The Adventurer's Guide to Successful Escapes

by Wade Albert White

  “I tried to tell Shard it was against regulations,” said Hiro.

  Jocelyn finished the water. “Well, no harm done, I suppose.” She straightened her vest and checked that her hair was in place.

  “What are you doing here?” asked Anne.

  Jocelyn pulled a sheaf of papers out of her bag. “Why, dear, I’m here to give you your first evaluation, of course.”

  THIS FORM IS FOR STUDENT EVALUATION PURPOSES ONLY. FOR EACH QUESTION, PLEASE CIRCLE THE ANSWER THAT BEST APPLIES.

  1. Is the trainee still alive? YES / NO*

  2. Has anything exploded? YES / NO

  a. Should anything have exploded? YES / NO / MAYBE

  b. In the event something has exploded, does anyone require the expensive first-aid treatment the academy is contractually obligated to provide? NO / NO

  3. Are you requesting a raise? NO / MOST DEFINITELY NOT**

  4. Do you know the answer to this question? YES / NO

  5. Have you filled out this form properly? PROBABLY NOT / I LET MY PLATYPUS FILL IT OUT

  After you have completed this form, you may deposit it in the council’s inbox and be entered into the weekly drawing to win a round-trip, all-expenses-paid vacation to a destination of your choosing. The in-box is located behind the main building. Look for the large metal container labeled INCINERATOR.

  Sand Wolves and Portals

  Jocelyn dusted ash from her cloak as she walked to the large oak table that had, until recently, marked the center of Shard’s main tent. All the maps and other documents had been burned up, but the table itself was in more or less working condition, although one side was smoldering rather noticeably.

  “You’re here to evaluate me?” asked Anne. Her relief at seeing Jocelyn alive gave way to terror at the thought of getting marked on her performance thus far. What grade did a person get for finding a robot who threw people off towers? Or for dropping a mountain on your own quest academy?

  Jocelyn placed the papers on the table. “Despite the unusual circumstances, you are technically still a student of the academy, and as your designated mentor, I am therefore required to submit quarterly performance evaluations.”

  “I’ve been on the quest less than two and a half days,” said Anne.

  “True, but since your quest only runs four days in total, that equals one evaluation per day. Technically, we’re behind.”

  “But the academy got demolished,” said Hiro.

  Jocelyn chuckled. “A minor setback, I assure you. It happens all the time, so don’t give it another thought. If we suspended operations for every little instance of complete and utter destruction, we’d never get anything done.”

  Hiro seemed relieved to hear this.

  “So everyone is really okay?” asked Anne.

  “Yes, yes, all fine,” Jocelyn assured them. “Although Captain Copperhelm is somewhat upset about the loss of his Dragons of the Hierarchy collector’s edition trading cards. Apparently some of them were quite rare.”

  Jocelyn set a vial of ink on the end of the table that wasn’t smoking. She unstoppered the vial and dipped a quill in the ink. “So, this is the tower, is it?” she said, and started taking notes.

  “It’s called the Infinite Tower,” said Anne.

  “Yes, of course.” Jocelyn gave the tower a cursory glance. “It’s quite impressive—although I’ve seen higher.”

  “You have?”

  “When you’ve traveled as much as I have, my dear, you learn not to become overly enchanted with every immeasurable tower you come across.”

  “Infinite Tower,” Anne corrected.

  “Those, too. So, you managed to enter, did you? Then what?”

  “We climbed, like, a bazillion stairs,” said Penelope.

  “And an archaeologist tried to kill us,” said Hiro.

  Jocelyn nodded. “They can get like that sometimes.” She made a special note in the margin.

  “And then we met him,” said Anne, pointing to Rokk.

  “Him who?” said Jocelyn, turning around.

  “Him,” said Anne, pointing to Rokk again. “Say hello, Rokk.”

  “Hello, Rokk,” said Rokk.

  Jocelyn jumped back. “Goodness me. I thought he was a statue.”

  “Nope,” said Penelope. “He’s a robot.”

  Jocelyn quickly regained her composure. “Robot? You mean to say you found a fully functional Old World robot inside?”

  “He was patrolling at the top,” said Anne. “We’re pretty sure he’s the knight who never lived, so we brought him down here to figure out what question we’re supposed to ask him. That’s when you, well, showed up.” Anne pointed to the wreckage of the campsite.

  “My name is Rokk,” said Rokk.

  “And, uh, he might not be fully functional,” Anne added.

  Jocelyn studied Rokk. She walked around him and observed him from different angles. Her quill moved quickly across the piece of paper she was holding, and Anne caught a glimpse of a hastily drawn sketch. “This is an extraordinary find, Anne. Simply extraordinary. What do you intend to do with him?”

  “Do with him? What do you mean?”

  “He’s an Old World artifact. If you discovered him, the rules state that he now belongs to you. Personally, I would suggest that a piece this well-preserved belongs in a museum where other scholars and academics can admire and study him.”

  Penelope clapped her hands together and squealed. “Our own piece of Old World treasure, Anne, just like we talked about. And we didn’t even have to get anything pierced!”

  “Um, shouldn’t he get to decide for himself what happens to him?” said Anne.

  Jocelyn smiled. “Anne, dear, I’m not sure you fully appreciate the opportunity here. So much remains unknown about the Old World, despite all our research and exploration. Something like this could advance our knowledge by decades. Maybe even centuries. Not to mention you yourself would become instantly famous. Why, they might even wave the formal requirements and induct you into the Royal Archaeology Society immediately. In fact, if you like, I have a few connections and could make some discreet inquires on your behalf.”

  Anne looked at Rokk. He might not be human, but that didn’t make him some treasure to be claimed. Yes, he followed orders like the iron knights, but he also seemed at least partially autonomous in a way that they weren’t, able to make his own choices. It didn’t seem right to put him on display in a museum. Plus, Anne still felt sure he was somehow connected to where she came from.

  “Rokk is free to choose for himself,” Anne said firmly.

  Jocelyn frowned. “As you wish,” she said. She didn’t seem entirely pleased, but she didn’t press the issue further.

  A distant howl caused everyone to pause.

  “Local wildlife?” asked Jocelyn.

  “The archaeologist, Mr. Shard, had some wolves pulling his sled,” said Penelope.

  Jocelyn scanned the remains of the campsite. “And where is this Mr. Shard fellow now?”

  “Erm, Rokk might have thrown him off the top of the tower,” said Anne.

  Jocelyn looked only somewhat shocked. “I see. Well, I’m sure Rokk had his reasons.” She held her quill over the piece of paper. “So, how exactly might you describe these wolves, then?”

  “Large,” said Penelope.

  “Toothy,” added Hiro.

  “Made out of sand,” said Anne.

  Jocelyn staggered back and caught herself on the edge of the table. “Sand wolves?”

  “Yes. Is that a problem?”

  Jocelyn restoppered the ink vial and tossed it, the quill, and the stack of papers back into her pack. “Where’s the nearest village?”

  “About four hours by wolf sled in that direction,” said Penelope, pointing back the way they had come.

  “And what about dragons?”

  “What about them?” asked Anne.

  Jocelyn looked to Hiro. “Mr. Darkflame?”

  Hiro stood at attention. “All major quest locations are re
quired to be equipped with at least one fully licensed dragon,” he said, as though reciting text.

  “We haven’t seen any dragons,” said Anne. “Other than Nana, that is, but she’s waiting back at the village.”

  Jocelyn tied her satchel closed while muttering to herself. “I keep writing to the Dragon Oversight Committee about the need to check these remote locations, but do they listen? No. Fine. Everyone up to the tower. We’ll simply enter the way you did before.”

  Another, closer howl echoed across the dunes and was met by several yipping replies.

  Everyone started up the hill at a run.

  “Is this really necessary?” asked Anne. “They seemed friendly enough before.”

  “Without a master to control them, they are highly unpredictable and given to random attacks,” said Jocelyn. “They have no doubt sensed the archaeologist’s demise by this point, and trust me when I say that sand wolves are nothing we want to face out here in the open.”

  Yet another chorus of howls erupted, this time closer still.

  They reached the base of the tower, and Anne tapped the wall. The grid appeared, and she tapped in N-O-D-O-O-R. Nothing happened. She tapped it in again, more slowly to make sure every letter was correct. Still nothing.

  “I thought you said you had found a way in,” asked Jocelyn, an edge to her voice.

  “The password is correct, but it isn’t working anymore,” said Anne.

  “Well, if you’ve moved on to the next part of the quest, it’s possible a new password is required,” said Jocelyn.

  Anne’s heart sank. “We haven’t figured out the next part of the riddle yet. We were hoping to find a clue in Shard’s notes.”

  “You would think if there was something the riddle wanted you to ask, it would at least do you the courtesy of providing you with the question,” said Jocelyn. At the sound of yet another howl, she drew her rapier.

  Jocelyn was right, Anne realized. The same thing had been true of the riddle’s first line: Climb the tower with no door. The sentence could be read in different ways to reveal different meanings, each of which was important: They had to find and climb a tower without a door, and they could only enter the tower using the password no door. Solving the riddle’s second line wouldn’t require random guessing, but figuring out the full interpretation.

  Anne considered both parts of the riddle’s second line separately.

  Ask the knight.

  The word ask definitely meant they had to ask a question. And she was sure the knight could only be Rokk. Why go to the tower if not to find him? Anne continued with the line’s second half.

  Who never lived.

  This accurately described Rokk, what with him being a robot and all, but Anne noticed that the word who was also itself a question word.

  “That’s it,” said Anne. “That’s the solution.”

  “What’s the solution?” asked Penelope.

  “Who never lived,” said Anne.

  Penelope scratched her head. “But we already know that part.”

  “It doesn’t just describe a knight who never lived,” explained Anne. “It also means ask him that actual question.”

  “What question?” said Penelope.

  “Who never lived?” Anne repeated.

  Hiro snapped his fingers. “I see what you mean. Excellent!”

  Penelope looked from one to the other. “Why does it feel like we’re talking in circles?”

  A chorus of howls arose as ten sand wolves appeared in the valley below and tore up the slope toward them.

  Anne tapped Rokk on the arm. “I have a question for you.”

  “Proceed,” said Rokk.

  “Who. Never. Lived?” Anne said, making sure to pronounce the words slowly and clearly.

  Rokk’s eyes flashed. “Processing query. Command input accepted. Attempting to establish remote connection.”

  “What is he doing?” asked Jocelyn.

  “I have no idea,” said Anne.

  The wolves were about halfway up the slope, howling and growling and snapping their jaws.

  “I am unable to establish a link,” said Rokk. “Initiating secondary protocol. Activating homing beacon.”

  Rokk stepped over to the wall and brought up the grid. He tapped on the symbols faster and faster until his mechanical fingers were a blur and the words on the wall scrolled by so fast that Anne couldn’t read them. High above them, a beam of blue light shot from the top of the tower into the sky. Clouds immediately gathered overhead and the wind picked up. Blowing sand stung their faces, and they huddled together next to the wall, pulling up their hoods for protection.

  “What did you do?” Anne yelled at Rokk over the rising shriek of the wind.

  “Please stand by,” said Rokk. “A portal has been summoned and will arrive shortly.”

  “What did he say?” shouted Jocelyn.

  Anne shook her head. “Something about a portal, I think.”

  “A portal? Here?” said Hiro, sounding alarmed.

  “Does it have something to do with that?” said Penelope. She pointed up to where a giant mass of clouds was churning into a funnel shape.

  Anne didn’t know which was scarier: the violent funnel above or the charging sand wolves. Those with weapons drew them, and everyone braced for the wolves’ imminent attack.

  A green beam of light swept across the wolves, and Rokk stepped out from the group. “Please excuse me while I dispatch these canine intruders.”

  Rokk ran straight off the tower base and toward the pack. At the same time, the lead wolf launched itself at the robot. Rokk dodged and swept his arm up in a devastating blow that cut the wolf in half. When the two halves landed, however, they rejoined.

  “That’s going to make it harder,” said Hiro.

  The next three wolves attacked together. Rokk kicked the first one back into the other two, and they all exploded into clouds of black sand on impact. But as with the first wolf, the sand reformed moments later, and the wolves became whole again.

  The last six wolves jumped and converged on Rokk at once. Rokk leapt into the air and twirled his body, flinging them off in all directions.

  The wind velocity increased, and the funnel cloud dropped until it hung in the air only ten feet above Anne and the others. It was a roiling mass, snapping and thrashing and crackling with energy and spitting out whiffs of bluish-colored smoke. The sand wolves shied away, and Rokk retreated to the tower.

  “I do not believe I will be able to defeat these adversaries using hand-to-hand techniques,” he said. “I shall therefore try another tactic.”

  “I sure hope the new tactic works soon,” said Penelope.

  “Have I mentioned I’m not really much of a dog person?” said Jocelyn.

  The sand wolves spread out, pacing restlessly. While the others held their weapons at the ready, Anne stretched out the gauntlet in the hopes that it might have some control over the wolves, as it had with the iron knights and suits of armor. The wolves seemed unaffected and kept pacing, however, so she balled the gauntlet into a fist instead. At least that would give her a weapon, too, however ineffective it might prove to be.

  Everyone tensed.

  The wolves sprang at them.

  “Commencing transport,” said Rokk, and he double-tapped the grid.

  The end of the funnel snapped down, slamming into the sand wolves at full force and ripping them to pieces. They howled and snarled and gnashed their teeth as their bodies disintegrated, leaving nothing but blowing sand.

  By contrast, the center of the funnel where Anne and the others were standing was completely calm. As the funnel spun faster and faster around them, Anne felt as though her head were being pulled upward while her feet remained firmly on the ground. Everything in front of her became a dark blur.

  Then the funnel snapped back up into the sky, and the group was gone.

  THE ADVENTURER’S GUIDE TO PORTALS OFFERS THE FOLLOWING ADVICE:

  Don’t use them. Ever.

&nb
sp; A MUCH LESS CONCISE DISCUSSION OF PORTALS CAN BE FOUND IN THE COMPLETE ENCYCLOPEDIA OF ALL FORMS OF MAGICKAL TRANSPORTATION YOU SHOULD NEVER USE:

  Portals are one of the quickest known means of travel. They are also one of the quickest known means of death, second only to getting between a dragon and its meal—although that itself is second to actually being the meal (which, granted, essentially amounts to the same thing).

  In theory, portals open a gateway between two geographical locations thereby allowing a person to step from one place directly to another. Practically speaking, they don’t do this at all.

  In reality, portals rely on a process known as scrunching. Through this process the two ends of a portal are brought together—or scrunched, as it were—such that, while it is true a person steps from one place to another, they also travel the entirety of the intervening space, albeit instantaneously. For those who find this difficult to conceptualize, simply imagine the body accumulating the effects of an eight-hundred-mile journey in less than a heartbeat. Presuming, of course, that after the journey your heart is still beating.

  First-time users of portals should keep in mind two important tips:

  1) Always close your eyes.

  2) Don’t use them. Ever.

  The Key You Cannot Hold

  The sky was overcast and gray. The rolling hills were gray. The grass was gray. The trees of the forest in the valley below were gray. Even the dirt of the nearby stone path that led down to the forest was gray. All in all, it wasn’t the most colorful of places. Anne, Penelope, Hiro, Jocelyn, and Rokk lay on a hillside. Hanging in the air above them were funnel clouds by the hundreds—thousands, even. Most of the funnels were of similar size to the one that had deposited them on the ground, though some were smaller and a few were much, much larger.

  As if exhaustion and hunger weren’t enough, Anne’s body felt as though it had been trod over by an iron knight who had then backed up and stomped on her several more times just for good measure. She also felt a sharp pain in her side, which turned out to be a corner of the guidebook. She pulled it out and looked at the title, which had finally changed again to The Adventurer’s Guide to Very Very Bad Places That Will Kill You Dead I’m Not Kidding You Should Definitely Get Out of Here. There was only one sentence on the first page. It read: Seriously, leave now while you still can. Anne swallowed.