by Mary Alford
I wasn’t ready to accept my feelings for Aaron as having any place in my life. I wouldn’t because I didn’t believe he would be there for me when I needed him to be.
Aaron was a player. Interested only in the chase. I’m sure the only reason he found me attractive in the least was because I presented a little bit more of a challenge. Aaron had never met a woman who didn’t fall hard for him. After all, he had what every woman wanted. The looks, the money. The charm. I’m sure he couldn’t understand what was keeping me away, and I didn’t dare show him what a phony I was. I was just like all those other women.
After trying to force conversation throughout lunch, we mostly abandoned it altogether on the ride back to my apartment.
I needed to be alone with my unhappiness. I couldn’t bear the strain between us, couldn’t move beyond it and couldn’t imagine returning to the friendship we’d found in the beginning. So where did that leave us?
“Grace.” Aaron parked the car and glanced over at me. I could see the questions in his eyes.
“I have to go. I’m tired and I promised my grandmother I’d call her after the service. Don’t forget to get your jacket from the hotel. They’re holding it for you. I’ll see you tomorrow, okay?” I didn’t give him the opportunity to say anything else. I got out of the car and left Aaron watching me run away from him one more time.
I was turning into quite a little storyteller as of late. I’d never promised Grandma Ruth anything of the sort, and although I hadn’t gotten much sleep the night before I was wide awake. Sleep was the last thing on my mind.
I prowled around my small apartment, unable to concentrate on anything. By late afternoon, I was actually desperate enough to talk to Deb. A task I’d been avoiding like the plague since my early departure the night before.
“Hi.” When I heard her familiar voice, I started counting. It took exactly five seconds for the first question to come.
“Where did you disappear to last night?” I could hear all the anticipation in her voice. She knew. She’d watched me leave with Aaron.
“I gave Aaron a ride home, as if you didn’t know.”
She giggled and asked another more unwelcome question.
“So, when are you going to stop pretending you aren’t crazy about the guy and just go for it?”
“Never.” I didn’t even hesitate. “And before you say it, you know why. And I don’t want to talk about Aaron anymore. Tell me about the wedding. Is everything all set? Do you need me to help with anything?”
Deb’s heavy sigh into the receiver was explanation enough. “No, you know how I feel about making a big production out of this. Can you come spend the night with me on Wednesday? Otherwise I’m afraid I might not make it to the church at all. I never dreamed this was going to be so hard. Brian is spending the night with his parents. I need you to keep me focused.”
“I’ll be there right after the service. I’ll bring greasy pizza, and we can talk all night if you want. How’s that sound?”
“Perfect. Can you believe I’m getting married in just a few days? You know I’ve dreamed about this day all of my life, but I still can’t believe it’s finally happening.”
“Deb, you’re going to be fine. You and Brian were made for each other. He’s a good guy. You’re lucky.”
She picked up on the longing in my voice I couldn’t hide. “It could happen to you too. You just need to stop worrying about everything so much. You expect the worse from life and from men. They’re not all like your father. And maybe you’re not going to be like your mother either. Let Aaron surprise you. I think he will if you ever give the poor man a chance.”
After I said good-bye I felt worse than ever. My talk with Deb hadn’t helped at all. I went to bed at eight again, but unlike before I was asleep the second my head hit the pillow. I was physically exhausted from my emotional turmoil.
The following week felt like the longest one of my life. I tried to concentrate on work and ignore Aaron entirely, which was just about impossible because I was aware of every little thing he did or said. I couldn’t be in the same room with him and not be conscious of everything about him, including the fact that he was the sexiest man around.
When he asked me out to a movie I refused. He invited me to his house for dinner but I made up excuses. By the time Wednesday finally arrived, Aaron had pretty much stopped offering and resorted to watching me closely, trying to figure out what was going on in my head.
I anticipated a heart-to-heart in the works by the end of the day. Aaron was only waiting for the rest of the staff to leave before calling me into his office, but I didn’t give him the opportunity.
I crept out while Aaron was on the phone with Elise. A call I’d been forced to answer because Sally had taken the week of Christmas off for vacation. Hearing the woman’s voice gave me more fuel for my anger, but it did help me bury whatever feelings I might actually have for him even deeper behind the anger. I left the office even though he’d asked me to wait for him.
I didn’t go home because I anticipated his call, or worse yet, his arrival at my doorstep. I’d packed my overnight bag, loaded my bridesmaid dress and the things I’d need for the wedding the following day before going into the office. I decided to go straight to Wednesday service and then on to Deb’s afterward. No need to go home and risk running into Aaron.
I sat in my usual pew, watching the pianist as she played Christmas carols, when I became aware of someone standing next to me.
“I thought I would find you here.” I didn’t need to look at Aaron to know I’d hurt him deeply with my behavior. It was all there in the rough sound of his voice.
“Can I join you?”
“What are you doing here?” I managed to get out without looking at him. He sat down next to me then took my hand and forced me to look at him.
“Since you’ve refused to see me outside of the office anymore, I figured this was the only way I could be with you. You can’t throw me out of church or run away from me here, surely? Please don’t run away.”
“I’m not running away. I’ve been busy. I told you…” I couldn’t finish. I didn’t have it in me to lie to him no matter how much I wished I could at that moment. Looking at him, the expression in those blue eyes was hard to associate with him.
Instead, I let my gaze wander around the room and then back to my watch. Still far too much time before the service began, and Aaron still held my hand.
“Grace, I thought we’d gotten beyond this…anger or whatever this is standing between us. I thought we were friends?”
It took all my strength not to get up and walk away from him at those words. “I’m not angry, and we are friends. I told you, I’ve just been busy.”
He shook his head. “You shouldn’t lie in church. I don’t believe you. But I won’t pressure you to tell me what’s bothering you. I want you to trust me. Not be afraid to talk to me.” When the service began, I pulled my hand out of Aaron’s grasp.
The service was performed entirely by candlelight. The youth group had passed out candles before the start of the meeting. When the music ended, the lights were extinguished and the crowd grew solemn. Everyone in the building, including Aaron, felt the importance of the moment as Pastor Rob recited the Christmas story.
Throughout the message I found myself crying. When Aaron reached for my hand I didn’t try to pull away.
After the service was over Aaron asked me to have dinner with him once again.
“I can’t. I’m going over to Deb’s. You know tomorrow’s the wedding?”
“Ah, of course, how could I forget? I’ll be attending as well. Are you bringing Andy?” While he’d said those words jokingly, Aaron wasn’t smiling.
“Jason has to work so he won’t be coming.”
“I’ll walk you to your car.” Aaron still held my hand as we left the deserted church building and walked across the parking lot to my little car.
He apparently wasn’t in any hurry to let me go. “So it’s you and A
ndy, huh?” Aaron was fishing for information. I should have been delighted and part of me was. But the part that couldn’t accept these feelings I had for him or his jealousy as anything more than impossible wanted to cry.
“Jason is just my friend.” I was beginning to sound like a broken record. I pulled my hand out of his and leaned against my car. I needed the support. Aaron was too close for normal breathing on my part.
“You have a lot of friends. I’m just your friend as well, but you don’t treat me the same way as you do him. I’ve seen the way you two act around each other. You open up to him. Me, you just clam up. Why? What does he have that gets through to you?”
“Aaron…” I couldn’t trust the new humbleness in him. I needed to get away. I was so close to crying again. Even closer to telling him how I felt about him.
“I have to go…” I stepped away from the car, ready to make my run for it, when he caught me and brought me, resisting every inch of the way, into his arms.
“Aaron—please.” My denial sounded every bit an invitation.
Aaron lowered his head until his forehead rested against mine. Then he tilted my chin back and kissed me, and I forgot to fight. Forgot all of the reasons why I couldn’t be with him. I forgot the past, forgot my father, forgot Aaron was destined to break my heart if I gave him have the opportunity. I forgot everything except that I loved him.
To my utter shame, I didn’t try to pull away even after he stopped kissing me. Just for a little while, I wanted to be close to him.
But my happiness was short lived when I remembered my mother’s expression the day my father told her he couldn’t be there for her through her suffering. He’d walked out the door, barely acknowledging me at all.
My mother cried for hours, and then she’d told me a secret I’d never been able to share with anyone. Not even Grandma Ruth. She told me my father hadn’t wanted their marriage. Even though he loved her in his own way, he hadn’t wanted a commitment. When my mother became pregnant he’d done the honorable thing, but he’d always felt trapped. My father had been looking for a way out from the beginning. Just like Aaron.
I pushed Aaron away, but it took effort. “I have to go,” I told him again and tried to mean it. I unlocked the door with trembling fingers.
Over his shoulder, he said those final words to me before he walked away. “Go ahead, Grace, run away. You’re good at it. But you know you felt something. Maybe someday you’ll actually stop denying you’re human and give in to those feelings like the rest of the world.”
Chapter Seventeen
Even though it was only a small wedding it couldn’t have been more perfect. Deb glowed with happiness.
I stood next to her in the church we’d decorated with Christmas poinsettias, dressed in a red velvet bridesmaid dress picked out by Deb, my hair pinned high. Deb, in her simple cut, cream wedding gown, literally shook from nerves.
I couldn’t bring myself to look into the group of people attending because I knew I would take one look at Aaron and remember all the things I was trying to forget about the night before. I’d done nothing but cry since I’d left him hours earlier.
Poor Deb didn’t know what to think when I showed up at her apartment bawling like a baby, but it didn’t take her long to get the truth out of me. Not that she hadn’t guessed it a long time ago.
“Grace! You idiot! What’s wrong with you? If you’d ever stop looking for problems and expecting to receive a death sentence you’d see the man is crazy about you as well! What’s wrong with you?”
But I couldn’t let go of my fears. Not even for Aaron. They’d kept me from experiencing life, but they’d also kept me from being hurt.
“I can’t, Deb, and it’s not just because of my mother. I don’t trust Aaron. I can’t. It’s better this way.”
“You know what I think.” She picked up another slice of pizza before answering. “I think you’re afraid of living. You watched your mother die, and yes, there’s a chance you could get breast cancer as well, but there’s also a chance you won’t. There’s a chance you might live to be, oh, a hundred! What does that do to all your doom-and-gloom plans? And so what if you do get it? Medicine has made tremendous strides since your mother’s time. You said yourself she refused to accept that she might be ill until it was too late to do anything about it. You’re not like that. You know how important it is to keep on top of any changes in your body. Grace,” she said more gently, “you’ve been worried about death all your life. Don’t you think it’s time you started living for a change? I mean, who’s to say we might not all end up dead in another year? You don’t have the corner on death, you know. You’d better start living before you wake up one day and discover it’s too late. Before Aaron isn’t available anymore.”
Her words sent chills through my heart. But still, no matter how much Deb made sense, I couldn’t let go of my foolish fears.
When Pastor Rob asked me for the ring, I spotted Deb’s happiness and the beginning of her tears. The rings were exchanged and the final vows taken. The ceremony was over. Brian’s best friend, Mike, walked me down the aisle while I kept my gaze focused straight ahead.
The wedding pictures seemed to take forever, mostly because I was busy pretending I didn’t know Aaron was watching me.
Once the last picture was taken, the bridal party adjourned to the reception hall where we stood in line to greet all of Deb and Brian’s guests.
Aaron stopped to kiss Deb’s cheek and talk for a minute. I pretended not to listen, but I heard him tell her how beautiful she was. Then he took my hand and forced me out of the line. I looked to Deb for help but she simply gave me a push.
“You look beautiful as well. Red suits you.” Aaron sounded nervous. Or at least I thought he sounded nervous. But then, I’d never seen Aaron be anything but in control. He wasn’t the nervous type. He held my hand as he led me over to one of the small tables decorated with tiny poinsettias.
“You do look good.” His gaze held mine, forcing me to be still. I couldn’t keep the embarrassing color from creeping into my face.
Deb insisted the reception be no frills as well, but even so, it seemed to go on forever, lasting surprisingly late into the evening.
“Are you going home for Christmas?” Aaron’s question brought my attention back to him. We watched the happy couple leave the reception hall and then I was alone with him once more.
“No. I told my grandparents I’d come home for New Year’s. What about you? What are you doing?”
“I’m on my own as well. Since we’re both alone, why don’t we spend Christmas together? I don’t want to be alone and there isn’t anyone I’d rather be with. I promise I’ll be the perfect gentleman.”
My heart raced even while my conscience reminded me of all the things I believed to be true about Aaron. Was I crazy?
“I’d like that.” The words were out of my mouth without a moment’s hesitation.
“But I need to go home and change first.” I glanced down at my slightly wilted velvet dress.
Aaron looked me over and shook his head. “It’s a pity because you look nice.”
“Yeah? Well, I feel uncomfortable.”
He laughed as we started toward my car. “I’ll follow you home, and you can leave your car there. Bring some clothes. You can spend the night at my place. In separate rooms, of course,” he added when he saw that I was ready to refuse.
It had been a long time since I’d seen Aaron look so carefree. How could I refuse?
“Why don’t you show me this Trail of Lights I’ve been hearing so much about this year?” Aaron asked once we were back in his car again. He glanced my way, but I kept my attention focused on the growing darkness around us. How could I tell him that in all the years I’d lived in Austin, I’d never once been to the Trail of Lights display?
“Sure, that sounds nice.”
“Great. What’s the best way to get there from here?” While I knew generally where the Trail of Lights was located, seeing as I�
��d never actually been there, I had no idea the best way to direct him.
“It’s at Zilker Park.”
“I know where it is, I’m just wondering…wait, you’ve never been there before, have you?” His gaze met mine in disbelief. “You haven’t, have you?”
“No, I’m sorry, Aaron. I’m the worst possible person to tell you how best to get there.”
“Wait, this is an Austin landmark, and you’ve never been to see it in all the years you’ve lived here?”
I could only shake my head.
I expected more questions, certainly more teasing, but I was surprised. Aaron wasn’t behaving true to form.
“Then we have something we can do together for the first time. I think I like that even better.”
We spent several hours walking through the festive light displays that made up the Trail of Lights on the crisp winter night in Austin, Texas. When we finally reached the Zilker Christmas Tree we were holding hands.
“Tell me how you and your family celebrate Christmas.” He watched in amusement while I twirled beneath the tree, looking up at all the countless lights and becoming dizzy.
“Like everyone else. Well, at least on Christmas morning. We open our presents in the morning, but Christmas Eve, well, that’s when we go all out. My grandparents and I all go outside and—don’t laugh,” I added when he stared at me funny. “Grandpa Harry reads the story of Christmas, and we build a small fire outdoors. It’s just the three of us. Personal. It’s…nice.”
Aaron watched me as I continued to spin around in a deliberate attempt to avoid his gaze. When I could look at him again the expression in his eyes took my breath away and made it impossible for me to say anything else. He touched my hair, tucking a stray curl behind my ear.
“Sounds nice. I wish…well sometimes I wish I’d grown up more like you. Life must have been a whole lot simpler for you.”
How could I tell him my life wasn’t simple at all? I didn’t want to think about what I was doing any more than I wanted to try and analyze every little thing Aaron said.
