I could hear the girl’s voices, but not what they were saying. But they seemed to be saying a lot.

  “Arrêter de parler, tais-toi,” he told them. He was telling them to shut up. Obviously he wasn’t interested in conversation.

  Tears were streaming down my cheeks, but somehow I managed to untangle the headphones and get them in my ears. I turned up the volume as loud as I could and tried to lose myself in the music.

  The wall I was leaning against shook. Someone was banging up against it, making the room shake, over and over again.

  I scurried over to the opposite corner and buried my face in my hands. I couldn’t stop the gut-wrenching sobs that were escaping me. I could just imagine Cole and those two whores, laughing at me from the other side of the door.

  It was freezing on the floor. Grabbing the towels off the rack, I wrapp
ed them around me for warmth, but it was no use. I was shaking violently.

  I struggled to catch my breath. My face was smeared with tears and snot but I didn’t care, I couldn’t stop the pain that was piercing through my heart. I gulped down three deep breaths and choked, coughing uncontrollably.

  I was going to be sick.

  I crawled over to the toilet and just managed to lift the seat before the contents of my stomach came up. I heaved and heaved until there was nothing left, all the while wiping tears from my puffy red face. When I was sure the nausea had passed, I curled back up in the corner with the towels wrapped around me, and closed my eyes.

  Finally, the tears were drying up and I could control my breathing. I listened to the music and pictured in my head the notes I would play if I were back home in front of the piano.

  Feeling a rush of air, I opened my eyes. Cole was standing in the open doorway. He looked down at me, curled up in the corner, shivering, and leaned his head against the doorframe. He looked sad, but dishevelled. At least he’d bothered to pull his jeans back on.

  I took one look at his face and bare chest, and the retching sobs started all over again. I buried my face in the towels and bawled uncontrollably.

  “They’re gone, you can come out,” he said, as if he hadn’t just been banging two whores in the next room.

  I was furious. I jumped up onto wobbly legs. The floor was so cold my legs had cramped up, but I didn’t care. If he was coming in, I was getting the hell out. I wasn’t going to let him corner me in this tiny room.

  He ran his hand through his hair, the look on his face pained. “Tara,” he said, trying to grab my arm as I pushed my way past him.

  I yanked my arm away, turning on him. I punched him as hard as I could in the chest. “Don’t touch me,” I screamed. “Don’t you ever touch me again.”

  The tears were streaming down my face. I was close to hysterics.

  He stumbled back with a look of surprise at my outburst. “Why do you care what I do?” he retorted angrily. “You told Hotshot he was the only one you wanted.” He got up in my face. “I heard you, remember?”

  I lashed out again. I wanted to hurt him physically, the way he had ripped my heart out.