by Maya Banks
“I did too,” Michael said in a strained voice.
“Then what is this?” she asked, thrusting her hand forward.
Seth swore. “One of them must have broken.” He hurried toward the trash can just a few feet away and stared down. Then he gingerly pulled one out and stared back at Lily with regret and apology in his eyes.
“It broke, honey,” he said in a low voice. “One of them broke. I’m sorry.”
She bolted for the bathroom, went inside and locked the door. She turned on the shower, knowing in her heart it didn’t matter, there was nothing she could do now. But still, she climbed into the shower and scrubbed until she was nearly raw, wiping away as much of the semen as she could.
How could she be sure the birth control was already effective? It was why she’d insisted they wear condoms. She couldn’t—wouldn’t—take the chance. What if it didn’t work?
Oh God, she couldn’t be pregnant. Surely fate wouldn’t be that cruel.
As the water poured over her, she sank to her knees, her tears mixing with the heat and steam. She weakly gathered the washcloth in her hand and scrubbed again in a futile effort to remove the semen deposited into her body.
She bowed her head, her shoulders shaking as long-held grief and guilt boiled to the surface, exploding outward.
“Lily. Lily!”
“Dear God.”
“Get her out of the shower.”
“Lily, honey, you have to stop. You’re rubbing yourself raw.”
Strong hands gripped her shoulders and another hand gripped her wrist, pulling upward and forcing her to drop the soaked washcloth.
They carried her from the shower. Someone turned off the water, and she was enveloped by warm towels.
She didn’t know who had her, who dried her or who spoke to her. She was lost. Adrift in mind-shattering pain and grief that had been too long locked under a shield of numbness.
They dried her body and her hair. One even dressed her in a loose fitting T-shirt. All the while they spoke in low urgent tones, asking—pleading with her to tell them what was wrong.
“I just want to be alone,” she finally managed in a voice ravaged by tears. “Please,” she whispered. “Just leave me alone for a little while.”
They weren’t happy. She sensed their frustration and their helplessness, but at the moment, she couldn’t think about comforting them when she herself was inconsolable.
One by one they disappeared, and she wandered into the bedroom, closing the door behind her. She curled onto the bed, her heart so heavy and broken that she closed her eyes and prayed for oblivion.
“Son of a bitch. Son of a bitch,” Seth swore as he paced back and forth in the living room. He balled his fist and rammed it into the wall in helpless fury.
“What the fuck just happened here?” Michael demanded.
Dillon swore and rubbed his hand over his hair then over his face as he blew out his breath. “This is bad. This is really bad. She was so adamant that we wear condoms. She said she didn’t want to get pregnant. I accepted that. But this goes much deeper.”
“She’s never once hinted at her past,” Michael said. “We haven’t pushed her—haven’t wanted to. I think I was afraid to. And maybe I thought we could just move on and if we made her happy now it was enough. But goddamn it, we can’t go on like this.”
Seth shook his head. “I was content to be patient. I know she’s had a lot of hurt in her life. I told her I’d wait until she trusted me enough to tell me what happened and why she was homeless.”
“We can’t go on like this. She can’t go on like this,” Michael said again. “We have to know what we’re dealing with here. We can’t go forward until we’ve addressed the past—whatever it is.”
“Did you see her?” Seth asked hoarsely. “Did you see her? She’d checked out. She was here but wasn’t. She was caught in some horrible nightmare that only she knows about. And goddamn it, I can’t help her if I don’t know how.”
“Give her time. Just a little. We’ll do as she begged. For now,” Dillon said grimly. “But tomorrow this stops. If I have to sit on her, we’re going to find out what’s hurting her so much.”
Lily stared out the window from her position on the bed. Dawn was slowly creeping over the horizon. She hadn’t slept. Hadn’t been able to do anything more than lie there and exist in another time and another place. Her sins lay at her feet. Unavoidable.
She stirred and her full bladder protested. She considered lying there longer, but her need became more persistent until finally she got up and shuffled into the bathroom.
When she was done, she walked back into the bedroom and dismissed the bed, suddenly hating it and the comfort it offered. Quietly, she walked toward the living room, stopping a moment when she saw the three men sprawled at intervals on the couch and in the chairs.
The ache inside her heart intensified, and she crept by on soundless feet, still clad in only the T-shirt they’d put on her the night before.
At the back door, she pushed at the sliding glass door and shivered as the cool morning breeze blew over her skin. She stepped outside, her feet bare, and looked around with disinterest.
Her focus sharpened as she saw the wooden bench perched under an aspen tree several feet away from the deck she stood on. She walked mechanically, stopping in front to stare at the faded wood.
She turned again and eased down, her hands sliding across the rough surface before curling around the edges so tight her knuckles went white.
How long she sat there, she wasn’t sure. She focused on the distant mountaintop and the rugged terrain surrounding her, trying to absorb the peace that seemed so prevalent no matter which direction she looked.
Then she looked heavenward as tears she didn’t think she had to shed stung and crowded the corners of her eyes. “Please,” she whispered. “I can’t go through that again. If you’re listening, please. I’m so sorry. I don’t deserve forgiveness, but please give me your mercy.”
The sun gleamed, a bright orb that hung over the horizon, creeping higher with each passing second. The rays bathed her in warmth and yet nothing could fill the empty, aching void inside her.
“Lily, my God, what the hell are you doing out here?”
She turned to see Dillon hurrying out, Seth and Michael hot on his heels.
“You’re going to freeze to death,” Michael bit out. “You aren’t dressed, for God’s sake.”
Seth knelt in front her and took her cold hands in his. “Honey, you have to come inside. Please. We need to talk about this. We can’t help you if we don’t know what’s going on.”
He went blurry in front of her as tears streaked silently down her face. He rubbed them gently away, his eyes so filled with worry that she flinched.
Without another word, without asking or demanding, he simply scooped her into his arms and carried her back toward the house. He took her into the living room, placed her on the sofa and immediately enveloped her in the warmth of a blanket.
Dillon and Michael stood a mere foot away, concern etched into their brows.
She hugged her legs to her chest and rocked back and forth, praying for the strength to tell them what she’d hidden so deep inside her heart for so long.
They deserved to know. She should have told them long before now. They might not want her after they knew the truth. She’d been too involved in the fantasy—in the utter joy and contentment she’d found in their relationship.
But it couldn’t last. The past always caught up no matter how hard or fast you ran.
Michael slid onto the couch beside her. Dillon took the other side and Seth hunkered down in front of her, his gaze imploring her to talk to them.
“I was married before,” she began in a faltering voice.
She saw the surprise in their expressions, but they remained quiet, waiting for her to continue.
“I was an art student, not far from graduation. I was different. Did my own thing. Loved painting and drawing. Didn’t pay a lo
t of attention to the world around me. I met Charles in my senior year. He seemed wildly attracted to me. Loved my quirks and my idiosyncrasies.”
She took in a deep breath. “Before I knew it, I found myself pregnant. I was young and irresponsible. I was scared to death to tell Charles. He was older. Had an established, well-paying job as a financial planner. I needn’t have worried. He was thrilled. He wanted to marry me, and I thought it was the right thing to do. I was half in love with him and warmed to the thought of us being a family.
“He insisted I quit school. He didn’t approve of my career choice or my desire to paint and said there was no need since he could provide for me and the baby. He wanted a housewife. The perfect wife and mother to keep up his home, cook his meals and be a companion to dinners and parties.
“I loved to cook and was too young and infatuated to balk at putting aside my art. The few times I dabbled at home, he was dismissive of my efforts and frowned upon it taking time from my real duties.”
“He sounds like a first-rate jackass,” Dillon growled.
She smiled faintly. “I had a good pregnancy until the end. I was diagnosed with preeclampsia and had to be on bed rest the last few weeks before I delivered. I was tired and worn out and worried sick that something would happen to my baby. Charles was working long hours and so I was alone a lot in the house.
“I went into labor and delivered a perfectly healthy baby girl. Rose,” she said softly. “I named her Rose because she was like a perfect bloom in the spring when the petals are so vibrant and start to unfurl.
“I had a long delivery and was exhausted. They sent me home after two days but I never seemed to catch up. It was a whole new world to me. Suddenly I didn’t just have the house and the cooking. I had this new baby who was dependent on me twenty-four, seven. I breastfed her and sometimes she ate around the clock, it seemed.
“I remember thinking if I could just have one night’s rest. Or even just a nap. Just a few hours where I could sleep that I’d be okay. That I could make it. Charles was working even longer hours. He was never at home. One night he came in at ten and I begged him to take the baby just for a few hours so I could sleep. He told me that he had an early meeting the next morning and that since he worked and I didn’t, the baby was my responsibility.”
“Jesus Christ,” Seth muttered.
“I existed that way for eight weeks. Eight of the longest weeks of my life. I drifted from feeding to feeding, diaper change to diaper change. She didn’t sleep at night and she was fussy during the day. There were days I cried while trying to quiet her because I was so desperate and I didn’t know what to do. What kind of mother can’t even comfort her own child? I didn’t realize at the time that she was feeding off my stress and anxiety.”
Dillon’s hand slipped to her nape and massaged, offering her silent comfort.
“There was one night in particular that I didn’t sleep the entire night. She cried and fussed, and I rocked and soothed. Charles went to the downstairs guestroom so he wouldn’t be disturbed.
“The next day I was desperate for a nap. I was so happy when after I nursed her, I managed to get her to sleep in her crib. I remember staring down at her and thinking, thank you, God.
“And then I laid down on the loveseat in her nursery. I just wanted thirty minutes. Maybe an hour if she slept that long.”
Tears streamed down her cheeks, and her throat swelled so much she could barely manage to get the words out. “I was just so tired. I needed just a few minutes. I couldn’t do it any longer. Just a few minutes.
“I woke up when Charles came in. He’d worried because he didn’t hear either of us. I was horrified at how long I’d slept and that Rose was still asleep in her crib. I remember scrambling off the couch feeling guilty because I hadn’t cooked. I hadn’t cleaned. I went over to check on Rose and she was completely still.”
“Oh God,” Michael breathed. “Oh God, Lily.”
“She was dead,” Lily choked out. “She’d been dead for at least an hour they later said. While I slept on the couch, my baby died. I killed her. Oh my God, I killed her because I wasn’t awake. I didn’t hear her. I wasn’t there when she needed me.”
She dropped her face to her knees as sobs racked her body. They poured from her chest, tearing at her raw throat.
“He blamed me. He yelled at me. I stood there by the crib while he dialed 911, and he screamed at me the entire time that I’d let her die. How dare I go to sleep? How could I do this to our child?
“And I just stared at her, so numb, so disconnected. I couldn’t believe it. I touched her and she was cold. Her skin was already stiff. But still, I tried. I took her out and I performed CPR. I wouldn’t stop. I couldn’t accept that she was gone.
“The paramedics got there and I could tell by their faces that they knew, but I’d started CPR and they had to continue and I rode in that ambulance, knowing the whole time that she couldn’t be saved.
“Charles was so angry. He couldn’t forgive me for what I’d done. I couldn’t forgive myself. I went through the motions of her funeral. I dressed her myself. I couldn’t bear the thought of someone else touching her. I put her favorite blanket with her and her little stuffed bear that I’d brought home from the hospital.
“I remember watching, so detached as they lowered her tiny casket into the grave. Charles was so furious. He couldn’t even look at me. When we drove home, he tossed divorce papers at me and told me to sign. He wouldn’t stay married to a woman who took so little care of her child.
“I signed them and I walked out. I kept walking. I didn’t know where. It didn’t matter. Everything that mattered to me in my life was gone.”
“Sweet Mother of God,” Seth swore.
“That son of a bitch,” Dillon bit out. “That goddamn worthless son of a bitch.”
She jumped at the vehemence in his voice and huddled further into the blankets.
Michael was tightlipped. There was so much fury in his eyes that Lily had to look away. Anger vibrated from them in waves.
“Lily,” Seth began. He had to break off and look away for a moment while he visibly collected himself. “Lily, honey, it wasn’t your fault. God almighty, it wasn’t your fault.”
“I was responsible for her,” Lily whispered. “If I hadn’t gone to sleep. If I had been watching her. Crib death, they called it. But if I’d been there, I might have prevented it. I slept while my daughter died.”
The last ended in a keening wail as grief swelled up in her throat and burst outward in an agonizing wave. Tears poured over her cheeks.
Seth yanked her into his arms and rocked her back and forth, holding her so tightly that she couldn’t breathe around her sobs and his grasp.
“It wasn’t your fault, baby. It wasn’t your fault.”
He rocked her until her sobs were spent. She lay limply against him, all her strength gone. Slowly and carefully he leaned her back against the couch and Dillon wrapped his arm around her.
Dillon nudged her chin until she was forced to look at him. There was terrible grief in his eyes—and anger. “Lily, listen to me and listen good. That son of bitch ex-husband of yours is a worthless piece of shit. He should have helped you. He should have been taking care of his daughter just as much if not more than you in those early days when you were so exhausted and beaten down. There is no excuse for him to have abdicated his responsibility. I don’t give a goddamn if he was president of the fucking world. His first and only responsibility was to you and to his child. Full stop. No excuses.
“And furthermore that the son of a bitch actually had the balls to blame you—to blame you—for Rose’s death just proves what a worthless piece of crap he is. Baby, you were at your breaking point. You took a nap. I don’t know of a mom alive who hasn’t slept while their baby naps. I can remember my mother laying down when Callie went down for her naps. She didn’t stand guard over Callie’s crib watching her every breath. You can’t do that. You aren’t a machine. You should have had help. You
r husband damn well should have supported you. He’s a fucking coward and it was his guilt that made him lash out at you. He blamed you because he knew what a fuck-up he was.”
“I just wanted to rest. Just for a little while. Oh God, Dillon, I couldn’t take it anymore. I was so tired. Why did she have to die? Why?”
Tears seeped into Dillon’s shirt as he hugged her to him.
“I don’t know, baby. I wish I had the answers. What I do know is that it wasn’t your fault. You weren’t to blame. Sometimes babies die and there’s not a damn thing you can do about it. Even if you had been standing by her crib, she would have died. Crib death is a silent killer. There’s no explanation. It just happens.”
She closed her eyes against his chest, wanting his comfort even though she felt unworthy of it.
“So you were on the streets? All that time?” Michael asked, his tone tight with anger. “The son of a bitch never looked for you? Never made sure you were provided for?”
“I just wanted to be away from the pain,” she said in a quiet voice. “I’m the coward. It was the only way I could turn it off. I didn’t want to go back. I didn’t want to live. So I existed. Day to day. On the streets where nothing matters. No one cares who you are. They don’t care what your sins are or what your past is. You’re just another nameless, faceless person that nobody ever sees.”
“Oh God no, baby,” Michael whispered as he pulled her from Dillon’s embrace into his own. “You’re not a coward. You’re one of the bravest goddamn people I know. How you survived is a miracle, but I’m so damn grateful because it brought you to me—to us. And we’re not letting go of you, Lily. I don’t know what the hell you’re thinking right now, but we’re not letting you go. We’re going to be right here. With you. Always. We’ll work through this. You’ll always have us to take care of you. You’ll always have us to depend on.”
“Always,” Seth quietly confirmed.
She stirred and raised her head, taking in each of their expressions. Their eyes burned with purpose and intensity.
“You want me?” she asked in a creaky, incredulous voice. “After what I’ve told you, you want me?”
