The Color of a Dream

by Julianne MacLean

  But he did do it. Without an apology or the smallest show of compassion for our pain, he shut the car door.

  Before I could say another word, he was stirring up gravel as he backed out of the yard.

  The last thing I saw was Ellen’s panic-stricken face in the window and her hand reaching out to me as she cried, “Mummy!”

  Chapter Sixty

  I barely remember anything about the rest of the day other than the fact that I spent the whole of it, until sundown, curled up in a ball on my bed, staring at the wall. Jesse lay beside me, but I couldn’t speak or move. I was numb and inconsolable.

  Jesse knew there were no words to fix this, so he didn’t try, beyond giving me his solemn vow that we wouldn’t give up, no matter how long it took.

  Then he simply held me because he understood. I pressed my ear to his chest and listened to the steady beat of his heart.

  It was the only thing that soothed me.

  * * *

  Diana arrived at suppertime with a pot of chicken soup and a new plan to try and get Ellen back. I wasn’t hungry, but I wanted to hear what she had to say so I dragged myself out of bed and joined her and Jesse at the kitchen table.

  As the hour grew late, however, I couldn’t focus on legalities because I was worrying about Ellen going to sleep in a strange place with unfamiliar people.

  Was she frightened? Was she missing me and Jesse? Was she longing for the sound of my voice? The smell of this house?

  I wanted desperately to call Rick and ask if Ellen was all right. I also wanted to talk to the elusive Christine—who was now a spineless coward in my eyes, for not accompanying her future husband that morning to collect her pretty new baby and witness my grief.

  Diana talked me out of calling, of course. She didn’t want to take the chance that Rick might follow through on his threat to seek a restraining order.

  “That won’t help our case,” she told me.

  So I refrained.

  It should be mentioned, however, that what surprised me most throughout the ordeal was the fortitude of my new heart. I was able to survive that day so it must have been made of steel.

  * * *

  I didn’t dream about flying that night—mostly because I hardly slept a wink. When I did manage to doze off for brief intervals, I dreamt only of Ellen crying for me in the darkness. Then I woke repeatedly in a state of tormented agony and stared at the wall again. In the darkness.

  Be strong, my darling baby girl.

  Could she hear my thoughts across the distance? I wondered. Would she understand them if she could? I truly didn’t know.

  Chapter Sixty-one

  I must have plunged into a deep, deathlike slumber around dawn because it was past nine o’clock when I my eyes fluttered open.

  At first the world seemed normal. Then I remembered what had occurred the day before and a dark cloud of sorrow settled over me. My baby’s crib was empty. She was gone.

  I sat up in bed, overwhelmingly aware of the silence. Mornings were usually such an active time with Ellen. We laughed and talked and got ready for the day.

  It was eerily quiet. I felt like a ghost.

  Tossing the covers aside, I rose from bed and stepped into the shower where I sat down on the tiled floor under the hot spray and remained there until the water turned cold. At that point, I stood up and shut off the faucet.

  I returned to my room, pulled on a pair of faded blue jeans and T-shirt, but didn’t bother to dry my hair or apply makeup before going downstairs.

  I found Jesse at the kitchen table reading the paper. Startled by my quiet approach, he jumped when he saw me, set the paper down and looked up at me.

  “Good morning,” he said. “Are you hungry? I made you an egg-white omelet. Peppers and mushrooms, just the way you like it, and I boiled water for tea.”

  I stared at him, unable to speak.

  He stood up and pulled out a chair for me. I shook myself out of my stupor and sat down.

  “You are a true gentleman,” I replied. “Thank God I have you.”

  “And thank God I have you.” He pushed my chair in and kissed the top of my head.

  How grateful I was for his gentle kindness and understanding. He didn’t try to talk me out of my grief. He knew I couldn’t possibly pretend it didn’t exist.

  “How about a grapefruit?” he asked as he picked up the skillet and a spatula. “I ate the other half of one this morning. I could get it—”

  “No, that’s fine. This is enough.”

  He slid the omelet onto my plate. “Orange juice?”

  “Sure,” I replied, just to give him something to do.

  He set the skillet back on the stove, poured me a glass of juice and handed me my anti-rejection pills. Then he joined me at the table.

  I had to force myself to swallow the first few bites because I had no appetite, but I knew how important it was to keep up my strength and stay healthy. If I was going to see Ellen again, I might have to get on a plane.

  Jesse covered my hand with his. “I know this is rough,” he said, “but it’s going to turn out okay. I have a feeling about it. Rick will come around. Once he gets to know Ellen, he’ll understand what she needs.”

  “If the prospect of his own death couldn’t change him,” I said, “what makes you think he’ll suddenly turn over a new leaf now?”

  Jesse bowed his head, for he had no answer.

  The sound of a car rolling into the yard caused us both to look up. Jesse slid his chair back and strode to the window.

  “It’s him,” he said. “It’s Rick.”

  I dropped my fork and nearly knocked my chair over as I stood and rushed to the door. “Is Ellen with him?”

  “I don’t know. I can’t tell.”

  I pushed the door open and dashed out onto the porch. The sun was shining and the light reflected blindingly off the windshield of his car. Shading my eyes with a hand, I hurried down the steps.

  Both of the front car doors opened at once and Rick got out of the driver’s seat. Over on the passenger side a woman got out and gazed up at the house.

  Manners failed me. I ran across the yard and slapped my palms up against the back seat window where Ellen was strapped into her safety seat, clutching her blue blanket, her face beet red from crying.

  Without saying hello to Rick or his fiancée, I pulled the door open and sobbed with joy upon seeing Ellen again. “My sweetheart! I’m so happy to see you!”

  With frantic, trembling hands I unbuckled her from the seat and lifted her into my arms. Oh, God… I can’t possibly describe how good it felt to hold her, how my whole body was flooded with an earth-shattering sense of relief and dismay.

  She wrapped her legs around my waist and grabbed my neck in a choke hold. “Mummy!”

  I wept tears of joy just to have her in my arms, even for a single moment, and dropped to my knees to hold her tight. I cupped the back of her sweet little head in my hand and kissed her repeatedly on the cheek. “I love you so much.”

  I have no idea what Rick and Christine were doing. They were not even a blip on my radar. The only thing that mattered was Ellen.

  When I finally drew back to look at her face, her eyes were bloodshot and her skin blotchy from the stress of crying so hard. I glanced up at Christine, who looked concerned as she stood over me.

  I ignored her at first and continued to soothe Ellen. When at last she calmed and her bawling was reduced to frequent hiccups, my own breathing grew slower and I took a moment to collect myself before rising to my feet.

  “You must be Christine,” I coolly said.

  She was not at all what I’d expected. I’d imagined her to be tall and supermodel-gorgeous. The Christine of my imagination wouldn’t be caught dead in anything but a short skirt and high heels. She would have silky blonde hair that was straightened twice daily by a professional-grade flat iron, and her nails would be French manicured.

  To the contrary, the woman before me was of average height with shoulder-l
ength brown hair and black plastic-rimmed glasses. She had a freckled complexion and wore kaki-colored capri pants with a slightly clashing yellow T-shirt and white sneakers. She was every inch a science geek. Not at all Rick’s usual type.

  She held out her hand to shake mine. “Hi, Nadia. It’s nice to meet you.”

  Ellen still clutched my neck with a death grip, so I awkwardly shifted her in my arms to shake Christine’s hand. “Hi.”

  Rick approached. “She’s certainly happy to see you.”

  I hugged her tight. “I’m happy to see her, too.”

  The sound of Jesse’s voice and his footsteps across the gravel yard caused me to turn. “Did your flight get delayed?” he asked Rick.

  “No, it’s on time,” he replied. “We still have a few hours.”

  Jesse rested his hands on his jean-clad hips. “Then what are you doing here?”

  My gaze darted from one man to the other and I prayed they wouldn’t choose this moment to resolve all their differences by duking it out on the lawn.

  “We’re here because it’s the right thing to do,” Rick replied.

  None of us said anything for a moment.

  “I don’t understand,” I said. Please don’t toy with me. I won’t be able to take it.

  “Can we come in?” Rick asked.

  Without a word, Jesse gestured toward the front porch.

  We all climbed the steps and entered the house. “Have a seat,” Jesse said.

  But Christine remained standing. “What a lovely home you have.” She crossed the living room to the fireplace and examined the framed photographs on the mantle. “Is this your twin sister?” She glanced at me as she picked up the photo.

  “Yes, that’s Diana,” I replied.

  Christine set it back down and regarded me sheepishly before moving to the sofa to sit down beside Rick.

  With Ellen still clinging to me like a baby chimpanzee, I paced around the living room, bouncing at the knees, hoping the movement would continue to calm her. I wanted her to feel happy again. I wanted to see my baby smile.

  “We’re here,” Christine said, “because we think we made a mistake.” She laid a hand on Rick’s knee.

  Jesse and I exchanged glances.

  “What do you mean?” Jesse asked.

  Rick cleared his throat. “Ellen cried the whole night. Nothing we did made any difference. She was pretty miserable.”

  “It broke my heart,” Christine added. “I didn’t know what to do. I don’t have any experience with kids and I hadn’t thought it would be like that. We probably should have brought her home to you last night, but I wanted to see if she might settle down. She didn’t.”

  “She didn’t sleep at all?” Jesse asked.

  “Only a small bit,” Christine replied. “It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to understand that she’s very attached to you, Nadia, and I think she understood that she wasn’t going to see you again any time soon.”

  I hugged Ellen tightly. “I’m attached to her, too.”

  Christine nudged Rick, as if urging him to contribute something.

  “I’m sorry,” he said. “I honestly had no idea it would be like that. I wish I could take it all back.”

  “Take what back?” I asked, shooting him a look.

  “The court case,” he replied. “Our conversation yesterday. I’ve been a jerk and I should have known it wouldn’t be as simple as I thought it would be.”

  “What are you saying?” Jesse asked.

  “I’m saying that I was wrong to take her. She belongs here. It’s where she wants to be, and after about six hours of constant crying for ‘Mummy’ through the night, I knew she wasn’t going to just forget you.” He was looking at me when he spoke the words and I almost dissolved into a puddle of relief. “If we take her back to California with us today,” he continued, “it’ll probably scar her for life. And us, too.”

  Jesse rose from his chair, rushed toward me and Ellen and gathered us both into his arms. We held each other and wept.

  “Are you going to leave her here then?” Jesse asked shakily, wiping the tears from his eyes as he turned to face his brother.

  Rick nodded. “We talked it over this morning and we think it would best to give you back custody if you want it. But we’d like visitation rights a few times a year and I want her to know I’m her father. If we can reach an agreement, it should move through the system fairly quickly.”

  I nodded my head. “That would be wonderful. We’d love to have you visit—or if you’d like us to bring Ellen to visit you in Sacramento that would be okay, too. And I’ll need to call Diana to arrange everything.”

  “Of course,” Rick said. “We’ll let the lawyers work it out.”

  I met Rick’s gaze and held it. “Thank you for bringing her back.”

  He nodded at me. Then he and Christine stood up.

  “We should be going,” she said. “We have a plane to catch.” They moved around the coffee table and approached me. “Bye-bye, Ellen,” Christine said in a cheerful voice as she rubbed Ellen’s back. “We’ll come back and visit you again, but we’ll take it slower next time.” As she moved toward the door, Christine addressed me privately. “Maybe the four of us could spend some time together until she feels more comfortable with us.”

  “I’d like that,” I said. “And so would Ellen.”

  I glanced over my shoulder at Jesse who was following me out. He rolled his eyes, but there was some humor in them.

  Outside, the morning sun was warm on my face as we escorted Christine and Rick to their car. By now Ellen was feeling better and was willing to let Rick shake her hand.

  “Bye-bye, kiddo,” he said. “Hope to see you soon.” He turned to Jesse. “Thanks for taking care of her. It helps to know she’s in good hands.”

  Jesse nodded and they regarded each other steadily for a long moment.

  “And I’m sorry about a lot of other things…” Rick added, looking down at his shoes. “You’re a good man, Jesse. The best I know.”

  He turned quickly and got into the car.

  Jesse slid his hands into his pockets. When Rick started the engine, Jesse stepped forward and rapped a knuckle on the window. Rick pressed the button to lower it.

  “Do you know the best way to get out of here?” Jesse asked. “It’s quickest if you head back into town, then get onto Newton Street. Left on High Street, right on Cherry, then right again on Washington. That’ll get you to the turnpike ramp.”

  “Thanks,” Rick said. He turned to Christine. “Did you get that?”

  She smiled. “Yeah, I got it.”

  Jesse bent forward to speak to Rick in the driver’s seat. “And be sure to give us a call when you get home so we know you arrived safely. Here’s my number.” He reached into his back pocket for his wallet and pulled out his card. “That has my cell number and a number where you can reach me at work. Feel free to call. Anytime. I mean that, Rick.”

  “Thank you.” Rick handed the card to Christine. “You already have mine?”

  “Yeah.” Jesse gently tapped the roof of the car with his open hand, then took a few steps back to give Rick space to turn the car around. They both waved as they drove off.

  Jesse and I stood in silence staring after the car. I think we were both in shock.

  “Did that really just happen?” I asked, glancing up at him.

  “I think so,” he said, holding out his arms to Ellen. “Unless we’re dreaming right now.”

  I passed Ellen across to him and she clutched him around the neck, wrapped her legs around his waist. A lump formed in my throat as I watched him close his eyes and hug her tenderly. “Thank God,” he whispered.

  He put his arm around me and together we turned and walked back into the house.

  Chapter Sixty-two

  Five days later I received an email from Christine. I called Jesse over to the computer to read it with me.

  “Is she serious?” Jesse asked, leaning forward beside my chair.


  “Looks like it. She says they’re leaving next month.”

  Evidently, after talking about it during the flight home, she and Rick had decided to travel to Africa and help build schools in small villages. Christine managed to get a six-month leave of absence from her job.

  Jesse pointed at the email. “She says they’ll probably adopt at least one child while they’re there—maybe two or three if they’re siblings—and bring them home to raise here.” He straightened and pushed his hair back off his forehead. “I think the world just shifted on its axis.”

  I chuckled. “I think you’re right. It’s incredible. She’s really good for him, you know.”

  Jesse squeezed my shoulder. I stood up from my chair and pulled him into my arms.

  Then boom! Ellen toddled into the back of Jesse’s knees and said, “Evatoo!”

  He looked down at her. “You want to play elevator?”

  She giggled. “Evatoo!” Then she picked up her blue blanket and swung it through the air. “Fwying!”

  * * *

  After supper, the three of us snuggled together on the sofa in front of the television. Jesse flipped through the channels and stopped at a nature documentary on PBS.

  “Great footage,” he said.

  The three of us watched aerial shots taken over the ocean from a low-flying helicopter, then the ascent over a rugged coastline where the waves exploded on the rocks.

  Ellen pointed her little finger at the screen. “Ouwix.”

  I gazed down at her, confused. “Do you want your blanket? It’s right here.” She was already holding it on her lap.

  Sleepily, she laid her head on my lap and continued to stare at the television. “Ouwix.”

  I stared at it, too, mesmerized by the views over a fast flowing river and waterfall.

  Abruptly I sat up.

  “What is it?” Jessie asked with concern. I could feel his eyes on me.

  I shook my head with confusion. “This is just like my flying dreams, and I forgot that I had another one when they took me to the hospital in the ambulance.”