by Mary Alford
“What about you? What was Christmas like for you growing up with your parents?”
We’d started back along the pathway, passing several groups of people heading to the tree. The walk back was not nearly so populated.
Aaron was silent beside me for a while. I wondered if my question might bring back painful memories for him. I knew his parents had been gone for a while, but still, the holidays had a way of bringing all that old hurt back to the surface.
“I’m sorry. Forget I asked. It must be hard for you still. I know how difficult the holidays can be to get through at times.”
“No. No, it’s okay. I don’t mind. I was just thinking about one of the last Christmases my parents and I spent together. It had to be the year before their deaths. You have to understand, my family wasn’t like yours in the sense that we didn’t have any longstanding traditions we followed from year to year. Every Christmas was a little different. Sometimes we’d put up a tree. Sometimes we wouldn’t. Sometimes we’d end up spending the holidays in Colorado skiing. It pretty much changed from year to year. That’s what I meant when I said I wished I’d grown up more like you. There’s a lot to be said for having traditions. I think I would have preferred knowing what I was coming home to each year. But I loved my parents even though they were probably considered a little eccentric. They didn’t have an opinion on God one way or another. We just never talked about it. I don’t think they believed in anything.”
Aaron stopped along the path to allow a group of exuberant teens to pass. There were a couple holding hands amongst the group, but mostly it was just one big gang out on the town. They shouted their thanks as they rushed along the path, laughing and singing Christmas songs.
“So what made you remember this one particular Christmas? What makes it stand out in your mind?”
Aaron took my hand again, but I no longer worried about who might see us together. I wasn’t going to think about any of those things tonight. I was just happy to be with him.
“I don’t know. Just something you said about the way you celebrate Christmas each year and how personal it is for you. Looking back on that year I can’t help but wonder if maybe somehow our subconscious mind picks up on, oh I don’t know, some sort of urgency or something. Maybe something of the future and the tragedy overshadowing it has a way of projecting itself into the present through our subconscious. Maybe it’s God’s way of allowing us to settle things with the ones we love.”
It was my turn to be silent. “Anyway, that was the one year my mother went all out. Unexpectedly, she had the tree decorated, along with the house, from top to bottom. She insisted I come home for the holidays when I was ready to go off skiing with some friends from the university. I don’t know why I didn’t,” he added thoughtfully. “Maybe it was something in her voice. I wanted to make her happy. You see, I’d always been closer to my dad. We understood each other so much better, but something made me want to make my mother happy, so I canceled the ski trip and went back home to Virginia.
“You know, if there ever could have been the perfect Christmas for me it was that year. My mother made a huge meal, all the traditional foods. It was perfect. We opened presents on Christmas morning and ate dinner together as a family, which was something we rarely ever did, even when I was still living at home.”
Aaron stopped as a group of older people passed us. They said something to him that he found funny, but I wasn’t paying attention. I didn’t want him to see how much his story got to me.
“Are you crying?” I should have known he’d guess the truth.
“I’m sorry. It’s just that your story, it’s so beautiful. I’m so glad you and your family had those moments together.”
Aaron pulled me close, brushing away my tears. “I guess I never thought about it, but you’re right. We were lucky to have made those memories together.”
The parking lot had filled to capacity by the time we reached the car. The line waiting to get into the park continued to grow as Aaron eased the car out onto the street.
We drove for a long time without saying a word. Aaron’s story affected us both deeply.
“So how do you feel about hamburgers?” he asked with a grin that took away my sadness.
“Hamburgers? You’re asking how I feel about hamburgers.”
Aaron nodded. “Yes. Hamburgers. I’m starving and I’ve had this craving for hamburgers lately. Actually not just hamburgers. Cheeseburgers. You know, the greasy kind with lots of salty fries and maybe even a shake. What do you think?”
Aaron’s enthusiasm was easy to catch. “I love cheeseburgers, but if you think you’re going to find any place in the city open on Christmas Eve, I’m afraid you’re going to be disappointed.”
“Ah, well, now there’s where you’re wrong, Miss Caldwell. Because there’s this little place I’ve found all by myself, I might add. It stays open until one in the morning. I should know because I’ve been there at that time. I get these cravings quite often.”
“And surprisingly you haven’t gained ten pounds. What’s your secret, Mr. Severn?”
“Stress mostly. There’s this job I have that keeps me busy, not to mention this girl who is driving me crazy trying to figure out what’s going on in that head of hers. Between the two of them, I don’t stand a chance. I’d say I’m lucky to still be alive. So, a little junk food from time to time is the least of my worries.”
I couldn’t think of a single thing to say. I didn’t understand the sudden change in him any more than he did in me, but I certainly wasn’t prepared to accept it as anything more than a passing fancy. In my opinion, this newer, humbler Aaron was just another tactic he’d pulled out just for me.
I gave him a look meant to convey I wasn’t impressed with his little spiel, even if I was virtually shivering from his words. No need for him to know just how much he was getting to me.
Aaron ordered cheeseburgers and fries through the drive-through window of a small hamburger place that could only be described as a joint.
“Do you even know if these people have a license to sell food? I mean, what if they’re not serving beef?”
The thought obviously hadn’t occurred to him, but it did have him looking around his little place in a new light. Aaron focused a little more clearly on the slightly shabby little building before turning his attention to me. The expression on his face was priceless.
“I’m kidding. I’m only kidding. I’m sure this place is fine. But have you seen any dogs in the neighborhood lately?” I tried to keep a straight face in the light of the look he gave me that said he wasn’t sure if I was serious or not, but the image of eating anything, especially a dog, was horrifying to him.
“Oh, you should see your face. Oh Aaron, you’re too easy to tease.”
He leaned close and stroked my face, and I forgot all about teasing him, or cheeseburgers, or the less than cleanly appearance of Aaron’s little joint. He was so close. Too close. We’d arrived on dangerous ground as far as I was concerned. But for the life of me I couldn’t seem to move away from him or think of anything to say to stop the inevitable.
His eyes darkened with desire, knocking the breath from me. When his lips touched mine, I closed my eyes and gave myself up to him. His warm and gentle touch was my undoing. Something snapped within me, unleashing a storm of need I could no longer deny. Simply kissing Aaron wasn’t enough. Then we were touching, our eager fingers exploring until we both didn’t have a clue what was going on around us.
The sound of a teenage voice squawking through the intercom system held enough impatience in it to break the spell. We guiltily retreated to our separate seats. The kid had apparently been trying to get our attention for quite some time.
“Sure. Just a second.” Aaron still didn’t move. He sat perfectly still, watching me while I avoided making eye contact. “Are you okay? I’m sorry…I didn’t mean anything.”
“It’s okay. I’m okay. Don’t worry about it.” I still couldn’t meet his eyes, but he sounded
about as nervous and unsure of himself as I did. I could almost picture him blushing.
Aaron pulled the Corvette up to the window and paid the kid, who wasn’t even trying to hide the fact that he was impressed by the car.
“Nice wheels, dude. Is she fast?” Aaron grinned and told the kid the car was fast.
A little too fast, in fact. I remembered my own little mishaps. I sat listening to the two guys talking about cars for a few minutes longer before the kid remembered where he was long enough to hand our order to Aaron.
“Merry Christmas!” the young boy said as we drove away, both of us laughing at the kid’s obvious star struck expression.
“Poor kid. He’s probably been saving his pennies and all he has to show for it is some used beater and you pull up in every guy’s dream car. You should feel bad.”
“Every guy’s dream car? As I recall, this was your idea, Miss Caldwell. But we won’t go there. It’s probably not a safe subject to get into since I still remember my utter chewing out the last time I brought the car up. Besides, I’m starving. Let’s go home.”
In Aaron’s living room I was surprised to find that he’d actually put up a Christmas tree.
I gave him a look that showed my astonishment. “I thought you didn’t believe in those things?”
“I don’t. I guess I was hoping it would take the edge off being in a new town all alone. Maybe even make the place feel more like home. I know that doesn’t make sense, and it probably doesn’t sound anything like me but I thought, well, I don’t know what I thought.”
I stood next to him admiring the tree and surprised by the uncertainty in his voice. “It’s beautiful, Aaron. I think it’s great that you did this. Did you actually decorate the thing all by yourself?”
He tried to pretend he was hurt I would ask such a thing, but I knew he was only teasing. “I can’t believe you’d think I’d actually hire someone to decorate my own tree.”
“Uh-huh. What’s the matter? No one was available to do it for you?”
He made a fire in the fireplace, and we sat in front of it while eating our cheeseburgers. I couldn’t remember ever feeling this at ease with another man before him.
It was late and the lights were all out. There was nothing on but an old CD of classic Christmas songs playing. We weren’t even talking but it didn’t matter.
I sat on the floor in front of the fire, wondering about Christmas traditions. Would this be a new one for the both of us? Would we still be friends in another year? Or would Aaron have moved on to someone else by then?
I didn’t want to think about the future, but it was right there with me in all the questions I couldn’t ask and certainly couldn’t answer.
I wasn’t sure exactly when I fell asleep. I was only conscious of being carried in Aaron’s arms.
“Sorry, I was trying not to wake you.”
I couldn’t speak because I was too aware of him in a thousand different ways. Once he reached the bedroom I’d used once before, Aaron set me on my feet but didn’t move away. His arms still held me close. I knew I had a choice to make that would affect my life forever.
“I want you so much. But I would never do anything to hurt you, and I know how you feel about…” He didn’t need to say the words for me to understand what he was asking of me. “Will you let me stay with you tonight? I won’t touch you. I just want to be with you, hold you all night. It’s not about sex, Grace.”
I never believed him capable of feeling loneliness before. He’d always seemed so strong and unbreakable to me, but before me now was the human side of the man that I didn’t believe possessed human emotions. Aaron was strong and capable, but he was human after all.
“I won’t have sex with you, Aaron. I can’t. Not like this. You and I are just friends.”
His reaction to my words thrilled me. While Aaron didn’t want to accept my terms, for the moment he would.
“I know that’s what you’re trying to convince yourself you feel, honey, but I don’t agree with it and I don’t believe you do either.”
“Aaron…”
“I understand, and I accept how you feel for now. Tonight we’ll just be friends. We can be together as friends tonight, can’t we?”
I couldn’t answer because I didn’t have an answer for him. I knew I was on dangerous ground, but I wanted to comfort him as much as I didn’t want to be alone myself.
“Get ready for bed and then get under the covers. Just let me stay here with you tonight and hold you and maybe believe in miracles.”
I didn’t think it would be possible to find sleep that night but I was wrong. I lay next to Aaron listening while he talked about little things, unable to say a single word on my own, but he didn’t seem to mind. He held me and I listened, and right before I drifted off to sleep I could almost swear I heard him say, “I love you.”
I awoke Christmas morning to the sound of someone making an awful lot of noise in the kitchen. I sat up in bed then remembered what a fool I’d been the night before. Thankfully Aaron was nowhere around. I wasn’t sure when he’d left me.
I took my time dressing that morning because it was Christmas and I needed to get some control over my wayward heart.
When I was finally able to face Aaron, I discovered him elbow deep in the middle of stuffing a turkey. I forgot all of my previous nervousness and started to laugh so hard that it was difficult to speak.
“What are you doing to that poor thing?” I asked only to see him jump and almost drop the bird on the floor.
“You weren’t supposed to see this part,” he told me, looking every bit as embarrassed as the bright red color creeping into his face indicated.
“You’re just lucky I don’t have a camera right now because, boy could I use this against you.”
“I can only imagine, but you can forget about finding one around here. Trust me, it’s well hidden.”
“So, how long have you been at this?” I waited until he’d finally accomplished whatever he was trying to do and shoved the turkey into the oven. “And why are you doing it anyway? How did you even know I would be here?” I accused. It occurred to me that he had all the makings for a full course Christmas dinner. He’d known all along what I would do. I didn’t like the thought much.
“Come sit down and have some coffee, and don’t look at me like that. I was only hoping.”
“Uh-huh. I think I’m going to have to try harder at keeping my secrets.” He handed me a cup of fresh brewed Starbucks coffee before sitting across from me. “You seem to be getting a little too good at figuring me out.”
“Who, me?” He didn’t quite pull off looking innocent. “How’d you sleep?” His question had me searching the contents of my coffee cup, unable to meet the intensity in his eyes.
“Fine.”
“That makes one of us. I didn’t sleep at all, but I’m happy to see you were able to.”
“Sorry. Was the bed uncomfortable?” I asked before I even thought about his true meaning and felt my own color give away my innocence right then.
Aaron chuckled when he spotted it. “No, the bed was fine. It wasn’t the bed. It was the dangerous distraction in it, but I think we’d better talk about something else or I’m going to lose you, aren’t I? You’ll leave before we even get to taste the turkey. Sorry. It’s just so easy to tease you at times. You’re hard to resist.”
“Oh please. You don’t even try. You enjoy teasing me and you know it.”
“You’re right,” he said softly.
To change the subject to safer ground, I decided to ask him about food. “What exactly are you making besides the turkey?”
“The works of course. You know the traditional Christmas dinner I was telling you my mother made?” Aaron’s words reminded me of the story he’d told the night before. Something foreboding crept into my thoughts, and I couldn’t stop my mind from wondering what would be the purpose of our Christmas together. It certainly was as out of character as it got for me, just like everything I’d
done lately. All of my old fears resurfaced to remind me that my time with Aaron would be temporary. Would our future be as heartbreaking as his last Christmas with his parents?
“I know what you’re thinking. It was a bad choice of words on my part, and it wasn’t what I meant at all. I was only talking about the food choice.”
I tried to smile but I couldn’t dispel the old fears that were never far away.
The rest of the day went by far too quickly. Aaron and I worked together in the kitchen making his traditional Christmas dinner while he kept a close eye on me to make sure I didn’t ruin anything.
I was so happy just being with him. I completely forgot to call my grandparents until Grandma Ruth reached me on my cell phone late that afternoon.
“Gracie, honey, there you are. I was starting to worry about you. Are you okay?”
I glanced at my watch, saw the time, and closed my eyes. I was a terrible granddaughter. I’d forgotten to call my grandparents on Christmas Day to wish them well.
“Oh, Gran, I’m so sorry. I just lost track of the time. Aaron and I were having dinner together, and I guess I just didn’t realize it was getting so late until now.”
“I know, honey,” Grandma Ruth confirmed. “How was your Christmas with Aaron?”
I became aware of all the things Grandma Ruth would be reading into my being with Aaron. I was very conscious of him sitting beside me on the floor. All of the lights were out except for the fire in the fireplace and the Christmas tree as night descended on the day.
“Fine. Good, in fact. How about your and Grandpa’s Christmas?” My words sounded so forced that Aaron glanced curiously at me. I only shook my head, trying to appear casual.
“Your grandfather and I had dinner at the church with some of the members of the congregation who were alone this year. It was such a blessing, Gracie. I wish you could have been there. We sure did miss you.”
“Me too, Gran. But you know I’ll be home for the New Year’s Eve party, right?”
“Of course I do, baby. Now I want to talk to Aaron.”
