The Adventurer's Guide to Successful Escapes

by Wade Albert White

  Anne warmed at her words. Princess Whiskers snuggled against Anne’s leg and purred.

  “So, um, what brings the cat here?” asked Anne.

  “Why, she’s here to officially congratulate you on a job well done. And to present you with this, of course.” Jocelyn picked up a piece of cheap-looking parchment from the tray and handed it to Anne. It was a certificate announcing her successful completion of the Rightful Heir quest. The letters were printed in peeling gold ink. “Framing costs extra.”

  Anne read the certificate with a big smile on her face. She knew it was just a simple piece of parchment, yet it stood for so much.

  Jocelyn handed her another piece of paper. “And here is my final evaluation report.”

  Anne read this over, too, and her smile faltered slightly. “How come under Goals and Motivations I only received ‘satisfactory’?”

  “A perfectly acceptable mark for a first quest. Especially a Level Thirteen.”

  “But I had all kinds of goals and motivations!” Anne ticked them off on her fingers as she listed them. “Escape Saint Lupin’s, attend a quest academy, find my real home, avoid life in prison, solve the quest riddle, avoid death, save the world, inherit a kingdom.”

  “But that’s rather the point, isn’t it, dear? So many competing threads, each vying for attention. It’s all a bit much, to be quite honest. There’s a certain elegance to simplicity. Not to worry, though. I’m sure you’ll streamline it better on your next quest. And look, I gave you top marks for blacksmithing.”

  “But I didn’t do any of that. Like, not in the entire quest.”

  Jocelyn shrugged. “No one really reads these evaluations anyway.”

  Anne set the two documents aside. “So what now?”

  “Well, you’re the Rightful Heir. Such a position carries many responsibilities.”

  Anne had been so busy trying to get through the quest in one piece, she hadn’t stopped to consider the significance of actually finishing it (beyond avoiding several horrible and even deadly fates). “Responsibilities?”

  Jocelyn swept her arms wide, as if to take in all of their surroundings. “Saint Lupin’s isn’t going to run itself, dear.”

  Anne sat bolt upright. “What? You mean I’m actually in charge? What am I going to do with an entire orphanage?”

  “Well, I need to speak with you about that. It’s a fair question: What are you going to do with an orphanage all to yourself? I mean, one person, running an entire kingdom? I expect it would become quite burdensome. Not to mention all the paperwork and taxes and… well, who wants to deal with all that alone?”

  “Why do I get the feeling you have something in mind?”

  Jocelyn cleared her throat. “Funny you should ask! You see, with the destruction of the academy, we happen to be in need of a new location. Large campus. Buildings suitable for various purposes. Preferably an outdoorsy type of setting. In short, something more or less identical to Saint Lupin’s would be ideal, if you take my meaning. Not to mention that when you filled out your application form for the academy, there may have been some minor subclauses regarding liabilities.” She looked around the room with interest, as though she were planning its redecoration.

  Anne nearly jumped out of bed. “Oh! That would be fantastic! I could give it to you. I mean, it’s not exactly a wealthy kingdom or anything.”

  Jocelyn gently pushed Anne’s shoulders till she was lying down, and then she pulled the covers back over her. “That’s extremely generous of you, dear, but I was thinking more along the lines of a lease. Legally, you will remain the Rightful Heir. We would simply become your long-term tenants.”

  “What will happen to the other orphans?”

  “Why, they’ll become your new classmates, of course. As I said at the beginning, the more the merrier. And you can rest assured, we’ll all take excellent care of the place.”

  Anne looked at her suspiciously. “You mean take care of it… as in cleaning?”

  “Certainly, certainly,” said Jocelyn. Anne caught a twinkle in her eye. “Of course, as one of our registered students, you would naturally be assigned your share of the chores.”

  Anne thought about it, and the more she thought about it, the funnier it struck her. She burst into a fit of laughter.

  “I’m not sure I see what’s so funny about chores,” said Jocelyn.

  “It’s not that,” said Anne with a gasp. “It’s about Penelope and me. We’re right back where we started. We had such big plans for going on some grand adventure, and we did go on one, but it led us right back here. So much for escaping.”

  Jocelyn smiled. “I suppose there is a certain humor in it. And speaking of being back, I have a visitor for you.” She raised two fingers to her lips and gave a sharp whistle.

  A black streak shot through the doorway and leapt up onto the bed, sending Princess Whiskers howling and hissing onto the windowsill.

  “Dog!” said Anne as he licked her face profusely.

  “One fire lizard, returned safely as promised,” said Jocelyn.

  “Thank you,” said Anne, and she laid back contentedly on the soft pillow as Dog snuggled up to her. “Is that everything?”

  “Everything for now,” said Jocelyn. “Before I go, however, I must also inform you that Lord Greystone arrived not too long ago and has requested a meeting with the Rightful Heir of Saint Lupin’s. I was going to put him off and tell him you weren’t yet recovered enough to attend to guests, but you can only avoid him for so long. If you’re up to it, it’s probably best to get it over with now.”

  Anne nodded. “That’s fine. Today, I can handle Greystone. Today, I think I could handle just about anything. Where is he?”

  Jocelyn looked at her meaningfully, and suddenly Anne knew exactly where he was.

  The Matron’s office was precisely as Anne had left it. The large oak desk, the X on the floor, the chair no one ever sat in. As the tier rotated east, the early-morning sunlight created a kaleidoscope of colors across the glass domes.

  Anne entered without knocking.

  Neeva, Lord Greystone’s crow, watched her from one of the windowsills, but she ignored it. Greystone himself stood in front of the shelves, hands clasped behind his back. He seemed to be studying the inscriptions.

  “This is quite a medallion collection you’ve inherited,” he said without turning. “I daresay you’ll be the envy of the Hierarchy. Some of these go back thousands of years. There’s even a few here I’ve never heard of, and that’s saying something.

  “And I suppose congratulations are in order,” he said, facing Anne. “Jocelyn informs me you finished your first quest with distinction.”

  “Are you actually congratulating me, or just pointing it out?” asked Anne, keeping her tone neutral.

  “Well, if nothing else, I’m impressed you were able to keep it from me. Hiding in plain sight. That’s a bold move.”

  Anne shrugged. “I didn’t really have much choice.”

  Greystone smiled. “You know, I’ve decided I like you. You have true heart. The sort of heart that will eventually get you killed, no question, but I admire it nonetheless. It’s rarer than you think. Rarer than most of these medallions, I daresay.”

  Greystone walked behind the Matron’s desk, and Anne saw that she had stopped on the X on the floor, probably out of sheer habit. It was only as she stood there that she also noticed a stack of documents on the desk. The pile wasn’t straight and neat like the Matron kept her papers. Rather, it had the appearance of having been hastily gathered, as though someone had rifled through the desk drawers and grabbed whatever they could in a short time.

  “Speaking of rare objects,” said Greystone, “let me also acknowledge your acquisition of that gauntlet. I did a little research after our last meeting. A remarkable feat, no question.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Come now. That gauntlet isn’t just rare, it’s beyond rare—one of a kind, in fact, if my sources are correct, and they usually are. I
t certainly didn’t come from one of the council academies. I would ask you where Lady Jocelyn obtained it, but something tells me you would be reluctant to divulge that little secret.”

  “Jocelyn already told you it’s a castoff.”

  His eyes bored into hers, searching for any hint of deception. “I see. Well, while I’m disinclined to believe that, we’ll play it her way for now. Strange, though, don’t you think, that you should happen to receive that gauntlet when you did. And that you should have obtained that particular medallion at the same moment. If I didn’t know better, I’d say someone had been planning these events for a long time. The precision is remarkable, especially given where you yourself came from.”

  Anne perked up at this.

  “I thought I came from here,” she admitted. “Isn’t that what the quest proved?”

  He stared at her for a moment and then laughed. Not a light mocking laugh like before, but a deep genuine laugh, which frankly made her even more nervous. “Oh, how rich,” he said, wiping a tear from his eye. “You really don’t know, do you? I admit I missed it myself at first. The eyes should have been an immediate giveaway. But for you yourself not to… Well, if that Matron of yours didn’t tell you, far be it from me to ruin the surprise. I must take my leave now, but suffice it to say I expect we’ll be seeing each other again, sooner rather than later, I think. I shall look forward it.”

  Greystone gathered up the loose pile of papers, the crow jumped over to his shoulder, and he walked out from behind the desk.

  “Those documents belong to me now,” said Anne.

  Greystone stopped.

  Even though they were several feet apart, he nevertheless seemed to tower over her. “By all means, try to take them if you wish.”

  Anne knew there was no way she could stop him, but she met his gaze without wavering.

  “That’s what I thought,” he said. “Enjoy your celebrations. While you can.” He smirked at her one last time and turned to leave. As he turned, Anne caught a glint of something under his collar. Something hanging from a gold chain. Something crystal.

  Greystone exited the room.

  Anne stood there for a long time, her heart thumping loudly.

  Anne and her friends stood by the gate, watching as moving crate after moving crate arrived by fireball from the remains of the old academy: Sassafras’s spell books, Copperhelm’s weapons, and well over a hundred crates filled with Jocelyn’s collection of artifacts. A whole squadron of Fireball Travel Incorporated dragons must have been on the job. It was surprising how many things could survive having a mountain fall on top of them.

  Anne told Penelope and Hiro about her encounter with the Matron down in the lab. All three speculated endlessly on what her final words might have meant. She also told them about her meeting with Lord Greystone and showed them the crystal that had belonged to Shard and mentioned the one that the Matron wore. Everyone agreed there must be some connection, but no one knew quite what to make of it.

  “So what happened after Nana discovered she couldn’t send you after me?” asked Anne.

  “Penelope was fantastic,” said Hiro. “She put one of the council officers in a headlock and wouldn’t let him out until he told his entire squadron to surrender.”

  Penelope smiled. “Don’t sell yourself short. Mr. Wizard here cast a Minor Sticky Tree Sap spell from the catalog, and it exploded big-time and stuck half the battalion to the plaza. They’re probably still digging them out.”

  “And is everything else okay?” Anne asked Hiro. “Everyone’s secrets are still safe?”

  Hiro smiled and nodded.

  “Yeah, some mysterious agent guy from the council dropped by and told us everything is fine,” said Penelope. “We’re sworn to secrecy, though.”

  “I also received a note from my parents,” said Hiro, pulling a card out of his pocket and reading from it. “They said they appreciate you accepting me into your adventuring group despite a high-percentage chance I could blow us all up, and they hope your association with me won’t mark you both for a swift death at the hands of our family’s many, many enemies.”

  Anne and Penelope gulped.

  Hiro tucked the card back into his pocket. “I wouldn’t read too much into that last part, by the way. My mother tends to be rather blunt. Mostly that’s just her way of saying hello.”

  They watched as another fireball landed.

  “So why aren’t we in prison?” asked Anne. “What happened to all the charges?”

  “In recognition of your saving the world from certain doom and everything, and also to avoid the embarrassment of being outsmarted by three thirteen-year-olds, the council issued a retroactive permit for the medallion,” said Hiro. “The quest is now completely legitimate. Or was. Or whatever.”

  “Great, after the fact,” muttered Anne.

  Penelope rubbed her hands together. “When’s our next adventure?”

  Anne shivered at the thought. “If anyone comes across another medallion before we’re done with our training, keep it as far away from me as possible.”

  “Anne,” said Penelope, “the Matron’s old office is full of them, remember? You’re surrounded.”

  She was right. Anne decided the first thing she would do would be to put every last medallion into storage. And also the gauntlet. No more impromptu adventures for her.

  “So, what do we do now?” asked Penelope.

  Anne shrugged. “This is the new campus. Once everyone gets settled in, we’ll probably start classes.”

  “Aren’t you forgetting about the renovations?” asked Hiro.

  “What about them?” asked Anne.

  “For this to become the new academy, a lot of work needs to be done in order to bring it up to code. The kitchen needs a complete overhaul. There’s no hot water in any of the bathrooms. The height of the outer walls was fine under the old building code, but the new code requires at least another two feet. Over a dozen illegal mine shafts need blocking up. And don’t even get me started on the zombie sharks.”

  “You’ve been here less than a day,” said Penelope. “How could you possibly know all of that already?”

  Hiro shrugged. “Jocelyn asked me to do a survey of the grounds to see what needed addressing. Speaking of which, I’m supposed to deliver my full list to her now. See you at lunch.”

  Hiro headed off in the direction of the Manor.

  Anne and Penelope continued to watch the fireballs arrive. It was, admittedly, rather memorizing.

  “So,” said Anne after a while.

  “So?” said Penelope.

  “Not quite the castle you had envisioned.”

  Penelope shrugged. “It’ll do for now.”

  “Thanks for sticking with me, Pen.”

  “Are you kidding me?” said Penelope. “I’m the one who should be thanking you for making me part of your group.” She grinned mischievously. “Although I still say I could have tossed you aboard that ship.”

  “A theory we’re definitely not going to test, and shall henceforth refer to as Plan Don’t Even Think About It,” said Anne.

  Penelope stretched. “You know, I think I’m really going to like it here. It feels like a completely different place.”

  Despite any number of as-yet-unanswered questions, Anne knew exactly what she meant.

  “Yoo-hoo, students,” Jocelyn called from across the yard. “Time to get ready for the victory celebration! I have a list of chores for each of you.”

  Penelope slapped Anne on the shoulder. “Of course, some things never change, eh?”

  Well past midnight, after the celebrating was over, everyone headed off to bed. Penelope and Anne returned to their room, and Penelope immediately fell fast asleep under a double pile of thick blankets, snoring not-so-softly.

  Anne lay in her own bed, wide awake. The events of the past five and a half days flashed through her mind in a collage of sound and color: the gauntlet, the silver medallion, travel by fireball, the quest academy, Shard, sand wolve
s, the Infinite Tower, Rokk the robot, portals, the Construct, the computer, the Wizards’ Council, and the Matron, not to mention Lord Greystone’s final words to her and his crystal pendant. And yet over and over, Anne returned to a single question: What exactly was her connection to Saint Lupin’s? She had been so certain her yellow eyes would provide the link to wherever it was she came from, but now she wasn’t so sure. At the very least, it was clearly more complex than she had originally assumed.

  Anne gazed at the gauntlet on the nightstand. Pale moonlight glinted off the metal strips.

  “Jeffery?” she whispered.

  Jeffery appeared in a flash of light. “Hey,” he whispered back.

  She smiled in the glow of his bright rainbow-colored feathers. “I wasn’t sure if you’d still be here.”

  He tapped the gauntlet with his foot. “Well, technically, I’m always here. But yeah, once a quest is over, the GPS is supposed to shut off, too. Which is good, because I’m really sleepy. But I figured I’d hang around a little longer to say good-bye.”

  “When will I see you again?”

  “When you activate a new quest.”

  “But that could take years.”

  “I’ll still be here.” He peered at her. “Why? Was there something you needed?”

  Anne shook her head. “I just wanted to say thank you. We couldn’t have done it without you.”

  “It’s all part of the job.” He gave her a salute with his tiny wing and disappeared, and she knew he was gone for good this time, or at least for this quest.