Stirring Up Trouble

by Juli Alexander

  “I’m with you,” I said. “Disturbing them is definitely something I can play along with. Even if it means kissing you.” I felt so totally brave to have teased him like that.

  “You like it, too,” he accused. “So it’s pretty much win-win.”

  “Except for Anya who’s still mad at me.”

  “She can get over it,” he said. “She and Brad are a couple now. She doesn’t own me.”

  “She thinks so,” I muttered.

  “I thought you guys weren’t speaking. Why’d she come by the house?”

  “Because she’s my mom’s biggest fan. She’d rather speak to me than miss out on a decorating project.”

  “So if you’re in, let’s do it tomorrow.”

  “What exactly?”

  “We’ll get caught making out by my mom and your dad. We can make it look all hot and heavy. Really give ’em something to think about.”

  “I can do hot and heavy.”

  We’d reached my sidewalk. Mrs. MacGregor and Snowball were getting the mail.

  “Hi,” I greeted.

  “Hello, Zoe,” Mrs. MacGregor said. She continued down the path to her house. Snowball chased leaves and bugs in her wake.

  “We had a kitten that used to do that,” Jake said.

  “Oh. Yeah. Snowball’s a really young cat.”

  We reached my porch. I wanted to ask him if we should practice a little, but I didn’t want him to know I wanted to. Especially since he thought I was in love with him.

  “I guess,” he said, fidgeting, “that we should try it once just to be sure, you know... ”

  “Okay,” I said. Watching him feel awkward rocked. “But what about your dog?”

  “Sit, Indiana,” he said.

  I backed against the railing as he approached. Indiana wasn’t sitting, but I wasn’t going to mention it. For not having a boyfriend, I sure was doing a lot of kissing lately.

  That was the last coherent thought I had because his lips brushed mine and my brain completely shut down.

  “Okay,” Anya said on the phone later. “I’m sorry. I know I’ve been obnoxious, but it’s just weird thinking of you with Jake.”

  Why did I answer? I flopped back on my bed. “We aren’t dating, Anya.”

  “Whatever. The three of us used to do everything together. Now, you guys are pals, and it’s like it doesn’t even matter that I’m not there.”

  “That’s your choice, Anya. You broke up with Jake. And you’ve been avoiding me.”

  “I know. And Brad is so great. I liked having Jake as a backup, I guess.”

  Jake would be so flattered. “He’s a person too, Anya.”

  “He’s not a person. He’s my ex. I have like dibs on him.”

  “I don’t think that’s how it works. Mom sure doesn’t have dibs on my dad. Not that she’d want them.”

  “That is so weird that your dad is dating his mom. I don’t know how you can stand it.”

  “I don’t have a choice.” But I was working on it.

  “Well, I’ve decided that I’m going to try to have an open mind about your friendship with Jake. I mean I do have Brad, after all.”

  Did she want me to thank her? “Good. I’d better go.” If you can’t say something nice…

  “Okay. See you tomorrow.”

  I snapped the phone shut. Had she always been such a pain in the butt?

  Dad and Anya were both coming for the reveal at 5:30. Jake and I planned to be caught making out right before that. We hadn’t decided where. We wanted maximum exposure for Dad and his mom. Why not throw it right in their faces?

  We went to my house first to kill time. At 4:00 we headed over to his house. The work was done and most of the people had cleared out. The producer and three others would stay for the reveal, but it looked like everyone had been given a break.

  “Cool,” Jake said. “No one’s here. Let’s grab a snack.”

  I’d forgotten how much he eats. I led the way to the kitchen, comfortable in the knowledge that there was no way that my father could possibly be in there kissing his mother.

  What I saw was even worse.

  My mom and Dave stood together in a liplock.

  “Man, you have got to be kidding me!” Jake exclaimed.

  Mom pulled away and Dave started apologizing. To me. To Jake. To Mom.

  “Mother!” I wasn’t sure if I could take much more.

  “Zoe,” Mom said. “Dave, I’ll take care of this. Why don’t you go,” she motioned helplessly, “somewhere else.”

  “I’d better walk my dog,” Jake mumbled and left.

  “What is it with this kitchen?” I demanded.

  Mom ushered me into the dining room.

  “What? Honey? I’m sorry. There really isn’t anything going on. I just had a weak moment there. Dave has been trying to convince me to go out with him, but he’s too young.”

  “Yeah,” I agreed, stopping just inside the doorway. “He’s thirty. You’re forty-five. He’s as close to my age as he is to yours.”

  “Oh. God.” Mom looked sick. “I hadn’t even thought of that.”

  I felt bad for making her feel like some kind of pervert. She was showing all the remorse I’d wanted from Dad the day before. “Just tell me the truth. If you’re dating him, I want to know.” I didn’t really mind her dating, just not in my face.

  “I’m not.” She pulled me close and gave me a quick hug. “We aren’t. It was a momentary lapse.”

  “Well if you decide to make it more than momentary, tell me.”

  “I will. I mean I won’t decide that, but I will let you know if anything changes.” She sighed. “He’s so handsome.”

  “I’m the teenager with raging hormones, Mom,” I said with a lighter tone. “Not you.”

  “Don’t say that.” She flinched and shook her head as if to clear the image from her mind. “I can’t handle the idea of raging hormones in either one of us.”

  “And you think I can?”

  “I’m sorry, Zoe. I didn’t mean to make your life harder.”

  “I know, Mom.” I shrugged. “Besides, I might be making yours harder soon.”

  She narrowed her eyes. “Care to expound on that?”

  “No. Not yet.”

  “Okay.” She kissed the top of my head. “I’ll be here when you’re ready.”

  “I know.”

  Mom glanced behind her into the kitchen. “I guess I should talk to Dave.”

  Anya brought Brad and Camille to watch the reveal. That kind of irked me, especially after the PDA plans were ruined. I mean we didn’t have room for three people plus my dad plus me plus the crew and Jake and both our moms.

  It was good to see Camille though. Except that she had some bad news.

  “Brad’s giving me the creeps,” Camille said when we had a second alone. Well, not alone but surrounded only by adults.

  “Brad? Why?” I asked.

  “He’s always looking at me when he should be looking at Anya.” She shuddered, sending her dangling earrings swaying.

  “You think he likes you?” I whispered.

  “Yes.” She grimaced. “Or he just likes to look at me. What do I do?”

  “Run and hide,” I said. “Anya will be furious.”

  “I didn’t do anything,” she said, her voice coming close to a whine.

  “I was kinda kidding.” I backed out of the way for a lighting guy to pass. “Maybe you should just stay away from them for a while.”

  She could be right. Brad did tend to move through girlfriends pretty quickly.

  Jake loved his room. He wasn’t all gushy and excited like a girl would be, but I could tell he loved it. Mom had placed his bed on the far wall and put in a blue and brown striped sofa. A series of sliding panels covered the entertainment center. The room looked more like an apartment than a bedroom. Mom was proud. Sheree and Dad acted all happy but I think they wanted everyone gone so they could make out.

  Jake called me later.

  “I gue
ss Mom ruined our little show.” I was starting to wonder if fate was trying to tell us something.

  “Sure did,” he said.

  “It probably wasn’t a good idea anyway.” That’s what I get for trying to get as much action as my parents.

  “Maybe not, but we’re still doing it.”

  Thank God! “We are?” I think my voice gave me away.

  “Yeah,” he said. “I’m taking you to the fall dance.”

  A week from Friday. “Shouldn’t you ask me first?”

  “Will you go to the fall dance with me and then make out with me until we scare the hell out of our parents?”

  “Gee.” I grinned into the phone. “When you put it that way...”

  “It’ll be fun.” He paused, then added. “Plus, I want you to go with me.”

  “You do?” My heart pitter-pattered.

  “Yeah.”

  I was afraid my face would split I was smiling so big. “Okay.” It would be fun. Fun to torment our parents. Fun to dance with Jake. Even more fun to make out with him.

  “Plus, Anya is so into Brad, she can’t possibly give you a hard time about it.”

  Anya and Brad. Oh God! I couldn’t let Brad break up with Anya. “Right,” I said.

  “And tell your mom thanks.”

  I smiled. She’d like that. “I will. See ya’ tomorrow.”

  “’Kay,” he said.

  I just sat there on my bed staring at my cell. I wanted that dance. I deserved that dance.

  I glanced at the laptop where I stored my potion recipes. I was going to have that dance no matter what it took.

  Keeping Anya busy had to be my first priority. Twenty minutes later, I’d identified the best option. A two-week love potion. It was potent, so I could spray it on Brad as he walked by. First, I’d definitely need to give myself an antidote. I didn’t want to accidentally fall in love with some idiot by my own hand. Especially since Brad would be the first person I’d see and falling in love with Brad would be beyond ridiculous.

  “Can you pick up some fat free margarine today?” I asked Mom on my way out the door the next morning.

  She eyed me with suspicion. “Why?”

  “Just, you know, research,” I said, not meeting her eyes. How did she always know when I was up to no good?

  “All right. I’ll pick some up.” She scribbled on the magnetic grocery list on the fridge.

  On Friday morning, I tracked Brad and Anya to a concrete bench outside at lunch.

  “You guys make such a cute couple,” I said. For a split second, I almost reconsidered. Dad and I were invited to watch the game at Jake’s tomorrow night. I wanted to go, but I wanted the dance more.

  “Thanks.” Anya expected such as her due. She tossed her hair and edged closer to Brad.

  “Hold hands and I’ll take your picture.” If he was touching her, the potion would automatically make him fall in love with her.

  Brad took her hand and put his arm around her. I pulled out my phone and snapped the picture. “Oh my God. What’s Jake doing with her?” I said looking over their heads.

  Anya and Brad turned to look behind them and I squirted a couple of drops on Brad’s arm from a water gun full of Love Potion. He swiped at his arm, but didn’t pay much attention.

  “Very funny, Zoe,” Anya said, turning back to me.

  “Sorry. My mistake.” I holstered my weapon, or actually put it in my purse, and walked away from them as quickly as possible. Mission accomplished.

  “She’s acting so weird lately,” Anya said.

  “I thought she was always weird,” I heard Brad say. I knew I didn’t like that guy. If he didn’t watch it, I’d have to pull out that vomit trump card after all.

  Everything seemed to be on track because I had sprouted three black hairs from my chin by the time I got home.

  Mom looked up from the magazine she was reading and shook her head. “I had a feeling,” she said. “Love potion?”

  “Yeah, but not for Jake. I slipped one to Brad so he’d keep dating Anya. I was afraid he’d dump her before the dance.”

  I looked at my chin in the mirror over the couch. The hairs were already two inches long.

  “I wonder why there are three of them,” Mom mused. “I guess you could braid them. Maybe put on some beads.”

  “Mother! That’s so not funny!” I could totally picture the humiliation of sporting a beaded beard.

  “You could start a new trend.”

  “Mother!”

  “Don’t call me that.”

  “What? Mother?”

  “You only say that when you’re mad.” She leaned in to peer at my chin. “I’m assuming you have a plan.”

  I nodded. “I do.”

  “Care to share?”

  “Not yet. But I need a ride in the morning to the other side of town. And if everything works out, I’m going with Dad to a party at Sheree’s tomorrow night.”

  “Okay. But you’ll tell me in the morning.”

  I flopped onto the couch next to her. “Right now I just want to relax and veg in front of the television.”

  It took me a while to get ready. But I needed an early start, so I woke Mom up at seven, ready to go.

  I backed away from her bed and tapped her with one of my latex covered hands. Mom rolled over, saw me, and shrieked.

  “As if you’re so pretty with all that cream on your face,” I muttered through the blue bandana tied over my nose and mouth. “C’mon, Mom. Let’s get this over with before I chicken out.”

  “Don’t wave that toilet brush at me, Zoe.”

  I made a threatening gesture with the offending item.

  Mom sat up in bed and scooted back against the headboard. “From your costume, I’m guessing your plan involves either handling nuclear waste or cleaning bathrooms.”

  I shrugged. “Same dif.”

  Mom raised a brow. “Tell me.”

  “We head across town and I clean the bathrooms in fast food restaurants and gas stations until my chin clears up.”

  “Oh my God!” She shuddered. “You weren’t that bad, Zoe. Surely, we can think of something else. Something with fewer bodily fluids and less disease.”

  “Mom, I have to do this quickly. And it cannot benefit me in any way.”

  Mom sighed. “Have you eaten?”

  “No,” I admitted. “I figured I’d just barf it right up anyway.”

  “Okay,” Mom said, fully awake. “Go eat some cereal and I’ll make a few calls. Maybe we can drum up some dirty bathrooms that are less likely to result in death by infectious disease.”

  Chapter Eight

  “Mrs. Lovette,” Mom said, pulling up to the curb in front of her friend Alice’s house. “She’s got three boys and works full time. At least you’ll be dealing with little kid pee instead of truck driver pee.”

  “True,” I said. I adjusted the adhesive bandage which hid my shame. Mom had ordered me to take off the bandana. “I’ll call when I’m done.”

  “Love you, honey,” Mom called as I got out of the car.

  One little, short-acting, love potion, and I’m up to my elbows in human waste. Ain’t life grand.

  When Mrs. Lovette opened the door, she greeted me with a warm smile. “Hi, Zoe. It’s so great that your service organization wants to help working mothers clean house. But you really don’t have to do the bathrooms.” She eyed my toilet brush. “Picking up the boys’ rooms would be a huge help.”

  Then, a dog ran by her followed by three small boys shouting at the top of their lungs. The screaming faded as they ran for a distant part of the house.

  “Our advisor is fresh out of college. She likes to think outside the box,” I explained, using the excuse Mom and I had cooked up.

  “You know,” the heavy-set woman said, stepping back so I could enter. “They should use this as sex ed. Cleaning my house will probably convince you never to have kids.” She grinned.

  I laughed, but the kids came running by again, (this time one carried a baseb
all bat), and Mrs. Lovette shut the door and ran off after them.

  She ended up taking the boys and dog to the backyard. I picked up enough toys to open a chain of toy stores. Then, I dusted and vacuumed. After mopping the kitchen, I headed for the bathrooms.

  Toilets are my least favorite things in the world. Necessary, yes, but totally nasty.

  I cleaned the master bath with little effort. But, when I reached the hall bathroom, I realized exactly why this was going to work on the unfortunate side effect of my potion. I lifted the toilet seat to find a crystallized yellow coating—dried urine. Barf. The base of the toilet was similarly decorated. The worst part was the screws that attached the seat. They were rusted from all the pee.

  Oh, God. I fought the nausea, quickly finished cleaning the toilet, and washed my hands with soap for about twenty minutes. Then, I had to go to the third bathroom downstairs which was almost as bad.

  Mrs. Lovette thanked me by hugging me until I couldn’t breathe. She tried to give me a twenty, which I declined. Then, she walked me two doors down and introduced me to her neighbor.

  Only one little boy lived here, and he was a cutie. But he also had a penchant for peeing all over the bathroom.

  It suddenly struck me that Jake’s bathroom could be this gross. I swear it was almost enough to end my crush. Almost.

  The little boy followed me around as I cleaned.

  “Do you have a boo boo on your face?” he asked, pointing to the adhesive bandage which covered my three new hairs.

  “Uh, no,” I said.

  “Did your cat scratch you?” He held up his arms to show me what must have been where his cat had scratched him.

  “Ooh. Those look like they hurt.” I motioned to my chin. “It’s just a zit,” I said, figuring that was the most normal thing to say.

  “What’s a zit?” he asked.

  I guess preschoolers don’t know zits. “It’s just bumps you get when you’re a teenager. They’re no big deal.”