by Kat Helgeson
from: John Clifford
to: Genevieve Goldman
date: Saturday, January 24 2:50 AM
subject: RE: seriously gen
so...can we get back together?
from: Genevieve Goldman
to: John Clifford
date: Saturday, January 24 3:01 AM
subject: RE: seriously gen
this is a bullshit conversation.
from: John Clifford
to: Genevieve Goldman
date: Saturday, January 24 3:03 AM
subject: RE: seriously gen
so come over.
from: Genevieve Goldman
to: John Clifford
date: Saturday, January 24 3:06 AM
subject: RE: seriously gen
nah.
hey. i have kind of an obnoxious question.
Shoot
i had a ridiculously shitty night, can you draw me a picture of like...jake on a llama or something.
On a llama??
I mean, I guess. The heart wants what it wants, right?
Also, here's the Mad World picture. It’s supposed to be the part where Jake asks if he’s crazy.
What happened? Was it LaCrosse?
ohhhhh my god it’s gorgeous. llama picture is officially optional because my heart has been TOO SHATTERED BY THIS TO APPRECIATE IT ANYWAY. gaaah crazy jake, come to my arms. i don’t know how i ever make myself write about anything else. Seeing jake like that was just...god. some of the best acting zack’s ever done, if you ask me. he just NAILED it. and i’m just like MORE MORE MORE please. if i were in charge of the show it would be such a problem for anyone who wanted, like, plot.
in fact it was. kind of. it’s complicated. he sent me this long string of emails trying to get me to come over and then he called me crying about how he’s still in love with me and like...do you ever get the feeling that there’s something just so fucking CHILDISH about being in love? i feel too old for this shit, or maybe just too old for this high school version of it. i’m just ready to get up and move on, but apparently, as i was told this morning (while gathering my clothes off his floor, hooray willpower), that makes me a heartless bitch!
but...i don’t know. i honestly don’t think i care that he loves me or whether or not i like him, so maybe i am a heartless bitch.
sorry for shitting my life all over your morning. you at work? am i interrupting? don’t get fired for drawing llama pictures.
I’m a barista, and I’m off today. I wouldn’t be drawing at work, I’d be kowtowing and pouring drinks like a wage slave.
Do I ever get the feeling there’s something childish about being in love...
I’ve been with my boyfriend (his name is Charlie and he’s a lovely person) for three years now, and “in love” doesn’t feel like an event anymore. I honestly don’t remember what it felt like when this was new. I adore Charlie, and I’m pretty sure he’s the proverbial One (I think, maybe, probably) but being in a relationship at this stage is like being enrolled in something. I’ve signed up for Charlie. And it’s not that I regret it or anything, but he’s not likely to be moved to tears by anything having to do with me.
And neither am I.
I don’t know if that’s mature or just sad.
i don’t think it’s sad. maybe you guys still have that fairy tale moment yet to come. you walk down the stairs in the ball gown, he turns around and his face lights up...i’m not even totally kidding about this is the ridiculous part. i’m like the childish pot calling the childish kettle black here. i don’t know. i don’t believe in a cute boy in the next dorm but i believe in going to a ball and getting swept off my feet. maybe i’ve seen dirty dancing too many times. the hazards of being a rich jewish girl.
wish i were off today. i have a french oral report. i cannot wait to never take french again. what did you major in? sorry if i’m being weird and interrogatory. i can shut up.
--eve
You’re fine.
I majored in art history. Call me if you need an analysis of a mosaic; otherwise I’m not good for much and neither is my bank account. I’d do it again, though. The thing about a useless degree is that you get to stop worrying about competition and relative success (it so doesn’t matter at all whether my classmates understand Cimabue better than I do) and just learn stuff you’re interested in.
What’s your double major in? No, let me guess—law and medicine. You’ll be the world’s foremost forensic lawyer. Or doctor immune to lawsuits.
...Okay, here's the llama picture. I put Tyler and Evanson in there too just for laughs. DO NOT POST THIS ANYWHERE. For your eyes only.
oh my god evanson riding bitch. HE SO WOULD. thank you thank you thank you this is amazing.
close, kinda--psych and early childhood development. i was kind of a weird little kid and i had some really good doctors who helped me. it was a pretty fucked up time. my parents tried to act like it was just stress or whatever but then i started having hallucinations so off to the doctors i went. i’m fine now. meds every day and all that, and even my shrink says i probably don’t need them anymore, because lots of people who have hallucinations when they’re kids grow up totally normal, etc., but what can i say, better safe than sorry, right? and it’s a convenient reason not to drink when i’m out with my friends. if i do want to drink it’s going to be in college, not at some imitation-kegger with boarding-school kids hiding in a townie’s basement after hours.
did you meet charlie in college or is he a creepy internet weirdo like us?
...That was heavy. I mean, it’s fine, but is it weird that this is getting so personal? I don’t know. I don’t make internet friends. I hope I’m not offending you too much right now, because I like that you told me that stuff. I guess I’m just surprised that you did, or maybe surprised that I like it...now who’s being too forthright?
I met Charlie during college, though not actually in college. He was the local bartender. I could not be more of a cliché if I tried. Anyway, he moved out here around the middle of last year, and after graduation I decided to come too. That might’ve had more to do with California than with Charlie, though. I’m not sure I’d have been so eager to fly the coop if he was moving to Nebraska. Then again, I really hated the coop.
ooh, i’ve never been to california. quid pro quo i’m in connecticut, so for what it’s worth you’d have a much easier time finding me and murdering me.
you’ve never made internet friends, though? i’ve got like ten people who know that shit about me, and most of them aren’t ones i know in real life. i don’t know, i’m not exactly close to anyone, but it feels pretty safe to open up to people when it’s just words. and i’m not usually afraid of alienating people because i’m an independent woman, etc. i’m good.
plus i’m not embarrassed really. i mean...how do you stay embarrassed after this long? and like, the girl down my hall isn’t ashamed of taking her thyroid replacement thing with breakfast, why should i be ashamed of my anti-psychotics and vaguely diagnosed schizoaffective tendencies?
Huh. Point Eve.
The thing is that the Pantheon fandom is a lot of teenagers. And I’m not going to talk to teenagers (under 18, kid) online, for obvious reasons. I blog about Up Below, but if you’ve read my blog you’ve probably noticed I have a lot of unpopular opinions, so people don’t reach out a lot. And Charlie doesn’t know I’m involved in fandom at all, which limits what I can do.
But obviously your shit’s safe with me. Who am I gonna tell?
I like you, Eve. I think I won’t murder you.
wait, charlie doesn’t know?? how the hell does that work? even monsieur lacrosse knows (let’s call him by the code name “john” from here on out--conveniently his real name, look at that) and we were a couple for like four months a year ago. it’s an easy excuse when i want to stay in. LEAVE ME ALONE I’M WATCHING MY STORIES. STAY OFF MY LAWN. etc.
i like you too.
Oh, it’s a lot of awkwardness and half-truths. He knows I’m a fan, obviously. It’s hard to hide it on Monday nights when I’m practically making out with the TV. I think he thinks I think Jake is hot. I mean, I DO think that, but it’s not...the point, you know?
He doesn’t know I blog, and he definitely doesn’t know I draw (there are laws about looking at my sketchpad, he probably thinks I’m doing still lifes or something). He knows I spend way too much time on my computer, but who doesn’t do that?
...Whoa. It just occurred to me that maybe Charlie also has a secret life on his computer.
to be honest i kind of judge people who don’t have secret lives on their computer. no offense to your boyfriend, of course, but i always wonder if they might be kind of...boring. even my friend Alanah has an obsessive shoe blog no one knows about. people need to have different identities, i think. and the bigger deal you make about being open about, like, mental illness or fangirling, the easier it is to get everyone to leave you alone about stuff that’s really private. i have no need for anyone to know every part of me. pieces for everyone where they fit works out easiest for everyone.
Text with Charlie
hey working girl
whatcha doin?
making bacon
playing world of warcraft
thinking about you
naked?
naked baconing is a horrible
idea
ha, no, thinking about me
naked
in the purple dress
from jason’s wedding? not sexy
beautiful
Feb 7, 2:44 pm
you busy?
yeah sorry, swarm of people.
gone now
boss gonna get mad
at you for texting?
he’s not here
cool.
Feb 7, 2:51 pm
do you have a secret double
life?
yes I’m batman
seriously. do you have secrets?
what kind of secrets?
any. what do you do all day
when I’m not there?
bacon. WOW. think about
you.
you need a hobby
what do you do at night while
I’m at the bar?
I’m a spy
seriously
Text with Dad
plans for spring break?
I’m out of school dad, no
spring break
Text with Charlie
I really want to know. what
do you do?
Text with Dad
take time off? we’d like to
see you!
can’t. maybe a weekend?
Text with Charlie
wait, am I your target?
are you spying on me?
yes
that’s why I want to know what
you do all day
foiled again
Feb 7, 3:11 pm
do you have, like, warcraft
friends?
sure, my guild
do they know about me?
what about you?
like, that I exist
they’re not real people
they are
internet people
Feb 7, 3:27 pm
you pissed?
lol no course not
gotta clean the shake machine,
I’ll see you at home.
love you
Text with Dad
how the hell do I get email on
this phone?
haha call me tonight.
oh. my.
I don’t even...I don’t even have any idea what to say.
THANK YOU, UP BELOW GODS, THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU. Except also hey what am I going to do with my life because I’m pretty sure after that episode I will NEVER NEED FANFIC AGAIN. Is this a secret plot to get me to leave my dorm? IT WON’T WORK, SHOW GODS. Because I need to stay here and JOURNAL ALL MY FEELINGS.
God. Okay. Where to start. The way Tyler just forgave Jake for everything? Jake’s been carrying around all this guilt for so long and Tyler just took all of the weight off him and like...evaporated it. Good lord I’m eloquent today. But seriously, I know we’ve all been hoping that somehow Jake’s guilt for what happened in the freaking PILOT would be dealt with somehow, but this is like...I swear I’ve read this actual situation in a fic somewhere. Do you guys know what I’m talking about? Who wrote it agghhh help me out. Purple journal. This is killing me now.
Anyway I loved that fic when I read it and now I can LOVE IT IN REAL LIFE.
Or whatever Up Below is. I’m going with real life.
I think what really shanked me in the heart was Jake’s REACTION to being forgiven, actually. I don’t think we really saw until that moment just HOW MUCH he not only needed it but also never expected that would happen. He’s seen Tyler go through hell for him again and again but he never thought that he’d be forgiven for this. He thought this was something that even Tyler couldn’t fix. And like...HE FIXED IT. God I love them. I love them so much. And I’m so glad that we know now Tyler isn’t angry at him anymore. Maybe fandom will give it a rest now? That’d be nice.
In conclusion, to quote a writer who is in all honestly less talented than the lovely man and lovely lady who wrote last night’s ep: EVERYTHING IS BEAUTIFUL AND NOTHING HURTS.
--eve
9 Comments
YoureaBlur
OH MY GOD I KNOW RIGHT
_EvenIf
UNABLE TO DEAL
StrawberryBlossom19
It’s a _beautifuleyedea_ fic you’re thinking of I think. Link here.
_EvenIf
YES, that’s it, thank you. Gorgeous.
StrawberryBlossom19
No problem! She’s incredible.
JakeyBoBakey
JAKE THOUGH. JUST.
_EvenIf
I DON’T KNOW HOW I WROTE WORDS WHEN THERE ARE NO WORDS
Tylergirl93
messaging you.
_EvenIf
Okay.
from: Esme Prevot
to: Genevieve Goldman
date: Friday, February 20 3:50 PM
subject: Tres bien!
Dear Genevieve,
Lovely work on your oral presentation. A.
Best,
Ms. Esme Prevot
from: Genevieve Goldman
to: Esme Prevot
date: Friday, February 20 4:25 PM
subject: RE: Tres bien!
Merci! Passez un bon week-end!
Best,
Genevieve Goldman
Text with Michelle Q.
hey whore
hey...woman of the night
diner at 6? Alanah and niya
and me
can’t, dr’s appointment.
granola bar dinner for me
crazy dr?
that’s the one
good luck with that
no need
from: Kyle Marksborou
gh
to: Gena Goldman
date: Friday, February 20 4:02 PM
subject: Audition
Hey Genevieve--
Haven’t touched base in a while, heard of something that sounds great for you, wondering if you’ve decided to make your big comeback? Paper towel commercial, looking for a sullen teenager, under five-two, dark straight hair...sounding familiar? Gimme a call and we’ll set up an audition.
Thanks,
Kyle Marksborough
M & D Talent Agency
from: Gena Goldman
to: Kyle Marksborough
date: Friday, February 20 4:15 PM
subject: RE: Audition
Yo Kyle--
Nope!
Talk later,
Genevieve
Patient Notes—February 23rd
Dr. Rachaela Bachman, PhD
Patient is, as usual, in good spirits, well put-together, reporting strong grades. Denies having any recent psychiatric symptoms, admits to being under quite a bit of school-related stress, responds quickly and fluently to questions. I’m still concerned that she might be putting too much focus into college as the solution to any anxiety she’s feeling. Concerned about her enthusiasm for starting over and worried she’s planning to cut too many ties.
Patient, as usual, shows reluctance to begin stepping down medication dosages.
Follow-up scheduled for March 20th.
from: Genevieve Goldman
