Making Me Believe

by Osbourne, Kirsten

When they got back, he got in the shower, and she changed into a sleep shirt and climbed into bed. She couldn’t believe that she could feel more alone with him in the next room than she had in all the years she’d been single. She turned her back to the bathroom door, and lay staring at the wall, tears slowly falling.

  Alex didn’t even look to see if she was awake when he got out of the shower. He just got into bed and turned his back to her.

  *****

  They finished up the packing Thursday night, and she spent Friday at the laundromat as always. She washed his clothes along with hers, reading while waiting for the loads to wash and dry. He spent the night loading boxes into the back of his truck so that they’d be ready to unpack first thing in the morning.

  She hadn’t asked about the photo again, and he hadn’t brought it up. She had no idea what he’d done with it after they returned to her apartment.

  There was a new tension between them. She wasn’t sure if it was in her mind, but it certainly didn’t seem to be. He wasn’t nearly as affectionate as he’d been. He seemed to have retreated to the other side of an invisible wall that she couldn’t get behind. Whoever the woman was, Rose knew that she meant a lot to Alex. Why hadn’t he married her?

  She looked up as he joined her in the laundromat. “Hi.”

  He smiled absently and walked over to kiss her cheek, hoisting himself up on the counter next to her. “I’ve got the truck completely loaded. We’ll be able to drop it off as soon as we sign the papers on the new apartment in the morning.”

  She looked up at him, admiring how he looked with his five o clock shadow across his cheek. She missed the emotional closeness they’d had until she asked him about the photo. She leaned into him and rested her cheek against his shoulder. “It’s been a long week.”

  He wrapped his arm around her. “It has. I’m exhausted. We’ve both been putting in full days at work, and then another full day at home in the evening. I can’t wait until everything is unpacked. It’s going to feel like we’re on vacation.”

  They hadn’t made love since that evening at his apartment. They’d both been busy and exhausted, but she couldn’t help but feel that he would have made the effort if it hadn’t been for the picture. She just couldn’t get it out of her mind.

  She got up to check the laundry after the dryers stopped. Everything was dry, so she pulled the items out one by one and folded or put them on hangers. Alex got up and helped her. They each took a basket and carried them back to her apartment. They hung the clothes in her closet, but left the folded clothes in the baskets. They’d just move it that way the following morning.

  She changed into her night shirt and climbed between the sheets as he showered. She lay awake reading, waiting for him.

  When he stepped into the bedroom wearing a towel wrapped around his lean hips, he saw that she was lying awake. He dropped the towel and climbed between the sheets beside her. She put the book onto her nightstand and turned to him. She reached out a hand tentatively, touching his shoulder, wondering if he’d take that as the invitation she intended it to be.

  He brought her hand to his lips and kissed it softly. He pulled her to him and ran his hands over her soft curves. He made love to her sweetly, but something seemed to be missing to her. He touched her and kissed her and loved her, but there was just something different that she couldn’t put her fingers on.

  For the first time, she didn’t fall asleep in his arms after.

  Chapter 8

  The move went smoothly. They were finished by early afternoon on Saturday, and both apartments were cleaned and keys turned it by late Sunday morning.

  Alex and Rose drove to Sarah’s house in the south part of Arlington that evening. When they arrived, Alex joined Clark in the living room playing with Justin. Rose wandered into the kitchen to help Sarah with the meal.

  She was in the process of peeling a small mountain of potatoes and Rose picked up a knife to help her.

  “Why don’t you look happy?” Sarah asked.

  Rose shrugged. “I’m just tired. We orchestrated a move and packed millions of boxes in a week. Just cleaning Alex’s apartment was the work of eight women.”

  Sarah laughed. “It was awful. I know. Before Justin was born, I used to go over and clean it weekly. After he came along, I just didn’t have the time anymore.” She cut up a couple of potatoes and plopped them into a huge pot of hot water. “That’s not what I meant though. You do look tired, but there’s sadness there, too. What’s wrong in honeymoon land?”

  Rose fought an internal battle. Should she ask Sarah about the picture? Or should she just wait for Alex to tell her what happened? She needed to know. Maybe what she found out wouldn’t be a good thing, but anything had to be better than not knowing anything at all.

  “When we were packing up Alex’s apartment, I found a picture,” Rose told her.

  The way Rose spoke told Sarah who it was, but still she asked. “Red hair? Brown eyes? Beautiful?”

  Rose nodded. “Who is she?”

  “Her name was Jill.” Sarah looked down as she answered the question. Alex should have told Rose all of this. But he hadn’t, and Rose had a right to know.

  “Was?” Rose raised an eyebrow.

  “She was killed in a car wreck two years ago.”

  “Was she Alex’s girlfriend?” Rose asked.

  “She was his fiancé. She died a month before the wedding. She was hit by a drunk driver,” Sarah said.

  Rose looked down. “He still loves her.” Rose had known from the moment that she asked about the photo that he loved the girl in it. He’d have talked about it otherwise.

  Sarah shook her head. “He wouldn’t have married you if he still loved her. He wouldn’t have done that. He spent a long time not able to even smile, but in the past year he’s been laughing and joking again. He hadn’t mentioned another woman until he came here two weeks ago. He was so distracted. I kept teasing him about being twitterpated. Like in Bambi.”

  Rose shrugged. “He’s been different since I asked him about the picture. It’s like he’s built a wall between us. What was she like?”

  Sarah was silent for a moment while she thought about how to answer that question. “Well, she was beautiful, but you already know that. Alex was wrapped around her little finger.” She paused for a moment moving the pot of potatoes onto the stove and turning the burner on high. “Alex had a blind spot where Jill was concerned. She was extremely self-centered. The wedding plans were a nightmare. You know all those TV shows with Bridezillas? They were based on Jill.”

  Rose’s eyes widened. “Are you saying that just to make me feel better?” Why would Alex have fallen for a girl like that?

  Sarah shook her head. “Alex would strangle me if he knew I was saying this at all.” She turned to look at Rose fully. “She wasn’t going to let me be in the wedding until she found out that I was pregnant. When she realized I’d be around six months along for the wedding, then I was in. She came right out and told me that only fat and ugly women could be in the wedding party. They’d make her look better.”

  “She wasn’t kidding? That sounds like something I would have said as a joke.” Rose was having a hard time believing Alex could have loved a woman like that. He seemed to be so much more grounded.

  “She wasn’t kidding. She was a witch with a capital B. Mom and I tried to talk to Alex about her, but he just got angry. She told him that we were mean to her when he wasn’t around. Finally, Mom and I started to treat her like a princess just to keep Alex from hating us. It worked, but it drove us nuts. I shouldn’t talk badly about her. She’s dead. I don’t have a nice thing to say about her, though. Well, she was beautiful. I guess that’s nice.”

  Rose was silent through dinner as she thought about what Sarah had said.

  As the two women did dishes together after the meal, Rose said, “Please don’t tell Alex that I asked about Jill.”

  Sarah shook her head. “I won’t. If I told him that, I’d have to admit to wha
t I said about her.” She knew she’d have to talk to him about it again eventually, but she wasn’t ready yet.

  Rose nodded. “If you were me, how would you proceed? Should I press him with questions about her, or just let it go? He’s seemed sad and distant since I showed him the picture.”

  Sarah sighed. “I wish I knew the answer to that. I think he probably needs time to think about how he wants to talk about it. No matter what she was, he loved her. And Alex doesn’t do anything halfway.”

  *****

  Tax season was finally over and Rose was able to cut back her obscene hours at work. They’d been married four weeks, and Rose felt like they were drifting further and further apart. She was sure that Alex felt like he’d made a mistake to rush into marriage with her, but she felt just the opposite. She loved him more every day.

  As she started spending more time at home, she realized just how much time he was spending locked away in the home office they’d set up.

  Finally, she asked him what he was doing in there.

  He looked startled. “I’m planning our house. I thought you knew.” He’d worked hard every night to get it just perfect. They’d be ready to look for a home site soon.

  “Really? May I see what you’ve done so far?” she asked tentatively.

  “Of course!” He grabbed her hand and pulled her into the office. “Have you ever looked at a blue print?” he asked.

  “Not really.”

  He pointed out the features that would interest her most. “The master bedroom is here. There are two large walk-in closets. I’ve drawn the bathroom with a separate bath tub and shower. I’ve drawn a separate alcove for the toilet with its own door so that we don’t have to worry about walking in on each other.”

  She nodded. “That bathroom looks huge!” She loved big bathrooms.

  “I thought you’d like that. If you want me to change something, just let me know.”

  “So far so good. How many bedrooms are there total?”

  “Five bedrooms and three baths. I put one bedroom right next to the master. I thought we could use it for a nursery. Then the other bedrooms are across the house for when the kids get older.”

  “So you’re still willing to have five kids?” she asked with a grin. She’d been unsure what he wanted from her for a while.

  “Why wouldn’t I be?” he asked surprised.

  She studied him for a moment wondering if this was the time to bring up how she’d been feeling. “You’ve just seemed a little distant since we got back from Vegas.”

  He pulled her down into his lap. “I’m sorry I’ve seemed that way. I don’t mean to be distant.” She was his whole world. He didn’t want to give any woman the kind of power over him that saying that would, though, so he remained silent.

  “I was starting to worry that you regret our marriage,” she said softly.

  He sighed. “I don’t regret our marriage at all. We got married fast, and need to take time to get to know one another a lot better, but I don’t regret our marriage. I’m sorry that I made you think that.” He hadn’t meant to make her feel insecure. He wanted to kick himself for hurting her that way.

  She snuggled into him, burying her face into his shoulder. She felt like he knew everything in the world about her, but he’d completely closed off a couple years of his life from her. The years with Jill in them. She didn’t want to bring that up now, though. It was too nice to just sit with him and talk about their future.

  “We only really had those two days alone together when we went to Vegas. Since we got back, I feel like all we’ve done is work. How would you feel about taking a long weekend somewhere?” he asked. “I don’t feel like we’ve had the time we need to truly talk. And spend entire days making love of course. We need that.”

  She smiled. “That sounds nice. Where are you thinking about going?”

  “Maybe a cabin on a lake somewhere? I’d rather go in May, before school is out and the family traffic gets in. And before the oppressive Texas heat makes actually being outside not much fun. Unless you’d prefer to go somewhere like Vegas or Branson?”

  “No, a lake sounds great. I like the idea of actually having some time alone. Of course, it means I’ll have to cook a lot more than I usually do, but I’ll live,” she grinned. “Maybe we could find a cabin near a nice restaurant?”

  “We’ll take steaks and I’ll grill out some too. That way all the work doesn’t have to be you.” He liked the idea of doing something for her.

  “Set up the time and place, and let me know as soon as possible. This is a good time of year for me to take off work for a couple of days,” she said.

  “I’ve been meaning to talk to you about that, too. You know, we don’t need the money you make. I can easily support us both and then some. Do you want to start looking around for a location for your book store?” he asked.

  Her eyes widened. “We’ve never really talked about money, but it never occurred to me that would be possible.”

  He smiled. “If you were to save every dime you made, how long would it take before you could get your store?” He knew how much she hated her job. It seemed to drain everything from her. He wouldn’t mind if she wanted to just stay home, but knew that she wasn’t the type who could do that without going insane.

  She thought about that for a minute, doing some mental calculations. “Probably four or five months?”

  “If I could add around $20,000 to your savings? Then how long?” He could add a lot more to it than that, but he knew she had a good chunk already saved.

  “Then I could quit tomorrow,” she said. “But I don’t expect you to do that.” She’d never felt like she should live off him. They didn’t exactly keep their money separate, but she felt like she should pull her own weight.

  “Why not? I can easily do that, and you’d be able to do what you want to do. Would you like to do that right away?” he asked.

  She thought about it for a minute. It never occurred to her that he’d help her open her store, but there was no reason to say no. He was her husband, and any money she made would be shared by them. “Absolutely. I’d love to never have to wear an antenna on my head again,” she told him.

  “Give your two weeks’ notice on Monday then. We’ll scout around for a location for your store. I’m assuming you want to open it here in Arlington?” he asked.

  “I was actually thinking Grand Prairie. Arlington has a couple of used book stores, but there aren’t any in Grand Prairie at all. It wouldn’t be too far from here, and I think I’d drive more traffic into my store that way. There are a couple of empty shops on 303 that I’ve been eyeballing for a while, hoping they wouldn’t be rented out before I was ready.”

  “We’ll drive over there and take a look tomorrow,” he said. “If there’s a place worth having, we’ll lease it. Do you know anything about keeping books for a business?”

  “I’ve never done it, but I’ve done a lot of research on it. I have an idea on how I want to run things. With the amount you’re pitching in, I’ll have enough for operating expenses for the first three months. Hopefully after that, even if I’m not making a lot of money, I can handle the expenses as they come along.”

  “Hopefully we can find something tomorrow. Do I get to build the bookshelves,” he asked with a gleam in his eye. He loved the idea of working with his hands and helping her in the process.

  “Well, I was going to buy cheap ones, but sure! I’ll take all the help I can get!” She waited a moment. “I’ll even see if I can come up with some way to……compensate you for your time.”

  He grinned. “Do I get compensation for offering?”

  She kissed him. “Will that work?”

  He stood and led her into the bedroom. “It’s certainly a good start!”

  *****

  They found the site she wanted to use for her bookstore the following day, and she gave notice on Monday morning. She was thrilled. The next few weeks were full of preparations for the book store. They decided to ope
n on June first, which meant a lot of work had to be done in the meantime.

  They took the second weekend of May to go to the lake. The relaxation and just plain time away from life was refreshing. They left on Friday morning and the plan was to return on Monday evening. They went to a cabin on Lake Fork about a two and a half hour drive from Arlington.

  On Saturday morning, after a good breakfast, Rose finally broached the subject that she hadn’t been able to get out of her mind. “I want to talk to you about something, Alex.”

  He looked up from the book he’d been reading while she showered. “What’s that?”

  She took a deep breath. “I talked to Sarah about the picture that I found in your night stand. She told me about Jill.”

  A shuttered look fell over Alex’s face. “What about her?”

  “I want to know if you’re still in love with her. If you are, I don’t see how we can make our marriage work,” she said honestly. She’d thought long and hard about how she was going to bring this up, and had decided that the direct approach, while more painful at times, was the best approach in this case.

  Alex sighed. “No, I’m not still in love with her. She’s been dead for two years, and I’d just like her to stay that way.”

  “Will you tell me about her? Sarah gave me her opinion and her perspective on everything that happened, but I’d love to hear it all from you. You knew her best.” Rose knew that now that he was starting to talk about it, she needed to press the subject until they got it all out in the open. He laughed at that. “I thought I knew her best. Sarah and Mom both thought I was nuts to want to marry her. They kept telling me that she was a self-centered witch, but I just didn’t see it. Not at first. It just kept making me angrier and angrier that they were so against her.”

  She frowned. “What happened to make you think they were right?”

  He shrugged. “It was never one big thing, more like a lot of little things.

  She always acted like my opinions were important to her, but when we made a decision together regarding the wedding she would go behind my back and change it. She wouldn’t let Sarah be in the wedding, which I really wanted, but then finally, when she found out that Sarah would be showing a great deal at the time of the wedding, she asked Sarah to be in it. One of her other friends was extremely overweight, and lost over fifty pounds. Jill picked a fight with her and took her out of the wedding party.”