Survivor

by Mary Alford

  “What are you doing tonight? I was thinking that maybe we could have dinner together. We haven’t done that in a long time.”

  “I can’t. I have plans.”

  I saw the smug expression come back into his eyes and knew exactly what he was thinking. “With Andy Taylor again? You two sure are seeing a lot of each other.”

  “His name is Jason, and yes we are. He’s a nice man and I like him a lot. I have to go. I’ll see you in the morning.”

  I didn’t give him the opportunity to say anything else. I anticipated another nasty remark and walked out before I had to deal with it.

  I hardly recognized the man I faced each day as being the same man who’d been so generous to Zoey and her daughter. I knew I wasn’t being fair to Aaron. After all, he hadn’t done anything wrong, but I just couldn’t bear the thought of him with that woman. The more I tried to ignore it, the more it became clear to me. And it wasn’t just Elise who bothered me. It was the fact that Aaron was out with another woman in the first place. I didn’t have the right to feel this way about him.

  I was miserable. I hated Aaron, hated myself, and used poor Jason to salve my wounded pride.

  Chapter Fourteen

  “Don’t tell me. You didn’t like the movie?” Jason asked when we got back to my apartment.

  “Oh no! No, the movie was good.”

  “Then how come you’ve barely said more than two words to me since we left the theater?” Poor Jason had been trying his best to figure out what was wrong with me. In the half dozen times we’d gone out together, I found him sweet in a big-brother kind of way. Somehow, I didn’t believe he felt the same way about our relationship.

  “No. No, it was great. I guess I’m just a little preoccupied tonight, you know, with the trip tomorrow. I’m sorry. I have enjoyed the evening.”

  “Are you worried about the trip or your boss?” This was the first time Aaron had come up between us, and he was the last thing I wanted to discuss with Jason. I couldn’t tell him he was right. The man occupied most of my thoughts lately.

  “Jason…”

  “Grace…” Jason mimicked my tone, hoping to make me smile. “Come on. I’m not stupid. I am a cop, remember. We know things. And I know when a woman is just using me.”

  “That’s not true. I would never use you. I like spending time with you.”

  “You’re just not interested in me as anything more than a friend, are you?” He saw the truth even if I didn’t want to admit it to him.

  “It’s okay. You can be honest with me.” Even though Jason smiled, I could tell I’d hurt him. “I’m a big guy. I can handle the truth.”

  I shook my head. “I’m sorry.”

  “It’s okay. Trust me, I understand.”

  I squeezed his hand. He was such a nice guy. “Look, let’s talk. Something we should have done from the start, I think. Let me just put on some coffee, okay?”

  He easily agreed with me. Jason was an agreeable man. I made coffee while he roamed around my tiny living room.

  “So, tell me what’s going on between you and your boss?” he said when I handed him a cup.

  I arched a brow. “Nothing. Aaron is just my boss.”

  “Sorry, but I don’t believe you. You know, if we’re going to be friends, you can talk to me.”

  I sat next to him on my sofa and realized I was going to tell him everything. Even things I wasn’t ready to accept myself. Things I couldn’t share with Aaron.

  “Jason, a friend is all Aaron or you or any other guy could ever be to me.” He sat silently listening while I told him everything about my mother’s death and my father’s desertion. “So you see, there is a real chance that the same thing could happen to me. And I can’t bear the thought of going through what my mother went through. You can’t imagine how hard that was to watch.”

  “Have you ever considered maybe you’re not giving Aaron much credit? I mean, how can you know he would react the same way as your father? He might be there with you through it all. And I hate to point out the obvious, but how do you even know you’ll go through the same thing your mother went through? Grace, you’re living your life on an awful lot of maybes. Don’t you see, by shutting people out you’re pretty much fulfilling your greatest fear? You’re not allowing anyone the opportunity to prove you wrong.”

  “That’s not true. I have friends.”

  “Yes, and friends are important, but there’s something to be said for sharing your life with someone special. And no matter how much you try to convince me differently, I still believe you do want the whole thing. You’re only trying to convince yourself differently because you’re scared.”

  Outside, the rain that had threatened all night turned into a full downpour, distracting Jason long enough to give me the chance to consider his words.

  “Maybe what you say is true, but it doesn’t matter because I can’t do it! I just can’t go there, Jason. And trust me, if I could, Aaron wouldn’t be the one I would go through it with. He’s not interested in such things. Aaron is all about having a good time with a woman. That’s it. He’d be sick of me in a matter of days. I’m not all that exciting.”

  “I think you’re still fooling yourself, but for your information, Miss Caldwell, you are an interesting person. What makes you think he wouldn’t want to be serious with you?”

  “Oh just about everything I’ve ever read or seen about him is all. He has quite a reputation, which just so happens to be true. I’ve witnessed it. Anyway, can we please change the subject now?”

  He lowered his head so I couldn’t see his expression.

  “So, does this mean you won’t be my date for the Christmas party after all? I mean I would certainly understand if you don’t want to come after everything we’ve talked about tonight.”

  “What, and stand up my new friend? No way. I’m definitely not that kind of friend.”

  Jason glanced at his watch and then out at the flood raging just beyond my window.

  “I didn’t realize it was so late. I should get going so you can get some sleep before the big day.”

  I took one look out my living room window and knew there was no way I could let him drive home in that.

  “It’s not showing any signs of letting up. You can’t go out there. Why don’t you spend the night here? The couch makes into a bed. I’ll stay there and you can take my bed.”

  “Thanks for the offer, and I’ll be happy to take you up on it but I’m sleeping out here. I’ll be fine. Go and get some sleep. I’ll see you in the morning.”

  It was a long time before I could actually find sleep that night. Jason’s words kept going round in my head, reminding me that no matter how much I tried to ignore the truth, I was crazy about Aaron. I just couldn’t let him know it.

  Sometime during the night, the storm knocked out the electricity. I’m not sure how late I would have slept had it not been for Jason’s repeated knocking on my door to let me know it was almost time for Aaron to pick me up.

  I dressed at record speed while I tried to figure out how I was going to get Jason out of my apartment before Aaron arrived.

  When I emerged from my bedroom carrying my bags, Jason came out of the kitchen and handed me a coffee. I was just about to suggest that he should leave when I heard the doorbell.

  Aaron.

  I opened the door to Aaron’s impatient buzzing and couldn’t think of one single thing to say to him.

  Not that it mattered. About the same time, Aaron spotted Jason. His gaze came to rest on mine filled with accusation. The obvious question was there that I couldn’t bring myself to answer.

  “We need to go. We’ll just make the flight as it is.” He took my bags while I said good-bye to Jason.

  Jason kissed my cheek. “See you at the party, Grace.”

  “Yep, see you then.” I left without another word, all too conscious of Aaron following close by, controlling his anger with difficulty.

  He barely waited until we were in the car before he hit
me with the first question.

  “You slept with him? You actually slept with Andy Taylor? How could you do that? I thought he was ‘only a friend’?”

  I knew what Aaron’s reaction would be, but still I couldn’t hide my disgust. “Not that it’s any of your business, but I didn’t sleep with Jason, and he is just my friend.”

  “Don’t give me that. He spent the night at your place. He’s been fawning all over you for weeks. What happened, all that talk about doing the right thing go out the window last night?”

  “Jason is a friend, and he slept on the couch. I realize for you it’s an impossible concept to grasp, but not everyone lives their lives by your moral code. And I don’t want to talk about it anymore with you. It’s none of your business anyway. Let’s just concentrate on the meeting and forget the rest.”

  He didn’t like my answer, but I think he realized it wasn’t the time to push. We met up with Carl at the airline desk, and I waited for Aaron to realize I’d booked him next to the guy.

  I expected more anger but I was disappointed. I think Aaron was actually relieved he wasn’t going to have to spend the next nine hours close to me.

  I was miserable, on the other hand, which was quickly becoming my normal state of mind lately. I didn’t want to sit next to Aaron, but I didn’t want to sit alone and wonder how much longer he would put up with my miserable attitude. I knew I’d pushed him further than he was accustomed to accepting from anyone, especially someone who worked for him. Whatever friendship still existed between us I was managing to kill quite successfully.

  Part of me couldn’t help but wonder if I was deliberately attempting to sabotage our relationship just to keep from facing my true feelings for him?

  I tried to watch a movie but couldn’t stay focused on the screen in front of me. I tried not looking at Aaron but was automatically drawn to him. So I watched as Aaron and Carl calmly discussed business and tried not fall apart.

  Hours later, when the cabin lights dimmed, I hoped for sleep. I was still pretending when someone took the seat next to me. I knew it would be Aaron.

  “What say we call a truce to our little war? At least for this trip? We’ll talk about whatever needs to be talked about when we return to the States. The meeting doesn’t start until the day after tomorrow. I was thinking you and I could do some sightseeing later tomorrow. This will probably be our only chance since we’re leaving again in a few days and we’re going to be tied up in meetings every minute of the time. You shouldn’t leave London without seeing what a great city it is.”

  When I saw his expression, I realized he was at least trying. I owed him as much in return.

  “I’ve always wanted to visit London,” I said tentatively. “I never thought I’d get the opportunity to come here. I would like to see the city with you.”

  “Good. Then we’ll ditch our friend once we get to the hotel, and I’ll come get you. In the meantime, try to get some sleep. You look exhausted.”

  I expected Aaron to return to his seat next to Carl but he didn’t. He sat close to me until I forgot about him entirely.

  I woke hours later when the pilot announced our arrival into Gatwick Airport. It was then that I realized Aaron was asleep as well.

  “Aaron, wake up. We’re here.”

  After we checked into our rooms, Aaron and I slipped away. I hadn’t been so happy in weeks. I could almost forget the past few days ever happened. For just a little while, there was no Elise waiting back home for Aaron. It was just a rainy afternoon in London. Just the two of us.

  Aaron showed me all the tourist spots around the city I’d always dreamed of seeing. Being with him made them all the more special. After we’d finished touring Big Ben and Buckingham Palace and we’d strolled along the Thames, Aaron rented a car and took me out to dinner.

  The place he chose was on the outskirts of the city. An old farmhouse that had been converted into a restaurant. There was a small stage set up in the corner where a band played sentimental love songs for the patrons. Everything about the night screamed romance.

  We spent hours talking about nothing at all while the music played on. Once we’d finished with our meals, Aaron got to his feet and held out his hand to me.

  “I love this song, Grace. Don’t refuse me this one request. Please dance with me.”

  I hesitated only a moment, and then I took his hand and let him lead me out onto the small dance floor. The second I went into his arms I forgot everyone else in the restaurant.

  The song was so slow and romantic I almost let myself believe in fairy tales.

  In Aaron’s arms with one song ending and another more seductive one beginning, I had to remind myself he was not my future.

  We drove back to the hotel in silence. More than once, I felt Aaron’s gaze on me, but he didn’t ask what was on my mind, and for once I was truly grateful I didn’t have a clue what he was thinking.

  The remainder of the trip didn’t come close to matching those moments spent alone with Aaron. Seated next to me on the flight back to Austin, he was so excited that it was hard not to catch his enthusiasm. The meeting had been a huge success. I could see he believed everything was back to normal between us. I wished I felt the same way, but in my heart, I knew our relationship would never go back to the way it was before. For a few precious days I’d been able to forget about Elise and that I was crazy about Aaron, but back in Austin all my doubts returned. By the time we left the airport we were right back where we’d started. At least in my mind. Aaron didn’t share my misgivings.

  “You want to grab some dinner?” I didn’t know how to answer him.

  It was late by the time we’d dropped Carl off at his house. “I can’t, Aaron. I have other plans.” I told myself I hadn’t exactly lied to him. I had plans. I planned to do my laundry.

  Aaron’s hurt expression had me hating myself for taking the easy way out, but I just couldn’t go back to hanging out as friends the way we had before. My feelings changed long ago, even before Elise came into the picture.

  “Don’t tell me. Andy Taylor?” Aaron didn’t even try to hide his sarcasm.

  “His name is Jason,” I reminded him for the umpteenth time.

  “But it is him you’re spending your Friday night with, isn’t it? Fine. Do whatever you want with the guy. Just make sure you’re at the company party tomorrow night. After all, I’m expecting you there. Consider it part of your job responsibilities if you want. Just don’t think about skipping out.”

  Aaron carried my bags up but he didn’t come inside. He left me with a slight lift of his hand and never looked back.

  I didn’t bother unpacking but called the one person who would know exactly what I was going through.

  “Hi, Gran. You weren’t sleeping, were you?” I glanced at the clock, saw the time, and felt guilty for the first time. What was I thinking? Just because I was miserable, didn’t mean I needed to make everyone around me miserable as well.

  “I’m never too sleepy to talk to you.” It was her sweet way of saying yes, she had been sleeping, and yes, I’d interrupted it, but she wasn’t mad.

  “Sorry about waking you. I just got back from London, and I’m too wound up to sleep.”

  “How was the trip, doll? Did you get to do any looking around while you were there? It’s such an exciting job for someone so young. You’re lucky to have it, Gracie. And such a nice boss, not to mention a good friend and, well, you know we like Aaron, don’t you, honey?”

  “Don’t start, okay? I don’t want to talk…” I’d been about to say I didn’t want to talk about Aaron, but he was the reason I’d called in the first place.

  “Honey, you think I don’t know what you need to talk about? The real reason you called tonight, even though you’re trying your best to beat around the bush. Tell me what’s bothering you, doll.”

  “Aaron, of course. Things have gotten so out of control, and I don’t know how to fix them. You know how I feel about…” I couldn’t say the words, but I didn’
t need to.

  “Do you love him?” My sweet grandmother said the words I could not. She’d probably known how I felt about Aaron even before I did.

  “No…I don’t know. Maybe, but it doesn’t matter because it doesn’t change anything. I’m not going to tell him how I feel.”

  Just when I expected the usual argument, her quiet, knowing laughter surprised me. “Never say never, honey. Life doesn’t work that way.”

  “I can’t put my heart out there. Maybe it’s wrong and I know how you feel, but I can’t.”

  “Gracie, I think you already have. Honey, are you crying?” I hadn’t realized until she spoke. I think I was more shocked by my tears than the fact I’d just admitted how I felt about Aaron to someone else.

  “Honey, let me ask you something and you think about it before you answer. If you could take away having met him or having shared the time you have with him, would you? Think about your life before Aaron and then you decide if it’s worth losing him. Maybe that will help you decide what you can and can’t do.”

  The thought of living without Aaron in my life was frightening. “I can’t even bring myself to think about it. Does that answer your question? But Aaron isn’t like me. He doesn’t feel the same way about me. So even if I wanted to be with him, he could never be what I need. Aaron doesn’t want the same things out of life that I want.”

  “You mean the same things you didn’t want to admit you wanted? You’ve been fooling yourself for so long. Don’t you think Aaron is capable of doing the same?”